Newborn baby, unsupportive father

kaalgat

Hi all,

Need a bit of advice from any other parents willing to give it.

I have a 9 week old daughter, and she is such a joy to me. She is my first child so I am learning as I go along.

The problem I have is that my baby's father has turned into the most selfish and inconsiderate man almost overnight.
We planned this baby and spoke at length throughout my pregnancy about the parents we want to be, and he has always assured me from the get go that he would be supportive and understanding and would help me out as much as possible.

I don't ask much of him, because he is the one that has to go to work and earn money to support us. I prepare bottles for baby during the day so that daddy can do one feed when he comes home from work. After that, I go through the whole bed time routine alone, so that he gets to watch tv and have some alone time for himself every night. During the days I alone am responsible for baby's needs.

The only thing I ask of daddy is that he be around on weekends so that I can sleep in until 9am each morning. After that I'd like family time, for us 3 to spend time together as a couple and our child. This gives me 2 days of the week where I get to rest a bit and share the responsibility of caring for our baby.
Yet he can't handle it. He complains of being overwhelmed and sleep deprived, even though I am the one getting up for night feeds. He gets annoyed at me for being tired and run down and has even told me that I'm a weak person because countless other women raise children every day, and they survive it. Today he just took off for the whole day and couldn't understand why I was upset about it.

I have tried so many times over the last 2 months to explain to him that I need him, that I need him to be supportive and that I need him to help me out, as I am still recovering from giving birth. But he doesn't want to hear me. It always ends in a major row where nothing gets resolved and I am the only one left upset.

I don't want to raise my baby this way, with parents that aren't working as a team.

What else can I do to try and make him understand that I need him?

I really would appreciate any advice.

Moonbeam

when one person goes out to work and the other doesn't it can be hard .
Try sleeping when baby sleeps and letting house work suffer to mind yourself and baby.
I have always been the one to mind the kids here with little help and I envy those with husbands that do night feeds or get up with the kids at weekend.
If you are going back to work now is the time to get him involved and prepare him for it.
Go out and catch up with your friends and get him to mind the baby.

January

Is it entirely possible that he could be feeling more than a little overwhelmed by this little bundle? Some people don't seem to realise that fathers can get Post Natal Depression too.

First things first, I would rule out PND. If it's not PND them I'm sorry but I'd be telling him to buck up or pack his bags and leave. It takes two to tango and make a baby and he wasn't pushed into this blindly by you. HOW DARE HE tell you that you are weak for being tired and stressed. Every mother gets tired and stressed especially when they are doing so much with so little help. There's no excuse for him speaking to you like that.

I'd get up some weekend morning, get dressed and say "I'm off out for a walk" and out you go. You need time away from the baby too.

liliq

+100 on what January says.
Rule out any underlying issues.
Then tell him it's time to grow up.
Baby's are hard work. Really hard work. You don't get a tea break, or a lunch break, or a 5 minute chat with a work mate.... they're constant.

Seeing as your bottle feeding, I also 100% agree with getting up tomorrow morning, telling Mr. that you're off out for a walk, and take you're time coming home. Get yourself a nice coffee somewhere. You must need the caffeine hit
When there are two parents, both need to do their bit. It's not fair that the money earner can consider themselves finished working when they come home. They've another job to do once they get there.

Ellsbells

Op maybe the change is a lot for him?? Why are you calling him daddy? He is your oh and more to you than just your baby's father - he is your partner too. Have you set aside any time even to go for a drink together?

ceadaoin.

Ellsbells wrote: »

Op maybe the change is a lot for him?? Why are you calling him daddy? He is your oh and more to you than just your baby's father - he is your partner too. Have you set aside any time even to go for a drink together?

Not everyone is in a position where they can ask family to look after the baby while they go out. Myself and my partner didn't get a night out together until our daughter was 5 months old. 2 months later that is still the only time we've been out alone. Also, the OPs child is 9 weeks old, I doubt she has any time to 'set aside', especially with night feeds. She should be sleeping when the baby sleeps. The father should be the one setting time aside to help HIS partner with THEIR child (assuming, as mentioned by previous posters, that there is no underlying cause for his apparent lack of support)

liliq

At 9 weeks, his primary function is Daddy though.

uck51js9zml2yt

As a father myself, you need to tell him to get with the program.
I've done night feeds since our son was born 21 months ago. He still wakes up the odd night.
We had our first night out tonight since he was born tonight while my mother was here...need to do it more often now.

You need to sit him down and ask why he feels he shouldn't have any responsibility for looking after his child.
He may feel overwhelmed by it all and feel unable to manage a tiny bundle but that's still no excuse. He needs to man up and start taking responsibility for the life he brought into the world.

pwurple

Unless he wants his mother in law moving in, he pulls his weight. That concept worked wonders here.

OP, i'm going to possibly go against the grain here and maybe suggest you maybe try to avoid outright fights on this for a small bit. I think i read some crazy high statistics for relationship breakups in the first year post baby. It is very stressful for both people. I remember I was down to my last nerve by the time my husband came home from work some days on mat leave. I remember once, the baby had a tummy bug, and while I had her bathed, fed and clean, I think I had her puke still in my hair and was totally shattered. He took one look at me and said he was going out to the gym. Arg. Leaving me to do bedtime without even a chance for food or a shower. So angry.

Anyway, we had a giant barney obviously when he came home. Both of us said things that were way out of line. Along the lines of what your fella said, and I gave as good as I got. But i tried to rein it in and discuss rationally after that one. He was run down as well. Basically, we were both tired and A new baby was a huge shock to the system. It takes a lot of getting used to.

I got some back problems about 4 months in, and he took over all cot leaning and lifting until I was sorted. You still wake even when you are not doing the feeding. I got a whole new perspective, disturbed sleep even when you don't get up, is still very bloody tiring.

The conversation about who does what needs to happen, but try to pick a time when you are not about to tear his head off, if you can!

Also try to remember that he may not know what to actually do. You have so much more experience now, than you had 9 weeks ago. He is a good bit behind you. Nappy change, it's still probably a five minute job for him, you have it done in 30 seconds. Bottles, i betcha he has no clue how to mix them up or when baby gets them. He probably feels like a total useless idiot in his own home, nobody reacts to that well. bathing, has he done it alone? Bedtime routine? Settling for naps? It's all alien to him, as it was to you. You got dropped in the deep end and figured it out, but he has not had that yet. You might even have to write it out for him.


Also, you BOTH need time alone. Your lie in on the mornings can be balanced with him getting some off-time alotted as well over the weekend. It may be an hour of telly or whatever during the day, but all family time, all weekend is hard going for a newbie parent of any gender.

Oh, and you can tell him from me that no woman does it all alone. "it takes a village" isn't a recent saying. We used to have massive families and communities, full of mothers, aunts, sisters, nannies, neighbours who helped. we don't have that anymore. So again, unless he wants his mother in law moving in, he pulls his weight.

implausible

pwurple wrote: »

Also try to remember that he may not know what to actually do. You have so much more experience now, than you had 9 weeks ago. He is a good bit behind you. Nappy change, it's still probably a five minute job for him, you have it done in 30 seconds. Bottles, i betcha he has no clue how to mix them up or when baby gets them. He probably feels like a total useless idiot in his own home, nobody reacts to that well. bathing, has he done it alone? Bedtime routine? Settling for naps? It's all alien to him, as it was to you. You got dropped in the deep end and figured it out, but he has not had that yet. You might even have to write it out for him.

I have to agree with pwurple here. My other half was more or less useless until our wee fella was 3 months old. He just didn't know what to do or what his role was. I also think he was a bit intimidated by how efficient (by comparison) I was. As I was breastfeeding, I made him Minister for Baths - I had to show him how to bath him and he still does it. I'm not allowed do it now because I'm too rough:rolleyes:

Now that we have a second baby, he concentrates on keeping number 1 busy and entertained. He doesn't spend hours of 'quality time' with our new baby, but I know as she gets bigger, he will, because he'll feel more confident about it. The first few months are very intense and often new dads are all at sea with nothing to do, the baby is helpless and not very entertaining!

My advice OP? Hold back from a big argument, give him a specific task to do with the baby and for you (cooking/getting dinner) and if he's anything like my fella, don't criticise sharply or that'll be the end of it!! When he gets a bit more confident, set aside time for yourself (tv programme, walk, coffee) and hand him the baby.

uck51js9zml2yt

implausible wrote: »

My advice OP? Hold back from a big argument, give him a specific task to do with the baby and for you (cooking/getting dinner) and if he's anything like my fella, don't criticise sharply or that'll be the end of it!! When he gets a bit more confident, set aside time for yourself (tv programme, walk, coffee) and hand him the baby.

Good point here...about specific tasks...I suppose I came from the position of being from a big family and changing my fair share of nieces and nephews nappies from a young age.
I knew more than my wife for a few months and had to show her....now she tells me:D

kaalgat

To all of you, thank you so much for taking the time to respond.

Last night when my OH came home, baby was cranky and tired, but I decided to leave baby with him and head out for some 'me time'. After an hour walking on the beach and an hour sitting in a pub drinking coffee, I headed back home, and spent another hour in the bath. This left him to deal with feeds, changes and bed time. By the time we caught up with each other it was midnight, and we'd hit a break through! He actually told me that he has a new found respect for what I have to deal with every day.
This (finally) led to a discussion with no arguments, where I got to tell him how i felt due to the lack of support etc. He got to explain to me that he feels useless, that he doean't know what to do an how to deal with our daughter, that he is having difficulty connecting with her because she doesn't yet respond to him when he talks to her. I think we finally came to a point where we understand each other.

The new agreement is that I teach him how to dress her, change her, bathe her and how to deal with the bed time routine. In turn, he will do a few bits and bobs around the house, like bins, hoovering, cleaning the kitchen etc. and giving me a couple of hours at nighttime for myself. He also offered to do the 6am feed before going to work, so that I get an extra 2 hours in bed.

We don't have any parents nearby, but we know it is important to find the 'us' that gets pushed to the background with a baby in the house, so we booked a weekend trip away for next weekend, and grandparents to babysit.

I am hopeful that with many more calm conversations over the weekend, we can find a way to make it work.

Your comments have been helpful: I didn't realise that he also wakes up when I get up for night feeds, hence the sleep deprivation. I didn't realise that my efficiency with dealing with baby made him feel useless. And that the change in our 'family dynamic' is overwhelming for him too.

Thanks again to all of you!

Supercell

kaalgat wrote: »

He got to explain to me that he feels useless, that he doean't know what to do an how to deal with our daughter, that he is having difficulty connecting with her because she doesn't yet respond to him when he talks to her.

I thought it was only me that felt like that at the start too (as a dad). It does get better from a fathers perspective and by extension for mam as well. Our littlle fella is now almost 4 months old and is full of cooing ,smiles etc by now and its so much easier to feel a bond.

Great to hear you have talked it over, and believe me your OHs heart will melt the first time baba coo's and smiles and grabs his finger, I promise!

LegacyUser

Supercell wrote: »

I thought it was only me that felt like that at the start too (as a dad). It does get better from a fathers perspective and by extension for mam as well. Our littlle fella is now almost 4 months old and is full of cooing ,smiles etc by now and its so much easier to feel a bond.

Great to hear you have talked it over, and believe me your OHs heart will melt the first time baba coo's and smiles and grabs his finger, I promise!

As a dad, I found the whole experience completely overwhelming if I'm honest. Was brought to tears several dozen times in the first 6 months.

I felt so helpless when things were bad, baby up crying at 4am, me and the missus shouting at each other, exhausted, at the end of our tether, and just as we thought things couldn't get worse, he would throw a new challenge at us...it was incredibly, incredibly difficult, and remains so at times even now.....a year later.

I would say those first few months are the worst, when your baby gives you nothing but indifference and anger. When they smile at you, everything begins to change.

I love my boy more than the world now. I would do anything for him, anything.

My favourite quote about this is when someone said up until you have children, your life is a constant 8/10. When you have a child, it becomes a series of 1's and 10's. For the first few months as a dad it is a constant 1. But then the 10's become more frequent :-)

caprilicious

pwurple wrote: »

Oh, and you can tell him from me that no woman does it all alone. "it takes a village" isn't a recent saying. We used to have massive families and communities, full of mothers, aunts, sisters, nannies, neighbours who helped. we don't have that anymore. So again, unless he wants his mother in law moving in, he pulls his weight.

Excellent point pwurple. I think if you lack support of friends/relatives then being a stay at home mum can at times be isolating & a little overwhelming.

Kaalgat I'm delighted that you got sorted with your partner & that he's going to help more now.

I think people sometimes do underestimate how much is involved in caring for a newborn. Like the work colleage that told me to enjoy my "holiday" when I was going on maternity leave :rolleyes: I think he genuinely thought I'd be sitting on my ar$e drinking tea & watching day time tv the whole time I was off :pac:

kaalgat

I think people sometimes do underestimate how much is involved in caring for a newborn. Like the work colleage that told me to enjoy my "holiday" when I was going on maternity leave :rolleyes: I think he genuinely thought I'd be sitting on my ar$e drinking tea & watching day time tv the whole time I was off :pac:[/Quote]

It is amazing how many people think this! I recently got a comment from a friend telling me I must be bored at home all the time... If only

Things are definitely looking up! When I came downstairs from settling our daughter last night, the kitchen was spotless, and a cup of tea was waiting for me! It sounds like so little, but it makes such a huge difference!

Neyite

Yep, When people wonder what you "do" all day the best way of showing them is to not do it, putting them in charge for the day if you can.

OP glad it worked out for you!

tunney

A concept thatr will get me savaged but - its not all about the Mommy. Yes looking after a baby is a full time job, a difficult job. Amazingly though a full time job is also a full time job.

Tabnabs

kaalgat wrote: »

The new agreement is that I teach him how to dress her, change her, bathe her and how to deal with the bed time routine. In turn, he will do a few bits and bobs around the house, like bins, hoovering, cleaning the kitchen etc. and giving me a couple of hours at nighttime for myself. He also offered to do the 6am feed before going to work, so that I get an extra 2 hours in bed.


Your comments have been helpful: I didn't realise that he also wakes up when I get up for night feeds, hence the sleep deprivation. I didn't realise that my efficiency with dealing with baby made him feel useless. And that the change in our 'family dynamic' is overwhelming for him too.

OP, it's great to hear that you have sorted the issue out and the lines of communication are open and being heeded.

From reading your post, it sounds like he's doing the 6am feed and then heading out to work for the day, coming home and then taking over again in the evening so that you can get a little additional time to yourself. If this is accurate then it sounds like the pendulum has swung in the opposite direction and he's quite possibly taking on too much. Add in the sleep deprivation at night and he'll burn out pretty quickly and you'll be back to fatigue induced rattiness and arguments.

Would you consider sharing the early starts and evening time equally? Me and the OH (hi!) take turns with early feeds and we both get a lie in on the weekend, just not together.

His fear of this beautiful but fragile creation and all the responsibility that goes with it is entirely understandable. It would be a shame if the progress you're making in parenthood was set back by him taking on too much, too soon.

pwurple

tunney wrote: »

A concept thatr will get me savaged but - its not all about the Mommy. Yes looking after a baby is a full time job, a difficult job. Amazingly though a full time job is also a full time job.

Hi Tunny, looking after a newborn baby is 3 x full time jobs. Morning, evening and night shift. That's why partners, or grannies help out with maybe one of those shifts.

kaalgat

Tabnabs wrote: »

kaalgat wrote: »

The new agreement is that I teach him how to dress her, change her, bathe her and how to deal with the bed time routine. In turn, he will do a few bits and bobs around the house, like bins, hoovering, cleaning the kitchen etc. and giving me a couple of hours at nighttime for myself. He also offered to do the 6am feed before going to work, so that I get an extra 2 hours in bed.


Your comments have been helpful: I didn't realise that he also wakes up when I get up for night feeds, hence the sleep deprivation. I didn't realise that my efficiency with dealing with baby made him feel useless. And that the change in our 'family dynamic' is overwhelming for him too.

OP, it's great to hear that you have sorted the issue out and the lines of communication are open and being heeded.

From reading your post, it sounds like he's doing the 6am feed and then heading out to work for the day, coming home and then taking over again in the evening so that you can get a little additional time to yourself. If this is accurate then it sounds like the pendulum has swung in the opposite direction and he's quite possibly taking on too much. Add in the sleep deprivation at night and he'll burn out pretty quickly and you'll be back to fatigue induced rattiness and arguments.

Would you consider sharing the early starts and evening time equally? Me and the OH (hi!) take turns with early feeds and we both get a lie in on the weekend, just not together.

His fear of this beautiful but fragile creation and all the responsibility that goes with it is entirely understandable. It would be a shame if the progress you're making in parenthood was set back by him taking on too much, too soon.

No I get that going to work and having to come home and deal with baby as well is taking on much. He specifically asked to do the 6am feed while letting me sleep, and upon returning home from work, looking after her while I take care of dinner. After that he gets the evening to himself, from about 8pm onwards. The break to deal with dinner seems to help put me in a better mood, so that once baby is in bed, we have time for each other.

Obviously I don't want this to be unfair on him either. We're just trying out different things at the moment to see what works best for us. The great part is that now we are working together, and not just me by myself.

Rubberlegs

Moonbeam wrote: »

when one person goes out to work and the other doesn't it can be hard .
Try sleeping when baby sleeps and letting house work suffer to mind yourself and baby.
I have always been the one to mind the kids here with little help and I envy those with husbands that do night feeds or get up with the kids at weekend.
If you are going back to work now is the time to get him involved and prepare him for it.
Go out and catch up with your friends and get him to mind the baby.

I hear ya on this one:(. My OH has worked 3 shifts for years and years, so he's either gone before I'm up, only back in the bed before I'm up, or in bed all morning before work at 2pm. When he is on the 2 till 10pm shift, he can't sleep at night at all, and sits up watching tv. His sleep patterns have always been completely messed up because of this, it's no good for any of us:(. Don't get me wrong he's a great Dad, and adores our girls, but like you, Moonbeam, I never have a lie in at the weekends.
Sometimes, I do resent it. I'm tired too. Just because I don't work outside the home, doesn't mean I'm not. I find myself awake and unable to sleep with the comings and goings on his shifts. I just tell myself we are lucky he has a job.

Anyway after my little rant there, well done OP. fair play to you both:D:D. Those first few months of parenting, especially as first timers, is a scary and challenging time.