Long distance relationship begins next week, feel awful.

LegacyUser

Hi folks,

In less than two weeks, my girlfriend of the last 7 months is moving 6000 miles away (to Japan) for a years work. This is something I have known about for the last few months and was even in the pipelines before we met. I know some people will say "ah sure its only 7 months together" but they don't understand what we have between us.

First, about us: We are both early 20's and have just finished college with good degrees in a similar field. We are absolutely in love with one another. She is my best friend and I am hers. We have opened up, confided and trusted each other with things that neither of us express to either our family our friends. We have a deep emotional bond and have been there for each other and see each other very regularly. We have talked every day since we met and never bore of one another. We love each other.

However, there has been an elephant in the room, and one particular thing that we hadn't talked about, which is her nearing departure.

It was something we both avoided. I because I couldn't bare the thought of it and she because she didn't want to upset things. However, a week ago it finally came up as a serious discussion. It was a tough and upsetting talk for both of us, the type of discussion that could have led to us going separate ways. We talked about the differences in time period, the fact that she will be busy adjusting to this new culture and job and, most painfully, the fact that we'll be away from each other. During the discussion I guess both of us said things that the other person may not have exactly wanted to hear, nothing nasty or personal but just thoughts on the situation. However, we pulled through the discussion, agreed that we were glad it came up and plan to make this all work.

She will be home for a short period most likely in November and I plan to travel to her in January for a month or two and then she will return home next July, normality resumes somewhat then, she looks for a job here.

I'm finding it very hard to pinpoint what I'm feeling, it is always on my mind and has been for a while.

I guess it's just my way of coping with what is now coming to a peak, something that was the elephant in the room but is now a reality.

I want to make this work indefinitely, as does she, but I get the feeling that my heart is invested in it more than her. I'm the one who is going to remain in this drab country, biding my time while she will have a whole new world to occupy her, new people, new sights, new experiences. I am happy for her. I have never asked her to choose either me or the job.

What I want really is advice, I know each couple is different and there is always technology (email, skype etc...) to stay in touch. But on an emotional level, how will I keep myself sane? How will I keep the strong love that we have now, intact?

What I want to be able to do is for both of us to look back on all this in a years time with: 1) A new light on our relationship, a stronger relationship for getting through the distance, 2) For myself to be able to wonder why I have put myself through so much mental anguish and 3) To be able to get back on track with "us".

I am possibly over thinking this, I have an awful habit of doing so. I know that instead of looking at it as a year apart I should remember that she will be back in about 3 months, that I will head over for about 2 months and then the countdown to return wont be so long after that.

For the first time ever between us, that conversation put a small strain on things at the time, gave our relationship a little "test" and brought home the reality of what will soon be.

I want this next week and a half before she goes to be positive, I will only be able to see her for 2/3 of those days, but I get this ominous feeling when we're together. We both sense it. It's not a horrible feeling, but more of a "knowing" feeling. Could also just be anxiety.

I love her very much and want this to work, she does too and we both need to be on the same track for it to succeed.

Any advice?

Thank you.

Taltos

OP - no matter how you feel inside you have to try to focus on the positive here and project to her that you are delighted at this opportunity she has to travel. I don't mean don't let on you will miss her - be honest of course you will - but start planning some things together to stoke the excitement.

eg.
> Things to do when you go over.
> Setting up Skype accounts so you can chat over the web to each other
> Organise little surprises for her - eg flowers or a welcome pack for her arrival and little surprises (not expensive) every so often.
> Write and post a letter or two

Stay focussed on the positive here
1) You have met each other
2) You clearly get on well and are made for each other
3) You both (yes you too) will have so many stories to tell the other when you meet up.

Things to avoid
> Drunk calling / texting - just never ever do it.
> Making her feel bad about this - this is a really great opportunity for her - something that will stick with her for the rest of her life

Having gone through something similar for nearly two years I can tell you this is more than do-able - in my case years later we got married and are still together. Have faith - in her and in yourself and try to focus on the positive as much as you can.

Ellsbells

Can you go too?

LegacyUser

Taltos, thank you very much for the advice provided. I think staying positive about the whole thing is definitely the key.

Ellsbells, I have looked into it but due to the language barrier I wouldn't have much hope. Her job is teaching English and is organised through an exchange programme, it doesn't require her to know the Japanese language and was based on an interview months ago.

My degree is in Science and Health and without the language, job prospects are null over there from what I've gathered. I technically could go as a tourist for up to 6 months but I'm not sure how that length of time would affect me financially. I am planning to go for 2/3 months myself which would be an amazing feeling and experience.

Really I just don't want things to go stale between us, I don't imagine they will but its just a niggle in my head. Every month so far that we have been together, things have gotten better and better, feelings have become stronger with each week. I would just hate for that growing bond to suddenly stop and drop down notches. I would like to maintain things and keep what we have intact. I'm sure we will without much problem, but as I said, its just a niggle. Even writing all this out has helped clarify my mind somewhat.

Piliger

HI OP. There is no way to butter it up imho ... it is ghastly and it will be really really tough.

I agree with Taltos. get busy with the logistics. Also get busy with your own life, hobbies, friends. You are NOT betraying her by being happy in her absence. And talk about this to her too.

The trips by her and you will be a HUGE help. You just need to bridge those gaps between.

Make sure you are both communicating ... don't leave ANY elephants in the room OP. This is a time for openness and honesty about emotions and doubts and worries and love, and not a time for holding back.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi OP
I am in a similar situation, except that I'm a girl. We were together for 8 months when I had to go home as I was finished my second year visa while he was just going into his. It was so tough leaving. He has a good job in oz (but is not sponsored for me to go defacto) and I would never dream of giving him an ultimatum. I'm back about 3 months now and when I left I kept thinking he'd meet someone else and that he'd forget about me. But he has been great. Trust is a major neccesity in a long distance relationship. We skype/call/txt regularly and although it's really tough at times, it's much better than not having him in my life at all. He will be home for a month around november. Then I will go over to visit in Feb/March and he will be back soon after that so as long as things keep going well I think we will have a future together. I miss him so much though and I ache to just have him lying next to me in bed at night. But you like me know that there is an end date in sight and that makes all the difference

smileyscientist

Hi OP,

Your post stuck out to me as I, am in some ways, going though what you will be emabrking on next week. My BF left march 2011 to work in Australia as he couldn't get work here, he came back for a month this march and it was like seeing him for the first time again.. I know for one, its true what they say absence truely does make the heart fonder. I was heartbroken when he returned however I had planned on going over for a month in October.

As fate or luck (depending on how you look at it) would have the company I work for went under and I was made reduandant so I decided to take a leap of faith andI will move over in Oct. What I'm trying to say is that we made it work for a year and a half and don't get me wrong it was hard- damn hard at times but if ye are committed to one another - and by teh sounds of your post ye most definately are ye will make it work. What worked most for us was that we both made an effort to communicate by text everyday and he or I would ring twice a week and Skype most weekends. I understand that this might not be possible with the time difference but its something you'll find you'll just have to work around I agree with all the above posters said if your committed it will work. Its only 7months at the end of the day and its broken up nicely with her coming over and and you visiting in Jan.

I also made an effort to send over packages over the year too.. helped him to actually ''feel'' something from me..


Maybe have another discussion and set up a proper plan of how you both will communicate over the 7months.. In my opinion LDR's are more than doable when you have an end date in sight- which you have. If you go about this the right way this could be the best thing that ye both could do:) Best of luck!

Princess Peach

I'm away for the year, will see my boyfriend for 2 weeks next month. So when I see him it will over 7 months apart, and then about 4 months till I come home at Christmas

We spoke about it a lot before I left, as I had been planning it for a while. Seems like ye have had a good discussion. We talked about all our options, in the end the choice was to stay together monogamously. We talked about our worries. We spoke about how we would stay in touch, and if it was possible for him to visit at all this year.

We both have smart phones and use a text app to chat all the time. Its really great since you don't pay per text! We have a private group on Facebook to send links and messages back and forth. I find this really good with the time difference, as you can leave something they will get when they wake up. With regards to Skype, try and make set times with it. Me and my boyfriend often used to just leave these things till either of us were free, and we took it for granted for a while. Now we set it out in advance to make sure it happens. We do movie/tv dates, watching something at the same time and texting back and forth. And sending little parcels and cards are great

Since I've been gone we talk about the distance a lot. Make sure each of us is still happy with how things are, anything more/different we can do. If you are feeling a bit lonely, tell her! Make sure you keep up all types of communication. We are a bit sappy and tell each other how much we love each other and ooey gooey stuff every day too. Just make sure she knows you still care, whatever way that is for you.

Keeping yourself sane, just keep busy! While we both miss each other, I can't say the missing has ever been a sad one. Like I do miss him, but I'm not crying or moaning about it, because I have a lot going on in my life that keeps me happy, and I still have him in my life. When she leaves, its not a break-up so don't get sad about it, just carry on doing the things you always do, and you will still be talking to her! Focus on the next time you will see her, make lots of plans together.

LittleBook

OK, all the advise about maintaining a long-distance relationship you've been given is great BUT I'm going to go out on a limb here and propose something ...

OPhere wrote: »

Ellsbells, I have looked into it but due to the language barrier I wouldn't have much hope. Her job is teaching English and is organised through an exchange programme, it doesn't require her to know the Japanese language and was based on an interview months ago.

My degree is in Science and Health and without the language, job prospects are null over there from what I've gathered. I technically could go as a tourist for up to 6 months but I'm not sure how that length of time would affect me financially. I am planning to go for 2/3 months myself which would be an amazing feeling and experience.

OK, so there's nothing for you in Science & Health there, but if she can go there and teach English without a word of Japanese being required, why can't you?

You're right, being in a country like Japan would be an amazing experience, particularly if you're with someone and you have the basic security of having somewhere to go when you arrive.

When I was your age TEFL courses were seen as the gateway to working and travelling, you could be qualified in a couple of weeks.

I understand she's been planning this for quite a while, but people drop out of these programmes, places pop up and I'm sure there are other companies/programmes you could go through.

Depending on the visa requirements, once you're qualified, you could even take the risk of going privately and fishing for work when you get there if you're prepared to go for three to six months anyway.

Just a thought. Good luck with it in any case.

Lorna123

OPhere wrote: »

Really I just don't want things to go stale between us, I don't imagine they will but its just a niggle in my head. Every month so far that we have been together, things have gotten better and better, feelings have become stronger with each week. I would just hate for that growing bond to suddenly stop and drop down notches. I would like to maintain things and keep what we have intact. I'm sure we will without much problem, but as I said, its just a niggle. Even writing all this out has helped clarify my mind somewhat.

Did you ever think that "Absence makes the heart grow stronger". Just concentrate on that.

OP - Taltos has it pretty much summed up. There is very little more to add. Though I would add extra weight to the writing a letter thing. Do not underestimate the theraputic effects of writing a letter compared to sending an email or skyping. Nor should you underestimate how it will be appreciated when it is recieved. The art of letter writing is nearly dead but that makes it all the more precious and special when someone engaged in it. Do everything else Taltos listed though - but pay special attention to this one!

The only thing I would add tha Taltos did not say is to focus on things in your relationship where you feel you could be "better". Anything at all. Your cooking - your dancing - something you wish you could do for your partner now that you can not do like play guitar and singer her a song - and whatever it is you come up with focus on using the next year to learn/improve that skill. In other words - instead of using this year to lament her abscence and a relationship on hold - use the year to improve the relationship and work on it even in her abscence. Not only will this benefit the relationship in the long run - being busy and focused on something new will help deal with the time that goes past.

One thing you could learn for example might be the language of the country she is going to. This will almost make you feel "with" her in that you will be experiencing a lot about he culture she is in along with her and on skype and letters etc you will be able to impress her by dropping in little things you have learned.

Not to mention the benefit if - unlikely as it may be - she gets made permanent over there and stays and you have to move over. You certainly will not regret having spent a year learning the language if THAT happenes.

Above all keep communicating with her. Communication is the main key in any relationship. As was said already do not make her feel bad about this trip in any way. But neither should you bottle up how you are feeling at any time so that it builds up and explodes badly one day. Keep being open, keep communicating, keep letting her know your feelings and always try and keep up with listening to hers.