cheating secrets

LegacyUser

ovember I was at a house party with my aunties, a few of their friends, and my bf and some of his friends after a night out (They're all close in age)

I feel asleep in the early hours of the morning when it was dying down, and me and my bf woke up an hour or so later and everyone was either gone or asleep. I went into my aunt's room to get my coat and bag as I was gonna go home, and caught her and my bf's friend in bed together. He has a gf of about 7 years.

I ran out and they followed and I was angry and upset ect, they were saying how stupid it was and that they're so sorry and begged me not to tell anyone.

I felt so guilty after even though I hadn't cheated on someone or slept with someone else's boyfriend. I lost alot of respect from them both. Before, they were two of the best people I knew, and knowing they were capable of that was horrible.

I only know the guy and his gf through my bf, we wouldnt be best friends but I got on with them both.

I didn't know what to do. I felt I had to be loyal to my aunty and in the heat of the moment I said I wouldnt tell anyone. I felt so bad. It was awkward for a while afterwards with them but they just acted normal whenever I saw them, and I couldn't ignore or be mean to them and not explain to anyone why.

I never told his gf

To this day I still feel really bad about.

And last week, I found out that he had cheated on her again. With her best friend! This time she found out, but she decided not to break up with him. Apparently she wants to spend her life with him so she was willing to forgive one drunken mistake.

I don't know if this makes me feel worse or better about keeping the thing about him and my aunt a secret

Part of me thinks that if she's willing to forgive it once she'd probably forgive it twice.

But another part of me thinks that what if she wouldn't stay with him if she knew, and now they're gonna build a life together based on lies and its partly my fault for not telling her.

Also it makes me wonder if he's been caught twice now, has he done it more times and will he do it again?

The only other person who knows is my boyfriend, so hes the only one i can talk to about it, and while he agrees that its a horrible thing to have happened, and he says he understands how and why i feel how i do about it, he still thinks it should just be kept a secret. I love him and trust him but him not seeming to think its as big of a deal as I do makes me wonder could he do the same thing.

It also makes me doubt myself and wonder am I just being silly and naive? I know everyone makes mistakes and does stupid things, but I never would have thought this was acceptable at all.

Sorry this is so long I just really need some opinions and to get it off my chest

tinkerbell

OP, you say this happened in November? I think I remember a post like this before - you posted on here after you caught your aunt yeah?

I really dunno what to tell you OP, that guy sounds like scum tbh. I pity his girlfriend. However if you tell her now, she'll most likely freak at you and direct all the anger towards you since you didn't tell her back in November, rather than directing her anger at her tosser of a boyfriend.

Normally I'd say tell her if you are friends with her. However, if she is willing to take him back after him getting with her best friend, then she clearly doesn't give a crap who he cheats on her with. So I doubt it would even bother her that he slept with your aunt. She sounds like a right idiot so I wouldn't get involved.

Ellsbells

Seeing as she will forgive cheating with her best friend, she'll never dump him. I'd leave it tbh

Cuddlesworth

<snip>

Toast4532

Perhaps I am alone, however I could never lie or cover up for someone if I caught them cheating and they had a partner.

I don't care who they are, I refuse to lie for anyone. If it means being called names or whatever than so be it, I'd rather that than lie about something so serious and disgusting.

You could tell the girlfriend about the incident with your auntie, but quite honestly if she can forgive cheating with her best friend then she won't take any heed about him cheating with anyone else.

Your auntie and this guy should be ashamed of themselves, especially him. What a lowlife, scummy thing to do to someone.

The girlfriend might love him but he sure as hell doesn't love her, how could he love her and do this to her time and time again? He knows she'll forgive him so he'll keep doing it. He's a disgusting person to be carrying on the way he is.

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ananas

OP, say nothing. I know you feel guilt and torment that she's being made a fool out of but honestly, it's not your business. It could all backfire on you horribly and end up in a big family dispute with your aunt with battle lines drawn and people not speaking to one another. Is that worth it to alleviate this sense of guilt that you're feeling? If she's not one of your friends, I would stay well clear.

I know that your moral compass is telling you that the right thing to do is to tell her of the cheating, but you're just going to open a can of worms which is, in my opinion, not worth it.

username123

jadey67 wrote: »

Also it makes me wonder if he's been caught twice now, has he done it more times and will he do it again?

Probably yes and yes.

Id say I advised you to tell last time you posted (I cant remember but it sounds like advice Id give). Or that I advised you to the the bf that if he didnt tell that you wouldnt hold the secret for him? If it all comes out in the wash later it will be worse for the poor girl that other people knew and were covering up for her bf.

And as for your bf not being so upset by it as you? He may just be more accepting that some people are scummy about their behaviour while in a relationship.

Im not sure what you mean about being silly and naive. You seem very tortured by this. Ultimately all of this is nothing to do with you, except for the fact that you are covering up something you directly witnessed. The rest of it is just hearsay.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

Toast4532 wrote: »

Perhaps I am alone, however I could never lie or cover up for someone if I caught them cheating and they had a partner.

I don't care who they are, I refuse to lie for anyone. If it means being called names or whatever than so be it, I'd rather that than lie about something so serious and disgusting.

You could tell the girlfriend about the incident with your auntie, but quite honestly if she can forgive cheating with her best friend then she won't take any heed about him cheating with anyone else.

Your auntie and this guy should be ashamed of themselves, especially him. What a lowlife, scummy thing to do to someone.

The girlfriend might love him but he sure as hell doesn't love her, how could he love her and do this to her time and time again? He knows she'll forgive him so he'll keep doing it. He's a disgusting person to be carrying on the way he is.

If I was giving advise to someone in my shoes, I'd be saying exactly this I'd say.

But the main thing stopping me is what ananas said:

ananas wrote: »

could all backfire on you horribly and end up in a big family dispute with your aunt with battle lines drawn and people not speaking to one another. Is that worth it to alleviate this sense of guilt that you're feeling? If she's not one of your friends, I would stay well clear.

I'm really close to all of my family, and even though my aunt did something horrible I feel like I still shouldn't get her in trouble, and I don't want to cause fights and awkardness in the family.

And people have been saying that the aunty and the boyfriend are scumbags and the girlfriend is stupid for taking him back, and that is definitely true.

But the weird thing is, my aunty and that guy are two of the best people I know (well they were before this). Thats what makes this so hard. I know that people do bad things, but I never ever ever would have expected this from either of them. And as for the girlfriend, she is the complete opposite of stupid. Shes really smart and strong and cool as well.

Maybe she is just being way more strong and rational than most people could ever be, because apart from that, from what I know of them, they are a really great couple and I've always thought they were really perfect together. Apparently, she understands and is willing to forgive him because she came close to doing something similar before. She was drunk and nearly ended up kissing someone.

But I think most people in relationships at some point have flirted with someone else a bit, or had offers from other people. But to me, being able to resist that is whats important. You may be tempted but no matter how drunk or whatever else you are, you should never ever give in to that, and if you do, you shouldn't be able to get away with it.

Taltos

OK - one final question - if your boyfriend did this to you - would you want to know?
It's really that simple.

How you go about telling is not.
One approach would be to give your friend one last chance - "either you tell her by Saturday or I will - your choice. I am not going to be an unwilling accomplice in your little sordid trysts so don't try to guilt me or my boyfriend into lying for you."

Lorna123

It happened last November, nearly 8 months ago, and you haven't told the g/f so what's the point of doing it now. Just leave sleeping dogs lie. If it happens that you are confronted with it then just tell the truth as you know it, but if this doesn't crop up then keep dumb. Why make of point of telling the g/f. If she ever finds out and confronts you about it just say that you didn't want to hurt her and thought it would blow over. That's what I would do. Just say as she wasn't your friend that you felt it was none of your business and didn't want to get involved. I definitely would not get involved.

daisybelle2008

OP, I know this is tough for you especially when it is your Aunt involved. But really it is not your business. The people involved have completely different view of cheating to you and handle it in their own way. The girl has forgiven him for cheating with her best friend for Gods sake.

All this talk of 'if it was your boyfriend would you want to know' is redundant, you can't apply that logic, you have no idea if she would want to know or not. I mean if your boyfriend cheated on you with your best friend would you forgive him like she did??. Leave them to it. I think it would have horrible repercussions on your relationship with your Aunt and family. Don't get yourself caught up in their nonsense. I think you'd come out the worst of it.
If the girl is still with the guy, I'd say the 'best friend' got the boot which shows where her loyalty is in cheating circumstances.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Op, its up to you, but there is no easy answer to this.

As a person who was cheated on and never told until after my break up, I would of rather known than be kept in the dark.

I can never get the time back and it hurts that I was not told.

I'd tell her or even send a anon email saying that he has cheated before.

Lastly even if you do keep quiet and guilt is not too much, he will cheat again.. so why protect him?

Sleepy

If you have to stick your nose into her business, an anonymous email "it's not the first time he's cheated on you" would be the way to go here imo. If he's cheated twice in this short time-frame, it's likely there's been a lot more than the two incidents which would make me think the girl deserves to know what she's getting into.

If she was a good friend of yours, it'd be a bit of a no brainer but since she's not, and the fact your Aunt could get pulled into this, I'd be inclined to leave it personally.

HellFireClub

Best advice I ever got was stay completely and entirely out of other people's affairs and what they get up to, regardless of what you may come to know about their business or personal actions.

You'll get absolutely no thanks from any quarter for interfering in another person's relationship, regardless of what you saw, who is right and who is wrong, stay completely out of it is my advice to you, as I said, you'll get no thanks for interfering.