Lost and confused

chinesedoll

This is my first post here, posted specifically because I need objective advice.

At the beginning of May I met a very nice man. We went on several dates and agreed to go out as we got on so well. It was everything I wanted in a relationship and for several weeks we were ridiculously happy. Not without the odd spat, I know the beginning is always referred to as the honeymoon period, but I did think we were both going at the same pace and being honest with each other. I met his friends, he met mine, he met my mother, I met his parents, we had a great time together. I was in London for 2 weeks and he came over for a few days. We had a great time, went out to the theatre and for dinner, to the amusement park. He seemed kind and considerate, picked me up from the airport after a full day of work. Seemed committed and happy and loving.

While in London we...consummated I suppose. And the remaining time in London was wonderful and he left first, and then I came home and he picked me up from the airport. Then a few days later, the next time we met (texting lots in between, everything great) he seemed less touchy feely. A little distant without being mean or rude. A few times out with his friends later, and we finally discuss things.

He says that he thought he could have a normal relationship but he got freaked out by the intimacy of it, and he is bipolar and his parents used to hit him as a child so he doesn't like being touched but he wanted to try because he hoped he could. He didn't think it would work, he thought I would become bitter towards him a few months down the line because he didn't like touching. He said sorry for hurting me. He had tears in his eyes when I left.

Now, I am not usually a stupid person, I am a kind person and I took someone at their word because what reason did I have not to? All his friends were lovely to me and told me how happy he seemed while he was with me. While he matches bang on the symptoms of bipolar, I am left lost and confused. I was wonderfully happy and I genuinely don't know whether someone can be so,so,so good a liar, that he can fool his friends and my friends and me, tell everyone how happy he is with me and how pretty he thinks I am. He seemed very happy to hold hands and kiss and do all that stuff and there was no pressure at all for anything else.

If it was all nonsense, how can anyone be so cruel? And change so quickly? If it had been right after the intimacy it would make more sense, but it was a while after and it was a complete 180.

I suspect people are going to tell me that is what I deserve for being stupid and trusting and perhaps it is. Perhaps from an outsiders point of view it is perfectly obvious that none of it was real, but I just cannot believe anyone could be that good a liar. I see how he takes care of his sister and his mother, how good he is to his friends. I would just like some opinions on this matter please, because I am angry and hurt and have lost faith in my own judgement.

P. Breathnach

It doesn't look to me as if he was being intentionally cruel, and I don't see that he was lying to you. The story that you tell us about him seems to me entirely believable. Further, you should not retrospectively doubt your own judgement of character: a bipolar person (pretty well by definition) can change in character depending on where he is within himself.

It is a condition that can be greatly helped by medical management, but how well it can be helped can vary from one person to another.

It's a big ask to take on a bipolar person where the condition can be managed only to a limited extent. Might he be worth that to you?

Lorna123

This is hard to understand. All I can think of is that he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship and that now that you have been intimate he feels it has brought the relationship to a different level. He was happy to fool around for the Summer, but didn't want anything more. That is all I can think of OP, I really don't understand it.

chinesedoll

He would have been worth it to me if he had been willing to try. I saw a good, caring person who I love. I am a strong person and not afraid of the different issues we would have had to face, as my own life has had some fairly challenging experiences and am not afraid to stick things out and be there for someone, or leave them their space, depending on what is needed. I just need to know what is needed. With someone who is bipolar, how do you know "who" they are? Are all the different moods them?

But rather than leaving me for over a week wondering what was going on, if he had told me about being bipolar earlier, it would have made sense to me. Whereas instead here was someone who handed me everything I ever wanted, made me happier in 6 weeks than I was in 6 years with someone else, made me believe he wanted it too, and then took it all away again. I cannot find it in my heart to direct anger at him, because I just feel too bad for him, and I am not that kind of person. I am angry that he didn't tell me sooner.

Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it greatly. All I can do now is take time for myself and get my own head together. It was a bit humiliating after he met all my friends and my mother and everyone saw how happy we were. I now in a few hours have to face a very good friends wedding alone, and a lot of people were looking forward to meeting him. I am just going to say it didn't work, and leave it at that.

chinesedoll

Perhaps. I just have a hard time believing that anyone could fake that well. I just can't believe that. Either way, I guess it is over now. Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it a lot.

P. Breathnach

chinesedoll wrote: »

He would have been worth it to me if he had been willing to try....

I imagine that he held back on telling you about his condition because he was hoping he could cope with it - a bit of a desperate hope, I'm sure, but he might also have been afraid of scaring you off. Give him a pass on that for the moment.

chinesedoll wrote: »

...He didn't think it would work, he thought I would become bitter towards him a few months down the line because he didn't like touching....

I have taken this out of its context, because it might merit more attention. Did he perhaps call a halt to things because he thought his condition might create a difficulty that you could not live with? Was he possibly right about that?

I'm wondering if, but not going so far as suggesting that, you should contact him and say that you and he should talk some more.

Lorna123

I met a guy one time OP and we dated for one whole year. He wined me and dined me, bought me flowers and chocolates on every single date. He kept on telling that he was mad about me and he acted like he was too and then one day I didn't hear from him which I thought was a bit unusual as he used to be in touch every single day, so I left it until the next day and still no word. So then I got an e-mail to say that he wanted to end it, with no explanation. I then phoned him because I couldn't believe it and all I got was "did you not get my e-mail". There was no meeting up to explain anything, and nothing more to this very day. Talk about being gobsmacked, well I can tell you I was so shocked. I discovered about 2 weeks later that he was going on holidays with another woman. So this must have been going on for some time, but there was never any hint of it to me. So who knows what is going on behind your b/f's decision. It is all very weird, but at least you were only with him for 6 weeks.

daisybelle2008

chinesedoll wrote: »

He would have been worth it to me if he had been willing to try. I saw a good, caring person who I love.

I am a strong person .

You don't really know somebody after 6 weeks, (two of which you were away?). You got to know about his issues as time went on, so this image you have of him being 'a good, caring person you love'
is you jumping the gun a bit. Love really???

I am sure nobody at the wedding will give a jot if he is there or not. Sure you only knew him a wet week yourself, why would complete strangers be bothered if he is there or not.

To be honest it is not really his fault that you took the 'relationship' so seriously. It is up to you to protect your feelings and keep things casual. All this talk of him 'taking it all away'. Really there was nothing to take away. It only feels like that because you had taken it so seriously.

When you say you 'consummated I suppose', what exactly to you mean? Was there issues with this?

Probably best to move on as best you can. Best he was honest about how he feels, as you are feeling so much negativity I would say limit contact.

I'd say you have been spared a lot of heartache. I know you say you are a strong person but handling a realtionship with someone bi-polar is not straight forward.

snafuk35

chinesedoll wrote: »

This is my first post here, posted specifically because I need objective advice.

At the beginning of May I met a very nice man. We went on several dates and agreed to go out as we got on so well. It was everything I wanted in a relationship and for several weeks we were ridiculously happy. Not without the odd spat, I know the beginning is always referred to as the honeymoon period, but I did think we were both going at the same pace and being honest with each other. I met his friends, he met mine, he met my mother, I met his parents, we had a great time together. I was in London for 2 weeks and he came over for a few days. We had a great time, went out to the theatre and for dinner, to the amusement park. He seemed kind and considerate, picked me up from the airport after a full day of work. Seemed committed and happy and loving.

While in London we...consummated I suppose. And the remaining time in London was wonderful and he left first, and then I came home and he picked me up from the airport. Then a few days later, the next time we met (texting lots in between, everything great) he seemed less touchy feely. A little distant without being mean or rude. A few times out with his friends later, and we finally discuss things.

He says that he thought he could have a normal relationship but he got freaked out by the intimacy of it, and he is bipolar and his parents used to hit him as a child so he doesn't like being touched but he wanted to try because he hoped he could. He didn't think it would work, he thought I would become bitter towards him a few months down the line because he didn't like touching. He said sorry for hurting me. He had tears in his eyes when I left.

Now, I am not usually a stupid person, I am a kind person and I took someone at their word because what reason did I have not to? All his friends were lovely to me and told me how happy he seemed while he was with me. While he matches bang on the symptoms of bipolar, I am left lost and confused. I was wonderfully happy and I genuinely don't know whether someone can be so,so,so good a liar, that he can fool his friends and my friends and me, tell everyone how happy he is with me and how pretty he thinks I am. He seemed very happy to hold hands and kiss and do all that stuff and there was no pressure at all for anything else.

If it was all nonsense, how can anyone be so cruel? And change so quickly? If it had been right after the intimacy it would make more sense, but it was a while after and it was a complete 180.

I suspect people are going to tell me that is what I deserve for being stupid and trusting and perhaps it is. Perhaps from an outsiders point of view it is perfectly obvious that none of it was real, but I just cannot believe anyone could be that good a liar. I see how he takes care of his sister and his mother, how good he is to his friends. I would just like some opinions on this matter please, because I am angry and hurt and have lost faith in my own judgement.

He was honest with you when he realized he didn't feel the same way.
He didn't cheat on you - he just swept you off your feet and probably let you sweep him off his feet.
But sometimes in the cold light of day, the romance is just a fantasy and he just snapped out of it and was man enough to tell you.
He didn't do anything wrong except give you a good time.
You didn't do anything wrong except fall in love like any young woman would when she meets a nice guy.
Put it behind you and you will meet someone else.

chinesedoll

Perhaps he did think it would scare me off, but I think if that was the case he would have been willing to discuss it or give it time to get to know each other more.

chinesedoll

What I knew about him I loved. I am not saying I was going to marry him and have kids with him, I am saying that I found someone I wanted to get to know more and have an adult relationship with. I'm 26, not 16. We both established that we were looking to start a relationship, not a casual fling, in fact he was the one who said this, not me.

I was very honest with him I never see a point in lying, I told him if there was something he wasn't happy with that all he had to do was say it. I was not taking things any more seriously then he was, I was attempting to be very careful to make sure we were both on the same page for this exact reason.

I don't think any relationship is straightforward, it is a case of how much effort you put in and whether you are willing to be honest or not.

chinesedoll

I have every intention of putting it behind me and moving on, but no, he didn't give me a good time. He did teach me a lesson though.

Piliger

Hi OP. My reading of the situation that this is a guy who clearly has issues. He has issues and though he felt he could get past them with you, he changed his mind for some reason that is far far too personal for you or us to understand without him sitting us down for an hour and recanting his whole life - which is more than likely a very very painful prospect for him.

The thing is. It doesn't matter. We cannot always expect to have a comprehensive understand of why other people behave, why they don't like us, why they fall for us, why they drop us. Sometimes we just have to accept the fact that they have made what obviously is, in this case, an extremely difficult decision - and that is the way it is.

It strikes me he had no intention of hurting you and has tried to end it in a fair way.

Just strike it up to experience. I don't believe there is a lesson to be learned, except that people are complex, and sometimes are damaged by their life's experience.

chinesedoll

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

I am sure nobody at the wedding will give a jot if he is there or not. Sure you only knew him a wet week yourself, why would complete strangers be bothered if he is there or not.

.

The reason I am upset about him backing out of coming with me to the wedding is because he usually goes surfing every year with his friends, for his best friends birthday. The wedding fell during this time. He said again and again that he was going to come with me, he was going to miss the surf trip, I booked a separate place for us to stay because there was no space left in the house my friends and I had rented. He said he wasn't going to let me go alone, he was delighted to come with me, and I checked so many times making sure he knew it wouldn't bother me if he didn't come. He was so so so sure he was coming and was happy about it and all this.

chinesedoll

Piliger, you are correct I think. That is the way it is, and I don't think I can understand it, no matter how hard I try. It wasn't a pleasant situation to be in, and regardless of how long or how short a time I knew him, and you can know people for years without really knowing them, I was in a situation in which I was very happy, thought someone else was too, and it changed and that made me sad. I appreciate the perspectives and advice from everyone here.

snafuk35

chinesedoll wrote: »

I have every intention of putting it behind me and moving on, but no, he didn't give me a good time. He did teach me a lesson though.

Fair enough but what lesson was that OP?

If it was all nonsense, how can anyone be so cruel? And change so quickly? If it had been right after the intimacy it would make more sense, but it was a while after and it was a complete 180.

I think you are only seeing things from how the impact you.
The guy tried having a relationship and then changed his mind.
He is allowed to and he told you it wasn't working.
That's not cruel. That's just normal and a mature thing to do.
To be honest you come across as very clingy and needy.
You have to accept that some people you thought you could depend on can be confused and make major decisions and suddenly have second thoughts.
It's what happens in life and you just have suck it up and deal with it and not let it destroy your fate in people.
This guy wasn't cruel. He was decent enough to tell you the truth when he should have.

chinesedoll

snafuk35 wrote: »

Fair enough but what lesson was that OP?



I think you are only seeing things from how the impact you.
The guy tried having a relationship and then changed his mind.
He is allowed to and he told you it wasn't working.
That's not cruel. That's just normal and a mature thing to do.
To be honest you come across as very clingy and needy.
You have to accept that some people you thought you could depend on can be confused and make major decisions and suddenly have second thoughts.
It's what happens in life and you just have suck it up and deal with it and not let it destroy your fate in people.
This guy wasn't cruel. He was decent enough to tell you the truth when he should have.

I did say that "if it was all nonsense" it would have been a very cruel thing to do. Part of my wondering was whether it was real or pretend. It doesn't really impact anything, I suppose.

I understand he is allowed to change his mind, but he had so many opportunities to be honest and tell me he didn't think it was working and he just left it. I don't think it is clingy and needy to have wanted things to continue and see how they go, and to be sad that they didn't. I asked for other peoples opinions because there were many contradictory things that didn't make sense to me, and as you said, perhaps I only see it from my perspective.

People change their minds all the time, and have every right to do so, but usually for a reason or because something has occurred to change their opinion. It was a very, very quick change in behavior and so I was surprised.

I have learned that just because I know what I want, and am always honest, it doesn't mean that other people can or will be as well. I have learned that sometimes no matter how hard I try to understand some things I just can't. I am well aware that some people you think you can depend on you can't and that people can change their minds on things, but I don't think you will find many people who enjoy it when that happens. Of course I am going to suck it up and get on with it, what else could I or anyone else do? I am not going to die just because I got dumped, although I reserve the right to be sad about it.

Thank you for your input on the matter, I appreciate it.

Lorna123

Sometimes people can go along with the dating game for a while and pretend everything is going well. They don't have the courage to disillusion the other party.

Also, OP some guys unfortunately like the conquest of getting a girl into bed and when they have achieved that they disappear. They can be all over you and let you think that you are special when all the time they are grooming you for the sex. Now I know that this might seem a bit far fetched in this day and age but still, it does go on. Funny that it was only after you consummated this liaison that things cooled off. So it would mean that it is not that he didn't find you attractive but that he was in it for the chase and now the chase is over for him. Sorry if this sounds cruel OP and I know you did not sleep with him too early or any of that but the truth is that he just wasn't that into you, hard and all as that may seem.

You are you OP and you are the best you can be so there will be someone else around the corner that will appreciate you for what you are. So don't give this guy a second thought or try to understand him any further. He wasn't what you thought he was, what you had built up about him in your head and now you are rightfully disappointed. Anyone would be, but just let it go, put it down to experience and you will be the better person because of it. You will never know what went on in his head and you will drive yourself demented trying to analyze this. It is enough to know that he doesn't want a relationship with you and you are worth more than doing your head in trying to read any more into it.