Please Help

daisy1984

Ok this odd thing to ask but maybe somebody can help me. I go out on dates we chat, they seem to be really interested so we go on another date and then another, then comes to sexy time and we do it and goes well. He kiss me goodbye txt ya later and thats cool. Then there gone! Then few weeks pass, don't hear from them and then all of sudden they txt to meet up again! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!

And this is the worst part, this happened to me loads of times, and i can't find out what im doing wrong serious i really can't! Its actually getting annoying to stage where im thinking of becoming a NUN!

Advice needed!

purplepapillon

Hi daisy1984,

There's nothing wrong with you. There are just some a**holes out there. A friend of mine is going through the same thing with guys at the minute. When they text you back a few weeks later, do you meet them or leave it completely? Cos she will meet them then. It's getting her down and her self-esteem is very low, especially after the few weeks and the second disappearance of said guy.

I have two friends who have recently started seeing two guys who are friends. They met on the same night.

Let's call her R. R is seeing H and went home with him the night she met him. She advises my other friend L, not to leave it too long with her guy, because "a guy loses interest". She said max. 2-3 weeks. Is this normal? I'm just out of a relationship, and we didn't have sex for the first month and a half. Maybe that was abnormal, but it felt right at the time.

I think this is ridiculous. Coming from a female perspective, any guy worth going out with will wait a while. If he doesn't, he is not worth my time and doesn't deserve me.

Maybe you are meeting the wrong guys OP. If it's fun you're looking for, that's fine. But from your post, you seem to want dating or a relationship. I would say to persevere, you will meet someone one day who deserves you.

Are you meeting people on the pub/club scene? Or through a club or sport?

I hope my musings were helpful

daisy1984

purplepapillon

Im actually meeting them in different places and they ask me out, i dont get it, i mean i racked my brain to think what it is, I go by the three date rule then sexy time. I think this acceptable but seriously they tell me there really interested then once in the sack they disappear after and then like a fool when they txt i go back! I no I no this is silly but I needed to know it wasnt me! But then I feel terrible for getting mixed up in them again! And im not looking for fun well i am but in a relationship fun ya no! Not fun being alone! Whats really getting to me right now is that its happening alot and not just with one or two guys its hitting about 10 and I aint a slut at all but these guys are making me feel like that! The only way around this I think is not have sexy time at all but thats like the best part sometimes! Oh am I terrible person

purplepapillon

Hey daisy,

Two things stand out.

daisy1984 wrote: »

I go by the three date rule then sexy time. I think this acceptable

Why do you think that 3 dates is a rule? Don't get me wrong, nobody wants to wait for ages, but IMHO there is no "acceptable" timeframe within which to have sex. Three dates could be three coffees lasting one hour each, in which time you don't really know him. Three dates could be lots longer than that.

There is no hard and fast rule, nor should there be. I have had ONS and enjoyed them. But if I'm in a place where that's not what I want, personally I would wait a little longer, depending on how I feel things are progressing with a guy.

daisy1984 wrote: »

I aint a slut at all but these guys are making me feel like that!

Don't let anybody make you feel like that. You have your own self-worth, confidence and esteem, and others shouldn't be able to so easily knock it.

daisy1984

when i mean the three dates its spread out over few weeks and lots of phone conversations and txts, so its not like its one after another. And I know ur right, but theres this guy ive been chatting to for bout 4 and half years online and i really like him we never met and he wants to meet now but i dont want that to happen with me and him and im serious paranoid! Im thinking of leaving and staying friends hes been around so long and we chat bout everything and i dont want to lose that. And since all this crap with guys is happening to me, im terrified being rejected again

daisybelle2008

daisy1984 wrote: »

purplepapillon
I aint a slut at all but these guys are making me feel like that! The only way around this I think is not have sexy time at all but thats like the best part sometimes! Oh am I terrible person

I agree with the other poster, if you have a good sense of self worth nobody 'can make you feel' anything negative about yourself that you don't already believe. Why do you need to tell us you ain't a 'slut'. Why is that even up for discussion?

Why are you calling yourself a 'terrible' person? I am not clear on that? Is it because you had consensual sex when you felt like it? How does that make you terrible?

If sex is so tied up with your self image and self esteem then maybe do leave it off the agenda until you feel better about yourself.

My feeling would be that none of these guys were right for you and the right relationship will happen when and if it is meant to.

Don't be so caught up on the outcome of dating. Instead of seeing this as rejection just see it as lack of compatibility and that you are being spared in some way.

Sycopat

daisy1984 wrote: »

when i mean the three dates its spread out over few weeks and lots of phone conversations and txts, so its not like its one after another. And I know ur right, but theres this guy ive been chatting to for bout 4 and half years online and i really like him we never met and he wants to meet now but i dont want that to happen with me and him and im serious paranoid! Im thinking of leaving and staying friends hes been around so long and we chat bout everything and i dont want to lose that. And since all this crap with guys is happening to me, im terrified being rejected again

Oh dear, you poor thing.

I can only tell you to try and ignore whats happened before. There's no guarantee you'll be compatible that way with this new guy anyway. And if you are, and if he's worth it, he'll be fine with waiting a while for you to clear your own head. (Although if it comes to that, I would tell you to tell him that it's because of past problems with other men. So that he realises that it's not because you're not into him.)

I'm a little concerned by the idea of the three date rule to be honest. There is no such thing. I mean, if that's a personal 'wait at least this long' thing that's fine, but it should never be a 'well they took me out three times so I better go along with it' thing.

As to 'lads lose interest'. My current gf made me wait months, and we were good friends for a while before that, and I'm marrying her. Sure lads who are only after one thing will lose interest if they don't get it, but it should be pretty obvious it was never the girl they were interested in there.

snafuk35

daisy1984 wrote: »

Ok this odd thing to ask but maybe somebody can help me. I go out on dates we chat, they seem to be really interested so we go on another date and then another, then comes to sexy time and we do it and goes well. He kiss me goodbye txt ya later and thats cool. Then there gone! Then few weeks pass, don't hear from them and then all of sudden they txt to meet up again! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!

And this is the worst part, this happened to me loads of times, and i can't find out what im doing wrong serious i really can't! Its actually getting annoying to stage where im thinking of becoming a NUN!

Advice needed!

It's just modern life today.
In the past when morals were stricter and people were more conservative, most people were virgins until they married and they married young because the real terror was pregnancy and ending up carrying the baby.
Contraception changed all that and made free love possible for the masses.
Romance and love and sex is not as idealized as it once was where you met your one true love and got married and lived happily ever after etc.
Today people can have lots and lots of casual sexual relationships without commitment. When there is guilt free sex available men have far more options.
If some men can charm a woman, persuade her to have sex and then move on to the next woman and there is no comebacks they are going to do it and not have any conscience about it whatsoever.
Unfortunately you are probably just going to have to grin and bear it meeting a string of unsuitable men until you eventually meet Mister Right who has got all the sex out of his system and is looking for something more serious.
That's just the way things are.

dellas1979

daisy1984 wrote: »

when i mean the three dates its spread out over few weeks and lots of phone conversations and txts, so its not like its one after another. And I know ur right, but theres this guy ive been chatting to for bout 4 and half years online and i really like him we never met and he wants to meet now but i dont want that to happen with me and him and im serious paranoid! Im thinking of leaving and staying friends hes been around so long and we chat bout everything and i dont want to lose that. And since all this crap with guys is happening to me, im terrified being rejected again

4 and a half years??? Why does he want to meet now? Have you questioned it? How could you talk to someone for 4.5 years and never meet?

Merkin

when i mean the three dates its spread out over few weeks and lots of phone conversations and txts, so its not like its one after another.

Have you found that these guys try and exchange sexy and/or explicit texts early on? That's normally a really clear indication in my experience that they are clearly out for the ride and not much else.

To be honest with each and every one of these guys who have done the disappearing act there has probably been very clear signs but you're evidently not looking out for them. I'm not sure where this self-imposed three-date rule is coming from either - I'd say it is doing you more harm than good insofar as you shouldn't feel you HAVE to put out after three dates if it doesn't feel right. Time and again it's been proven to you know that sleeping with someone doesn't automatically catapult you into girlfriend territory. That said, if you want to sleep with someone sooner then do it but I wouldn't do it because you are abiding by some inane rule perpetuated by ****e magazines and SATC.

And I know ur right, but theres this guy ive been chatting to for bout 4 and half years online

This is actually insane. Why on earth would you waste time on someone you haven't even met? Someone not even balls enough to come out from behind their laptop screen and actually have the decency to meet with you.

NEXT!!!

From the above, I'd say you are very evidently wasting time on non-starters. Are you online dating? If so come off the sites for now and give yourself a break, those sites are full of socially retarded fcukwits who are just out for the ride and/or feel compelled to punish women for all the rejection they faced in their teens and 20s and now feel it's payback time. OK ok, a generalisation maybe but as a veteran of online dating I can surmise that there are a lot of numpties on there. I decided to give it a break and in doing so met my gorgeous and amazing OH, we're now married....go figure.

I think it was Einstein who defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I am not for one moment suggesting you are insane merely pointing out that what you are currently doing is not working for you so I would change what you're doing - that means getting rid of the dead wood. Don't reply to any of these toxic numpties who come sniffing back for seconds and don't give any more air time to someone so spineless that they can't bring themselves to meet you in four and a half years. Stop with the online dating. Stop sleeping with people after three dates. And stop allowing other people to make you feel like **** - hang on to your self-repect and self-confidence woman, you're worth so much more than that and because of that I'd take some time out for now to decide what it is you really want. With a bit of time out you'll get some clarity of thought and stop making the same mistakes.

Hope it works out for you!