In love with an addict

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

A few months ago I met an amazing guy and we started going out. He is tall and quite skinny
but extremely attractive, his face is very chiseled and he has sunken cheekbones and at first I thought this was all very heroin chic and found it sexy but now i know the real reason and it's just sad.

He is very hyper and I noticed shortly after we started going out that he can't sit still for long and that he doesn't sleep much. He sleeps only 4 or 5 hours a night ad then gets up. He talks alot and bounces from one topic to the next without any flow. He seemed to sweat alot a night too and has a tiny appetite.

I used to take coke, not alot just the odd time at the weekend but alot of my friends did it heavily and it began to dawn on me that maybe he does coke. I asked him one day and he said yes but only at the weekend. This is a big turn off for me. I don't like drugs at all and certainly don't want to go out with someone who does drugs even if it's just at the weekend. Anyway, I had already fallen for him but knew in my heart that it wasn't going to work. I went into slight denial though and starting justifying his behaviour in my head.

Now however, I've realised that he lied to me. He is very jumpy and moody and I asked him if he does coke everyday and he said no but I know that he's lying. He recently had a tooth ache and started taking tablets for it (lie). This is what he told me. He said he was acting strange because of teh tablets but i know it's just an excuse.

I could go on telling you all about how he acts but there's no point. I know that he's a coke head, you can't kid a kidder and all that but he won't admit it.

My problem is that I am in love with him and on top of that I care for him so much and am constantly worried about him.

What should I do, can anybody give me some advice? I know all too well that an addict won't change unless they want to but I can't just walk away from him. I love him and want this to work but I guess that's not gonna happen.

Any advice for me guys?? Thanks for reading:(

P. Breathnach

Who or what do you love? A heavy drug user is not an authentic person, and if he stopped (which does not look likely on what you tell us) you would be looking at a different person.

You know what you need to do. I think that you are hoping that somebody here might convince you that you can make a future with this man. I'm sorry - truly sorry - to take the other position: there is nothing in this for you but potential pain. Take the pain now; it can only get worse if you don't.

daisybelle2008

Run for the hills as fast as you can…

Seriously, you know this guy a wet week, what are you talking about 'being in love' and not being able to walk away?

He is clearly an absolute mess, who can barely string a sentence together, acts strange and moody, LIEs to you and is incapable of taking care of his appearance or himself.

I am not sure what fairytale land you are existing in but maybe look at your self esteem, why would you want to be saddled down with this hot mess of dysfunction.

Seriously you are not 'in love' 'with him, you just don't like yourself enough to have higher standards for a partner.

Ellsbells

cokenojoke wrote: »

My problem is that I am in love with him and on top of that I care for him so much and am constantly worried about him.

cokenojoke wrote: »

I can't just walk away from him.

cokenojoke wrote: »

I love him and want this to work but I guess that's not gonna happen.

Ok we get it - you are in love with him but who is he?? If he is an addict then you dont know who he is really. As Dr phil says 'how do you know an addict is lying? Their lips are moving'..... You dont trust him because you dont believe what he is telling you.

Its not exactly the stuff is dreams is it? a few months in and you are already constantly worried about him. Come on....

You can and should just walk away from him unless you have a persecution complex.

If you already know its not going to work why are you wasting your time. You can try the whole talking to him angle but sounds like he is too far in to either want to stop or be able to tell you the truth...

It sounds like heroin tbh... Dont know why its called heroin chic, it looks more heroin freak to me...

Matteroffact

cokenojoke wrote: »

Hi Guys,

A few months ago I met an amazing guy and we started going out. He is tall and quite skinny
but extremely attractive, his face is very chiseled and he has sunken cheekbones and at first I thought this was all very heroin chic and found it sexy but now i know the real reason and it's just sad.

He is very hyper and I noticed shortly after we started going out that he can't sit still for long and that he doesn't sleep much. He sleeps only 4 or 5 hours a night ad then gets up. He talks alot and bounces from one topic to the next without any flow. He seemed to sweat alot a night too and has a tiny appetite.

I used to take coke, not alot just the odd time at the weekend but alot of my friends did it heavily and it began to dawn on me that maybe he does coke. I asked him one day and he said yes but only at the weekend. This is a big turn off for me. I don't like drugs at all and certainly don't want to go out with someone who does drugs even if it's just at the weekend. Anyway, I had already fallen for him but knew in my heart that it wasn't going to work. I went into slight denial though and starting justifying his behaviour in my head.

Now however, I've realised that he lied to me. He is very jumpy and moody and I asked him if he does coke everyday and he said no but I know that he's lying. He recently had a tooth ache and started taking tablets for it (lie). This is what he told me. He said he was acting strange because of teh tablets but i know it's just an excuse.

I could go on telling you all about how he acts but there's no point. I know that he's a coke head, you can't kid a kidder and all that but he won't admit it.

My problem is that I am in love with him and on top of that I care for him so much and am constantly worried about him.

What should I do, can anybody give me some advice? I know all too well that an addict won't change unless they want to but I can't just walk away from him. I love him and want this to work but I guess that's not gonna happen.

Any advice for me guys?? Thanks for reading:(

I understand that you are deeply concerned for this guy. You see a really nice person and you hate to think he is destroying himself like this. You want to help him, which is a different thing to being in love with him. I don't know enough about drugs to advise you but if you could just steer him into getting help you would be doing him a great favour.

Greenduck

Hi OP,

That is really a difficult situation! On one hand you're completely in love and the other you're feeling devastated.

I have no experience myself with this but I do know that in order to help him, he must help himself first. Acknowledging that he has a problem is the 1st step. If he is in denial or even worse - lying to you, then there is not much you can do in fairness. You cant help someone who doesnt want to be helped, as heartbreaking as it is.

What worries me, is that it is all assumption at the moment. You don't actually know the extent of the problem or if he even has one for sure! For this to get any better he needs to own up and tell you. I wouldnt normally recomment ultimatums but in this case I dont think you have much choice. Be prepared for the worst if you do this as it could backfire, especially if you are wrong on the situation.

Have you ever thought, maybe this is just his personality and not drug related?

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Run for the hills as fast as you can…

Seriously, you know this guy a wet week, what are you talking about 'being in love' and not being able to walk away?

He is clearly an absolute mess, who can barely string a sentence together, acts strange and moody, LIEs to you and is incapable of taking care of his appearance or himself.

I am not sure what fairytale land you are existing in but maybe look at your self esteem, why would you want to be saddled down with this hot mess of dysfunction.

Seriously you are not 'in love' 'with him, you just don't like yourself enough to have higher standards for a partner.

How dare you. How absolutely dare you speak to me that way and make such derogatory comments about someone you have never met. You don't know me and you don't know him.

I am very much in love with him and it's not been 'a wet week'. I have known him for 6 months and have been his girlfriend for 3 months. He is an intelligent man and can string a sentence together. Jesus, the guy has a problem clearly but that doesn't make him a hot mess of dysfunction. My self esteem is in good shape too so get down off your judgemental high horse. Your post is unhelpful and plain nasty. Your post actually made me cry so I hope you're happy.

I care deeply about this person and he has countless wonderful traits but this thread is related to his drug problem. I believe every problem has a solution and even if that means I have to walk then so be it but perhaps think before you post such bitchy horrible replies here.

Beetlebum

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Run for the hills as fast as you can…

Seriously, you know this guy a wet week, what are you talking about 'being in love' and not being able to walk away?

He is clearly an absolute mess, who can barely string a sentence together, acts strange and moody, LIEs to you and is incapable of taking care of his appearance or himself.

I am not sure what fairytale land you are existing in but maybe look at your self esteem, why would you want to be saddled down with this hot mess of dysfunction.

Seriously you are not 'in love' 'with him, you just don't like yourself enough to have higher standards for a partner.

She doesn't want to be saddled down with this guy, she came here asking for help and said she realises they may not be possible and that in her heart she knows it won't work.

She is clearly very sad about this and your post is horrible. I would actually report it but i'm not sure how.

You don't know if she's in love or not either. People can fall in love very quickly and many people are in love with addicts. My best friend was actually a coke head but he went to rehab and sorted his life out. Now he's back to his old self and I love him dearly. I loved him just as much when he was a full blown addict. Are you honestly saying that it's not possible to love a drug addict?? Get a clue....seriously...and don't be so damn harsh either. I bet you've never touched drugs in your life but are the first to point fingers. Sweet lord.

daisybelle opposing opinions and advice to an OP are welcomed as part of PI but please tone it down a bit and remember this is someone looking for help. remember also you don't know all the fine details

everyone else let's get back on track
thanks

holyhead

OP, if you say your in love with this man who is a drug addict then you are. The problem is that until he wants to help himself he wont nor can you. Addicts are by nature manipulative and devious. So to hear he is lying to you is not a huge shock however disappointing you may find it.
You have one life. You have no future with someone while there addiction is active. If he moves to a state of being a dormant addict then there is hope. But not until then. Best of luck!

daisybelle2008

cokenojoke wrote: »

How dare you. How absolutely dare you speak to me that way and make such derogatory comments about someone you have never met. You don't know me and you don't know him.

I am very much in love with him and it's not been 'a wet week'. I have known him for 6 months and have been his girlfriend for 3 months. He is an intelligent man and can string a sentence together. Jesus, the guy has a problem clearly but that doesn't make him a hot mess of dysfunction. My self esteem is in good shape too so get down off your judgemental high horse. Your post is unhelpful and plain nasty. Your post actually made me cry so I hope you're happy.

I care deeply about this person and he has countless wonderful traits but this thread is related to his drug problem. I believe every problem has a solution and even if that means I have to walk then so be it but perhaps think before you post such bitchy horrible replies here.

Wait a second firstly maybe you are being judgmental, assuming he has a drug habit.

My 'derogotory' comments were 100% based on what YOU said about him in your first post. About the lying, moodiness, acting strange, conversation jumping, remember?

That is what you said AND you indicated you were only tipping the iceberg.

You also said it was a few (a few is usually 2 or 3) months ago you met him.

You don't know if it is the drugs causing his dysfunctional behaviour. And the behaviour you describe IS dysfunctional. Maybe that is his character.

You are blaming drugs but he is telling you he is not using every day.

daisybelle2008

Beetlebum wrote: »

She doesn't want to be saddled down with this guy, she came here asking for help and said she realises they may not be possible and that in her heart she knows it won't work.

She is clearly very sad about this and your post is horrible. I would actually report it but i'm not sure how.

You don't know if she's in love or not either. People can fall in love very quickly and many people are in love with addicts. My best friend was actually a coke head but he went to rehab and sorted his life out. Now he's back to his old self and I love him dearly. I loved him just as much when he was a full blown addict. Are you honestly saying that it's not possible to love a drug addict?? Get a clue....seriously...and don't be so damn harsh either. I bet you've never touched drugs in your life but are the first to point fingers. Sweet lord.

The OP is jumping to the conclusion the guy is a coke head, he is saying he is not. We do not know who is telling the truth. All we have is a little bit of the story. Of course I am not saying it is impossible to love a drug addict, I am saying it is impossible to KNOW someone after a'few months'. She is blaming coke for his negative personality traits. Maybe that is the real him not the coke how does she know?

For your information, drugs could be legal for all I care, it is a free choice. He would want to be doing a lot of high quality coke to be acting like she is saying and that is not widely available.

AllyMcFearless

If you care for him, you have to convince him to get professional help. I've dealt with drug addiction in my family, and it's a hard thing for them to do but they need some sort of rehabilitation to get themselves back on track.

I hope everything works out for you, OP.

holly2011

I fell for a guy, 7 years ago, didnt realise when I met him he was an addict, he told me two months in, and gave me the choice to walk away. Its so hard to cope with. If I had my time back, i honestly think i should have walked away as bad as that sounds. He has been doing so well but sometimes falls off the wagon, which happened at the weekend. We have no kids yet, both in our 30's and until this problem is sorted, i feel my life is on hold.

If anyone knows of a good counsellor would be great, trying to make him see one. He has been to some but would like one who has come out of the other end of an addiction. He has a lot going on and I would love to see him conquer his demons.

Best of luck with whatever you decide

LegacyUser

Hey OP.


There are many medical conditions that cause folk to act the way your BF is acting, ADD/ADHD, Hyperthyroidism etc, and yes, psychoactive chemicals. He has not said that he is using 'Coke' every day, just at weekends. I guess you should take him at his word. Also, my brother only sleeps 4/5 hours a night, no drugs involved, that's just all his body and mind need


Now, I'm guessing that because you love this man that even if you knew for a fact that he was 'using' every day that you would still stand by him. Which is fair enough. However, like all addicts, the only person that can help them are themselves and only when they are ready. You can be there to support them but it will be hard work.


On another note. Just saying he WAS doing Coke every day. Where is he getting the funds??? I mean it's not cheap!!! Now, I am guesstimating here but...to be acting the way he is he must be on at least a gram a day. That works out at about 400-600 Euros a week!!! Huge monies. This would worry me. I know people that do Coke everyday. However, they have very well paid jobs and would have a 'line' in the evening with a glass of wine. That's their life style choice and who am I to judge.


At this point all you can do is talk to the guy or walk away.


I wish you both all the best.

LegacyUser

If he is an addict, I would stop it. The relationship is too soon and not worth sticking it out in my opinion.

It would be one thing to be married to someone who may have developed an addiction to a substance or behaviour. At least time has been invested in the relationship and with compassion and therapy (and of course the partner's willingness to stop and get help) I would of course stay and support them any way I can possible. If they are not willing to stop than I guess the marriage would be over. Not an environment I would want the children to grow up in.

I could not see myself starting a relationship with someone with an active addiction or recreationally using. I cannot imagine being with someone who willingly chooses to take a substance that is knowingly harmful and potentially deadly. I don't care what others say, an addiction affects and impacts everyone; the addict, loved ones, colleagues etc. People think that the addict is only harming themselves which is bs. I have seen and heard many who have been heartbroken because of someone else's addiction. Too much heartache, stress and drama for me.

I would end it if I were you. There are plenty of men out there who put themselves and others first before a substance. I am sorry but for an addict their addiction is first before anything or anyone else.

CarMe

I really have to agree with Daisybelle here. OP Im sorry to say you can't know the real him if he's been an addict in all the time you've known him. You've been his girlfriend for three months, that really would be considered a wet weekend in some peoples eyes-especially if he's been high as a kite for this time. He began this relationship by lying to you, is this really something you want to pursue? Really? Can you not ask him to get help, there are some great rehabs in Ireland that Im sure would be happy to help. Maybe ask yourself why you think this is the kind of relationship you deserve, these early stages are supposed to be amazing and what you've described is very sad, if you had a daughter would that be the kind of life you'd want for her?

Also how can you be sure coke is all he's taking? By the sounds of things I would doubt very much it is.

IrishEyes19

Amazing how harsh many people are being here. As if no one has ever had feelings for or cared for someone who hasnt made the right choices in life. Confidence and taking the high ground is very easy behind a computer screen compared to reality.

OP, I'm sorry for the situation you are in. I'm sure in many ways he is perfect for you but unfortunately the drug use is a major factor for you.

If it was me I would have to end the relationship. It would be extremely hard if I loved him. Of course it would. But I feel my feelings towards the drugs or anything that I didnt approve of would just escalate and cause problems in the relationship anyway.

Having said that you can always sit down and express your feelings but words sometimes aren't strong enough to stop someone taking drugs/smoking/drinking. The old cliche rings out here but you really do have to want to quit and until that person does, nothing you do or anyone else does is going to make them.

The negatives I think that could happen for you is your dislike of them will annoy him and his disregard for your feelings will annoy you.

Talking about it is certainly an option, but I'm not sure a compromise can be found here. And to be honest I wouldnt and dont think anyone should have to compromise where it regards drugs. Not when the use of them affects more than just the person taking them. I think you need to make a decision based on how much you are willing to accept his usage of them. good luck

Zombrex

cokenojoke wrote: »

How dare you. How absolutely dare you speak to me that way and make such derogatory comments about someone you have never met. You don't know me and you don't know him.

I am very much in love with him and it's not been 'a wet week'. I have known him for 6 months and have been his girlfriend for 3 months. He is an intelligent man and can string a sentence together. Jesus, the guy has a problem clearly but that doesn't make him a hot mess of dysfunction. My self esteem is in good shape too so get down off your judgemental high horse. Your post is unhelpful and plain nasty. Your post actually made me cry so I hope you're happy.

I care deeply about this person and he has countless wonderful traits but this thread is related to his drug problem. I believe every problem has a solution and even if that means I have to walk then so be it but perhaps think before you post such bitchy horrible replies here.

In fairness while quite harsh daisy hasn't really said anything other than what you yourself hinted at in your first passage.

You feel for the guy you thought this guy was. That was a fantasy, he didn't really exist. You have now found out what this guys is really like, and you aren't in love with that guy you are still in love with the original fantasy notion of what you thought he was like.

You need to keep this in mind when ever you are considering your future with him. You don't want him you want the person you thought he was. And he will never be that person, even if he stopped taking drugs.

I appreciate it is not easy to see this. I went out with a girl for a while that I was mad about but she did not treat me well at all. When my friends and family would say why don't you break up with her I would say "But I love her" until my mum dragged me aside one time and gave me a harsh but totally correct talking to where she ask did I love the cheating on me, or the ignoring me, or the humilations in public etc. She told me what I told you above, that I was in love with who I thought this girl might have been, who I wanted her to be, not who she turned out to really be.

This really resonated with me (some of the best advice my mum ever gave me) and since then you notice the same behavior in all over the place. Initially I was quite angry with my mum for making me face this because I was also in love with being in love. I wanted to be in a relationship, I wanted to this to work, I wanted this girl as I imagined she could be, I wanted to be happy with her, I didn't want to be single again. But at some point you have to face the reality of the situation you are in.

So all you have to ask yourself is are you in love with his drug us, are you in love with the way he lies to you about his drug us, are you in love with the way he sneaks around and isn't truthful about what he is doing or going?

If not then you aren't in love with him

You have to accept him as he really is, you have to love him as he really is. Otherwise your relationship is just fantasy that will lead to eventual heartbreak.

petes

holly2011 wrote: »

I fell for a guy, 7 years ago, didnt realise when I met him he was an addict, he told me two months in, and gave me the choice to walk away. Its so hard to cope with. If I had my time back, i honestly think i should have walked away as bad as that sounds. He has been doing so well but sometimes falls off the wagon, which happened at the weekend. We have no kids yet, both in our 30's and until this problem is sorted, i feel my life is on hold.

If anyone knows of a good counsellor would be great, trying to make him see one. He has been to some but would like one who has come out of the other end of an addiction. He has a lot going on and I would love to see him conquer his demons.

Best of luck with whatever you decide

Has he been to any NA meetings? Question also goes to the OP.

holly2011

No he hasn't been to NA, are they good? He is a very private person and I think he would be worried that he might see someone he knows, if its a group thing. His main problem is dealing with emotions, instead he choses drugs. Things were going great, but now I feel i can't trust him. He said this was a one off but i'm not sure whether to believe him. He said he was sent to counselling before, but he didn't give it a chance, think he went twice. He told me they can't help him, they haven't been where he is so won't understand. I know this is a bump in the road but I'm finding it hard to just forget this and move on, I'm worried that this is going to keep happening.

LegacyUser

holly2011 wrote: »

No he hasn't been to NA, are they good? He is a very private person and I think he would be worried that he might see someone he knows, if its a group thing. His main problem is dealing with emotions, instead he choses drugs. Things were going great, but now I feel i can't trust him. He said this was a one off but i'm not sure whether to believe him. He said he was sent to counselling before, but he didn't give it a chance, think he went twice. He told me they can't help him, they haven't been where he is so won't understand. I know this is a bump in the road but I'm finding it hard to just forget this and move on, I'm worried that this is going to keep happening.

It will keep happening if he does not go to therapy or rehab. He is making excuses and not ready to stop. You have to have the motivation and be willing to and he doesn't have any.

Read these articles. They are from a very insightful blog:

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/addiction-recovery/2012/04/why-do-recovering-addicts-stop-going-to-meetings/

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/addiction-recovery/2012/01/why-addicts-leave-treatment-early/

petes

holly2011 wrote: »

No he hasn't been to NA, are they good? He is a very private person and I think he would be worried that he might see someone he knows, if its a group thing. His main problem is dealing with emotions, instead he choses drugs. Things were going great, but now I feel i can't trust him. He said this was a one off but i'm not sure whether to believe him. He said he was sent to counselling before, but he didn't give it a chance, think he went twice. He told me they can't help him, they haven't been where he is so won't understand. I know this is a bump in the road but I'm finding it hard to just forget this and move on, I'm worried that this is going to keep happening.

I can understand it's hard. I'm not sure about NA meetings as I myself go to AA meetings but have heard of them through that. It is a group thing. Believe me I wasn't exactly looking forward to my first AA meeting.

asdf1234

*edit* Deleted...

Taltos

asdf1234 and others - can I please remind you to always post in line with our charter and site rules. Doing otherwise will quickly win you a vacation from this forum.

Thanks
Taltos

Reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner, remember being a Personal Issues board the contents of some threads may be very close to people's hearts.

Any advice given should be mature, constructive and non-abusive. Opinions are welcome. Ridicule and nastiness are not.

puffishoes

I think you sit the guy down, tell him exactly how you feel and you're ending it based simply on the drug use.

Yes drugs can "change" a person but fundamentally he is the guy you fell in love with. Walk away and get on with your life.

If he loves you as you do him he'll go and get clean and realise what the drug is taking from his life. If 6 months to a year down the line you're in a place where he's clean and you want to give it another try I'd go for it.

If he doesn't clean up his act well you got out earlier rather than later with a lot less pain and probably a lot more money.