Family issues and my brother

Vodkat

I'm not sure exactly what forum this issue goes in so mods feel free to place appropriately.

Ok, where to begin. I live at home with my 24 year old brother, Mother and father. My brother is tearing our already dysfunctional family apart. For example... He took my mothers car, with her permission, to go and see his GF who lives only a short 10 minute drive. He has no license or insurance on her car. He lied about where he was going, he actually was going into Galway city centre to the cinema. I told mum where he was, so she texted him saying he lied and that he is not allowed to drive the car into town. His response was ''Shut the F up, its only to the cinema'', mum replied and said that he was to come home, that was 4 hours ago and he only just arrived in the door. Our mum has MS and her condition isnt the best, she went to bed upset after he txt. I told dad what was going on when he came home from work and asked him to speak to my brother. He tried but my bro just stormed down the hall and into his room. This might not seem a big deal to anyone else but its a build up of many things that is destroying our family. He is 24, earns a wage of above 500 a week and contributes nothing to the house. His meals are cooked for him when he comes home from work, mum does all his washing and he gives her nothing. He cant even put a plate in the dish washer. He is so disrespectful. She doesnt want to kick him out but he has to learn to stand on his own two feet. If I could decide what was right for him I would send him to Australia, where he could learn to grow up.

purplepapillon

Hi Vodkat,

That sounds like a terrible situation. Your brother is old enough to behave more appropriately with respect for people, especially his parents. I wouldn't expect that of a 17 year old. Saying that, my brother was a bit like that when he was younger (late teens/early 20s) always getting in trouble, didn't know what he was doing. He was fired from his job and unemployed for about a year. He did absolutely nothing around the house or anything for anyone else, just left a mess behind him. He would have acted out f**ing and blinding at my parents as a teen, but not as an adult. My parents were always on at him to decide what to do with his life in terms of employment but also in general education etc. Then one day they sat him down and said he had 3 months to decide what he wanted to do about work/education and behave more appropriately around the house (cleaning up after himself and pitching in and so on) or else he was out.

It sounds harsh, but it worked, thankfully.

I think your parents need to set some guidelines, such as saying that your mother's car is her property and he cannot take it till he gets a licence and pays for insurance and even then, with her permission. Behaving in such a disrespectful way to parents or anyone close to you is horrible. He really needs a wake-up call to see that. They should ask him for rent, as most people earning and living in their parents' house would be paying, as well as contibuting to household tasks, cooking, groceries.

It depends on your relationship with him, but maybe a chat could be worthwhile, so you could show him that he is having such a negative effect on others and creating needless stress.

Best of luck!

LegacyUser

Excuse me for being harsh here but why the f*** is your mother doing things for him? She has MS and you admitted she is not doing well. She needs to rest and not have added stress because this will worsen her condition. Reading what you wrote about your brother's behaviour almost made my blood boil. He is very inconsiderate and rude. I would be more upset at your father for allowing this behaviour to happen. Your mother too needs to set guidelines and ask for respect but considering what she is going through medically she may not have the strength so essentially your father has to do it for her. He can DEMAND your brother to contribute to the household and make a rota on who cooks and who cleans based on your mother's health. If she is well enough to do things and enjoys doing them than have the decency and consideration to pay her for it. He is not a needy dependent child anymore, he is a grown adult ffs.

I agree with the other poster, give him a timeline to shape up. I wouldn't be as generous on giving him three months though. One month and that is it! Your brother works for Christ sake and makes a good wage and not unemployed. I don't think it is being harsh at all it's quite fair to be honest. I think sending him off to another country may help him grow up a little but it may not necessarily change the way he behaves and speaks to his parents. My God, I remembered the time when my brother told our mammy to feck off. My mother didn't even have to say anything, my father took care of it immediately. That was the first and last time my bro ever spoke to her like that . We are around the same age and we were not told to pay rent. We did automatically along with doing our own laundering and cleaning. The only thing our mammy does for us is cook because she loves doing it and we even give her a little something for it.

My goodness it is one thing being a moody hormonal teenager and telling your parents to leave you alone but at 24 years of age to act and speak that way? My god I am embarassed for your brother.

daisybelle2008

Vodkat wrote: »

he has to learn to stand on his own two feet. If I could decide what was right for him I would send him to Australia, where he could learn to grow up.

Your brother treats your parents exactly the way they allow him to. Your brother is not the sole problem here. If your mother thinks it is a good idea to give her car to someone with no license or insurance, well then I think she has her own issues. Who pays if he kills someone on the road.

If they want to cook, clean and wash up after him that really is their business not yours. If they let him live there for free, of course he is going to do that.

Your mother clearly does not want him to stand on his own to feet. If she did she would not be molly coddling him.

These situations are never as black and white as they seem OP. A lot of times the parents (esp the mothers) like the dependency of their adult children and actively encourage it by doing everything but wiping their arse. So you wanting him to grow up is one thing, does your mother?

It is easy to see your brother as the baddie, but I would butt out and don't frustrate yourself with their dysfunctional dynamic. It honestly is none of your business and everybody will be pissed off with you for interfering in their roles.

snafuk35

Vodkat wrote: »

I'm not sure exactly what forum this issue goes in so mods feel free to place appropriately.

Ok, where to begin. I live at home with my 24 year old brother, Mother and father. My brother is tearing our already dysfunctional family apart. For example... He took my mothers car, with her permission, to go and see his GF who lives only a short 10 minute drive. He has no license or insurance on her car. He lied about where he was going, he actually was going into Galway city centre to the cinema. I told mum where he was, so she texted him saying he lied and that he is not allowed to drive the car into town. His response was ''Shut the F up, its only to the cinema'', mum replied and said that he was to come home, that was 4 hours ago and he only just arrived in the door. Our mum has MS and her condition isnt the best, she went to bed upset after he txt. I told dad what was going on when he came home from work and asked him to speak to my brother. He tried but my bro just stormed down the hall and into his room. This might not seem a big deal to anyone else but its a build up of many things that is destroying our family. He is 24, earns a wage of above 500 a week and contributes nothing to the house. His meals are cooked for him when he comes home from work, mum does all his washing and he gives her nothing. He cant even put a plate in the dish washer. He is so disrespectful. She doesnt want to kick him out but he has to learn to stand on his own two feet. If I could decide what was right for him I would send him to Australia, where he could learn to grow up.

Your brother should be told to get the hell out and find his own place.
500 euro a week is plenty to pay rent and he can look after himself. If he acts the way he is acting at home he is going to get a right land if he has to share with strangers which should smarten him up pronto.
He needs a boot in his big lazy behind!