MIL pressuring us over wedding gift

loveisdivine

My brother in law is getting married soon and my partner and I decided we would spend between €80-100 on them for a gift.

A couple of weeks ago my mother in law asked my partner how much money we were giving them. She asked him while I wasnt there. She basically said that €100 is not enough, and for a family member we should be giving €250. The other half said no, we cant afford that much, we can afford €100. She wasnt too hapyp about it but left it alone.

I should say that I'm English, and its customary there to give gifts for a wedding, not hard cash. Or if you do give cash you give whatever you can afford. There isnt that expectation that people here seem to have, that you will get hundreds of euro from each guest.

Anyway after she left it alone for a few days, she has since started bringing it up all the time, telling us that their neighbours are giving them €150 so we should be at least giving more than that.
Yesterday she brought it up infront of me, the OH and his other brother (who MIL has convinced to give €250). This really upset me, as I think that its absolutely no business of hers how much money we give. Its our money and we know what we can afford. I'm not going to be pressured into giving more. MIL likes to try and control my other half a lot and I see this as another attempt at trying to control him. Their is no respect for that fact that we are an engaged couple who live together and that WE make decisions about these kind of things, not her and the other half.

We dont see the brother thats getting married often, as him and my other half dont really get along. We are not close at all. Infact quite the opposite.

So, am I over reacting? There is no way we will give more than we can afford, but next time she brings it up I dont know whther to ignore her, or let her know how much she is upsetting me by putting this pressure on us.

Squiggler

Your OH should NEVER have told his mother how much you were planning on giving as a gift. Hopefully he will learn from this and next time she will simply be told that it is none of her business.

But, what's done is done.

As to what to do now... well, that is really up to you. In your shoes I would be extremely tempted to skip giving money and buy them a gift instead. That way there can be no further discussion of how much money is enough. That's if I could still bring myself to go to the wedding at all. I can't stand that kind of drama.

BTW, I'm Irish and I've never come across this "minimum financial donation" rubbish in relation to family weddings, or weddings of friends for that matter. I guess I'm just lucky.

montzarella

I am irish and have heard about this minimum wedding gift amount for family before, total rubbish though if you ask me. One of my friends to me that her mother expected her to give up on €1,000 to her brother when he got married!! Yes, ONE THOUSAND!!!!!

A MIL like this should be told very little, in fact nothing, about anything financial. That is between you and your other half and is confidential between you both.

I would refuse all further talk on the matter and go and buy them a gift. If necessary, if this is raised again, tell them that you are uncomfortable discussing this any further, financial matters are between you and your other half only and then politely move on and change the subject.

loveisdivine

Thanks for the quick response.

To be honest its not the first time she has tried to dictate how much we spend. She told the OH he had to spend a minimum of fifty euro on a a present for his neice before. It annoys me that she talks to him about it, like I have nothing to do with it!

The present route is a good idea, I'm gonna suggest it to other half.

Its good to hear this minimum amount thing doesnt happen everywhere. I have read wuite a few threads on the wedding forum and it seems that a lot of people do buy into the whole thing though. MIL and her circle of friends definitely do.

We have already said when we get married next year we dont want that kind of money from anyone. It wouldnt feel right accepting €200 or more from someone, just because they feel they have too, and its too much money anyway.

OP you're not over reacting. Tell your OH in no uncertain terms that you'll be ignoring his mother's demands.

Give 100 euro and feel generous, because that's what it is.

The idea that you're required to pay €250 to go to an event that you've been invited to is ridiculous. It's not an audience with the Queen. If minimum donations were the case, a lot of people would be having to choose between going to this wedding or paying their rent and having food for the week. Ridiculous.

username123

Tell her that you stopped taking instruction on gift giving when you were still a child and as an adult you do not appreciate someone trying to extort cash out of you.

Honestly, I cannot believe that someone is interfering in your life - FINANCIALLY!!! Tell her to get lost! She can give whatever amount she likes, but she has no right to dictate to you how much to give, or indeed to give at all, giving a gift is a choice, not a requirement!

Incidentally, none of my in laws gave myself and my husband any gift when we married. Different people do different things.

Moonbeam

Tell her one thing and do another
It really is none of her business.

Toast4532

You are not overreacting. Your partner needs to tell his mother to keep her snout out and mind her own business. What you give and what value it has is nobody's business but yours.

As for the bride and groom, if they have any problems with what you give or the value of your gift, tell them you spent what you could afford and if they don't like it, tough.

Would the MIL or bride/groom, give more money than they could afford? I assume not, so they shouldn't expect it from others.

In future tell the in - law's nothing about your business, financial or otherwise.

tinkerbell

Tell her to get lost. She is COMPLETELY out of line by demanding you give X amount of cash to your BIL. That is ridiculous!! And completely rude and obnoxious. This whole giving €50 worth of present to his niece too is ridiculous - kids should NEVER get that much for their birthday.

Big Bag of Chips

When she next says - "I think you should give him xxx.." just say - "do you? Ok". and leave it at that.

You are not saying you will, or you won't... but you are acknowledging that she thinks you should give him x amount.

She can hardly argue with that!

MissFlitworth

Do the bride & groom know that his mam is going around canvassing people as to what they're giving (including neighbours! Such bad form) If they're not equally vulgar they'd probably be pure scarlet and tell her to knock it on the head were they to find out...

solerina

Different families view weddings differently, my friend got married last month and said she was embarassed by her family as their gifts added up to 400 euro between about 20 people (all of whom can afford to give generously...apparently), while her new husbands family gifts amounted to approx 4000 from less people(of similar means).....I wasnt sure why she was telling me and told her to be grateful that she got gifts at all.....she didnt take this very well !!!.................so OP give whet you can afford and forget about what others think !!

leeroybrown

solerina wrote: »

she was embarassed by her family as their gifts added up to 400 euro between about 20 people (all of whom can afford to give generously...apparently)

In fairness she's got an excellent point. I wouldn't be willing to turn up to anyone's wedding with a gift of only €20 per head unless I was in seriously bad circumstances. The €20 wouldn't even come close to covering the cost of the meal let alone, arrival reception, wine, etc. They're basically turning up for a free party at the bride's expense. Seriously bad show!

loveisdivine

leeroybrown wrote: »

In fairness she's got an excellent point. I wouldn't be willing to turn up to anyone's wedding with a gift of only €20 per head unless I was in seriously bad circumstances. The €20 wouldn't even come close to covering the cost of the meal let alone, arrival reception, wine, etc. They're basically turning up for a free party at the bride's expense. Seriously bad show!

MIL also brought up this point, saying that you're supposed to cover the cost of the food! Utterly ridiculous. If a couple decide to get married then they pay for it, they dont charge it back to their guests. I made this point in the weddings forum the other day.

The guests attending my wedding next year will be showing up for a free event at mine and my OH's expense. Because we are the ones that decided to get married and we want those people there.

You'd think some people consider their weddings to be ticketed events. Why should any guest pay for food that they've not chosen, entertainment that they've not chosen and could well not like?

Thanks for the replies everyone, I knew we couldnt be the only ones that thought this was outrageous.

We dont discuss a lot with her anyway in general, but this has reminded us to keep our lips tightly shut.

leeroybrown

loveisdivine wrote: »

MIL also brought up this point, saying that you're supposed to cover the cost of the food! Utterly ridiculous. If a couple decide to get married then they pay for it, they dont charge it back to their guests. I made this point in the weddings forum the other day.

Oh, I agree that your MIL is being a complete tool and if I found out my MIL was forcing people to increase their gifts I'd be fairly pissed off. It's just a personal opinion that given that I'm not too badly off it would be extremely tight to turn up for a friend's wedding with a gift so small that I'm leaving them with a big debt for their big day.

loveisdivine

Yeah I get what you're saying and if you can afford it then I guess its no big deal.

I just dont like it cos it seems like most people only do it cos they feel they have too not because they really want to be that generous to the couple.

Like I know that my others half brother (the one not getting married) is only giving them €250 because thats what they got from them for their wedding and because MIL said they should give the same amount back.
In reality they have had to save up that money, on top of flying 3 poeple over from Canada, and like us they dont even really get along with them.

I think its just the expectations around it that annoy me, aswell as MIL's behaviour.

username123

leeroybrown wrote: »

In fairness she's got an excellent point. I wouldn't be willing to turn up to anyone's wedding with a gift of only €20 per head unless I was in seriously bad circumstances. The €20 wouldn't even come close to covering the cost of the meal let alone, arrival reception, wine, etc. They're basically turning up for a free party at the bride's expense. Seriously bad show!

Yes, thats what a wedding reception is, the bride and groom invite the amount of people they can afford to throw a party for. You do not invite guests on the basis that they cover their own costs. The clue is in the word 'guest' - when you are invited as a guest you dont pay.

leeroybrown

username123 wrote: »

Yes, thats what a wedding reception is, the bride and groom invite the amount of people they can afford to throw a party for. You do not invite guests on the basis that they cover their own costs. The clue is in the word 'guest' - when you are invited as a guest you dont pay.

And there's another etiquette attached to weddings called a gift. Those who attend are traditionally expected to bring one. I'm not one for turning up with an open hand or a closed wallet. We're getting quite off topic here so I'm going to depart the thread.

username123

leeroybrown wrote: »

And there's another etiquette attached to weddings called a gift. Those who attend are traditionally expected to bring one. I'm not one for turning up with an open hand or a closed wallet. We're getting quite off topic here so I'm going to depart the thread.

Yes - gift. A toaster or a teapot or a bedding set to help set them up on their new life. Where is it written that you hand over cash to the amount to cover your costs?

Sittingpretty

I don't think you are over reacting at all.

I don't believe in giving adults money as a gift AT ALL and the Irish attitude of inviting enough people to cover the cost of your wedding is crass. Have the wedding you can afford and don't expect your guests to pay for it.

Your husband should tell his mother to mind her own business and that you will give what you both consider appropriate or affordable be that cash or a gift.

chubchub

Sorry to throw the cat amongst the pigeons here but I would be inclined to agree with your mIl. If I'm invited to a wedding for workmate, far out cousin or someone I'm not close to and turn down invite then I would give that person 100. If its wedding of friend I'm going to I would give 150-200 and if it was one of our brothers and sisters and close family I would be giving 400-500 for that. I don't think its unreasonable. its start of their married life together and your family. Same goes for someone moving into first home etc. I appreciate money might be tight but as soon as they got engaged you could start saving. That said if you don't agree that is of course your choice op and I'm not sure you mil should keep pushing things but would agree with her personally. Sorry op.

ibarelycare

chubchub wrote: »

Sorry to throw the cat amongst the pigeons here but I would be inclined to agree with your mIl. If I'm invited to a wedding for workmate, far out cousin or someone I'm not close to and turn down invite then I would give that person 100. If its wedding of friend I'm going to I would give 150-200 and if it was one of our brothers and sisters and close family I would be giving 400-500 for that. I don't think its unreasonable. its start of their married life together and your family. Same goes for someone moving into first home etc. I appreciate money might be tight but as soon as they got engaged you could start saving. That said if you don't agree that is of course your choice op and I'm not sure you mil should keep pushing things but would agree with her personally. Sorry op.

That's all well and good if you can afford it, but plenty of people can't. To expect people to start saving for a wedding present as soon as a family member gets engaged is absolutely ridiculous. People getting married is THEIR choice, why should other people feel the need to contribute to it?

Lollipops23

chubchub wrote: »

Sorry to throw the cat amongst the pigeons here but I would be inclined to agree with your mIl. If I'm invited to a wedding for workmate, far out cousin or someone I'm not close to and turn down invite then I would give that person 100. If its wedding of friend I'm going to I would give 150-200 and if it was one of our brothers and sisters and close family I would be giving 400-500 for that. I don't think its unreasonable. its start of their married life together and your family. Same goes for someone moving into first home etc. I appreciate money might be tight but as soon as they got engaged you could start saving. That said if you don't agree that is of course your choice op and I'm not sure you mil should keep pushing things but would agree with her personally. Sorry op.

I don't agree- it's nice that you can afford and want to give that much, but it's not up to you to dictate how much is "normal". As OP said, she's saving for her own wedding (so guests won't have to "cover their costs") so she doesn't have money to burn. Are they not meant to attend because they can only spend €100? Mental.

OP your MIL sounds like a dragon. It's not her place at all to be a) interfering with your financial affairs and b) meddling with people's wedding gifts to her son.

chubchub

Lollipops23 wrote: »

chubchub wrote: »

Sorry to throw the cat amongst the pigeons here but I would be inclined to agree with your mIl. If I'm invited to a wedding for workmate, far out cousin or someone I'm not close to and turn down invite then I would give that person 100. If its wedding of friend I'm going to I would give 150-200 and if it was one of our brothers and sisters and close family I would be giving 400-500 for that. I don't think its unreasonable. its start of their married life together and your family. Same goes for someone moving into first home etc. I appreciate money might be tight but as soon as they got engaged you could start saving. That said if you don't agree that is of course your choice op and I'm not sure you mil should keep pushing things but would agree with her personally. Sorry op.

I don't agree- it's nice that you can afford and want to give that much, but it's not up to you to dictate how much is "normal". As OP said, she's saving for her own wedding (so guests won't have to "cover their costs") so she doesn't have money to burn. Are they not meant to attend because they can only spend €100? Mental.

OP your MIL sounds like a dragon. It's not her place at all to be a) interfering with your financial affairs and b) meddling with people's wedding gifts to her son.

Firstly your putting alot of words into my mouth. I didn't say that they shouldn't attend also I don't set the norms fo. Expected. Amongst all my friends etc 150-200 is the norm and for families and bridal party its generally expected its more.I do not make these rules. I'm well aware op is saving for her own wedding and having only got married in last two year's I know how hard that is, also I have to save to give those amounts but that's effort I feel worth making. I have four weddings this year and I've been saving hard to cover these. In same way last year two family members had communions and close friend. I was told by close friend that 50 is normal for families and friends and 20 for everyone else. From speaking to work colleauges they all had same story. I think its silly amount for child so young and would rather not have paid but I did cause that's what you do out of sign of respect more than anything. I think your all being a bit hard on mil, I doubt her reasons for giving this amount are bad, I'm sure like me she's gives it out of respect for friends and family. She however shouldn't cause a fight over it she has mad her point. I'm sure op she is going to do same for your wedding!

chubchub

ibarelycare wrote: »

chubchub wrote: »

Sorry to throw the cat amongst the pigeons here but I would be inclined to agree with your mIl. If I'm invited to a wedding for workmate, far out cousin or someone I'm not close to and turn down invite then I would give that person 100. If its wedding of friend I'm going to I would give 150-200 and if it was one of our brothers and sisters and close family I would be giving 400-500 for that. I don't think its unreasonable. its start of their married life together and your family. Same goes for someone moving into first home etc. I appreciate money might be tight but as soon as they got engaged you could start saving. That said if you don't agree that is of course your choice op and I'm not sure you mil should keep pushing things but would agree with her personally. Sorry op.

That's all well and good if you can afford it, but plenty of people can't. To expect people to start saving for a wedding present as soon as a family member gets engaged is absolutely ridiculous. People getting married is THEIR choice, why should other people feel the need to contribute to it?

I'm well aware its their choice in the same way its people choice to have children people choices to have cars blah blah and so on and so forth.I personally don't think its ridiculous and maybe if people saved more they might be better prepared. So by your logic then if one of your friends has a baby you won't buy a gift as their choice or same if invited to a christening or if someone holds a birthday party will you show up empy handed because it was their choice to have these events and kids etc etc Now that is ridiculous statement!!

EricPraline

leeroybrown wrote: »

They're basically turning up for a free party at the bride's expense.

With respect, that's exactly what a wedding is. A party at the expense of the bride and groom. In general, most parties are paid for by their organisers, rather than by the attendees.

OP it sounds like this has been a painful lesson learned. Ask your husband never to discuss your joint finances with his family again. Also ask him to bluntly explain to the MIL that her advice is unwanted. Otherwise this will persist in future. It would be even more unpleasant if the MIL decided to continue this behaviour in future - e.g. imposing her opinions on the financial aspects of rearing a child.

username123

chubchub wrote: »

also I don't set the norms

I dont feel the need to do the same thing as everyone else. I grew out of peer pressure years ago. I dont go with so called 'norms', I make my own mind up about my own financial affairs and what I deem appropriate as a gift for someone.

chubchub

username123 wrote: »

chubchub wrote: »

also I don't set the norms

I dont feel the need to do the same thing as everyone else. I grew out of peer pressure years ago. I dont go with so called 'norms', I make my own mind up about my own financial affairs and what I deem appropriate as a gift for someone.

My comment was directed lo lollipops23 who accused me of that. Please get down off your high horse and don't take part comments out of context. I agree with other user who left cause of your inability to have a discussion.

Okay this isn't a discussion on weddings and gifts in general and I think the OP is happy enough about what course of action to take so I will lock this

OP if you need further advice PM any of the mods and we can re open

chub chub if you have a problem with a post please report it, and remember to read our charter re: giving helpful advice to OP. this is not for arguments and general discussion