Getting Back Together??

Independent12

Hi all
I need some advice.

I am 29 years old, female. I got married when I was 25 but we broke up at the end of last year.

This is as brief as possible a summary;
We met when we were 18, we are from near enough each other. It was amazing for the first couple of years, just felt like we were meant to be together etc. etc. Before we got married we lived together in Dublin but he worked in construction and a good few months before we got married he lost his job. He never looked for a new one. Although I would look up jobs and send him the number he rarely rang. He started spending more and more time on the other side of the country, spending time doing his hobby. During this time we got married and there was no doubts or anything like that, the day was perfect and felt "right".

Anyway, he ended up getting part time work giving lessons in his hobby. I was basically working away and living in Dublin pretty much alone, he would come up for a few days here and there.

Looking back I cannot for the life of me understand what we were doing and how it got so far. I think I gradually stopped caring and stopped missing him. At the beginning of him being away from me I would cry on the phone and tell him I missed him but he told me once that just because we were married it was not a fairy tale.

Anyway, we would meet at weekends and would stay in his parents house. I completely went off sex and wasn't happy to see him at the weekends. He totally hated this and things just got worse and worse and worse and we ended up breaking up. We did go for counselling but I think it was too late and the counsellor was not great. He had a huge amount of anger towards me for making him feel unwanted sexually and I was angry for him not wanting us to live together even though we were married!!!! He thinks I am too concerned about money but I wanted a husband who wanted to work and provide for his family (I come from a poor family so I suppose that influences me in that way).

We didn't have much contact for a good few months. Lately he has begun texting me mostly telling me he is down and asking my advice on what he should do with his life (he is still working part time teaching his hobby in the same place he moved away to). I am working away and I have gone to counselling and I am in a much better place mentally. But I am still so lonely. I want a family and my own home. We were supposed to build a house on a site I got from my father. He would have done most of the work. I wonder if that had happened would it have given him purpose and would I have been proud of him then and would it have redressed the imbalance.

Friends of mine can't believe we split up and one in particular seems to think we should be back together and that its very hard to meet someone these days etc. etc. All the things I enjoy doing he would too - going hiking, cooking, eating out, travelling etc. I feel like it is a waste for me to be on my own as I feel I have so much love to offer!

Sorry for the long post.

I suppose my question is - could it ever work again or has too much happened? Will we always be angry with eachother for what happened and will he ever be the person I fell in love with (he kind of turned into a "waster" when he moved away from me, started smoking hash all the time etc. and I'm just not into that).

Thanks

Lorna123

I can't understand why your husband stayed off on the other side of the country when he was newly married. That should never have happened. I don't think he should have wanted it to happen either. It is not like he had a great job to go to and even if he had then you could have gone with him. Living separate lives at the start of a marriage is a very bad sign. I can thoroughly understand how you would not want to have sex with him in his parents house and especially when he was making no effort to move in with you again. I don't think you should try and get back with this man just because you want a partner and have children. I don't think he is the man for you. I think at 29 you have enough time to find someone new. I would not want to be with someone who smoked hash. I really think you can do better than him. Join lots of activities and you will meet someone new. I would not entertain having this man back at all. He had his chance and he blew it.

Independent12

Thanks Lorna123

I know what you are saying and part of me feels the same way.
But I suppose my anger has gone and I can see that both of us made mistakes. Instead of trying to sort out the problem I pushed him away and made him feel rejected because I was hurting so much.

He is not a bad person and I don't hate him and I think I still love him and surely that is something after everything? I am not being so clinical as to say I want to have babies so I'll get him back - he did have a lot of good points - he was always extremely honest with me, we never lied to eachother and trusted eachother completely, he made me laugh, he was good with children, I brought him to all my work things and he would chat away and get on with everyone, he wasn't one of these men who just watches sport all day, he didn't put his friends before me, if we were out and his friends were there he would still dance with me and we would be laughing our heads off. He was sweet and thoughtful and would leave me little notes, we had the same interests - cooking, travelling, hiking etc.

I just look around at the relationships of people I know and I think what we had was so much better and I wonder will I regret us not staying together.

A friend of mine is getting married next year and I know from her that she thinks the relationship I had was better than hers. She is always telling me how hard it is to meet someone once you approach 30 and that people just end up with someone they previously would not have went near and who isn't right for them because they want to get married and have a house and babies.

I have joined activities and met new people but there has not been so much as a hint of anything romantic happening with anyone!!!

I'm so confused and don't know what to do!!!

Piliger

HI OP. Firstly ... please forget all that guff about being old ! OMG you are not even 30 and that is nothing nowadays.

Also try to stop comparing your relationship with other people's. That leads to no where but bitter disappointment.

This is a difficult one for others to advise on because what matters is how you feel about this man. If you are yearning for him because you fear being left alone than this is a BAD BAD thing. If you are yearning for him because you are married and you still care for him ... then that is not the greatest reason ... but it is something.

There are no rules in this situation. There is no rule to say you can't get back. But you need to be very very cautious about considering it, and really reflect on what the reasons are.

I see only one workable reason - if you love him.

If you chose to explore the possibility then please start from the very beginning. Go for a date. ONLY a date. Dinner or a coffee. Continue to do this for a while, while you suss out how you feel and whether this guy has changed AT ALL. Please don't get drawn into sleeping together and sliding back into old ways. Otherwise the same old things will happen and the same old things will lead to the same destination as last time..... except you will waste another 5 years of your life.

Best of luck !

Lorna123

Independent12 wrote: »

Thanks Lorna123

I know what you are saying and part of me feels the same way.
But I suppose my anger has gone and I can see that both of us made mistakes. Instead of trying to sort out the problem I pushed him away and made him feel rejected because I was hurting so much.

He is not a bad person and I don't hate him and I think I still love him and surely that is something after everything? I am not being so clinical as to say I want to have babies so I'll get him back - he did have a lot of good points - he was always extremely honest with me, we never lied to eachother and trusted eachother completely, he made me laugh, he was good with children, I brought him to all my work things and he would chat away and get on with everyone, he wasn't one of these men who just watches sport all day, he didn't put his friends before me, if we were out and his friends were there he would still dance with me and we would be laughing our heads off. He was sweet and thoughtful and would leave me little notes, we had the same interests - cooking, travelling, hiking etc.

I just look around at the relationships of people I know and I think what we had was so much better and I wonder will I regret us not staying together.

A friend of mine is getting married next year and I know from her that she thinks the relationship I had was better than hers. She is always telling me how hard it is to meet someone once you approach 30 and that people just end up with someone they previously would not have went near and who isn't right for them because they want to get married and have a house and babies.

I have joined activities and met new people but there has not been so much as a hint of anything romantic happening with anyone!!!

I'm so confused and don't know what to do!!!

Could you have a chat with him and let each of you discuss where you feel you both went wrong in the relationship and see if you are both willing to put more of an effort into it. See if he is prepared to get a job so that you can both live together. I suppose having a meet up and having a chat cannot do any harm. I am sure you know him well enough to know if he is genuine at this stage or not. You could give it one last try if you both agree on the same things. I am sure you would know after 6 months together whether it is going to work or not and if not then separate again for good. Best of Lucky OP.

dellas1979

What has changed?

Doesnt matter how great he was through those rose tinted glasses of yours-I suppose the long and short of it is is will the same issues you and he had still be there? Are you still expecting him (or you) to change, and is it realistic?

Independent12

Thanks guys for the replies!
Ah I don't know what to do!! He is very down and very much feeling sorry for himself.
I suppose I will probably meet him for lunch next weekend and see how I feel when talking to him. He hasn't said he wants to get back together but did say in one text that he misses me.
I suppose either way its a risk and I'll never really know what is best.

Piliger

Independent12 wrote: »

I suppose either way its a risk and I'll never really know what is best.

I think you will OP. But only in time. I think you are doing the right thing. After all you shared a lot before and if he is actually just reaching out for help at a bad time - then it is good that you can offer a listening ear. Just approach the whole thing with caution.

Independent12

Yes, I do feel a certain urge to take him and look after him and sort out all his problems for him! But is this a healthy basis for a relationship?
Or should he be able to sort himself out on his own? I suppose the break up and all that surprised me in a way in that ultimately it showed me that I am the stronger one. And maybe I don't want to be the stronger one, maybe I am traditional and want the man to be the strong one??
I do think he is a good person, he is honest and decent and sensitive. And I wonder if what happened was just immaturity on his part and if we got back together and were at the stage of building a house and starting a family would he rise to the challenge and get a job etc. Or will he never get a "proper" job and will that always grate on me and cause tension and I won't respect him and that leads me to withdraw sexually and then he feels rejected and then it is just a vicious circle...........

Sounds to me like you, understandably, are getting a little worried about meeting someone as you approach 30...a very hard age imo. (its not that bad the other side)

My simple question would be this. Whats changed to show that his behaviours would change in the future? Has he made any effort to get work? Has he seen a doctor about any possible depression? Has he stopped feeling sorry for himself and been pro-active? Doesn't sound like much has changed to me.

You sound like a good person. You will meet someone else but not if you are only paying attention to your ex. What new guy wants a girl with ex-issues? If you made mistakes, learn from them. If he contacts you in 6 months and has changed his life and has some realisations about his errors, then go or a coffee and see if there's any hope. Otherwise just move on.

This was your first proper relationship and break-up....probably the hardest thing you will go through this side of 50. And don't worry about friends' views. Things from the outside look rosier.

Best of luck OP! :-)

Independent12

Thanks geeby
I know so many people who "can't" meet anyone and are around my age.
If it's so easy to meet someone why is this?
A friend of mine tells me that I was so lucky to meet one person and fall so much in love with them and that the chances of it happening again are slim. And I see so many people wanting to meet someone but it's not happening!

hi op, i have never been married but i did live with someone for years, and have had a few boyfriends, including since i hit the 'wrong' side of 30!!

BTW, i love being in my 30's, far happier in myself, i recommend it!

im just wondering if your thoughts are running away with themselves here, your ex is feeling down, he misses you, he clearly wants someone to make him feel better, maybe thats all it is?

he hasnt said he wants to get back together, maybe just meet him as you would any friend who is feeling down. i wouldnt get carried away with thinking about getting back together, it may not be an issue here at all.

Independent12

Yeah bubblypop you could very well be right. If he wasn't feeling down he probably wouldn't be texting me at all.
Then again, I suppose missing me and wanting me back might make him feel down.
Anyway I will just meet him as a friend as see then.
But probably best to move on romantically, so hopefully will meet someone!
Thanks

Dellnum

It is definitely hard to meet someone special but it is not impossible. You are having some doubts here so that comes across to me like you want to settle for this man because you feel he is your best option and you might not get better. You are far too young to feel like that.

johnr1

Didnt you post this story a few months ago under a different/same username?
If I'm wrong, sorry, but I remember you getting loads of very good advice in that thread.

LegacyUser

Do not get back together with this man.
After losing his job he should have been looking for a another job near to where you were in Dublin and you could have both rented a place together.
No wonder you went off sex when after working a week in Dublin he expected you to have sex in his parents home or to have sex with you in Dublin when he came up to you.
Why did he not treat you to a night in a nice hotel an odd time?
You were honest and told him that you wanted a home and family. You told him that it was important that he was in a position to contribute to this. Any woman getting married who wanted a family in the future would want the same.
He is now living at home, smoking weed and feeling sorry for himself and this is why he is in contact with you. He expects you to come along and make things better for him.
If he is living at home still I am sure his parents have been making comments about the fact that he is married and what is going on between you also.
I would meet him and tell him that you are not getting back together. Tell him that he was happy enough for you both to live apart when he should have been looking for a job in Dublin to be near you. I also say to him that your were honest about wanting a home and family in the future but he took no notice of this. I would also tell him that you don't want a marriage with you both in different part of the country, having sex in his parents house and him being fine with things the way they are. I know you were with him for a long time but at stage it is time for this man to grow up and realise things are over between you.
You will meet someone who treats you well and who wants the same things as you but your husband is not this man.
I know several couples who were in a similar position to you. One couple got married and spent each weekend together or they worked extra hours during the week to have a Fri or Monday off. Eventually one of them got a job close to the other so they are together full time now.
All relationships require give and take but if you do nothing but give you end up unhappy.
You have tried hard to make this relationship work but he has to want to do the same and his actions over the past few years tell me he is unwilling to put the in effort to do this.

username123

Op I think I remember you posting here before about this, before the marriage actually broke up?

Anyway, heres my 2 cent. I dont think you should get back with him because nothing has changed. You cant fix another person. You want him to have motivation and purpose and to be a good husband because that would complement all the other aspects of him that you love and enjoy. He knows all of this, yet he let the marriage end.

You want to be with the him that you want him to be, as opposed to the him that he is. You say things like maybe this would give him motivation, maybe that would - but ultimately it has to come from within a person, happiness does not come from the outside.

Sure, you had lovely aspects to your relationship, you would have had to have had, because otherwise you wouldnt have bothered sticking around at all. But this man followed his hobby instead of his wife. Why would that be different now?

Its complete rubbish that at 30 you are getting on and wont meet anyone and that there is only one person you would have big love with. Ive a friend in his 70s who hooked up with a young chick of 62 - love doesnt respect age!

In fact, I see it now among my own friends, new crops of people appear on the scene from marriages or relationships that break up. You yourself are an example of that. If a lovely woman like you is single why wouldnt there be a lovely man for her out there?

The worst thing you could do to yourself would be to settle for someone rather than be alone. Please dont do that.

I also think you should cut contact with him. By contacting you and telling you his woes he is not letting you move on and is acting the part of the psychological vampire, sucking out of your emotions. Dont entertain him.

Ellsbells

Yeah I remember your previous posts - he is a psychological vampire (great expression) and you should run a mile

Independent12

Hi all, thank you very much for the posts especially for the last few. Yes, I did post before around the time we were breaking up.
But I am feeling alot different now and the situation has changed and that's why I posted again.
In my head I know ye are probably right and I need to move on. Just fear holding me back I think and of course I still feel something for him.
I really appreciate all the replies.

username123

Its ok to still feel something for someone you loved, we are not robots, we dont switch love on and off. But you came to a situation that was intolerable with him and and as a result you decided to end your marriage completely.

There doesnt seem to be any evidence that anything has changed for him and you seem to pity him for the situation he is in and how he feels. Pity is not love. Youd never have a relationship of equals by hooking up with someone you pity. Keeping the contact open is not healthy for you.

Its a scary place to be, single at your age after a marriage where you had great chemistry with the person. But you know what, give it a year, see how you go. You will learn to love it, its just scary at first. I was older than you are now when I met my now husband.

Piliger

Independent12 wrote: »

Hi all, thank you very much for the posts especially for the last few. Yes, I did post before around the time we were breaking up.
But I am feeling alot different now and the situation has changed and that's why I posted again.
In my head I know ye are probably right and I need to move on. Just fear holding me back I think and of course I still feel something for him.
I really appreciate all the replies.

OP - you yourself have said that you have changed. So does it stretch the imagination that he may have changed too ?

You won't find out without meeting him. And you may regret it the rest of your life.

Moving on and ending relationships prematurely and throwing them in the dustbin is easy for people to say when they don't have to live it. In real life many many relationships are repaired happily.

Independent12

I probably will meet him, for lunch this weekend, as I have told him I will.
But tbh I don't expect him to have changed. I don't expect him to come to me and say he realises he made mistakes and that he was wrong to move away and that he understands why I became so cold. I don't expect him to say he wants us to live together and that he will get a job where I am and that he wants to start building our house. In fact I would die of shock if he said any of the above!!! So without acknowledgement on his side of what happened my head is telling me there is no hope (I already told him I know I was wrong to become so cold and push him away, I already told him I wanted to give living together a go months back and he refused).

Piliger

Best of luck OP. I think you are approaching it exactly right.

Stavro Mueller

I’m 99.9% sure I found your original post from Nov 11 and I’m gobsmacked at his complete and utter selfishness, not to mention his lack of respect for you and disregard for your feelings.

Now I’m not saying you definitely shouldn’t get back with your husband but I am worried that you’ll do so for all the wrong reasons. You seem to be seeing what you want to see, rather than how things are in reality. You sound like you’re desperately lonely and are terrified that you’ll never meet someone else and will be left on the shelf. Stop listening to the guff your friends are coming out with and how wonderful they think your relationship was :mad: You’re also grieving for the life you think you could’ve had with your husband had he only kept up his side of the bargain.

The cold reality here is that rather than getting cracking on building a house for the both of you to live in and trying to get home to his wife as much as he could, your husband chose to continue living on the other side of the country. For 3 years??? With no effort to find work closer to home or to get home to spend more time with his wife?

Don’t let him boil all of this down to sex. If I’m right about you being the person who posted last year, he went mental because you didn’t want to go upstairs with him for sex, went back to where he lives without saying goodbye and disappeared for quite a while. Sex is great but it isn’t the be all and end all of any relationship. Sex isn't an entitlement but is part of a loving relationship.

It doesn’t surprise me that he’s texting you and going on about how miserable he is. He sounds quite self-centred and that’s something you should bear in mind. Who else would he turn to because he’s feeling sorry for himself? His missus who he knows still has feelings for him. The woman who indulged him while he mostly lived the carefree life of a single man during the week. Be on your guard and be aware that he may be trying to manipulate you. He knows your soft spots and how to push your buttons.

If you do decide to give it another try, you need to lay down some ground rules. Perhaps you need to change some things but he will have to pull up his socks and prove that he's serious about giving things a proper go. The biggie is that this carry-on with him living on the other side of the country has to stop immediately. He’s to stop smoking dope or whatever drugs he’s doing and stop being a wastrel. It takes two people to make a relationship. You both have to do your bit but he has to step up to the mark in a serious way.

Independent12

Cymbaline - thanks. You make alot of sense. Yes you're right - that was my post. Apart from the issues I mentioned above he has a "different" attitude to sex than I do. He completely doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to have sex if we are fighting, he used to think that the attraction between us should be enough to make me want sex nomatter what way our relationship is. I don't agree and would feel alot more turned on if I felt admiration for him and felt respected and cared for. We had millions of rows about this but he never got it.

dannyc31

you need to stop focusing on the past and move forward. we all get those moments were everything seems to be going from bad to worse in our lives and we think to ourselves what if i got back with so and so. probably things could be better second time round, well they wont.

you need to remember that you broke up from a marriage which is a pretty big deal and are unlikely to do lightly. the problem is that time is a healer as they say, and often people can forget all the reasons why you broke up with someone in the first place because the feelings that you had back then drift away into the back of your mind therfore you begin to doubt did you make the right decision in ending things in the firdt place.

the second point is this guy seems like a bit of a waster, its not your responsiblity to be telling him what to do with his life 4 years later, he needs to sort himself out. he would be an emotional mess if you took him back now, chances are he'd be 10 times worse than how he was when you broke up the first time. he's thinking something similar to you that maybe you would solve all his problems if you two got back together, but my advice is stay away from him.

lastly whatever you do please do not listen to that friend who is telling you to just get back with him. jesus these people with this kinda lose talk are so dangerous and can f*ck so many peoples lives up. whats she's basically saying is "well from my experience there are'nt many decent men out there so you might aswell just settle for him even if he is a waster, he's the best of a bad lot" "you're 29 now and not getting any younger you need to get the house and a few kids under your belt" its total short sighted bull****, do not take this friends advice, you are a young woman with plenty of things to offer and plenty of time to find someone. just get out there and start meeting people, join a club, start travelling, or take up a sport, tag rugby or something. you need get past this guy which i know is hard because you spent so much time with him so you cant see any light at the end of the tunnel but my advice is just keep moving and looking forward not back.

anyway hope this helps.

johnr1

^^^^ This is it in a nutshell. Great post.

Independent12

johnr1 wrote: »

^^^^ This is it in a nutshell. Great post.

I agree. It is a great post. Thanks.

dannyc31

you're welcome. best of luck with everything