I don't know what to do to fix the mess I have made of my life

LegacyUser

I'm 31, severely bulimic for over 10 years -I spend about €30 - €50 a day on food. I work full time, my jobs OK - I get on well with everyone, they would see me as a perfectionist and possibly high achiever. I am in about €30k worth of debt which I am in total denial about. My mother swoops in at the last minute to meet my car payments and rent. She's saving face for me. I've missed so many direct debit payments I imagine no one will ever give me a loan again. I can't keep a relationship going because I freak out about "him" finding out about my illness and thinking i am disgusting...also as I have an awful credit rating I will never get a mortgage or anything like that - i'm seeing a counsellor for my bulimia, my mothers paying as I can't...I don't think it's doing me much good - just feels like the problem is part of who I am now. I am obsessed with people never ever finding out about my illness so going in to residential care isn;t really an option, I know my mum wouldn't like anyone to find out either.

Anyway, I wake up most days hoping to be involved in some sort of fatal accident, i don't want to be here but I couldn't take my own life....I wouldn't do that to my family, i have hurt them as much as I can already. Just keep feeling like I've made such a mess, I can't go back in time and stop it happening and i'm never going to be able to make it right

LegacyUser

I was exactly the same as you - bulimic for ten years. I came of the pill and it simply stopped. Not sure if you are on the pill but if you are, it's worth a try

LegacyUser

bulumia is about control, its one aspect of your life that you can control, but sounds like even the bulumia is out of control. i know you are seeing a counsellor and yes thats great step but i wonder was that purely driven by your mother and not you? Your mother is just trying to help and means well but deep down it has to be you who wants this change.
Just a question to ask... is this counsellor a psychotherapist? Counselling offers a brief treatment whilst psychotherapy will dig deeper and give you an understanding the root of why you are doing this to yourself, effectively taking you back to why you first started. It will be a tough road, but you have to believe it is fixable, try to understand why you are doing this and the causes... It wont be easy but you have to believe you will get there. speaking from a person who suffered from both anorexia and bulumia, when i got control of my life the eating disorder faded. i still have twinges but i control it now not the other way around. Keep going to the counselling but please try and figure out why you started doing this in the first place. please stop hating yourself, am sure you are beautiful woman with alot to give! sending you all my best.

snafuk35

screwup12 wrote: »

I'm 31, severely bulimic for over 10 years -I spend about €30 - €50 a day on food. I work full time, my jobs OK - I get on well with everyone, they would see me as a perfectionist and possibly high achiever. I am in about €30k worth of debt which I am in total denial about. My mother swoops in at the last minute to meet my car payments and rent. She's saving face for me. I've missed so many direct debit payments I imagine no one will ever give me a loan again. I can't keep a relationship going because I freak out about "him" finding out about my illness and thinking i am disgusting...also as I have an awful credit rating I will never get a mortgage or anything like that - i'm seeing a counsellor for my bulimia, my mothers paying as I can't...I don't think it's doing me much good - just feels like the problem is part of who I am now. I am obsessed with people never ever finding out about my illness so going in to residential care isn;t really an option, I know my mum wouldn't like anyone to find out either.

You need to tell your mother about the 30k, you need to tell "him" you have an eating disorder and if you have friends who care about you and love you tell them too. Be open about your problem. You're not perfect. You are a human being. What is "normal" and who is "normal"? Everybody has problems and you are just one more person trying to struggle along like every one else. You are a fighter and you are doing your best but there's no shame in admitting your weaknesses to others. That's a strength!

Anyway, I wake up most days hoping to be involved in some sort of fatal accident, i don't want to be here but I couldn't take my own life....I wouldn't do that to my family, i have hurt them as much as I can already.

Your family love you and care about you especially your mother who helps you with money. "Him" probably loves and cares about you too. Open up to them all and tell them your fears and frustrations and terrors and they will understand.

Just keep feeling like I've made such a mess, I can't go back in time and stop it happening and i'm never going to be able to make it right

You can't go back and sometime people can't make it right. Life is tough and struggle. But try to find humor in life. Try to enjoy things like nature, art, music or maybe take solace in religion is you are that way inclined. Your problems seems at the moment like they are the size of Mt. Everest but only if you keep it secret and try to deal with it on your own. You admit this stuff is too much for you to handle and you are at breaking point. But coming onto boards is the first step. You could be motivated now to open your heart to your mother and your family and to your friends and to "him."

I hope this has been of some help.

God bless and have hope!