Am I Being Bullied?

LegacyUser

Hello, Maybe this is a stupid question to ask but Id like to know other peoples views on this.

To give a bit of background on this, Im 23, very quiet and shy and I dont really get out much which really bugs me as I would like to get going. Ive always had a difficult relationship with my brother. I find him very domineering & patronising. He can be cross and demanding and is very bad minded about other people and when he is at home there is always a very tense atmosphere as you just don't know when he will attack. I have attacked mainly verbally and on occasion physically as well which has caused me to become indifferent to him. My parents are powerless (particularly my mother) as my father tends to take a careless attitude.

My main problem now is that recently something life changing happened in my locality which changed my outlook on things. I started to out on nights out with him (as he didnt really go out much either) so i thought it would be good for both of us. Recently however in the past few months he has started going out and passing me completely. He doesent even ask me for no reason at all or let me know anything. He is gone tonight and for the past few nights and Im left in feeling angry hurt and sad in myself and very let down. Is this a form of bullying and what can I do to change things? I cannot confront him as he will get very angry and tends to change the story to his own satisfaction. Please help.

LegacyUser

bully victim wrote: »

I have attacked mainly verbally and on occasion physically as well which has caused me to become indifferent to him.

Hi again, just to correct that sentence in case there may be some confusion. It should say I have been attacked by him which has caused me to become indifferent to him over the years.

Lorna123

Is he the only person you have to socialize with? Maybe your brother feels that he wants male company and not be seen to be bringing his sister with him everywhere he goes. I would not say that not asking you to go with him is a form of bullying but I would say that verbally or physically abusing you would be bullying. I don't know what you can do to change things except maybe get a friend of your own and if you want to just ask him would he accompany you to meet this friend and then go his own way. I am presuming that you are just going along with him for security.

Ickle Magoo

I don't think choosing not to be in someone's company is a form of bullying no - I don't think adults should be obliged to spend their leisure time in the company of people they don't particularly like and who don't particularly like them.

Verbal and physical attacks most certainly are bullying behaviour but are also par for the course in most sibling relationships...so it's difficult to say without knowing the whole story which applies here.

The bottom line is; if you don't really like him, think he's cross and demanding and it's probably clear that you find him dominating and patronising - then it seems rather pointless wanting/expecting to socialise together - you are best making and keeping to your own friends and both spending as little time in each others company as possible for the time being and like most siblings, you'll probably get on better later in life.

All the best.

LegacyUser

Lorna123 wrote: »

Is he the only person you have to socialize with? Maybe your brother feels that he wants male company and not be seen to be bringing his sister with him everywhere he goes. I would not say that not asking you to go with him is a form of bullying but I would say that verbally or physically abusing you would be bullying. I don't know what you can do to change things except maybe get a friend of your own and if you want to just ask him would he accompany you to meet this friend and then go his own way. I am presuming that you are just going along with him for security.

Thanks for your reply. Were both brothers and I thought that it would be for both our benefit if we were to go together as incidently both of us didnt get out much and we would meet more people. I thought it would be better to help each other out, maybe for want of a better word, for both our mutual benefit and perhaps improve our relationship a bit.

What really hurt me was that after everything that has happened between us if I was going out I would never of had passed him and if I was going I would and have asked if he wanted to come. Its just not in my character to pass him. I could not have a good night knowing i had passed him. He just seems to go now himself with his friend and no thought given to me at all and Im usually left in then. Everybody in my family are of the opinion that he is unstable at the moment and any form of confrontation can tip him over. Im of the opinion that he knows what he is at, what he is doing and done and knows that he is hurting me.

The only explanation for his carry on I can give is

1) He just does not want to associate with me at all (but yet wants to find out nearly everything Im doing)
2) Wants to prove a point: that he can get on with people and does not need me to do this. Probably a bit of pride here. In other words wants to show me how its done and perhaps maybe hold me back a little. I know this may sound childish but after growing up with him this would not surprise me and almost everyone in my family have suggested this to me.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I don't think choosing not to be in someone's company is a form of bullying no - I don't think adults should be obliged to spend their leisure time in the company of people they don't particularly like and who don't particularly like them.

Verbal and physical attacks most certainly are bullying behaviour but are also par for the course in most sibling relationships...so it's difficult to say without knowing the whole story which applies here.

The bottom line is; if you don't really like him, think he's cross and demanding and it's probably clear that you find him dominating and patronising - then it seems rather pointless wanting/expecting to socialise together - you are best making and keeping to your own friends and both spending as little time in each others company as possible for the time being and like most siblings, you'll probably get on better later in life.

All the best.

I very much regret asking him at all now. To clarify something, I dont mind him going as such in fact its good to see him getting out. its just the manner in which he has gone about doing it. He didnt start going until I wanted to go. i had nobody so I was relying on him and he literally cast me aside and didnt even include me after a while. i agree it was probably a bad idea to socialise with him when I find him domineering, angry and bad tempered most of the time but i was desperate and really wanted to get out.

A few weeks back I got really down as I was bored wanted to get out on a Saturday night and knew he was going. I wont ask him can I come as he has passed me too many times at this stage. I was sitting in a room at home and he opened the door all dressed up and ready to go and just stood there for a short while looking at me and then just walked out. Said nothing to me and just stood there. it made me feel very angry and he knew he was getting to me that night as I have told him that I do be dying to get out (when we were out together previously). So Im of the opinion now that he is trying to prove a point to me and torment me at the same time.

How do get out of this situation as it is tending to pull me down. Im disappointed for my self but also in him as well. I thought he was a better person than that but it seems he wants to keep an upper hand and just seems to be a form of one - upmanship. Would clubs or societies be a good way to get away a bit more.? I dont know many clubs or societies to join and I would like if there would be people at them my age?

thanks.

Big Bag of Chips

I'm confused.... Why do you need him to "bring you out"? Why do you need his permission. Or is it that you don't have friends of your own to go with so depend on him?

Try to widen your own social circle so that you are not dependent on him. Join clubs in your area and have friends seperate to him.

leggo

OP it sounds like you're probably right in your assessment, but ickle magoo has it pretty much covered to a tee at the same time. It's not bullying to go out without you, it is bullying to be physically and verbally abusive.

He probably is using it to show that he can, that fits in with your description of his personality. But your problem here is that you allow him to do so by having so few options. You can't change if he's immature and domineering like this. You can change your own circumstances.

'Clubs and societies' are such an impractical way of putting it, there are very few things called 'social clubs' and actual societies outside of colleges. Take up a hobby, do something that you want to do anyway that would also involve you meeting new people. If you're unemployed, say, maybe go back to college and upskill if that's an option.

Make an effort when you do whatever it is you do, too. When people post threads like this it's their way of admitting that they want to make a change; so go out, do something new, talk to people, build relationships etc. There are always options around you but it's ultimately up to you to utilise them.

Your brother does sound like he has his problems, but they don't have to be your problems too unless you continue to let him make them so.

Ickle Magoo

bully victim wrote: »

I very much regret asking him at all now. To clarify something, I dont mind him going as such in fact its good to see him getting out. its just the manner in which he has gone about doing it. He didnt start going until I wanted to go. i had nobody so I was relying on him and he literally cast me aside and didnt even include me after a while. i agree it was probably a bad idea to socialise with him when I find him domineering, angry and bad tempered most of the time but i was desperate and really wanted to get out.

A few weeks back I got really down as I was bored wanted to get out on a Saturday night and knew he was going. I wont ask him can I come as he has passed me too many times at this stage. I was sitting in a room at home and he opened the door all dressed up and ready to go and just stood there for a short while looking at me and then just walked out. Said nothing to me and just stood there. it made me feel very angry and he knew he was getting to me that night as I have told him that I do be dying to get out (when we were out together previously). So Im of the opinion now that he is trying to prove a point to me and torment me at the same time.

How do get out of this situation as it is tending to pull me down. Im disappointed for my self but also in him as well. I thought he was a better person than that but it seems he wants to keep an upper hand and just seems to be a form of one - upmanship. Would clubs or societies be a good way to get away a bit more.? I dont know many clubs or societies to join and I would like if there would be people at them my age?

thanks.

My advice stands - get your own friends and what your brother is or isn't doing of a night out will be neither here nor there.

You clearly state you were only going with him because you were desperate and wanted to get out - I don't think being angry at someone for refusing to let you use them as a ticket to go out makes any sense at all...

Google clubs and societies in your area, look up the golden pages, check the notice boards of supermarkets...have you any friends of your own? Work nights out? Check the relevant Boards forums you enjoy for beers nights and toddle along.

Lots of alternatives to using your brother or staying home, OP.

All the best. :cool:

Zen65

bully victim wrote: »

The only explanation for his carry on I can give is

1) He just does not want to associate with me at all (but yet wants to find out nearly everything Im doing)
2) Wants to prove a point: that he can get on with people and does not need me to do this. Probably a bit of pride here. In other words wants to show me how its done and perhaps maybe hold me back a little. I know this may sound childish but after growing up with him this would not surprise me and almost everyone in my family have suggested this to me.

Perhaps

3) He realises that the dynamic between you both is unhealthy and you would both benefit from having separate social circles.

If this were the case he'd be correct, and his actions would actually be for the greater good. It's up to you now to make your own way in life and have a social circle which is independent of him. In this way also your relationship with your brother will most likely improve. If you choose to remain hurt by his actions then you are condemning yourself to an ongoing poor relationship with him. You've both been slow to develop your social skills, do not waste this opportunity by dwelling on such matters as your brother's behaviours.

Be at peace,

Z

blatantrereg

If he's personally not wanting to associate with you then it's just personal choice. While that's not nice, it's not bullying and it's his prerogative. If he's influencing a group to exclude you on the other hand, then that could be a form of bullying.

My own brother is awful for painting images of others to fit his own bizzarre agendas. I just dont have anything to do with him, nor with any non family members who buy into his rubbish. As far as family members go, well it's easy to show what you are like and what you are not like and to call him out on attempts to manipulate things. Then again I am almost ten years older than you and am articulate and self-possessed in a way that I was not when I was your age. When I was your age and younger I recognised his behaviour for what it was, but lacked the self-confidence etc to deal with it. He always alienated people from himself moreso than from me in any case. But he did alienate a lot of people from me too. He went as far as attacking one person with a wrench in fact (he's five years older and when you're a teenager that's a lot). Anyway the last two times he tried anything physical was when I was a teenager too; but resulted in me knocking him down. He persisted with the weird social antics after that, and it took me a good few more years to learn how to handle that sort of thing.

Anyway yeah. Find other people to socialise with as others suggest. Stand up to him physically if it comes to that, but never start anything physical. Dont bother with people who form preconceived notions of you. If you are aware of any lies he says about you then just tell him and others he's lying. Dont get drawn into anything or get emotional or name-call - focus on yourself not on him. There's not all that much people like that can do to you unless you let them.

Stavro Mueller

The bottom line on this is that you're depending too much on your brother as a social outlet. Do you not have anybody else to go out with it if he heads out with his friend? It's time for you to paddle your own canoe and not bother with him any more. He doesn't sound like the most pleasant of characters but it's affecting you more because you're still living at home and your social circle isn't wide enough.

Yeah, the cliché is clubs and societies. It may not suit everybody but the point still stands. You need to get out of the house more and meet new people.

Lorna123

bully victim wrote: »

Thanks for your reply. Were both brothers and I thought that it would be for both our benefit if we were to go together as incidently both of us didnt get out much and we would meet more people. I thought it would be better to help each other out, maybe for want of a better word, for both our mutual benefit and perhaps improve our relationship a bit.

What really hurt me was that after everything that has happened between us if I was going out I would never of had passed him and if I was going I would and have asked if he wanted to come. Its just not in my character to pass him. I could not have a good night knowing i had passed him. He just seems to go now himself with his friend and no thought given to me at all and Im usually left in then. Everybody in my family are of the opinion that he is unstable at the moment and any form of confrontation can tip him over. Im of the opinion that he knows what he is at, what he is doing and done and knows that he is hurting me.

The only explanation for his carry on I can give is

1) He just does not want to associate with me at all (but yet wants to find out nearly everything Im doing)
2) Wants to prove a point: that he can get on with people and does not need me to do this. Probably a bit of pride here. In other words wants to show me how its done and perhaps maybe hold me back a little. I know this may sound childish but after growing up with him this would not surprise me and almost everyone in my family have suggested this to me.

Okay, then you are a man, not a woman like I thought. This paints a different picture for me.

If you had been going out together and then suddenly he wasn't asking you then I can understand how you would feel. Of course this is a reflection on him, not you. I agree with your second point to some extent. He is obviously making a statment here. You are sensitive and kind and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that in fact it is a plus for you as a person. Your brother is in competition with you for some unknown reason, probably sibling rivalry.

Now you need to also show your strong side and just brush this off because no matter what happens he is still your brother. I don't know how he can go out without asking you too when you have gone out before together. It shows a bit of jealousy in my opinion. He is showing himself up by his behaviour. Fortunately you are a guy so you can go out on your own if needs be. You come across as being the better person so know this and his behaviour will hurt you less. Join clubs and organizations and make your own friends. This is hard enough to do but it can be done. Don't worry anymore about your brother, just concentrate on yourself. You don't need his approval. You are a great guy all by yourself.

Merkin

bully victim wrote: »

He is gone tonight and for the past few nights and Im left in feeling angry hurt and sad in myself and very let down. Is this a form of bullying and what can I do to change things? I cannot confront him as he will get very angry and tends to change the story to his own satisfaction. Please help.

Your attitude is bizarre in the extreme. You concede that you don't even like your brother yet you feel by him leading his own life and going out without you he is in fact being a passive aggressive bully. He's not, he is simply getting on with things and you should do the same. This talk of "bringing you out" is so odd considering you are 23. I get that you are shy and perhaps socially inept and if that's the case then you do need to join clubs and societies and forge your own social path rather than depending on your brother whom you don't even get on with. What are your interests? Tag rugby is normally a great way to meet people. And get it out of your head that you're a "bully victim", an attitude like that isn't going to do you any favours so use that energy towards something positive rather than sitting at home stewing in your own juices because your brother is getting on with things.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

Your attitude is bizarre in the extreme. You concede that you don't even like your brother yet you feel by him leading his own life and going out without you he is in fact being a passive aggressive bully. He's not, he is simply getting on with things and you should do the same. This talk of "bringing you out" is so odd considering you are 23. I get that you are shy and perhaps socially inept and if that's the case then you do need to join clubs and societies and forge your own social path rather than depending on your brother whom you don't even get on with. What are your interests? Tag rugby is normally a great way to meet people. And get it out of your head that you're a "bully victim", an attitude like that isn't going to do you any favours so use that energy towards something positive rather than sitting at home stewing in your own juices because your brother is getting on with things.

Hi Merkin, perhaps I havent been very clear in what Im trying to say. Yes, Im not happy about the fact that he goes out without including me but im most unhappy about the way he has gone about doing it. You see, my brother never really got out much either but when he did go it was me he went with. But this is what I dont get, I see no reason as to why I am not included now. Why did he just stop? Now I dont ask him either. It wasnt all one way - I used ask him aswell, however he would always be awkward with me. There was no argument nothing. The only reason I can think of is a form of one-upmanship or something, just trying to prove a point to me especially one night he was going out he opened the door of the room I was in, stood there for a short while all dressed up and then just walked out saying nothing which made me very angry. Why didnt he tell me he was going and ask me did I want to join them?? What changed in his mind about me? Maybe this is pure bizarre but it seems he sees me like some sort of rival.

Part of the reason I went with him was to try to improve relations with him which I thought was happening until as soon as he made just one friend I was dropped completely. Now things are back to the way they were, which I dont like. It makes being at home very awkward and there even is a lot of tension.

Yes, I agree it was perhaps a stupid decision to go with him at all, but my intentions were not bad and I was hoping he would see that. At the time it seemed like we needed each other but obviously he didnt see it like that. Although it may not be bullying as such it did make me feel pretty miserable at times over the past few months.

I appreciate everyone's advice as this has been difficult for me but as some have suggested I have to move on from this and hopefully time will heal wounds. I need to improve my social circle which I am trying to do but it does not help being cripplingly shy and this feels like a bit of a set back for me.

Thanks

Stavro Mueller

To be honest, I’m not surprised that your brother’s behaving like this. From what you’ve written here, he doesn’t sound like a particularly pleasant person to have around. You also don’t have a good relationship with him. Perhaps your motives in getting him out of the house were good but running through all of this is your desire to go out more. You don’t appear to have any friends to go out with so you’ve thrown your lot in with your brother. In the earlier days that was OK by him because he needed you as much as you needed him as someone to go out with. The balance has shifted though. Now he doesn’t need you and you’re seeing what he really thinks of you.

To repeat what a lot of people have said, stop thinking about what your brother should or shouldn’t be doing. He’s a grown man and can make his own choices. So are you, by the way. You have to stand on your own two feet and help yourself.

One thing I noticed was that you’re still living at home at 23. Have you ever lived away from home? Really, if it’s possible for you to do so, you should be looking at striking out on your own. Living on your own or house sharing would grow you as a person. It would also get you away from the oppressive presence of your brother.

And as others have said, it’s time for you to make some friends of your own. You can either let your crippling shyness stop you from doing the things you want to do. Or you can do something about it. With practice, you can get better at talking to people. It's not as if you're asking people to donate an organ or something. Take a look online for tips on how to overcome shyness.

leeroybrown

I think you need to grow a thicker skin and do your own thing. Your brother doesn't sound particularly pleasant but I know plenty of people who don't have great relationships with their siblings and will avoid socialising with them or spending time with them. Just get on with your own life.

Lorna123

I really think that you were doing a great thing by organizing to go out with your brother when neither of you had anyone else to go out with. This showed common sense and initiative on your part by trying to mend any rift there was between you and I admire you for that move. You did your bit, but it would appear that your brother doesn't have your nature and you cannot control that.

I completely understand your hurt and where you are coming from but what you have to do now is feed new thoughts into your head. You are feeling hurt because you are telling yourself how unfair this situation is and dwelling on that. If you could change how you think about it you would do better. Just tell yourself that your brother is not deliberately trying to hurt you but that he is just so wrapped up in himself that he is not bothering to even ask himself how you feel. You don't have to let him control your moods. I know it is hard to change your thinking on this but you have to realize that he is immune to you, i.e. he doesn't care how you feel. So what you have to do is not let him make you feel like this and the way you do that is by filling your head with fresh positive thoughts on where you go from here. You are the only one who can do this. Don't rely on anyone else to look out for you.

In future don't expect anything from your brother, organize your social life to exclude him. At this stage you know what to do to get a social life. Just eliminate any negative thoughts you have about your brother and realize that he is not deliberately setting out to hurt you. His actions hurt you only because you are allowing them to. You are the master of your own destiny and you can change how you feel about your brother by just concentrating on what you can now do to get on with your own social life. You are your own worst enemy by thinking that your brother is out to get you. He is not, he is just looking out for himself, a bit selfish, but that is the way he is. His behaviour shouldn't surprise you, but you have to shrug it off and put it down to how he is. You are not as selfish as he is, you have a heart. You cannot make him do what isn't in him to do. Move on and concentrate on yourself for a while.

Okay, you are shy, but that is not the worst thing about you, you are also caring and sensitive and these are terrific qualities. Shyness can be overcome, it is not something permanent. It is only permanent if you do nothing about it. Once you start to get out and mix with people, all kinds of people, then you will overcome your shyness. We were all shy at one stage until we mastered this.

You have great qualities to start with, so now all you have to do is go forward and get going on joining clubs and making the effort to get out of this rut you have found yourself in, and make no mistake it requires an effort. Nothing will happen for you unless you make the effort.

You have written in here with this problem and that shows initiative so I have no doubt that you have it in you to do the rest too to make it happen for you. I wish you the best of luck with this. You deserve it.

LegacyUser

Lorna123 wrote: »

I really think that you were doing a great thing by organizing to go out with your brother when neither of you had anyone else to go out with. This showed common sense and initiative on your part by trying to mend any rift there was between you and I admire you for that move. You did your bit, but it would appear that your brother doesn't have your nature and you cannot control that.

I completely understand your hurt and where you are coming from but what you have to do now is feed new thoughts into your head. You are feeling hurt because you are telling yourself how unfair this situation is and dwelling on that. If you could change how you think about it you would do better. Just tell yourself that your brother is not deliberately trying to hurt you but that he is just so wrapped up in himself that he is not bothering to even ask himself how you feel. You don't have to let him control your moods. I know it is hard to change your thinking on this but you have to realize that he is immune to you, i.e. he doesn't care how you feel. So what you have to do is not let him make you feel like this and the way you do that is by filling your head with fresh positive thoughts on where you go from here. You are the only one who can do this. Don't rely on anyone else to look out for you.

In future don't expect anything from your brother, organize your social life to exclude him. At this stage you know what to do to get a social life. Just eliminate any negative thoughts you have about your brother and realize that he is not deliberately setting out to hurt you. His actions hurt you only because you are allowing them to. You are the master of your own destiny and you can change how you feel about your brother by just concentrating on what you can now do to get on with your own social life. You are your own worst enemy by thinking that your brother is out to get you. He is not, he is just looking out for himself, a bit selfish, but that is the way he is. His behaviour shouldn't surprise you, but you have to shrug it off and put it down to how he is. You are not as selfish as he is, you have a heart. You cannot make him do what isn't in him to do. Move on and concentrate on yourself for a while.

Okay, you are shy, but that is not the worst thing about you, you are also caring and sensitive and these are terrific qualities. Shyness can be overcome, it is not something permanent. It is only permanent if you do nothing about it. Once you start to get out and mix with people, all kinds of people, then you will overcome your shyness. We were all shy at one stage until we mastered this.

You have great qualities to start with, so now all you have to do is go forward and get going on joining clubs and making the effort to get out of this rut you have found yourself in, and make no mistake it requires an effort. Nothing will happen for you unless you make the effort.

You have written in here with this problem and that shows initiative so I have no doubt that you have it in you to do the rest too to make it happen for you. I wish you the best of luck with this. You deserve it.

I think i have learned a lot over the past few months about both myself and my brother and some of it was a bitter pill to take. At the moment my needs as a person are not being met. Its going to be a lonely and hard trog ahead for me but I feel at the moment that I cant relax until my needs are met.

As regards my brother, well as some have alluded to here there is very little that I can do with this at the moment. He has made his decision and I will have to live with that (whether I like it or not). The main difference I suppose between my own thoughts and yours as regards to my brother on this is that Im of the opinion that he knew what he was doing and it was intentional to not include me. He has been confronted on it be other members of my family when he was out as to where was I but there is just no getting through to him, so to me he is fully aware. Perhaps it is a bad reflection on his own personality and character I dont really know.

I dont know if I am taking the right stance with him now but as far as Im concerned now the ball is in his hands now if our relationship is to improve. i have made 2 attempts now but he just does not seem to be forthcoming at all. I want to see a more meaningful attempt on his behalf and I would then come around eventually as I hate this atmosphere around at the moment. Even over the past few months when I was really trying to improve our relationship it was me that was doing it all, he didnt really do anything to help improve the situation. My biggest problem now is that I have lost a lot of faith and thrust in him which for me would be hard to win back and I really hate saying it but its the way I feel about him at the moment.

Thanks for all your suggestions and help over the last while. There has been some very good suggestions here to get me back on track. It was a bit of a set back and it felt like a kick in the teeth for me but Ive learned from it and now have to move on.

Thanks Everyone

Lorna123

being bullied wrote: »

I think i have learned a lot over the past few months about both myself and my brother and some of it was a bitter pill to take. At the moment my needs as a person are not being met. Its going to be a lonely and hard trog ahead for me but I feel at the moment that I cant relax until my needs are met.

As regards my brother, well as some have alluded to here there is very little that I can do with this at the moment. He has made his decision and I will have to live with that (whether I like it or not). The main difference I suppose between my own thoughts and yours as regards to my brother on this is that Im of the opinion that he knew what he was doing and it was intentional to not include me. He has been confronted on it be other members of my family when he was out as to where was I but there is just no getting through to him, so to me he is fully aware. Perhaps it is a bad reflection on his own personality and character I dont really know.

I dont know if I am taking the right stance with him now but as far as Im concerned now the ball is in his hands now if our relationship is to improve. i have made 2 attempts now but he just does not seem to be forthcoming at all. I want to see a more meaningful attempt on his behalf and I would then come around eventually as I hate this atmosphere around at the moment. Even over the past few months when I was really trying to improve our relationship it was me that was doing it all, he didnt really do anything to help improve the situation. My biggest problem now is that I have lost a lot of faith and thrust in him which for me would be hard to win back and I really hate saying it but its the way I feel about him at the moment.

Thanks for all your suggestions and help over the last while. There has been some very good suggestions here to get me back on track. It was a bit of a set back and it felt like a kick in the teeth for me but Ive learned from it and now have to move on.

Thanks Everyone

That's good that the situation with your brother has got you thinking about your life. Your needs are not being met because you have not branched out to find yourself a social life, other than with your brother. Don't rely on your brother to meet your needs as a person at the moment OP because he has yet to learn how to be civil.

You could very well be right that he knows he has been hurtful to you as you know him better than we do, but I feel that because you are the better brother it is now up to you to work on this situation and how you do this is not by alienating him and treating him to the same hurtful treatment that he has dished out to you but quite the opposite. You continue to be nice to him, do not wait for him to be nice back to you and then stop if he isn't. You keep on being nice to him, despite what he dishes back, and some day he will cop on when he sees that his bad manners are not effecting you. You continue to be the better person and don't go down his route. You will get the faith and trust back when he earns it.

Life is a continuous learning curve OP and sometimes when we suffer a big disappointment we will eventually see that this was a stroke of luck becaue we have learnt so much from it. I believe that you can show him how it is done and let that be your challenge

leggo

being bullied wrote: »

I think i have learned a lot over the past few months about both myself and my brother and some of it was a bitter pill to take. At the moment my needs as a person are not being met. Its going to be a lonely and hard trog ahead for me but I feel at the moment that I cant relax until my needs are met.

As regards my brother, well as some have alluded to here there is very little that I can do with this at the moment. He has made his decision and I will have to live with that (whether I like it or not). The main difference I suppose between my own thoughts and yours as regards to my brother on this is that Im of the opinion that he knew what he was doing and it was intentional to not include me. He has been confronted on it be other members of my family when he was out as to where was I but there is just no getting through to him, so to me he is fully aware. Perhaps it is a bad reflection on his own personality and character I dont really know.

I dont know if I am taking the right stance with him now but as far as Im concerned now the ball is in his hands now if our relationship is to improve. i have made 2 attempts now but he just does not seem to be forthcoming at all. I want to see a more meaningful attempt on his behalf and I would then come around eventually as I hate this atmosphere around at the moment. Even over the past few months when I was really trying to improve our relationship it was me that was doing it all, he didnt really do anything to help improve the situation. My biggest problem now is that I have lost a lot of faith and thrust in him which for me would be hard to win back and I really hate saying it but its the way I feel about him at the moment.

Thanks for all your suggestions and help over the last while. There has been some very good suggestions here to get me back on track. It was a bit of a set back and it felt like a kick in the teeth for me but Ive learned from it and now have to move on.

Thanks Everyone

Reading that, it's even more clear that your brother has waaaayy too much sway in your life, man. Be friends with your siblings, by all means. Worry when your relationship with them is going downhill with them, definitely. But, from this post, you appear to have the same kind of reliance one would have with a best friend or a partner. That's just not healthy (unless your brother is a reciprocal best friend, which yours clearly isn't). Having your family step in on your behalf isn't helping. They're doing what they think it's best for you in the short-term, but it's also validating your beliefs that he should be a crutch for your social life, and hurting you in the long run.

It's not weird, there's nothing particularly wrong with that behaviour. Whenever I'm single, I always have various people (lads and girls) kind of fill the roles that a partner would.

So it's clear you're relying on him to fill that void while not making any particular effort to go out and find friends, a partner etc. That's a lot of pressure to put on someone. Tbh, if I was in that spot with someone, I'd probably push them away. I'm not saying that to be harsh...just to give you an honest perspective on why this could be happening.

The rest has all been said to you already in this thread. It's really up to you now.