Ex Girlfriend as a friend

LegacyUser

Two years ago, during my final year of law school, I was sitting in the student bar when this girl walked in. I instantly fell for her. After a long flirtation, we got together and it was a pretty idyllic six months. Then things started to sour - she became withdrawn and I started drinking heavily. Arguments ensued and pretty soon we broke up. Neither of us wanted it to end, so we got back together but she didn't want 'to be somebodies girlfriend' and I felt I deserved better so we ended it again.

But we were still good friends. For six months after the break up we talked on the phone every night about everything. We insulted and slagged each other, we talked about our hopes and dreams, our future and our fears. It was clear I still loved her and she told me she still loved me. She's been dating and I've been playing 'jack the lad about town'

Two nights ago, we were on the phone as usual and I bore my soul - about how I can't be her friend while I still have feelings for her and how I'm slightly bitter about her dating. I wanted ''off the hook'' and to let her go.

I hung up the phone after saying goodbye and making a little joke. both of us were laughing as I pressed the end call button. Two minutes later I got a text saying
"I love you *my full name*"

Then an hour later I got this text "Thus is a separate text to the first because youre right. I'll mess up saying goodbye. I'm sorry. I couldn't ever be what you needed. We messed up our relationship but I did the rest. I have to let you go because this isn't fair on you. I hate you goodbye"

and that was it. The girl I talked to on the phone every night for two years was gone. The girl that lit my world on fire, caused me to be happier than I had ever been and made my blood boil with fustration was gone and I was the one that wanted her gone. I thought I wanted her gone... But really I want her and what we had back.

So can you be friends with ex that you still have feelings for? Should you? Do I leave it and try win her back when she isn't dating?

snafuk35

Retroactive129 wrote: »

Two years ago, during my final year of law school, I was sitting in the student bar when this girl walked in. I instantly fell for her. After a long flirtation, we got together and it was a pretty idyllic six months. Then things started to sour - she became withdrawn and I started drinking heavily. Arguments ensued and pretty soon we broke up. Neither of us wanted it to end, so we got back together but she didn't want 'to be somebodies girlfriend' and I felt I deserved better so we ended it again.

But we were still good friends. For six months after the break up we talked on the phone every night about everything. We insulted and slagged each other, we talked about our hopes and dreams, our future and our fears. It was clear I still loved her and she told me she still loved me. She's been dating and I've been playing 'jack the lad about town'

Two nights ago, we were on the phone as usual and I bore my soul - about how I can't be her friend while I still have feelings for her and how I'm slightly bitter about her dating. I wanted ''off the hook'' and to let her go.

I hung up the phone after saying goodbye and making a little joke. both of us were laughing as I pressed the end call button. Two minutes later I got a text saying
"I love you *my full name*"

Then an hour later I got this text "Thus is a separate text to the first because youre right. I'll mess up saying goodbye. I'm sorry. I couldn't ever be what you needed. We messed up our relationship but I did the rest. I have to let you go because this isn't fair on you. I hate you goodbye"

and that was it. The girl I talked to on the phone every night for two years was gone. The girl that lit my world on fire, caused me to be happier than I had ever been and made my blood boil with fustration was gone and I was the one that wanted her gone. I thought I wanted her gone... But really I want her and what we had back.

So can you be friends with ex that you still have feelings for? Should you? Do I leave it and try win her back when she isn't dating?

You can't be friends with someone you have such strong feelings for.
You love her.
If you want to win her back then do it now.
Why wait?
Go get her.

Lorna123

Retroactive129 wrote: »

Then an hour later I got this text "Thus is a separate text to the first because youre right. I'll mess up saying goodbye. I'm sorry. I couldn't ever be what you needed. We messed up our relationship but I did the rest. I have to let you go because this isn't fair on you. I hate you goodbye"

Sorry OP but the way I read this is that while this girl really likes you she doesn't want you the way you want her. She has stated that she cannot be what you want, so this means that she knows how you feel but she cannot reciprocate those feelings. In my opinion you would be wasting your time trying to win her back because she is never going to give you what you need. What you need now is to go your own way, develop new friends and find someone who can give you what you need. Your feelings of love for your ex will fade away after a while and you will get over this but staying friends with her will not help.

retroactive

OP here. I severed all contact and havn't contacted her since but this morning I got a text from her saying I know i'm dead to you etc etc but no one else will find this funny and an "in" Joke we used to have about KPMG.

I didn't reply, but what does this mean? She's casually dating this guy whose going to China for a year next month. I'm thinking of waiting till he's gone and then taking her out.

Ellsbells

retroactive wrote: »

Should I text back?

No!!! She is seeing someone else and seems to like the attention. For your own sake don't reply.

Sonics2k

retroactive wrote: »

Should I text back?

No, let it go OP.

A few years ago, I could of said the exact same story as you just told.

We dearly loved each other, but we both knew it'd never work and had to let it go. We'd get jealous of new partners, constantly flirt and chat to the point any relationships we tried having with other people would end bitterly, as we acted like a couple.

It's time to cut this one off OP, at least for a few months, maybe years.

LegacyUser

Relationships like these are tricky, love at first sight and the ability to always keep you smiling are rare so no wonder you guys keep going back. Normally I would say leave it, relationships that are treated like yo-yo's are not healthy. Sometimes people keep going back because their in a habit not because it's actually love, either way it's hard so it's only my opinion but write three lists, sometimes it helps to organise your thoughts.. not cons and pros but
1. The reasons why you broke up? - (Are they fixed now/ have you tried to fix them)
2. What you need right now? (and do you actually love her/ do you actually want this)
3. What she needs right now? (are you willing to be what she needs)

This way at least you can look back with no regrets and say you tried. It's hard to accept that sometimes it's not what you need and it may not be worth it, like if you really wanted something you would get it, so something is obviously holding you back.

retroactive

AutumnIsn'tSummer10,

There's only one summer.

Anyway, I don’t think its tricky. It could be even pretty simple. It is pretty rare and I was so lucky to have shared stolen days in the sunshine with her – for some people love at first sight and the ability to always keep you smiling are unique life experiences.

Lists are a good idea but I think over the hundreds of hours I’ve spent talking to her, I have well and truly talked this one out.

I guess when I think about it, there is something holding me back. But isn’t lack of love, or any doubt whatsoever – I want to have no regrets, to really give it a proper shot. I want to turn up, whisk her for dinner and see her light up the way she did during those stolen days. She says she can’t be what I want, but she is.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. I hinted at Dinner plans but she's got a crazy amount social engagements and is generally busy. As romantic as I would like to be, I'm not an idiot.

Peanut2011

OP,

It is clear that you like her and that she does have some feeling for you. It is also clear that she does not want to be in a relationship and wants to be free and be able to do what she wants.

I think it is time to stop dreaming and thinking she will change so until such time when you have moved on and found someone else you devote your attention to you will never be able to e just friends.

You will waste your time "playing friends" and secretly hoping she will change her mind. By the time you realise she will never be what you want her to be it might be too late. Just accept that you had a very good time and you enjoyed it and try to move on.

Unfortunately sometimes the only way to move on is to cut all the contact. This might be your only chance as it is quite clear that you like her too much still.

Good luck!

retroactive

For the record, We got back together subsequent to me posting the OP.

Was it happily ever after? No. Not unless Happily ever after involves restraining orders.

**Closes that Chapter**

NIMAN

From personal experience, I'd also say no.

Maybe a 'friend' in that if you bumped into them you'd chat, ask how each is getting on, ask how your family is doing etc, but then part and go your separate ways again.

But not a friend in the manner of still hanging out together, still socializing together etc. That rarely works.

Chalk it down to experience and move on. As you said in your case, it didn't work.

Taltos

Thanks for the update OP. As this has been resolved (through the courts) I am going to go ahead and close this issue then to prevent further advice on an issue over a year old.

Cheers
Taltos