End of marriage due to new Boyfriend

rider

Im not really sure where to start but I'll cover the basics and I can expand on areas as needed.

Basically, I have always been a closet gay boy but never having the guts to actually come out I made the awful mistake of finding a girl, falling in love and getting married. All with a view to making myself straight. No surprises, it didn't work and I just caused us both a world of misery. Early on in what turned out to be our 7 year relationship we had a beautiful healthy son who is now at school age.
During our time together I realised more and more that the whole gay thing was never going away and needed to be addressed. We had a conversation in which I came out to her about 2 years ago but agreed to try to make things work for the sake of the child.
Unsurprisingly (yet again) the straight relationship ran its course and we have agreed to amicably separate, which we are now in the process of doing.

Whilst I understand the above is slightly complicated and uncommon I am not the first person this has happened to. What makes it more complicated is the fact the separation has been brought about due to the fact that I have met and developed very strong feelings a younger man.

I am 29 and he is 21 and there is an obvious age difference there which he says he accepts and dosn't have a problem with. He also says he accepts the baggage I will invariably carry along the rest of my life. I however cannot accept that he accepts this as it just seems to be too much to ask of anyone. Am I being over worried?

What are your thoughts on the whole situation??

I would really appreciate your honest comments.

Thank you

Annasopra

I think you are worrying too much.

floggg

mango salsa wrote: »

I think you are worrying too much.

+ 1.

I could well be wrong here, but I sold hazard a guess that you are having a few issues with shame and guilt etc, between your marriage ending and dealing with your heretofore sexuality?

In which case you might not necessarily feel worthy of this new relationship?

If so, you should stop beating yourself up about it and embrace the new relationship and enjoy. You've certainly nothing to be ashamed of - there is nothing whatsoever wrong with being gay.

And by the sounds of things you tried your best with your wife and have been as considerate of her as possible. I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about there. Marriages break up for lots of reasons but you did your best by her and that's all you can do.

old hippy

Everyone has baggage and if two people care for each other, the baggage becomes lighter and lighter.

The age difference is no big thing. My wife is 7 years older than me and accepts my "baggage" as I accept hers

Stop worrying and start living life again.

Beruthiel

rider wrote: »

I however cannot accept that he accepts this as it just seems to be too much to ask of anyone.

I separated from my first hubby when my daughter was seven.
My present hubby (who's 8 years younger than me) had no problem with my baggage and gets on great with my daughter.
Relax rider.
Enjoy your new relationship and just be happy for now.
Stop over thinking things and just take it as it comes.

Captain Graphite

rider wrote: »

I am 29 and he is 21 and there is an obvious age difference there which he says he accepts and dosn't have a problem with. He also says he accepts the baggage I will invariably carry along the rest of my life. I however cannot accept that he accepts this as it just seems to be too much to ask of anyone. Am I being over worried?

What are your thoughts on the whole situation??

I would really appreciate your honest comments.

Thank you

I can only speak from my own experience (before anyone accuses me of generalising or anything) but it's clear to me that some younger guys are quite emotionally immature and don't really know what they want when they're 21, or else just don't realise what a relationship actually entails. So I'd disagree with others here saying you're worrying too much. I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to be concerned. Maybe he's different, and I'm not saying you should dump the guy or anything, but I'd suggest that you don't get too emotionally involved with him for a long time and don't be surprised if he changes his mind all of a sudden about your past (and your son) not being an issue for him.

I'm 22 and I come with a different sort of baggage in that I suffer with depression and mental health problems that can sometimes get a bit much to deal with. Anyway, I've been in two serious-ish relationships so far with guys my own age, so we are talking 20-21 years old here.
On both occasions I was the one who was approached and asked out. On both occasions I was honest about my problems and gave them plenty of time to run before things got serious. On both occasions I was told that my past or my problems weren't issues, that they "loved" me and that I was a wonderful person blah blah blah......
.....and, predictably, on both occasions I got dumped out of the blue (and right before my birthday, two years in a row!) because all of a sudden, after months of what I thought was a good relationship and being reassured how much I was "loved", they just changed their mind and decided someone who needed a little help sometimes wasn't worth being in a relationship with. :rolleyes::(

Again that's just my own experience, and it's probably made me a lot more cynical and untrusting than most people. But it has opened my eyes to how immature and selfish guys can be, and maybe their age wasn't a factor but I strongly suspect that it may have had something do with it*. I do think you should tread carefully and be on the lookout for signs that he might start getting bored. By all means keep seeing him if you like him, and as Beruthiel said "take it as it comes"....just don't let it come too quickly.

*of course I was/am that age too, so I'm sure I made mistakes somewhere along the way too, even though I always strived to be as good a boyfriend as I could possibly be

Rick_

Sorry to hear about the way you have been treated Captain, sadly, a lot of gay guys are very shallow and immature, regardless of their age.

To the OP, as people say, age is a number (it's not, it's a word!) and if both of you enjoy each others company and feel it could work, then more power to you and best of luck. I do think you are worrying a bit too much about it, and like others have said, just keep an eye out for signs that he may not be as sincere as he seems. He may eventually want to get out as it's too much, he may not. Just enjoy being with him for now and deal with anything if and when it ever arises.

Rothmans

Captain Graphite wrote: »

I can only speak from my own experience (before anyone accuses me of generalising or anything) but it's clear to me that some younger guys are quite emotionally immature and don't really know what they want when they're 21, or else just don't realise what a relationship actually entails. So I'd disagree with others here saying you're worrying too much. I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to be concerned. Maybe he's different, and I'm not saying you should dump the guy or anything, but I'd suggest that you don't get too emotionally involved with him for a long time and don't be surprised if he changes his mind all of a sudden about your past (and your son) not being an issue for him.

I'm 22 and I come with a different sort of baggage in that I suffer with depression and mental health problems that can sometimes get a bit much to deal with. Anyway, I've been in two serious-ish relationships so far with guys my own age, so we are talking 20-21 years old here.
On both occasions I was the one who was approached and asked out. On both occasions I was honest about my problems and gave them plenty of time to run before things got serious. On both occasions I was told that my past or my problems weren't issues, that they "loved" me and that I was a wonderful person blah blah blah......
.....and, predictably, on both occasions I got dumped out of the blue (and right before my birthday, two years in a row!) because all of a sudden, after months of what I thought was a good relationship and being reassured how much I was "loved", they just changed their mind and decided someone who needed a little help sometimes wasn't worth being in a relationship with. :rolleyes::(

Again that's just my own experience, and it's probably made me a lot more cynical and untrusting than most people. But it has opened my eyes to how immature and selfish guys can be, and maybe their age wasn't a factor but I strongly suspect that it may have had something do with it*. I do think you should tread carefully and be on the lookout for signs that he might start getting bored. By all means keep seeing him if you like him, and as Beruthiel said "take it as it comes"....just don't let it come too quickly.

*of course I was/am that age too, so I'm sure I made mistakes somewhere along the way too, even though I always strived to be as good a boyfriend as I could possibly be

I agree with Captain Graphite. Similar thing happened to me ( although I didn't have any 'baggage', so to speak). Maybe its because its the first time that young gay lads experience serious relationships ( ie delayed due to being in the closet), but there definitely is a certain element of immaturity there among that age group (I'm in the same age group myself btw).

My last relationship ended completely out of the blue, it was going great then I just got a text saying 'Its over', no explanation or anything, haven't seen or heard from him since.

The upside for me was that I was so shocked and angered about what he did that I didn't feel upset, a sense of loss or any hint of the blues at all. I much prefer anger to the blues anyway :P

What I'm trying to say is that this isn't really something you can guard against, so be prepared, as it may happen.

Although, in saying that, none of us know this guy, and he could be wise beyond is years . . .

pontia

you marry a girl and have a kid .grow tired of using them to cover up your gay,then you worry how your toyboy may feel ? your very lucky thats not my sister

baby and crumble

pontia wrote: »

you marry a girl and have a kid .grow tired of using them to cover up your gay,then you worry how your toyboy may feel ? your very lucky thats not my sister

Less of the aggression please. Read the charter before posting here again.

foggy_lad

rider wrote: »

What are your thoughts on the whole situation??

I would really appreciate your honest comments.

Thank you

If you want someone to love and settle down with then find someone with some maturity, If you want a Fcuk buddy you probably got one.

Annasopra

Folks
Pontia has been yellow carded for being agressive
Foggy lad has been red carded for giving completely unhelpful advice

Please keep comments on this thread to helpful advice

As always if you have any comments or feedback on moderation send me a PM

1ZRed

foggy_lad wrote: »

rider wrote: »

What are your thoughts on the whole situation??

I would really appreciate your honest comments.

Thank you

If you want someone to love and settle down with then find someone with some maturity, If you want a Fcuk buddy you probably got one.

You only know as much as the OP has told you about his boyfriend and his situation so it's not the full picture. It's easy to make assumptions and generalisations about him because of his age and the age gap between them both.

I've seen relationships with a 10 year age gap work a few times and even one with a 20 year difference. If a realtionship works, it works regardless of any other facter like age.
We don't know his boyfriend and he could be serious and different to how a normal 21 yo is perceived to be like (somebody has to go against the grain you know). I'd say just let it play out.
If all it was was being fuk buddies, then that will all fall apart soon enough, if it hasn't already.

Just do what you like OP. He says he accepts it so why not go along with it if you're happy?

gcgirl

Just live in the moment enjoy your life, there's no point thinking about the past or fretting about the future, just live your life

soap1978

I dont feel sorry for u,what about the poor man and child u mess around,i think u r a very selfish person and dont deserve to be happen with anyone after having a child to try to make u not gay.Sorry if it sounds bad,but this happen a friend off my with 2 kids and it ruined him and the kids.

old hippy

soap1978 wrote: »

I dont feel sorry for u,what about the poor man and child u mess around,i think u r a very selfish person and dont deserve to be happen with anyone after having a child to try to make u not gay.Sorry if it sounds bad,but this happen a friend off my with 2 kids and it ruined him and the kids.

So, not biased at all, then? :rolleyes:

It happens, people fall in and out of love everyday and people are hurt. Then people get over it and life goes on. You must realise that some people can struggle with not being true to themselves and its not a decision taken lightly.

1ZRed

soap1978 wrote: »

I dont feel sorry for u,what about the poor man and child u mess around,i think u r a very selfish person and dont deserve to be happen with anyone after having a child to try to make u not gay.Sorry if it sounds bad,but this happen a friend off my with 2 kids and it ruined him and the kids.

I think the OP fully realises the situation and is trying to do the best thing for his boyfriend by not weighing him down with a relationship. I think that's a very selfless thing to do considering he really likes him and is willing to give that up to see his boyfriend have a potentially easier relationship with somebody else.

I think you're reading way too much into this and honestly, being very harsh and spiteful in that post just because it happened to a friend. It doesn't make it a 'one size fits all' generalisation just because the circumstances might have been similar.

Annasopra

soap1978 wrote: »

I dont feel sorry for u,what about the poor man and child u mess around,i think u r a very selfish person and dont deserve to be happen with anyone after having a child to try to make u not gay.Sorry if it sounds bad,but this happen a friend off my with 2 kids and it ruined him and the kids.

and another infraction. Seriously folks quit the judgementalism

ninty9er

I've recently befriended a gay couple with an 11 year age difference. It's certainly an example of age not determining maturity. They've been together a number of years and are quite happy together.

If this guy cares about you and you care about him, so long as you're both considerate of your wife and son I think it's a case of you can cross any other bridges when you come to them.

rider

Thank you all for your advice, it is greatly appreciated.

Firstly to address those who believe 'I married a girl and had a kid' to cover being gay this is simply not true. I met a girl when I was alot younger and we were great friends. She asked me out - nothing is written in black and white and I went with the flow. We got on great in every way including sexually at the start. We conceived a child (inadvertently but these things happen). At this point I realized that I was now no longer the only person I needed to be concerned about and my child would come first. The relationship continued despite my inner self telling me I was gay. It felt like the right thing to do at the time but I do know now the right thing would have been to come clean at this point and support the child in every other way I could. Up until about 2 years ago the pressure and depression inside me kept building and I just had to tell her. She was devastated but we agreed together we would give the relationship another go for the sake of the child. The last few months the same feelings have been building I knew this was never going to work - we were kidding ourselves.

I met this younger guy and when I realised that I had feelings for him and he seemingly for me I immediately told her in no uncertain terms I AM GAY! I explained the relationship we enjoyed will always be special to me and we will continue to share a future in our childs life. Although our relationship will change it will not end. She understands this and has been supportive.

My concern is at the end of the day I left a life which alot of people would love to have. I have tortured myself wondering have I done all this just for him? Or, would I have had to do this at some point? I keep telling myself if it wasn't him it would be someone else down the line and the end is inevitable. But, when you pack your life into boxes and look at everything you have done together it does not come easy.

We my boyfriend and I are together it is perfect. I feel like I have found someone I fit perfectly with in every way (something I have never ever experienced) and he seems to feel the same. When I am away from him the guilt I feel is just unbearable at times.

I understand this sounds very selfish and selfpitying "Poor me, I have a wife a child and boyfriend who do I pick" but it is in no way like that. I know I need to stop torturing myself and worrying about things and enjoy our time however long it may be but I can't face looking at myself and just feel sick in the stomach knowing the hurt I've caused.

Thank you all again for your kind comments and support - I will take them on board and try to follow them.

R

old hippy

rider wrote: »

My concern is at the end of the day I left a life which alot of people would love to have. I have tortured myself wondering have I done all this just for him? Or, would I have had to do this at some point? I keep telling myself if it wasn't him it would be someone else down the line and the end is inevitable. But, when you pack your life into boxes and look at everything you have done together it does not come easy.



R

You did it for yourself and that's not being selfish. Quite the opposite, despite what a few knee jerk responses may claim.

You'll always love your family (ex and all) and they will support you. I'm sure of it.

ninty9er

rider wrote: »

My concern is at the end of the day I left a life which alot of people would love to have. I have tortured myself wondering have I done all this just for him? Or, would I have had to do this at some point? I keep telling myself if it wasn't him it would be someone else down the line and the end is inevitable. But, when you pack your life into boxes and look at everything you have done together it does not come easy.

He's just been a catalyst giving you the courage to do something earlier than you might otherwise have done. Don't worry about it.

It is not easy being gay in a straight marriage. Many people can never understand what it was and is like. It has a huge affect on your life everyday and leads to so many problems.
Some people will go on to be unhappy all their lives and some like the OP will make a decision to eventually come out and take off the inner burden and have a chance to live a happy life.
At the end of the day, the OP will have to ensure that he does the best by his ex and child, remain commited to his child and giving every support to his ex.
IMO it was an exceptionally difficult and brave thing to do and i wish you the best of happiness in your new future.
In the meantime... where are the support groups for the rest of us? I had been thinking about starting a thread about my own life but too concerned about all the negative feedback.

stephen_n

I for one am glad you posted again and clarified a few things, mainly around your son, as the original post didn't come off very well in that regard. Your insecurity is understandable if very unfounded in real terms. You have tried hard for a very long time to convince yourself of an untruth. Now that you are coming to terms with who you are of course there will be doubts and questions. None of us are guaranteed a future in our relationships, don't let the emerging relationship you have with yourself get confused with the one you have with your partner. If he says he loves you and acts like he says then take the risk and go with it!

Annasopra

Deleted User wrote: »

I had been thinking about starting a thread about my own life but too concerned about all the negative feedback.

Any smart comments or negative feedback are usually dealt with so please feel free to do so

Etc

The sooner we stop referring to people and life situations as baggage the better. You have a child and a wife and a previous life.

There are very few people who don't have a previous life or story, it's what makes us what we are. It's made you what you now are now.

You can't change what has happened, but you are in control of what happens tomorrow.

Respect your wife, love your child and enjoy your new life.

JH_raheny

well said;)

Etc wrote: »

The sooner we stop referring to people and life situations as baggage the better. You have a child and a wife and a previous life.

There are very few people who don't have a previous life or story, it's what makes us what we are. It's made you what you now are now.

You can't change what has happened, but you are in control of what happens tomorrow.

Respect your wife, love your child and enjoy your new life.

Beruthiel

rider wrote: »

I can't face looking at myself and just feel sick in the stomach knowing the hurt I've caused.

You have to stop that. You will ruin what you have if you don't.
I felt the same as you when I left my husband.
However, I was not happy, neither were you, you knew there was something wrong.
If you are not happy, then you cannot have a happy relationship.
You must let the guilt go with regards to your ex. Realise that you have put her in a position where she has the potential to find the partner she deserves.
It would have been dreadfully cruel of you to stay with her knowing that you are gay.
So stop guilt tripping and know that you are both now on a happier path.

rider

Thank you all for your help and advice. It is greatly appreciated.

R

old hippy

rider wrote: »

Thank you all for your help and advice. It is greatly appreciated.

R

Hey fella. Hope all's ok & things are working out?

rider

rider wrote: »

I met a girl when I was alot younger and we were great friends. She asked me out - nothing is written in black and white and I went with the flow. We got on great in every way including sexually at the start. We conceived a child (inadvertently but these things happen). At this point I realized that I was now no longer the only person I needed to be concerned about and my child would come first. The relationship continued despite my inner self telling me I was gay. It felt like the right thing to do at the time but I do know now the right thing would have been to come clean at this point and support the child in every other way I could. Up until about 2 years ago the pressure and depression inside me kept building and I just had to tell her. She was devastated

Your story reminds me of that of Brian Finnegan (editor of GCN) who was interviewed on The Last Word a few weeks ago. You should go to the podcasts on the Today FM site to find it, you'll see you're not alone.