New baby - Romance dead ? Comments from the women aswell plz!

vibes23

I duno if this is right thread but here goes.....

My missus just given birth to our first child little treasure. We been together for years have a excellent relationship no major problems. On build up to my little one arriving ppl were saying "ah things go down hill from here" and " Its all bout the kids"

I laughed it off but beginning to believe !! I love my missus and want to be with her but things do feel like they have changed between us, ie i get home from work i chill with baby, put baby to bed, get dinner by time all thats done im asleep on couch. There no me and her time at all and wen we do get chance we seem to argue and at each others throats something never really happened before.

Im baffled....... will this pass, wat can i d to help ?

Beruthiel

vibes23 wrote: »

There no me and her time at all and wen we do get chance we seem to argue and at each others throats something never really happened before.

Taking care of a new baby is very stressful, exhausting and time consuming.
The responsibility can be huge and a tad scary. Perhaps your partner is feeling all of it.
What are ye arguing about?
Does she think you are not pulling your weight?

Yes. When a child arrives it is all about the baby.
That will change as time passes, but for now, baby comes first.

Later, when you are comfortable leaving the baby with someone for a few hours, ye should make an effort to spend time together.

vibes23

Cheers for that.

Were not really arguing its more just nit picking at stupid things. Dont get me wrong not always like that but seems to be more so then ever before. Mind you the baby comes first and that's fine with me cause i wouldn change that for the world. I suppose just have to put more of an effort in or we both do !!!

Its alot tougher then i ever thaught would be. As for pulling weight jaysis she doing a savage job

Wise Old Elf

OP, it does get better, but it takes a bit of work.
My older kid is nearly 4 now and the first few weeks were tough going, it's such a culture shock from being relatively free to having almost every aspect of your life controlled by a baby.
We're lucky enough in that we can call on my parents in law to mind the kids on occasion and get out for a meal together. The first time we did this after number 1 was born, the pair of us almost fell asleep at the table!
That being said, second baby born 11 weeks ago, and it's much easier second time round, much less nitpicking and arguing (although it does happen), so chin up and things will get better.

vanillavanilla

The first few weeks are so tiring with the night feeds and we all know tiredness makes us cranky and we tend to nit pick at whoever is handy! It will pass, trust me. Once the baby starts sleeping longer during the night all that inital exhaustion will ease and things will be a lot more relaxed. Just enjoy these first few weeks for what they are because the time passes so fast. Give yourselves a break, it's a huge upheaval in life but also a very special time so enjoy it. Even if ye can't go out alone together, organise something nice at home like a nice dinner, maybe the tesco dine in deal or something "treaty" like that. Also, fill the bath for the missus, pour her a glass of wine or a cuppa, light her a scented candle and let her chill out alone for an hour. It will be much needed and appreciated.

Mostly though just remember that these few weeks with your new addition to the family, while tiring and sometimes stressful, are some of the happiest weeks you will ever experience as a couple.

Piliger

Hi OP. Father of 20yo here...

Firstly congratulations Secondly you mention "My missus just given birth" so it's very recent ... !

I would imagine OP that you knew things would change, so you are not totally shocked. Nevertheless it is a bit of a shock to the system for a while But you are making a sacrifice by bringing a child into the world and life will never be 'the same' again. But it can be better if you work at it and plan it.

As "Disco Stuart" says above, very correctly ... it takes work.

Be patient first of all. Your wife has gone through a physical process that if men did it, we'd still be living in a small forest in Africa ! So she needs time for her body and hormones to recover.

Also both of you need to put into place good habits. Your help with the baby in the evening can help her avoid total exhaustion. And both of you to make sure you get time together on a regular basis, even for a few hours. I know how hard this is, and it's also expensive ! But if you start with good habits, it will pay of BIG time down the road.

Be patient and most of all .... keep talking with you wife and don't let irritations fester.

sam34

from tgc with love

op, I think it'll be better here.

Shivers26

It will definitely get better. The early weeks are tough with lack of sleep and adjusting to the new family dynamic.

Do try and make an effort to get some sort of alone time, even just an hour or 2 while the baby sleeps. My OH would run me baths and then sit and chat with me. I felt special and relaxed and we got to chat without either of us jumping to clean something or whatever. Years later and we still do the chat in the bath thing... works for us

Anyway, as soon as you are comfortable leaving the baby for a few hours then do it and get out and enjoy some time to yourselves.

hoodwinked

vibes23 wrote: »

Cheers for that.

Were not really arguing its more just nit picking at stupid things. Dont get me wrong not always like that but seems to be more so then ever before. Mind you the baby comes first and that's fine with me cause i wouldn change that for the world. I suppose just have to put more of an effort in or we both do !!!

Its alot tougher then i ever thaught would be. As for pulling weight jaysis she doing a savage job

parent of a three year old here,

honestly we went the same way after our daughter was born, and its only now lately things relationship wise have been getting back on track (we have been organising a wedding this past year so have been stressed over that too)

i believe the true making of a relationship (and the most testing) is the first year or so after having a baby,

if you can get through that you'll get through anything,

its tough not having time for just the two of you, running on zero or minimum sleep, parents are bound to get narky and nit pick being so tired and cranky. you just have to get through it (and enjoy these moments with your baby) but just remember to make an effort every now and then to get a night off or spend some quality time together.

Patience is the key here!

Pa Dee

vibes23 wrote: »

I duno if this is right thread but here goes.....

My missus just given birth to our first child little treasure. We been together for years have a excellent relationship no major problems. On build up to my little one arriving ppl were saying "ah things go down hill from here" and " Its all bout the kids"

I laughed it off but beginning to believe !! I love my missus and want to be with her but things do feel like they have changed between us, ie i get home from work i chill with baby, put baby to bed, get dinner by time all thats done im asleep on couch. There no me and her time at all and wen we do get chance we seem to argue and at each others throats something never really happened before.

Im baffled....... will this pass, wat can i d to help ?

Yeah - in about 3 or 4 years assuming you don't have any more kids. If you do it greatly complicates matters

Tim the Enchanter

Pa Dee wrote: »

Yeah - in about 3 or 4 years assuming you don't have any more kids. If you do it greatly complicates matters

I don't think more kids would necessarily complicate matters, but would of course add to the work load. My missus had our two kids fairly close together. One is 3 and a half and the other will be 2 in September. Now having them so close together helped in that we were still in the routine of bottles and nappies and lack of sleep and all that. We did argue and still do from time to time but that’s could happen kids or not. New mothers need time to adjust as do new dads, once this happens you will find that you will have that extra bit of time in the evenings for some 'romantic' time. Stick with it OP because it will turn out to be all good!!!!

dannyc31

I don't think more kids would necessarily complicate matters, but would of course add to the work load. My missus had our two kids fairly close together. One is 3 and a half and the other will be 2 in September. Now having them so close together helped in that we were still in the routine of bottles and nappies and lack of sleep and all that. We did argue and still do from time to time but that’s could happen kids or not. New mothers need time to adjust as do new dads, once this happens you will find that you will have that extra bit of time in the evenings for some 'romantic' time. Stick with it OP because it will turn out to be all good!!!!

funny you say this, i keep telling one of my best mates who has had his first kid to just hurry up and have the second one so he doesnt have to go through this torturous first year down the line. he is still shell shocked from this little arrival and his toddler is now nearly 3.

i dont know how people do it, but best of luck with it, as someone said before its the making or breaking of many couples so if you can get through this phase you're relationship can only get stronger.

providing you dont have any more kids

Supercell

OP I know how you feel, initially I had similar thoughts when our little one came along. But you do learn get on with it and make together time whenever you can.
We try to get a parent to look after him now every so often and the wife pumps before hand so we know he is going to get milk if needed and he's in good hands and most importantly we get some together time.
Last week that was just herself getting her hair done and a walk on the beach together afterwards, it doesn't have to be anything fancy but it does make a difference and keeps the spark going

qwertytlk

vibes23 wrote: »

I duno if this is right thread but here goes.....

My missus just given birth to our first child little treasure. We been together for years have a excellent relationship no major problems. On build up to my little one arriving ppl were saying "ah things go down hill from here" and " Its all bout the kids"

I laughed it off but beginning to believe !! I love my missus and want to be with her but things do feel like they have changed between us, ie i get home from work i chill with baby, put baby to bed, get dinner by time all thats done im asleep on couch. There no me and her time at all and wen we do get chance we seem to argue and at each others throats something never really happened before.

Im baffled....... will this pass, wat can i d to help ?

Hey,
To be honest I think this is pretty normal thing for couples to experience after they have a baby. The dynamics of your relationship completely change and instead of it being all about you and her, it's now all about the baby and especially in the first few months, or first year, there really isn't time for much else.
It's a big change for both of you and it's a big change for your girlfriend as she has given birth and there are a lot of changes not only Going on in her life but her mind and body too. This can be alot to come to terms with for a new Mum.
Add all that to being rushed off your feet and totally sleep deprived and it's pretty hard core stuff!

I gave birth to my son 13 months ago and it's only now that I'm starting to get a little time to myself and some "us" time for me and my partner.
I think everyone has a pretty idealistic view of what having a baby will be like- happy families, bring the couple closer together etc, and while it is like that in a way, it's also hard too and demanding.
For the first while me an my partner felt like we were always at each others throats and when I look back on it, we kind of were. But it wasnt because we didn't like or love each other anymore it was more that we were both absolutely wrecked tired for the first few months and that we were getting used to the huge changes in our lives. I remember we also had a lot of disagreements about the baby and how to do things with him but thankfully that's all pretty much on the past now.

You don't say how old your child Is but I'm guessing it's not more than a few months old. So give it time and be pAtient with each other. Once your baby gets to about 6-8 weeks they usually start to sleep a bit better at night and for longer and as they get older this usually keeps improving. By the time my son was 4mobtjs old he was sleeping between 8-12 hours a night and this made a huge difference to how me and my other half were feelin as we weren't so tired.

Give it time, be patient, make time for each other not only as a family but as a couple and if you have willing and able babysitters then take them up on any offers of minding the baby as its really important to do things alone as a couple and to get a break from the baby.

ash23

I know when I had my baby I felt suffocated. I was at home with her all day and couldn't even take a shower without sussing out where to put her and sticking my head out the bathroom door to make sure she wasn't crying. I brought her into the bathroom in her bouncer in the end.

It's tough going OP. You go from being able to come and go as you please to having to plan your bathroom breaks around feeds and naps, all of which are unpredictable at such a young age. Also, in my own experience, I found the small baby very boring. There's a lot of joy from them but at the end of the day, very little interaction from them when they are tiny.

So what I would advise is to give your wife a bit of "me" time when you get in (which it sounds like you do already in fairness). Let her out for a walk or some time to just lie in bed and read/listen to music. Whatever her way of chilling out may be. DO NOT let her start cleaning and making bottles when you take the baby. She needs a bit of space from it all if she's home all day.

I would also suggest a date night. Either get a babysitter and go for an early bird meal or if ye don't want to leave the bubs, plan something special. It needn't be a big deal, a takeaway at the table with candles and napkins and a glass of wine.

It does pass OP. My "little" baby is now approaching 10 and I have all the time in the world She's always out playing or in her room. I have to get her to schedule in some time with her ould mammy