Online dating rejection.

LegacyUser

I am a regular poster to boards but am going anonymous for this one.

I'm and 32 year old male who recently start using an online dating. Being very busy with work I found that I haven't really had time to go out to night clubs and meet new women. Plus I am not mad into the drinking scene so this seemed like a good way to meet someone new.

I created a profile and filled out all the question and got 5 of my best photos from Facebook and put them up on the site. Well all the time I spend filling out application forms for jobs when I was younger must have really paid off because before I knew it I was being contacted by 3-4 different women every day. I started messaging them back and would get into IM conversations with some of them. If I felt the conversation was going well I would suggest that we meet up for a coffee to see if we click. So I started meeting up with a few of the ones that took my fancy and here is where the problem started. Sometime I would go for the coffee with them and I wouldn't be that interested in them but because I am quite nice, I would still arrange to go on a date with them. Even some of the girls I would like on the coffee date, but then I would end up not really liking them after a date or two.

Right now I just feel like such a dick, I am so sick of having the I don't think were right for each other conversation. I want to state here, that I wont sleep with a girl if I don't think it going to work out either, and with a lot of them I could have, so its not like I'm ditching them after I get what I want. I don't think it would be nice to just stop contacting them either, but I am so sick of hurting girls feelings. Sometimes they get really upset. This has happened about 8 times now. I am trying not to base everything on looks, but I do think I need to be attracted to someone too.

I apologise if this post seems a little arrogant, but I am genuinely looking for advice, I still want to meet someone, but should I maybe lay off the online dating and go back to meeting people the old fashion way.

Any thoughts or advice would be welcome.

LegacyUser

Are you saying in all the dates that you've had, you havent found 1 attractive or interesting girl enough to pursue? Sounds like you are not giving people a real chance, in the real world, so the turnover is becoming quite high. Although you may be thinking you are nice, ask yourself if you are being too tough. Are you really trying? Trying to get to know any of them rather than brushing them off on things that may be irrelevant, before they get a fair shot? You sound a little emotionally unavailable if they get too close and then cutting yourself off and blaming the women, that they werent good enough etc, rather than looking at yourself.

Also, maybe you are getting too close to these women before meeting, and they are expecting more based on what they already know or you are telling them. Women can get attached easily emotionally to men-men go for the "bang" attractive part first, then comes the emotions, and women will mostly go first on how nice someone appears to be. You seem to be coming across like that, doing the "nice" or reeling them in part, and then pulling the rug from under their feet as they try to get to know you more. Its probably more annoying to them what you are doing.

You dont have to stay in contact with anyone you dont want to. But its probably better that you concentrate on one person at a time-I dont see how multiple dating would help the situation if you discount people immediately. Its like you have an idea that the more women you date, the more chance you have. But you are proof of the pudding that this approach doesnt work. Attractiveness is also no.1 for me, but I also know that there is so much more to a person and a relationship than looks. Trust, loyalty, generally how you get on with someone. Attractiveness is not only just to do with looks - looks fade. The foundations of great relationships are built on other things than just looks.

snafuk35

OnlineDater wrote: »

I am a regular poster to boards but am going anonymous for this one.

I'm and 32 year old male who recently start using an online dating. Being very busy with work I found that I haven't really had time to go out to night clubs and meet new women. Plus I am not mad into the drinking scene so this seemed like a good way to meet someone new.

I created a profile and filled out all the question and got 5 of my best photos from Facebook and put them up on the site. Well all the time I spend filling out application forms for jobs when I was younger must have really paid off because before I knew it I was being contacted by 3-4 different women every day. I started messaging them back and would get into IM conversations with some of them. If I felt the conversation was going well I would suggest that we meet up for a coffee to see if we click. So I started meeting up with a few of the ones that took my fancy and here is where the problem started. Sometime I would go for the coffee with them and I wouldn't be that interested in them but because I am quite nice, I would still arrange to go on a date with them. Even some of the girls I would like on the coffee date, but then I would end up not really liking them after a date or two.

Right now I just feel like such a dick, I am so sick of having the I don't think were right for each other conversation. I want to state here, that I wont sleep with a girl if I don't think it going to work out either, and with a lot of them I could have, so its not like I'm ditching them after I get what I want. I don't think it would be nice to just stop contacting them either, but I am so sick of hurting girls feelings. Sometimes they get really upset. This has happened about 8 times now. I am trying not to base everything on looks, but I do think I need to be attracted to someone too.

I apologise if this post seems a little arrogant, but I am genuinely looking for advice, I still want to meet someone, but should I maybe lay off the online dating and go back to meeting people the old fashion way.

Any thoughts or advice would be welcome.

Your looking for Miss Right so the ones you went out with so far didn't measure up so don't regret finishing with them and moving to the next one. The next woman might be the right one or not. That's just how it works.

beks101

Maybe internet dating just isn't for you.

It works for some, not for others. It wouldn't be my cup of tea either, as from experience I know that chemistry simply can't be guaged from an online conversation or series of conversations.

And chemistry doesn't necessarily have to be a 'looks' thing - I'd imagine you liked the look of these women's photos and that was the deciding factor in meeting up, but you just didn't 'click' with anyone.

I'd say first of all, don't worry about hurting anyone's feelings. You seem to be going about it the right way, as opposed to ignoring them, disappearing off the radar, saying you'll call and not bothering etc, which is twenty times more headwrecking. Rejection is just part and parcel of internet dating.

But you really have to ask yourself WHY each one of these eight women didn't attract you. And what's the cost benefit to continuing down this route?

Think of the girls that you clicked with in the past, past relationships...how did they happen? Where did you meet these women?

Maybe you need to accept that the online thing isn't working out for you and resolve to meet more women face to face right off the bat.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I can relate to your post. I'm a poster on boards but will also go annoymous.
I'm very new to online dating. I have been on a few dates . Simialr to yourself I got on with the guys via mails and IM, Then I met them and I wasn't sure if I was attracted to them. Well some of them didn't look like their photos or post an internet height and in person are actually smaller than you which was funny at the time.

In these circumstances, I always think of how I like to be treated and I do end up going on a second date just to give it a chance. I don't like rejecting people. But I have found out the hard way. I did tell one guy after our second date I dont think this will go anywhere in the nicest way. He didnt take it well and just got angry at me. I felt so guilty. It upset me a little as I felt I never lead him on.

From my experiences, I really think you should go with your gut instinct and just walk away after the first date if there is no attraction or chemistry there. No one likes being rejected and I dont think you can get away from it in the dating scene.

I'm quiting the online dating for now and going to try the old fashioned way. At least if you meet someone out in the pub or at group activities you can figure out pretty quickly if they are worth getting to know more. I find the internet dating a little deceiving and thats just my experience so far.

If you get any good advise please post it

Lorna123

I think that the online dating thing can be disappointing because it is lke opening a box of chocolates, they all look good from where you are sitting and it appears like you have plenty to chose from. The reality is that when you take a bite the inside may not be for you.

What I mean is that there are hundreds of women and men on these dating sites so the expectation is that "surely I will meet someone", there is so much choice. Then you start to pick and chose and a lot of the time people are not what they appear to be when you meet them. It is a tiresome process. In many ways it is no easier than meeting someone at a nightclub, in that they are often not the same on the 1st date than you remember the night you meet them.

I don't know what the answer is OP, except "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Time will bring you your reward". There is no easy way to meet the right person, and it is far harder than it appears. Luck plays a part in it too.

So to sum up, it is not the dating sites but the expectations you get from them and the disappointments that are bound to ensue, which are all part and parcel of the searching game. Keep all your options open, go to the nightclubs, continue with the dating sites and join clubs.