Boyfriend is smoking

LegacyUser

Before I begin this post, I'd just like to say that my views and opinions may seem strong to some, but it is how I feel, and I'd really appreciate if any advice given could be focused simply on the situation, and not on my own personal views. Thanks.

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. It is my first serious relationship, and I really feel that I love him. However today my mother dropped a bit of a bombshell on me - she saw him out, and he was smoking. This may not be a big problem to some, but to me it is the only thing that I would consider a "dealbreaker" in a relationship. Both my parents smoke, I've been around it all my life and I can't stand it.

The worst part about all of this is that he admitted to me a while ago that he had been smoking. He knows how much I hate it, and I felt incredibly upset at the time, and told him that I really couldn't be in a relationship with a smoker. I think he's sort of a social/drunk smoker, but the idea of it at all makes me really uncomfortable. He promised me that it wouldn't happen again, because he wouldn't want to lose me over "something as stupid as that," in his own words.

I felt bad enough at that time, but I let it go. Now I honestly don't know what to do. If my mother is to be believed, then I really don't know if I can get over this. He lied to me, and broke my promise. I feel completely betrayed.

I need to bring this up with him, because if it's true, then I really don't think I can stay in this relationship. But I don't know how to broach the topic. I'm feeling really terrible right now, which I don't think I'll be able to hide from him. I was thinking that if he asks what's wrong, I'd tell him that my mother just said something that upset me (not a lie and not hard to believe, we don't have the best relationship at times) and that I'd rather not talk about it right now. And then I was thinking that I could maybe arrange to meet him during the week to tell him about it, not in a confrontational way, just in case I've got it all wrong. Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly tempted to just let loose right now, but I know that isn't the best idea and that it could go very wrong.

Any advice is appreciated, thanks.

Piliger

HI OP. Just tell him you can smell the smoke on him. If he denies it tell him he was seen by someone. This is a major trust issue imho. It is a clear indication of how he feels about you irrespective of the disgusting habit.

a fat guy

Love is taking the good and the bad...

If you'd really break up with someone over smoking, then I really don't think that you love this guy that much.

I get how you hate smoking and all, but true love is meant to conquer all... right?

Ickle Magoo

If smoking is a deal breaker then it's a deal breaker for you OP. We all have our boundaries, our preferences and - of course - love with a partner is entirely conditional.

Is there any way you might reach a compromise? He's an adult and entitled to smoke if he wants...most people have their foibles and he certainly wouldn't be alone in only smoking when drunk or being a social smoker. While you may really hate the habit and worry about his health, ultimately the decision is his.

I think you also have to be prepared that your mother was wrong in what she saw or saw someone that just looked like him and so getting overly-upset and throwing out accusations or ultimatums might come back to bite you if it's a case of mistaken identity/someone you don't have a great relationship with messing with your head. I think you'd be better off being upfront in what's been said about him and give him the chance to defend himself.

All the best.

LegacyUser

a fat guy wrote: »

Love is taking the good and the bad...

If you'd really break up with someone over smoking, then I really don't think that you love this guy that much.

I get how you hate smoking and all, but true love is meant to conquer all... right?

Most of the issue is that he lied to be and broke a promise that he made. I forgave him the first time, and after promising that he wouldn't, he's done it again. As I said in the first post, it's my view, it may seem extreme to others but to me it's a very important issue that I feel strongly about, I don't feel that I need to justify myself.


There's been a development in the story since I first posted. We usually talk on the phone at night, so he rang me earlier. He did of course sense that something was wrong, so I did what I said I'd do in the original post, I said that my mother had said something that upset me. I then asked if we could meet up and I'd talk to him about it. I think he knew straight away what I was talking about, and eventually he asked had she seen him today. So he knows that I know, but I just told him that it wasn't something I feel comfortable talking about if it isn't face to face.

We have arrangements to meet and talk, but I really don't know what to do. As I said, I feel completely betrayed. My head is telling me that it's been a dealbreaker all along, and that he was fully aware of this fact. But at the same time I don't think I want to lose him. It's something I'll have to consider very carefully before I speak to him. If anyone has advice for this situation I'd be very grateful, even though I realise that it is my personal decision.

Piliger

icantbelieveit wrote: »

We have arrangements to meet and talk, but I really don't know what to do. As I said, I feel completely betrayed. My head is telling me that it's been a dealbreaker all along, and that he was fully aware of this fact. But at the same time I don't think I want to lose him. It's something I'll have to consider very carefully before I speak to him. If anyone has advice for this situation I'd be very grateful, even though I realise that it is my personal decision.

Yes OP. It's your decision. A partner who defies something that was agreed from the outset and is so deeply felt - that is a very bad thing. And added to that the really disgusting habit of smoking.
It's rare that I support relationships ending but I personally would walk so fast out that door if this happened to me and they persevered.

Taltos

OP - if it makes you feel any better I too walked from a relationship for the exact same thing when I was younger. It was early days in the relationship but like you I grew up surrounded by smoke. Met this person recently - still puffing like a chimney - not one regret, over my choice. They choose to smoke, you choose to live your life with someone who doesn't.

I know for some people this is an extreme dealbreaker but living in a cloud of smoke at home, waking to the smell, developing breathing issues or constantly having a runny nose because you are "sickly" - which amazingly disappears a month after moving out really makes for me this a sensible choice.

Best of luck with your chat. Maybe if he sees you are serious he will actually quit - however - if he is quitting for you then I doubt very much that he will be able to quit permanently. Smokers who quit normally have to want to stop for themselves not others.

Shellakybooky

Hi op. I can totally understand how you feel about the broken promise. That is never nice in any relationship. But if you do love him and care about him and his health have you thought about helping him break his addiction to nicotine.

As an ex smoker I understand how difficult it can be to shake the habit and addiction. It was not easy for me but my girlfriend was supportive and behind me all the way. I am very grateful for her support. I haven't smoked in nearly a year. I would have been lost without her.

Being there for each other and supporting each other through tough time is very important in any relationship.

username123

Im an ex smoker.

He probably hates himself for smoking and is constantly trying not to, the fact the he only smokes socially or when drunk would indicate he is not a smoker in the sense that Taltos experienced.

Your life, your preference, your decision - personally I think its a bit harsh if the person is genuinely trying not to smoke, but I know how hard it is to stop.

For me love is accepting the good and the bad, there would be some deal breakers but the odd social smoke doesnt seem to be huge to me in the scheme of things. In the example Taltos gives I can totally understand someone walking away, in the example you give I feel its quite a minor thing. I understand you are angry that he broke a promise but Im sure he didnt set out to hurt you.

But - your decision, your preference.

Ellsbells

I agree smoking is manky but it's the blatant lies that is the worst thing. Is he honest in the rest of the relationship.

I am black and White (probably too much) and it's the loss of trust that I would find hard to come back from.

ash23

Originally I was going to say that it is harsh to break up with him over smoking. But then upon reflection I don't think I could ever be in a serious relationship with a smoker. The idea of having babies and having to watch myself around that person while pregnant or watch the kids around them, the waste of money, the idea of the health issues when they get older...........I would probably not be attracted to a smoker in the first place if I'm honest.

However, I do think dumping him right away without even discussing it or helping him stop smoking is harsh. If you talk to him and he simply thinks it's no biggie and he isn't willing to change, then breaking up is fair enough. But at least talk to him about it first and let him give his side of the story.

WumBuster

Is he smoking all the time when he's not around you or is it just an occasional one with a drink or whatever? If its the latter it'd be kinda harsh to dump him over that. I smoke an occassional cig when Im drinking but i dont generally but i suppose that still probably classifies me as a smoker.

Either way you need to confront him about this. The best solution would be to insist he dosent do it anymore or if he's gonna do it not to do it around you or coming home smelling of it.

Lorna123

The guy is not deliberately going behind your back in smoking. Smoking is a disease and it is not that easy to give it up. Spare a thought for your OH and give him some slack. You are acting like he committed a crime. It is hard enough for him to give up smoking without having you on his back as well. Personally I would not let my OH tell me what to do like that or chastise me for not keeping promises that I fully intend to keep but because I am struggling I have had a lapse. I think this guy needs to move on.

analucija

Well people will hide stuff from you or lie to you when you give ultimatums. I don't know how much of a smoker your bf is. If it is occasional with drink, I wouldn't worry about. If he is a proper smoker then you can either stay with him and stop giving him ultimatums he won't obey or break up with him. But the language you are using here is more of a mummy being disappointed with her child than one of a partner in a relationship. So maybe it will be enough if you slap his bottom and send him to bed.

BraziliaNZ

You're being terribly dramatic and harsh. Would you leave him if he had a poor diet? Or ate too much processed meats which can lead to bowel cancer? If he has a few smokes when out drinking it's not really imposing on you is it?
He's a human, give him a break.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP again, thanks for all the replies.

Again, I know I may seem harsh. In the past he was just a social smoker, but any kind of smoking at all terrifies me, I'd be afraid of it turning into a full time habit. Some might say that it wouldn't, but I remember my dad giving up years ago when I was young, then having one or two on holidays "because I'm on holidays," and then lo and behold, he became addicted again.

At the time, I felt it'd been nipped in the bud, he knew how I felt, and that we wouldn't have the problem again. It wasn't an addiction at the time, so there was nothing to really "help him with" in that regard. When talking to him last night, he told me it was because he'd been "so stressed" lately. That was the first time I'd even heard him mention he was stressed. Really, the fact that he wouldn't talk to me about it and choose to smoke instead just says a lot. As I'm writing this I can just predict that someone will come along and say "Of course he didn't want to talk to you, you sound like a bitch." This really is not the case, believe me. So in response to posts like this (Sorry, just using one or two as an example, not singling anyone out, I just can't reply to everything):

Lorna123 wrote: »

The guy is not deliberately going behind your back in smoking. Smoking is a disease and it is not that easy to give it up. Spare a thought for your OH and give him some slack. You are acting like he committed a crime. It is hard enough for him to give up smoking without having you on his back as well. Personally I would not let my OH tell me what to do like that or chastise me for not keeping promises that I fully intend to keep but because I am struggling I have had a lapse. I think this guy needs to move on.

This isn't what it's like. He'd had a few in the past while drinking, I wasn't happy with that but accepted that it wasn't a big deal. It upset me to hear, and he said it wouldn't happen again. I don't agree with the sentiment "Smoking is a disease," either, to me it's a choice, but as I said, this is not what I wish to discuss in this thread.

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

You're being terribly dramatic and harsh. Would you leave him if he had a poor diet? Or ate too much processed meats which can lead to bowel cancer? If he has a few smokes when out drinking it's not really imposing on you is it?
He's a human, give him a break.

They're not comparable situations. A poor diet affects his health only, not mine and others. It's not imposing on me if he has a few when not out with me, no, which is why I let it go before.


I'm not setting out to break things off, but I really feel hurt. I'm not making any decisions until I talk to him, either. I just can't help feeling betrayed.

Starokan

I understand totally where your coming from op, i cannot stand smoking, the smell the sight of it , the whole thing just really irritates me , i've no idea why to be honest.

I could not be with someone who smoked but i think given the scenario you are in i would try work it out by helping your boyfriend quit (assuming he wants too).

Its an addiction and like all addictions its not easily beaten. Perhaps give him a chance and work with him

Dellnum

Smoking may not be a disease as such, but it is not a choice either when you are hooked. He is not going to phone you and tell you he is going to have a smoke, now be realistic. I would not like to have to answer to you to be honest.

I do think though that if you feel so strongly about him smoking then break up with him. You are never going to be sure whether he will go back on the cigs again in the future and you will be taking a chance if you stay with him. You are not betrayed for God's sake, the man is trying his best, he finds it hard to go without cigs and he has one now and then along the path of giving them up. If you can't cope with that then for your own sake find a non smoker.:pac:

OP I know where you're coming from. I've no problem with people smoking, but I couldn't be with someone who smoked.

Sorry if this is too much info, but in the past I was with someone who smoked, and we'd go out, have a few drinks, back to his, and on quite a few occasions (for too often) when he got up close he smelled so bad I actually couldn't have sex with him. Just the smell of his hands near my face, the taste in his mouth, I would just have to push him away. I'd feel really bad about it, because I loved him, but it was unbearable. Other times I'd feel it was a petty/harsh thing to care about, and I'd go through with it but I wouldn't enjoy it at all. It's one thing him disappearing out for a smoke every half hour, or having to stand out in the cold with him when he was smoking while we were out, or having to inhale secondary smoke all the time, but to have that disgusting smell pushed all over me, and right up in my face, I just couldn't do it. He smoked rollies so the smell was worse than your regular smoker, but I just don't think I could enter into a relationship with a smoker again.

Edit: Oh, I forgot the moral of the story - Ask him if he honestly thinks he can stop. If he says no, or if you don't believe his yes, you'll have to end it. Best to try first though, give the guy a chance it might have just been a small slip up.

LegacyUser

Dellnum wrote: »

Smoking may not be a disease as such, but it is not a choice either when you are hooked. He is not going to phone you and tell you he is going to have a smoke, now be realistic. I would not like to have to answer to you to be honest.

I do think though that if you feel so strongly about him smoking then break up with him. You are never going to be sure whether he will go back on the cigs again in the future and you will be taking a chance if you stay with him. You are not betrayed for God's sake, the man is trying his best, he finds it hard to go without cigs and he has one now and then along the path of giving them up. If you can't cope with that then for your own sake find a non smoker.:pac:

He isn't hooked, that's what I've been trying to say. He doesn't have to answer to me. This is just one thing that I will not put up with in a relationship, and in fact the only thing other than serious issues like cheating or controlling behaviour or the like. It's not like I'm handing him out a little rule book or constantly checking up on him - I have one condition, if you want to be with me, don't smoke.

He did betray me because he knew how I felt on the issue, when it happened the first time he promised it wouldn't happen again, now it has. I've pointed out many times that this is the crus of the issue, "Find a non-smoker"? I did - he didn't smoke when we got together.

username123

I dont know what age you are OP but I would think you are young.

You cannot control the behaviour of another person. If they do something you dont like you can either accept it and move on or not have them in your life anymore and move on. One thing you cannot do is control them.

The way you are speaking about this is really making a mountain out of a molehill. I feel sorry for your bf. He isnt doing anything that actually hurts you. As said already, giving people ultimatums will cause them to hide stuff from you or lie to you. You are the author of your own fate on that one Im afraid. He knows you disapprove of it. But you felt the need to make him promise he wouldnt do it again. Im sure he made that promise just to keep you quiet. What would your reaction have been had he refused to make that promise? Drama about things that havent even happened probably.

Id say youre better off to break up with him, no point being in a relationship where you are forcing unrealistic ultimatums on someone and then having big dramas because they go behind your back. You cant control someone, youd be happier with a total non smoker.

Mighty_Mouse

IMO this is a really extreme reaction from the OP.

I really feel for the OP's bf.
The idea that the poor man will be met by a screaming woman because he hasn't obeyed her rules sends shudders down my spine!!

Let's appreciate the context here.
He had a smoke with some mates whilst out for a beer.
A more normal reaction would be to gentle reminder that he better not become addicted.

This over-the-top reaction is just a person going crazy with another using all sorts of emotional manipulation to get their way. It's ugly.

LegacyUser

Sorry, OP again, this will probably show up as a double post but I actually posted my last reply long before this one, it just needed to be mod approved. Just had to reply to this.

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

IMO this is a really extreme reaction from the OP.

I really feel for the OP's bf.
The idea that the poor man will be met by a screaming woman because he hasn't obeyed her rules sends shudders down my spine!!

Let's appreciate the context here.
He had a smoke with some mates whilst out for a beer.
A more normal reaction would be to gentle reminder that he better not become addicted.

This over-the-top reaction is just a person going crazy with another using all sorts of emotional manipulation to get their way. It's ugly.

I'm really not sure where you're getting any of this from! I've re-read my posts in case I came across wrong, but I don't think I did.

The idea that the poor man will be met by a screaming woman because he hasn't obeyed her rules sends shudders down my spine!!

Yes, I agree that is horrible, and it's not what's happening here!

Let's appreciate the context here.
He had a smoke with some mates whilst out for a beer.
A more normal reaction would be to gentle reminder that he better not become addicted.

That is pretty much what happened - I was upset at the time and told him that if it did become an addiction, then it would be a serious problem and I'd be gone. Maybe it sounds like I was giving an ultimatum, but it's not actually like I said "Give up the cigarettes or I'm breaking up with you." Like I said, some may not find it a big issue, I do. I remember a thread in a different forum on here asking if people would go out with a smoker - some said it wouldn't bother them, some said no way. I belong to the latter category, and I think that's fair enough.

Pa Dee

icantbelieveit wrote: »

Before I begin this post, I'd just like to say that my views and opinions may seem strong to some, but it is how I feel, and I'd really appreciate if any advice given could be focused simply on the situation, and not on my own personal views. Thanks.

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. It is my first serious relationship, and I really feel that I love him. However today my mother dropped a bit of a bombshell on me - she saw him out, and he was smoking. This may not be a big problem to some, but to me it is the only thing that I would consider a "dealbreaker" in a relationship. Both my parents smoke, I've been around it all my life and I can't stand it.

The worst part about all of this is that he admitted to me a while ago that he had been smoking. He knows how much I hate it, and I felt incredibly upset at the time, and told him that I really couldn't be in a relationship with a smoker. I think he's sort of a social/drunk smoker, but the idea of it at all makes me really uncomfortable. He promised me that it wouldn't happen again, because he wouldn't want to lose me over "something as stupid as that," in his own words.

I felt bad enough at that time, but I let it go. Now I honestly don't know what to do. If my mother is to be believed, then I really don't know if I can get over this. He lied to me, and broke my promise. I feel completely betrayed.

I need to bring this up with him, because if it's true, then I really don't think I can stay in this relationship. But I don't know how to broach the topic. I'm feeling really terrible right now, which I don't think I'll be able to hide from him. I was thinking that if he asks what's wrong, I'd tell him that my mother just said something that upset me (not a lie and not hard to believe, we don't have the best relationship at times) and that I'd rather not talk about it right now. And then I was thinking that I could maybe arrange to meet him during the week to tell him about it, not in a confrontational way, just in case I've got it all wrong. Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly tempted to just let loose right now, but I know that isn't the best idea and that it could go very wrong.

Any advice is appreciated, thanks.

You have a very odd outlook as what he is doing has zero inpact in you. You are only upset because someone has "informed" on him.....if they hadnt you would be done with him

Dellnum

icantbelieveit wrote: »

He isn't hooked, that's what I've been trying to say. He doesn't have to answer to me. This is just one thing that I will not put up with in a relationship, and in fact the only thing other than serious issues like cheating or controlling behaviour or the like. It's not like I'm handing him out a little rule book or constantly checking up on him - I have one condition, if you want to be with me, don't smoke.

He did betray me because he knew how I felt on the issue, when it happened the first time he promised it wouldn't happen again, now it has. I've pointed out many times that this is the crus of the issue, "Find a non-smoker"? I did - he didn't smoke when we got together.

He has one condition if he wants to be with you "don't smoke".

So the man has smoked, then dump him.

Piliger

icantbelieveit wrote: »

He did betray me because he knew how I felt on the issue, when it happened the first time he promised it wouldn't happen again, now it has. I've pointed out many times that this is the crus of the issue, "Find a non-smoker"? I did - he didn't smoke when we got together.

Absolutely right. It's a trust issue and a question of his integrity. What value is a person if they cannot keep their word, and betray a key need of their partner.
Breaking that trust and word is a huge betrayal and is a very good indicator of what is to come later down the line when you will need trust in a long term relationship.

In my view this guy needs to shape up or ship out - pronto.

OP don't let any fear of finding another guy put you off taking your stand. You can do better than a man who has no understanding of what his word means.

Mighty_Mouse

I really cannot believe the general reaction of most posters here.

Is this not supposed to be a serious committed long-term relationship....ie. someone you plan on spending the rest of your life with?

The suggested "dump that horrible disobedient man" advice is nuts!!

It's completely out-of-kilter with what the guy has done.
For the OP Bf to lose his partner for having a smoke on a night out with some mates just beggers belief?

Are people really living these type of fundamentalist, crazy, black & white type of lives?

in fact the only thing other than serious issues like cheating or controlling behaviour or the like. It's not like I'm handing him out a little rule book or constantly checking up on him -

How can you seriously say that this is not controlling behaviour?

Dellnum

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

I really cannot believe the general reaction of most posters here.

Is this not supposed to be a serious committed long-term relationship....ie. someone you plan on spending the rest of your life with?

The suggested "dump that horrible disobedient man" advice is nuts!!

It's completely out-of-kilter with what the guy has done.
For the OP Bf to lose his partner for having a smoke on a night out with some mates just beggers belief?

Are people really living these type of fundamentalist, crazy, black & white type of lives?


As said previously, I feel sorry for the guy to be tied so such an emotionally extreme dramatic angry woman.


How can you seriously say that this is not controlling behaviour?

I might have said Dump the Guy but I was saying that because I was thinking that the guy would be better off. I was losing patience with the OP for being so angry and so controlling.

LegacyUser

Sorry, my posts aren't really going through quickly enough to be able to reply properly (no offence to the mods, I understand you're all probably busy, it's fine!)

username123 wrote: »

I dont know what age you are OP but I would think you are young.

I am quite young, myself and my boyfriend are both in college.

You cannot control the behaviour of another person. If they do something you dont like you can either accept it and move on or not have them in your life anymore and move on. One thing you cannot do is control them.

The way you are speaking about this is really making a mountain out of a molehill. I feel sorry for your bf. He isnt doing anything that actually hurts you. As said already, giving people ultimatums will cause them to hide stuff from you or lie to you. You are the author of your own fate on that one Im afraid. He knows you disapprove of it. But you felt the need to make him promise he wouldnt do it again. Im sure he made that promise just to keep you quiet. What would your reaction have been had he refused to make that promise? Drama about things that havent even happened probably.

I agree, you can't control someone, and I'm not trying to. If he wishes to smoke, that's fine, and I will have to accept it and move on, as you said.

I never really gave him an ultimatum, I explained this in another post that is yet to go through. I did not "make him promise" anything, either. He said it to me himself when he saw how hurt I was. I like how people are filling in the blanks of this situation themselves to make me seem like some sort of crazy controlling bitch.

Id say youre better off to break up with him, no point being in a relationship where you are forcing unrealistic ultimatums on someone and then having big dramas because they go behind your back. You cant control someone, youd be happier with a total non smoker.

Once again, not forcing any unrealistic ultimatums on anyone. And as I said, he was a total non smoker when we got together.

Pa Dee wrote: »

You have a very odd outlook as what he is doing has zero inpact in you. You are only upset because someone has "informed" on him.....if they hadnt you would be done with him

It doesn't impact me directly, for the moment. But if it becomes a bigger problem, then it would impact on me quite dramatically. I genuinely don't understand your last sentence there, what do you mean?

Piliger wrote: »

Absolutely right. It's a trust issue and a question of his integrity. What value is a person if they cannot keep their word, and betray a key need of their partner.
Breaking that trust and word is a huge betrayal and is a very good indicator of what is to come later down the line when you will need trust in a long term relationship.

In my view this guy needs to shape up or ship out - pronto.

OP don't let any fear of finding another guy put you off taking your stand. You can do better than a man who has no understanding of what his word means.

Thank you, someone who understands the true issue at hand here. It's an issue of trust, which he did break. I knew the thread would descend into this, which is why I mentioned in the first sentence of my OP that I was looking for advice, and not a critique of my own views and preferences.

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

How can you seriously say that this is not controlling behaviour?

Did you actually read what I said properly? I said that that is NOT what's happening. I think you're just taking things out of context to comply with this idea that I'm a crazy controlling girlfriend. I'm not at all, I'm actually not sure where people are getting that from! I just have basic principles and standards for a relationship. Don't most people?

Taltos

All - less of the attacks on the OP - that is not what PI/RI is about.

As per our charter - provide constructive advice or don't post. If anyone is unsure over what is appropriate or not have a quick read of our charter before posting.

OP - we are all volunteers here so it can naturally take some time for posts to get approved.

Thanks
Taltos

LegacyUser

Really feel for you OP, it's a horrible situation to be in.

IMO this is a really extreme reaction from the OP.

I really feel for the OP's bf.
The idea that the poor man will be met by a screaming woman because he hasn't obeyed her rules sends shudders down my spine!!

Let's appreciate the context here.
He had a smoke with some mates whilst out for a beer.
A more normal reaction would be to gentle reminder that he better not become addicted.

This over-the-top reaction is just a person going crazy with another using all sorts of emotional manipulation to get their way. It's ugly.

What an odd way to look at the situation. I can't say from any of the OPs posts have I got the sense she's controlling or using emotional manipulation.

The OP has grown up in an environment where she was constantly surrounded by smoke and the health implications that brings, she's perfectly entitled to not want that environment to also become her (or her possible future childrens) future.

If the OPs boyfriend reeked of BO and never washed and she found it disgusting I'm sure you'd agree asking him to shower once in a while was far from controlling. So how is finding the stench of smoke, yellow fingers, and bad breath disgusting and asking him not to smoke any different? It's a deal breaker for her in the way BO and bad hygenie is for others.

OP he broke a promise to you on something you felt incredibly strongly about, there are 2 perspectives here: either he promised just to "shut you up" - which shows a complete belittling and lack of respect for your beliefs- or he cares more about smoking than your relationship/is already an addict as he can't give them up or doesn't want to give them up ...none of these perspectives bode well for a happy future.

If smoking is something you feel so strongly about and he doesn't feel the same way then it's probably never going to work between you both tbh. IMHO (as the responses in this thread are testaament to), smoking is an issue which usually polarises people, and where there can't really be a middle ground.

Mighty_Mouse

What value is a person if they cannot keep their word, and betray a key need of their partner.
Breaking that trust and word is a huge betrayal and is a very good indicator of what is to come later down the line when you will need trust in a long term relationship.

Surely there's levels involved?
The fact the guy had a sneaky drunken smoke has little or no relevence as to whether he will be there for the op in a tough situation, make a good father, be faithful.........etc

This "crime" is pretty mundane day-to-day relationship stuff.
It's not "pack your bags" territory IMO

It's a conversation along the lines of "I hate it when you smoke, I wish you didn't" as opposed to "you've completely broken my trust in you, I no longer respect you as a person"........
I mean, there's a pretty significant gap there?
He is not sleeping with hookers!!

IMO you need to have a conversation whereby you find out everything about his smoking. If it has become a regular thing, then obviously it's a problem. If it's the odd drunken smoke then how bad really?

Try and see this from his point of view a little more and even if he has started smoking regularly socially, don't blow this out of proportion.

LegacyUser

OP,

You are very smart and have a very good head for someone your age. I speak with people much older who wouldn't think like that . Stick with your principles. Some on this thread are not delving into the issue of trust which is your primary concern.

Nicotine is perhaps THE HARDEST addiction to break. More difficult than alcohol and narcotics like heroin and cocaine. I know I work in addictions for a number of years. Many of my clients were able to break the habit of heroin, alcohol, crack, cocaine (with difficulty of course) but they admittedly told me that cigarettes was and/or is their hardest addiction to break. You are correct that addiction is a choice. Someone makes the decision to do something that they know is harmful to their health and it does affect others too. Second hand smoke is more harmful than most like to think. Just because someone smokes outside the remnants of the cigarettes go into their hair, skin and clothes and you breathe these spores.

You need to speak with him about your concerns. Express your concerns angling on a trust issue rather than a smoking one. He promised that he would stop but he didn't. He did it sneakily behind your back knowing how hurtful and how much this means to you. He told you that he was stressed, an excuse but not a good one because whenever he is stressed he is going to smoke? Why not encourage him to look for healthier coping strategies for stress like exercise or mindfulness meditation instead of cigarettes?

As far as him wanting to stop, keep in mind that the responsibility and motivation to quit lies in HIS hands. We don't know his level of addiction to cigarettes. The fact that he did it behind your back and admitted to you he was stressed when he had done it shows me that he is using cigarettes to relieve anxiety. This can turn into a full blown addiction, known as self medicating for his stress. This is where he needs to find other healthier ways to handle it. Support and talk to him more about it. With your sympathy and listening ear, he may trust to talk to you more whenever he feels stressed or anxious. If it makes you feel better maybe agree together on a time frame and see if he is making the changes and progress as promised. Talk about lapses but remember to listen, don't become angry or judgemental. It may make him more disillusioned and perhaps distance more from you. If you do not see any marked improvements on his behaviour than the decision is really yours to decide if you want to continue with this relationship or not.

jimmycrackcorm

Op you've forced him into the position of hiding his social smoking because in one sense it shouldn't matter to you that he is smoking elsewhere. I don't think that you should be trying to control him in that scenario.

You're real issue is that you should be in a relationship that is much more in tune with what you think and want and that means finding a more suitable partner who doesn't smoke.

ash23

OP, My ex was into taking recreational drugs. I was not. I had one ask of him and that was that he not have them in the house (as I had a child) and that if he did take some, that he not come home until the effects wore off.

I didn't want to see him in that state so we rarely socialised together. And we had the mother of all rows when I got up with the baby one night to find him and his friend off their face in our living room. He broke my trust by doing the ONE thing I had asked him not to do. He could have easily gone out for the night and done as he pleased but he chose not to, instead he broke his promise to me.

Our lack of socialising together caused problems and eventually on one of his nights out he met a girl who was into the "scene" he was into. And that was the beginning of the end for us.
Anyway, I digress. The point is that I was in a similar position albeit a different substance so I can understand what you are saying and it's not about control or being a b!tch, it's about a strong belief in something or against something.
The child of an alcoholic might want someone who doesn't drink. The child of a drug addict might want someone who doesn't take drugs. You don't want someone who smokes and I don't think you're wrong to want that. I watched a family member waste away from lung cancer and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy and I don't ever want to see someone die like that again. So a smoker is out for me.


There really isn't a whole lot you can do though. He said the last time he felt the occasional cigarette was not a big deal. I think you are both on different pages for this one with him only placating you but not actually having the same anti-smoking ethos that you have.

username123

icantbelieveit wrote: »

I was upset at the time and told him that if it did become an addiction, then it would be a serious problem and I'd be gone.

Thats totally fair enough. But you seem to be making a massive leap of logic from 'someone who has the odd cigarette out' to 'someone who smokes full time all the time'. Why are you getting so upset over something that hasnt happened? You cant live your life on the what if's.

Youre saying you cant go out with a smoker. Everyone gets that. But from what you are saying this guy is not a smoker. He has an occasional social smoke.

And you are also behaving as though there has been a massive betrayal of your trust. There hasnt. Maybe this is a reflection of your youth, but people tell white lies and break small promises all the time. And it shouldnt cause anything more than an eye roll unless its about something serious. Which this isnt.

Ever heard the expression 'dont sweat the small stuff?'

LegacyUser

OP if something is a deal breaker for you then it's a deal breaker. It might be seen as a non issue to some people but it's not them who is in this relationship. Smoking would be a massive deal breaker for me. My dad died from issues relating to smoking and it has made my brother and I very anti-smoking. We certainly don't go around yelling at people in the street or giving family and friends grief but when it comes to dating I just couldn't date a smoker - even a social smoker. I do think relationships are about finding common ground and making concessions, being flexible for each other but everyone has that one thing or sometimes two or three things they just can't bend on. Explain you views to your OH if he doesn't understand or thinks your trying to be controlling then best for both of you to move on.

Faith

I think most people I knew socially smoked at some point during college, OP. They didn't become addicted or turn into full blown smokers. I've smoked socially for years, as has my boyfriend, and I can hand-on-heart say I'm not addicted. I couldn't tell you when my last cigarette was - probably last Saturday in the pub. I only smoke when I'm drinking.

If your fear is that this will turn into an addiction, then there's no guarantees that it will. If your problem is with him having any cigarettes at all, then I think you should dump him for both your sakes. Otherwise, think carefully about what your actual criteria are before making any rash decisions. Can you live with him having the odd one with his friends?

danslevent

If he is only smoking when out, and never around you, then it can't be that big of an issue? I know you might be worried that he will turn into a full blown addict but I know loads of people who only smoke when they are drinking and it has never passed into a daily thing.

Piliger

icantbelieveit wrote: »

Thank you, someone who understands the true issue at hand here. It's an issue of trust, which he did break. I knew the thread would descend into this, which is why I mentioned in the first sentence of my OP that I was looking for advice, and not a critique of my own views and preferences.

Not just trust but addiction.

If this man has been unable to keep even this basic element of his word, then what else will he fail to keep his word about ? If he cannot stay away from smoking when he knows how you feel about it, he could well be addicted, and he certainly must have no consideration for your feelings.
What else will he sneak behind your back with in the future ? Maybe this is the kind of person he is. How can one ever be sure ?
Smoking is a disgusting habit. It permeates the smokers skin, their smell, their clothes, their taste ... yuk.... everything about them. The very thought of it makes me retch.

Mighty_Mouse

If this man has been unable to keep even this basic element of his word, then what else will he fail to keep his word about ?

The above is twisted logic IMO
Again, surely there is some kind of relevent scale to these matters?
Forgetting to put out the bins is not akin to domestic abuse?
There's a vast middle crowd in which reasonable judgement can be applied here.

It seems to me there are 2 elements to this argument:
1. The right of a person to veto their partners private behaviour
2. Smoking - strength of opinion against

1. I'm really wary when 1 person begins to enfore rules & controls over another's personal freedom.
e.g. .....Don't drink, Be home before midnight, Stop smoking, you curse to much, you watched TV for 3 hours last night etc ...

2. Despite all the obvious arguments against amoking, I'm generally wary of anybody who becomes a zealot.
It typically points to something odd about their personality.

Why not ban him from drinking, taking painkillers, weed, Class A's, coffee?
If at any point in his short life he breaks your rules deciding for his own reasons he would like to try any or all the above...........Is the relationship over?

username123

Piliger wrote: »

If this man has been unable to keep even this basic element of his word, then what else will he fail to keep his word about ?

There is no correlation at all. He probably sees this as such an irrelevant unimportant little thing that he doesnt even consider his word binding on it. I wouldnt tbh. Its really not a big deal at all. Its the OP who wants to make a big deal of it. Maybe the OP likes having drama in her relationship?

When you set up impossible or silly rules for people and they invariably break them who is to blame? The person who made a silly rule, or the person who broke it?

No one should have to live by another persons rules. If the OP doesnt want a relationship with a smoker thats fine, then break up with the guy and move on. But its not clear that he is a smoker, just that he has the odd social smoke. So instead the OP wants a load of drama and soul searching about one cigarette that her mother saw him having. Its massively childish and way out of proportion. If I was the guy Id be long gone, couldnt deal with that level of drama and head wreck.

Piliger

Hi OP. Try to find a man who understands what giving his word means. A man of some integrity. A man who, when he promises something and cares about you and respects you - actually follows through. A man actually worth being with. A man who treats his word like a sweet wrapper, to be tossed away on a whim, is not a man and isn't worth being around. You and he entered an agreement. He broke it wilfully Next time what will it be ? another woman or women ? What else will he do behind your back ? What other vices will he secretly indulge himself, indifferent to you.
Listen to your instincts. I believe they are telling you the right thing.

username123

Piliger wrote: »

Hi OP. Try to find a man who understands what giving his word means. A man of some integrity. A man who, when he promises something and cares about you and respects you - actually follows through. A man actually worth being with. A man who treats his word like a sweet wrapper, to be tossed away on a whim, is not a man and isn't worth being around. You and he entered an agreement. He broke it wilfully Next time what will it be ? another woman or women ? What else will he do behind your back ? What other vices will he secretly indulge himself, indifferent to you.
Listen to your instincts. I believe they are telling you the right thing.

Sounds like an excerpt from a Mills and Boon book!

Piliger

username123 wrote: »

Sounds like an excerpt from a Mills and Boon book!

I really see no reason to be abusive and show such lack of respect for another poster. Your standards are clearly very different to mine and the OP and I don't disrespect yours.

username123

Piliger wrote: »

I really see no reason to be abusive and show such lack of respect for another poster. Your standards are clearly very different to mine and the OP and I don't disrespect yours.

Aw Piliger, you totally took that the wrong way. There was absolutely no abusive intention and Im really not sure how you could possibly have thought there was. I meant it sounded romantic - like a Mills and Boon book. Not realistic of course, but romantic and dreamy and nice. I particularly enjoyed the sweet wrapper analogy. Lovely.

analucija

Piliger wrote: »

I really see no reason to be abusive and show such lack of respect for another poster. Your standards are clearly very different to mine and the OP and I don't disrespect yours.

But it reads like a description of someone who doesn't exist.

OP,

I think your problem is that a lot of people consider occasional smoking an innocent transgression that most did at some stage, especially when being drunk. How many people could say that they never smoke a cigarette? Your expectations regarding smoking will always have to compete with those of society. Some people compared his actions to those of cheating. You can't compare the two. Cheating is generally condemned by society, we are always told we shouldn't do it. While general attitude for an occasional smoke is more forgiving, because most of us have done it at some stage. So your views will always compete with what is basically typical college behavior.

I can understand you don't want to be with a smoker and that is fair enough. But please do not have such a strong moral standards for people because you will often feel betrayed. Don't take this the wrong way but you do come across very young and a bit idealistic.

Mighty_Mouse

Try to find a man who understands what giving his word means. A man of some integrity. A man who, when he promises something and cares about you and respects you - actually follows through. A man actually worth being with. A man who treats his word like a sweet wrapper, to be tossed away on a whim, is not a man and isn't worth being around. You and he entered an agreement. He broke it wilfully Next time what will it be ? another woman or women ? What else will he do behind your back ? What other vices will he secretly indulge himself, indifferent to you.

Pilger, I hesitate to guess, but you are speaking about your own personal experience.

OP,
Do you see why the above type of thinking can be perceived as overly idealistic?
IMO it takes no account of everyday normal human behaviour.
If the smoking is a serious issue, then it deserves to be addressed reasonably.
(Which I think you have done so to this point)

Don't throw away a relationship with someone you love cheaply, ever.

Lorna123

I don't think that posters here should be commenting on what other posters say. The forum is here to comment on what the OP says and give them the advice we see fit to give them. Basing our ideas for comments on what other posters say is a waste of time and rude sometimes. We are all different and have different opinions and it is up to the OP to take whatever advice he choses. It is not a forum for a debate on who is right and wrong as there is no right and wrong, just different opinions. It is very offputting to see some posters criticizing others

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here again.

I'd like to just try to give my point of view once more, I know people will still disagree with me, but I'd still like to explain. He had a few drunk cigarettes in the past. I do know that social smoking isn't that big a deal, but it is a genuine concern of mine that it would grow into a bigger problem. I told him this (note the word told, I did not go around screaming or forcing any views) and he said that it would be a stupid thing to lose me over, so he wouldn't do it again. His choice. I never made him do anything. I can accept it as a drunk thing, I wouldn't be happy about it, but it does happen. However, my mother saw him out in the middle of the day, having not had anything to drink (he'd mentioned to me later that he hadn't been drinking), smoking. Naturally I jumped to a few conclusions, and if you'll all remember correctly the OP was asking how I could talk to him about this. I assumed that it had jumped from social smoking to addiction, and couldn't understand why he'd do something like that when he knew how much it'd hurt me. It was a basic issue of trust - the cigarettes were just the vital part of the story, not really the issue themselves.

Anyway, we talked things over yesterday and today, and everything is resolved now. Seeing as there is nothing more to discuss, and that the thread has descended a bit off topic, I'd appreciate it if it could be closed. Thanks.