Doesn't want to be my boyfriend

Rocket19

Hi guys! Sorry if this problem sounds a little immature, but here goes!

There's a guy I have a massive crush on. "Crush" is the only word to describe it, as it's exactly what it is! I normally feel perfectly OK talking to guys, but with this guy, I get very excited. I really like him.

He APPEARS to like me, added me on facebook, got my number, we text a LOT, is very, very forward with compliments, etc. We go on "dates", meet up when we're out, and I get just generally obvious vibes that he fancies me. He's very affectionate (holds my hand, etc), he's introduced me to his friends also. He's also called into me in work to say hi a few times (I'm working in a womens' clothes store for the summer, so it's not like he just happened to wander in there!).

HOWEVER, over this time (couple months) he made no move or gave any indication he was going to "ask me out". I kind of brought this up with him (because we really were basically acting like a couple, and I was very confused!!), and he said he really likes me, but at this age, he just doesn't want to be tied down. He's had a long-ish relationship, (and we're pretty young), so not sure if that's part of it?

Needless to say, I do feel quite used (not sure if that's the right word). Don't get why he is effing with my head like this. I'm basically in a situation where we're acting like a couple, he just won't commit to me.
Obviously he wants to play the field or something?? Or he just doesn't like me enough. But why does he invest so much of his time with me if he doesn't like me? We haven't had sex, so that can't be the reason he's sticking around, I'm giving him nothing. Not for a lack of him trying, but I made it clear that wasn't going to happen with him stringing me along like this.

What should I do? Do guys like this change their minds? Should I cut contact or something? I really, really like him, so it's hard

a fat guy

As you said, he's young and I think he's not sure what he wants.

He's scared of losing another girlfriend, but I'm sure he'd love to go out with you.

To be fair to the guy, he's using his head here at least, even if it is at your expense...

Have you told him how much you like him yet? You should, and if he still says no, then just do all in your power to see him as often as your regular friends, but no more than that.

Ickle Magoo

If he doesn't want to be in an "official" relationship and you don't want to be in a casual one then I think you need to be honest with him that you aren't happy with the status quo and ask him to put his money where is mouth is and either commit or let you move on and find someone else who will.

Rocket19 wrote:

We haven't had sex, so that can't be the reason he's sticking around, I'm giving him nothing. Not for a lack of him trying,...

He's been very honest & upfront; he doesn't want a relationship but he does want sex with you - I think he's hanging around in the hope you eventually change your mind about the sex while accepting he doesn't want a relationship.

Rocket19

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

If he doesn't want to be in an "official" relationship and you don't want to be in a casual one then I think you need to be honest with him that you aren't happy with the status quo and ask him to put his money where is mouth is and either commit or let you move on and find someone else who will.



He's been very honest & upfront; he doesn't want a relationship but he does want sex with you - I think he's hanging around in the hope you eventually change your mind about the sex while accepting he doesn't want a relationship.

Hey, thanks for replying.

Thing is though, if he's just after sex, why is he trying so hard? We spend a lot of time together. He's a handsome guy and could get one-night-stands or whatever, so I see no reason why he'd put in so much graft with me if he just wanted to sleep with me. Do you think he just likes the challenge or something? He has occasionally joked that he could "have me on a plate", which unfortunately is kind of true (if I knew he really wanted me?). Do you think he is just trying to prove to himself he can sleep with me? I'm finding it all difficult to get my head around because he is so nice.

Sorry I know you probably can't really answer these questions...guys confuse me! haha

Ickle Magoo

If you're happy to have a FWB type arrangement then go for it - but I'm not sure there is much point to convincing yourself he doesn't mean it when he says he wants sex but no relationship. I don't think he'd spend all that time in your company unless he liked you - but liking you/being attracted to you and wanting to be in an exclusive relationship with you and you alone are two completely different things.

I don't think the what if's and why's really matter - either you will only get involved as part of a relationship or you won't.

Stavro Mueller

Poor thing. I've been there so I feel your pain. It's like the attraction of a moth to a flame, isn't it?

In my experience, there's nothing as such that you can do to change his mind. I'm sure you're absolutely great but it's up to this lad to figure it out for himself. Hard and all as it is to do, I think the wisest thing to do is to make yourself less "available" to him. Don't text him any more. It'll certainly make him stop and take notice. Yes, I know that will be a very very tough thing to do if you like somebody but the hope would be that it'll clarify things for him.

Rocket19

Hi, OP again, thanks a million for the replies, guys. Starting to think maybe I'm in denial a little bit. If he liked me that much, surely I wouldnt be having this problem :L Eitherway, I guess I'm making this very easy for him. As another poster pointed out, I am very "available" to him. I'm gonna try ease off contact, and see what he does. Suppose that'd be the real test..ugh. . Unfortunately I'm really infatuated with him though. Like I actually feel smothered with feelings when I'm around him (I'm a loser :P ha). How can you just stop feeling like that?

Taltos

Something else to consider is that while he is "playing" with you like this you are effectively off the market for any other potential guys you might meet. Hardly fair on you at all now is it.

Think you definitely need to call time on it - stay friends by all means but then just do friend things and no more holding hands - no matter what he says that just sends mixed signals. Either he doesn't know what he wants or he is playing the long game here - I tend to think the latter without more evidence. As Ickle has said he has been clear he doesn't want a relationship so this type of physical closeness really only indicates one thing - sex with no strings...

Take care of yourself and don't settle...

P. Breathnach

In one sense (a sense which takes little account of your emotional turmoil) the deal is very simple: if he is prepared to give you some commitment, you are prepared to enter into a sexual relationship with him. That looks to me like a very reasonable position for you to take.

It seems that he is really into you. You don't say anything about he seeing other women, so I suppose that he is not doing so. So the core issue is his reluctance to commit (or, as you represent his views, to be "tied down").

You probably can't tell us enough for anybody to make a good call. People are too complicated to be summed up in a reasonable number of words. Possibilities include:
- He is into you, but not quite enough to rule out the possibility that he find somebody else that he would be even more attracted to;
- The ending of his last relationship was bad, and is making him very wary;
- He just gets to the commitment point very slowly (or is slow to declare it).

It might not be that he is intentionally messing with your head. He likes you and seeks you out; he is okay with some public display of affection; he makes it clear he would like sex with you. He is (brutally) honest about not wanting a relationship. What is messing with your head is that what you want is different.

What you need to figure is whether that might change. The only answer I can give is "maybe". You have to decide if it's worth the time and the emotional risk.

I am generally dubious about FWB being a good idea. I think it is a particularly bad idea if one party is heavily emotionally involved, and the other is not.

ibarelycare

Rocket19 wrote: »

Hi, OP again, thanks a million for the replies, guys. Starting to think maybe I'm in denial a little bit. If he liked me that much, surely I wouldnt be having this problem :L Eitherway, I guess I'm making this very easy for him. As another poster pointed out, I am very "available" to him. I'm gonna try ease off contact, and see what he does. Suppose that'd be the real test..ugh. . Unfortunately I'm really infatuated with him though. Like I actually feel smothered with feelings when I'm around him (I'm a loser :P ha). How can you just stop feeling like that?

Please don't do this game playing of making yourself less available. Just be mature about the whole thing and sit down and have a serious conversation with him about what you want. You might very well hear something you don't want to, but at least you will know for sure where you stand. If he still says that he definitely doesn't want a relationship with you, then you can choose to continue going as you are, or you can walk away.

Honestly, the game-playing will just wreck both your heads and is really immature.

Rocket19

ibarelycare wrote: »

Please don't do this game playing of making yourself less available. Just be mature about the whole thing and sit down and have a serious conversation with him about what you want. You might very well hear something you don't want to, but at least you will know for sure where you stand. If he still says that he definitely doesn't want a relationship with you, then you can choose to continue going as you are, or you can walk away.

Honestly, the game-playing will just wreck both your heads and is really immature.

Hi, thanks again everyone.!

I suppose you're right, I have no interest in playing games or messing around with him either, so going down the 'distant' route probably isn't the best option. Don't think I could ignore him anyway if I'm honest.

Definitely NOT getting into a FWB situation. I know I couldn't handle it, too many emotions!
Anyway, thanks, I'll talk to him. Don't REALLY want to because it leaves me open for him to reject me (again, I guess), but needs to be done. If he really doesn't want anything with me, we'll just be friends. That'll be hard for me, but there are harder things in life!

daisy1984

Luvy look if he doesnt want a relationship and you do then its time to move on. Deep down you no ur the one thats going to get hurt in all this. Yes you are mad about him but your missing out on opportunities for the right guy to come along! You need to make it clear what you want, if doesnt want the same hes not for you. In truth its hurts but thats all part of life. We all get are hearts broken but you cant dwell on it, there is love out there for everybody Best of luck luvy xx