Relationship - Second try!

LegacyUser

Hey everyone,

I have been going out with my GF for 14 months now and things are a little rocky now. We are both students going to the same college, both in very early twenties. Last year wasw obviously our first year together and it is both our first relationship. Everything was fine until we went back to college, we started to gradually spend all of our time together. Slowly we just kind of lost our friends and just spent all of our time together. Now this isnt healthy at all, you eventually end up fighting etc. We just became too dependent on eachother and didn't really have our own lives anymore. Now this was mostly my fault, I just became too needy and clingy, like if she went out with friends randomly or didnt come over when she said I would get upset, obviously so stupid now that I think of it.

This all came to a head a few weeks ago when we were out, she said she felt like she couldnt do anything without my 'approval' and I was smothering her etc. We are away from eachother for Summer and she said she needed some alone time to talk etc. At first the deperation and needy feelings sort of overwhelmed me. We eventually talked and she said she was leaning on the side of breaking up but she would talk to me in a week or so. At the time I was obviously very upset but I just delted all texts etc and got on with my stuff alone.

Over the next few days everything kind of hit me, I sort of had many realisations I realised that I lost a lot of my friends during the last year because I just wasnt interested in them anymore, my only focus in life was my gf. I didnt have any hobbies anymore really, didnt go to the gym /no socities etc like I used to. I just realised that all I had in life was my gf and that just isnt healthy. I started looking up stuff and supposedly this sort of needy/codependent relationship is quite common, especially for first relationships etc. After I realised all these issues, it just hit me that I want my friends back, I want to have fun with friends, go to the gym, do all those things again. It was like I came out of a cloud of thinking or something

Because we were so dependant on eachother I started becoming controlling, like if she smoked on a night out or something I would get really upset and stuff. I realise now that the controllling stuff wasnt the problem and it was all rooted from being too dependant on her and looseing a sense of myself. Such small little things I would get upset over and now I jsut see they are so silly and not worth losing a relationship over!!!

At this point, I had ;long conversations with my gf, gave her all I thought and what I was thinking now, she was very very surprised I was thinking like this now, all of a sudden I lost my needy/clinginess. I just got the opinion, 'Look I would like you to stay with me, I think we get on really well and would complement eachother, but if you need to be single, thats okay too'. And that's exactly how I felt, obviously I would be sad for a while if I was single, but not that kind of desperate/needy sadness, its hard to explain I also had a grudge on a previous friend of mine and I also decided to let that go, life is too short, it was ruining some relationships I had with mutual friends etc and was just not healthy anymore, people make mistakes, let sleeping dogs lie.

Late last week she decided we should give if another go, I genuinely believe she saw how much I have kind of changed in the past few weeks and my new way of thinking.

Anyway, I just want some feedback from you guys, how can we get back on track, become stronger etc, or if you think its doooomed :P? Maybe you feel my realisations are false and hiding my true feelings Even though i do really feel like I have turned a corner of sorts, I am afraid that I will just change back to 'previous' me but I just dont want to, I like the idea of having my life and me and my gf time too:) Its sort of easier now because we are forced apart and will be harder back in college. Change doesn't happen over night! But what I need to do is just enjoy my life, get new activities, go out with friends etc and enjoy the time with my gf too. Just balance my life more. If I get any needy feelings back, just take myself out of the situation and think about things logically.

I've always been given good advice here before so I thought why now

Lorna123

advice_guy wrote: »

Hey everyone,

But what I need to do is just enjoy my life, get new activities, go out with friends etc and enjoy the time with my gf too. Just balance my life more. If I get any needy feelings back, just take myself out of the situation and think about things logically.

I've always been given good advice here before so I thought why now

Congratulations OP you have turned a corner and you have handled this situation very well indeed. You got what you wanted and you now realize yourself how to make a relationship better. I don't think you need any help here at all, but if you want feedback then I think you are pretty smart. Well done !

soul_jd

wow man, i think im in pretty much the same boat as you.. i feel the exact same thing is happening with my girlfriend.. were falling apart, im starting to think she dosnt care for me as much, mostly because weve become too dependant on each other, and the idea of losing her would kill me, all i want is for her to be happy and just for us to be in a relationship where we both have our own lives, reading that gave me some bit of hope anyway, your a smart guy, i wish i had that sort of know how to overcome all of this, its good to know that im not alone anyway, because pretty much the exact same situation happened with me, we broke up for about a day and got back, and then she told me why we broke up, and basically said, i was controlling, she felt she needed my permission to go see her friends, to do anything basically, and that really hurt me.

it wasnt my intention to make her feel that way, i only ever wanted her to be happy. guess i was so oblivious to how i really was.

i hope you and your girlfriend work out this time buddy.

LegacyUser

soul_jd wrote: »

wow man, i think im in pretty much the same boat as you.. i feel the exact same thing is happening with my girlfriend.. were falling apart, im starting to think she dosnt care for me as much, mostly because weve become too dependant on each other, and the idea of losing her would kill me, all i want is for her to be happy and just for us to be in a relationship where we both have our own lives, reading that gave me some bit of hope anyway, your a smart guy, i wish i had that sort of know how to overcome all of this, its good to know that im not alone anyway, because pretty much the exact same situation happened with me, we broke up for about a day and got back, and then she told me why we broke up, and basically said, i was controlling, she felt she needed my permission to go see her friends, to do anything basically, and that really hurt me.

it wasnt my intention to make her feel that way, i only ever wanted her to be happy. guess i was so oblivious to how i really was.

i hope you and your girlfriend work out this time buddy.

Yeah man, basically the same as me. I think it is actually quite common. What really REALLY helped was basically a week with NO contact whatsoever, its very hard first few days but you start to really think about things - if even subconsciously. But dont think I am fixed or anything near it, this is all recent to me and I hope I am on the right track, not being too sure about it!

Definitly try the no contact, it was my GF who did it, she knew she could think clearly without contact (To be honest I think women are a few years ahead in emotional know-how, but thats another thing entirely!).

Also, there are tons and TONS of self-help stuff on the net that is amazing, just keep away from Cosmo articles or crap like that.

Hope it goes well for you!

soul_jd

advice_guy wrote: »

Yeah man, basically the same as me. I think it is actually quite common. What really REALLY helped was basically a week with NO contact whatsoever, its very hard first few days but you start to really think about things - if even subconsciously. But dont think I am fixed or anything near it, this is all recent to me and I hope I am on the right track, not being too sure about it!

Definitly try the no contact, it was my GF who did it, she knew she could think clearly without contact (To be honest I think women are a few years ahead in emotional know-how, but thats another thing entirely!).

Also, there are tons and TONS of self-help stuff on the net that is amazing, just keep away from Cosmo articles or crap like that.

Hope it goes well for you!

Thanks man! I think I might take that into consideration and see how things go, cheers for the advice buddy, appreciate it.

LegacyUser

So guys, any more feedback? Anyone else have issues like this an can relate?

chinesedoll

I think you made the right decision and while a loving relationship is wonderful and fulfilling, none of us can depend on one person for our happiness and fulfillment in life. It comes from all the different strands on the web of life! Yes, cheesy but true. Family, friends, partner, hobbies all contribute and it was good that you realised this and let her know while you both still had a chance at a relationship. It shows a maturity that a lot of people in your position might not have. Good luck with it, I hope everything works out well for you