Forgiving my father/voicing my feelings.

LegacyUser

This is gonna be long, apologies in advance. For obvious reasons, I'm going unreg and changing a few minor details.

To be blunt, my dad was abusive. Not sexually, I'd like to point out. He was an addict (I'm not saying to what) who regularly beat up my mum, my brothers and I. I have permanent damage from one attack, although it's minor. He stopped hitting me when I was about 15 and he has never hit my younger siblings, but things came to a head a little over 2 years ago when he attacked me again. My parents then separated.

Since then, my mum and my brothers and I have tried to cope as best we can. My dad still had financial control and left us with no money for food upon occasion, but thankfully my brother and I were working so we helped to support my mum.

Last night, I came home to be told that they're back together and my dad has moved back in.

My brothers and parents and, well, everyone is happy about this. Everyone except me.

All I can think of is the horrible things he said and did to me, which have played a part in some bad decisions I made as an adult. I'm in counselling for post traumatic stress disorder over something else, but we've been working a LOT on what my father did to me and to us, and I have yet to fully come to terms with it. I thought I had forgiven him, until I realised that I had never dealt with what he did.

I'm trying really hard to forgive him and be happy, but it's hard. Like, he's been nice for a few months, but how long is that goint to last before he snaps again and hits me or someone else again? I spent my life being beaten down both mentally and physically by this man, and I'm expected to be happy that he's once again living with us??

I tried to broach the subject with my brother when he asked how I felt about it, but my opinion was brushed over with him saying 'Well, we all make mistakes and do things we regret.' But how is domestic abuse a mistake that you regret? If that were the case, it'd be an isolated incident, not over 20 years of abuse. He might be nice now, but he could flip at any moment, just like he did in the past.

So, how do I tell my mum I'm unhappy with this? She is really happy, as is my dad, and I don't want to destroy that. She wouldn't kick him out or anything even if I did voice my opinion, so I know my opinion is worthless really but I feel like I have to tell her. The problem is, I don't think she'll listen, or she'll just brush my opinion aside. Aside from that, I still love my dad. I really do. He's one of the most important people in my life and I feel like I'm betraying him by telling my mum how I feel, because I know she'll say it back to him. Nonetheless, I need to figure out a way to approach her and tell her.


Thanks if you've even managed to read this far. I'm upset so I'm rambling a lot.

Xterminator

i dont think your rambling.

it wasn't clear if you live in the parental house or not. im guessing you dont.

if you live there, i think you could well expect that your mum would have talked this over with you before your father moved in, to lessen the shock & explain her position.

if you dont live there, they may have taken the opinion that your not overly affected by your father moving back in. thats debatable, but at least i could understand the decision.

look, i think you should have a chat with your mum, outside of the home, one 2 one, and clear the air. explain your worried he will go back to his old ways, and you worry for your siblings.

however understandable your reservations, im sure you do accept that if your father behaves acceptable, then there is no reason your parents should not be reconciled, and the evident happiness of your siblings shows there is an enthusiasm for him that might or might not last, but if it increase their happiness, and they are in a safe environment then it doesnt have to be a bad thing.

however you could also tell your siblings they can always drop over to you if they have any problems. no need to be too specific but just let them know its an option.

RealXT

Taltos

Since he's living with you I take it you are still at home.
Only one thing I can suggest OP - get the hell out of there now. Contact who you can - see about getting social housing or renting a bed sit but get out of that house now.

As you said this abuse continued for 20 years - do you really think it has suddenly all changed?
To protect yourself just get out - and be honest about it - "look I love you but I can never forgive you for the abuse and trauma you/he has put me through and despite loving you mum I cannot live under the same roof as my father."

LegacyUser

Hiya, OP here.

Thanks for the advice!

Xterminator, sorry for not clarifying, but I live at home.


Taltos, thanks a million. My plan is to move out. I've just started a new job and am just waiting til they give me some hours so that I can save to move out. My only issue then is that if I'm at home, I can handle it if my father flips again and hits me. If I move out however, there's a chance he could attack one of my siblings, even though the ones that still live at home, he has not hit before.

I'm trying to find a way to say it to my mother. I'm not comfortable talking to my father about it, because the one time I discussed it with him (I was crying and in a rage, to be fair to him, so not very rational), he told me he had never loved me and that I was a mistake. So I'm not willing to discuss it with him in case he gets into a rage. In the past, he went about 6 years without doing anything, from when I was 15, and then it happened again. So although he's been nice for several months, I truly don't believe it will last.

In my mind, the only way he can possibly have a chance of changing would be if he went to counselling for his anger issues, but he won't. I've been thinking about it all day and while I want to approach my mother over this, I'm starting to feel really resentful of her for getting back together with an abuser. No matter how much I love him, I haven't forgiven him and to be honest, I don't know if I can forgive her for taking him back.