I have to push new boyfriend to spend time with me

LegacyUser

I got together with my new boyfriend just over a month ago. He liked me for years before we finally started going out and he seemed really keen on me.
The problerm is however, that I have to plan everything we do together. I'm always the one to ask him to meet up, go to the cinema or whatever.

He is in a band so Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays are all out of the question for doing anything. He helps out with the town band most evenings during and might not be finished with that untill 10 at night. During the day he is nearly always with his friends or doing music stuff. He likes to sleep in too because he is not working at the moment.

We are both early twenties but due to circumstances we both live at home with our parents at the moment, though he mostly stays with a friend. This means we get very little private time together. I had a free house last week and I thought he would jump at the chance to spend the evenings together. One evening he went home instead. He did spend a few nights with me but I text him early in the day to ask him to let me know if he wanted to come over but he NEVER let me know any night and I had to end up having to ring him at half ten or eleven at night to find out and he eventually decided to come over.
He left early in the moring to do "band stuff" with his friends. He would never, ever consider letting them down, even once to spend time with me.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that he has a hobby he enjoys so much, but EVERYTHING seems to be put before me, all the time! I thought the start of a relationship was the time when couples are supposed to want to be together a lot? He does'nt seem to feel like that.

I don't text a lot but when I do, a lot of the time he takes hours and hours to reply, if at all. Sometimes he texts and I reply and surprise surprise, no answer!

When we are together he genuinely seems to have a good time and we do have fun together. We do both really like each other. I am his first girlfriend and he has no real experience of being with girls at all.

I get annoyed because I'm a single mother and it takes a lot for me to get out alone and it's a struggle to do it, but I'm making a lot of effort and he does'nt seem to be doing the same. I feel like I'm being really clingy when I have to keep at him to get an answer about meeting up/ him coming over, not getting my texts answere/ always being the one to try and organise stuff.
This is really putting me off a great guy... any ieas what I should do?

Ickle Magoo

Have you told him how you feel?

I don't think brand new relationships should be hard work - and if you are doing all the running it either means you need to take a step back or he needs to take a step up, if not both.

The only way he's going to know you aren't happy with the status quo is telling him - but he's a young guy and he clearly has a lot of other interests...perhaps he's just not that fussed/unable to make the kind of commitment you want?

All the best

P. Breathnach

Some people in the music world put their music ahead of everything else, including personal relationships. If he is one of those, you will always lose out.

You need to evaluate the position, and you might conclude that you would be best off finishing with him.

The Princess Bride

GivingUpGirlfriend wrote: »

I thought the start of a relationship was the time when couples are supposed to want to be together a lot? He does'nt seem to feel like that.

I am his first girlfriend and he has no real experience of being with girls at all.

.. any ideas what I should do?

It's only been a month.What's the rush?

Perhaps,as you're his first girlfriend,he's happy with the pace of this?
There is no rule book on how to conduct the early stage of a relationship,
but if there was,I'd imagine going at a pace suitable to both would be up there in the top 5 rules.

Also-he is young,he has his friends,his music-perhaps he is happy with how things are with you,and doesn't want to change this?

Toast4532

You need to talk to him about this otherwise it will only eat away at you and you will eventually blow a fuse with him.

If I was in your position, I would talk to him and tell him how you feel and ask him to start giving you more time and putting more effort into building your relationship, if he doesn't change, then I would walk. I could never be with someone who would constantly put everything else before me and not bother coming to see me until nearly midnight, then leaving to go home early.

Piliger

Hi OP.

Clearly this is a man with a passion for what he does. Do you really want to change him ? because that is probably what attracted you to him in the first place.

I believe this is the way he is, and you will have to make a decision as to whether this is a relationship you can adjust to, and not the other way around. You have your own commitment and that is an important priority for you.

My advice would be to take a step back and adjust to his pace for a month or so, immerse yourself in your own role at home too, and see how things go then.

Best of luck.

dannyc31

this is a man who loves his hobbies and interestes. he's also enjoying his freedom and so he should he is only in his early 20's.

ya see your priorities have changed now because you are a single mother and because of this in your head you dont want to fall for anyone who is gonna mess you about and instead want something stable. but the problem is you're forcing it too much, its only been a month and if this guy feels you're pressurizing him to be more committed, he may just do a runner.

i'd say if you really like him do not try to change him or pressure him to spend more time with you just yet, that will come in time if he feels the same way about you. men are naturally more independent so its gonna take him more time to get to any sort of settling phase. if you can relax and do this you will be less stressed about the whole thing.

otherwise you may need to find someone else who suits your needs of spending alot of time together.

Lorna123

I would stop running after him OP and leave it up to him to contact you and arrange a meet up. If he doesn't do it and the relationship fizzles out then so be it. What good is he to you if you are not being fulfilled, you might as well have no b/f. At least you wouldn't have the anxiety of wondering when you are going to see him again.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here. Thank you for the replies.

He never asked me to hang out yesteray even though he knew we were both in town. He stayed with his friends instead.

I text him this morning to ask had he any plan for the day. He took so long to text me back that I had made alternate arrangements.

A few of you said to talk to him about it. I'm not sure how to go about this without sounding clingy and pathetic!

I've just decided not to ask him to hag out anymore and see will he eventually ask me. good idea?

Ellsbells

Yeah I wouldn't chase him anymore.... Let him come to you if he wants too. He is making no effort...

Toast4532

Ellsballs is right, don't bother with him, if/when he contacts you tell him you are no longer interested in having anything to do with him as he is making no effort with you.

If he is this bad now, I can't imagine he will get any better over time.

daisybelle2008

OP I would leave it if I was you, he just does not appear to be as into this as you would like.
I thought it was telling in your first post that you said he likes to sleep in, yet he leaves early when he stays with you and the fact you had to remind him late at night to come over. It sounds kind of sad and empty for you. It has only been a few weeks, you are too incompatible to waste any more of your time on this.

tricialou

GivingUpGirlfriend wrote: »

I got together with my new boyfriend just over a month ago. He liked me for years before we finally started going out and he seemed really keen on me.
The problerm is however, that I have to plan everything we do together. I'm always the one to ask him to meet up, go to the cinema or whatever.

He is in a band so Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays are all out of the question for doing anything. He helps out with the town band most evenings during and might not be finished with that untill 10 at night. During the day he is nearly always with his friends or doing music stuff. He likes to sleep in too because he is not working at the moment.

We are both early twenties but due to circumstances we both live at home with our parents at the moment, though he mostly stays with a friend. This means we get very little private time together. I had a free house last week and I thought he would jump at the chance to spend the evenings together. One evening he went home instead. He did spend a few nights with me but I text him early in the day to ask him to let me know if he wanted to come over but he NEVER let me know any night and I had to end up having to ring him at half ten or eleven at night to find out and he eventually decided to come over.
He left early in the moring to do "band stuff" with his friends. He would never, ever consider letting them down, even once to spend time with me.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that he has a hobby he enjoys so much, but EVERYTHING seems to be put before me, all the time! I thought the start of a relationship was the time when couples are supposed to want to be together a lot? He does'nt seem to feel like that.

I don't text a lot but when I do, a lot of the time he takes hours and hours to reply, if at all. Sometimes he texts and I reply and surprise surprise, no answer!

When we are together he genuinely seems to have a good time and we do have fun together. We do both really like each other. I am his first girlfriend and he has no real experience of being with girls at all.

I get annoyed because I'm a single mother and it takes a lot for me to get out alone and it's a struggle to do it, but I'm making a lot of effort and he does'nt seem to be doing the same. I feel like I'm being really clingy when I have to keep at him to get an answer about meeting up/ him coming over, not getting my texts answere/ always being the one to try and organise stuff.
This is really putting me off a great guy... any ieas what I should do?

Sorry to be harsh but if a guy likes you he will move mountains to be with you ! someone said to be before if your in a hurry to meet a man hes the wrong man! when your in a balanced mutual relationship your never in any hurry or anxiety!