Relationship trouble

Bubbles09

Hey all having a bit of turbulence in my relationship at the mo, I've a daughter from previous relationship & 2 sons with current partner. Problem is my daughter & partner constantly at each other she's a stroppy young 1 & he expects me to be referee even though he's been there from day 1 raising her with me he recently exploded & blurted alot of hurtful things about not being her father & the stress of two small boys. I just don't know is it worth working at or how to be about all the hurtful things he said. I don't want to talk to family coz they'll only judge him. I've mentioned to him twice in 6 months that I was worried about our relationship but never expected this. Just feels like we live together for the sake of the kids. Help?

Ickle Magoo

Moved from tLL.

Hey there OP,

This is the forum for any requests for advice regarding relationship issues.

All the best. :cool:

Lorna123

Raising 3 children can be very stressful at times. Kids can drive you to say things on the spur of the moment that you regret later. I never lost my temper until I had children. That being said I don't know what your OH said but I am imagining that it was all on the spur of the moment and if it was then don't take it too much to heart. You both need to talk about your parenting strategy and agree on how discipline should be handled so that these outbursts can be avoided.

It is normal to lose the rag from time to time in a relationship where kids are concerned. They would try the patience of Jobe. So don't get too ofended by what your OH said in an outburst. I bet he is regretting it already.

It sounds like your relationship needs a bit of DIY but it can be done with a bit of communication, a meeting where give and take solutions can be found. You both need to be willing to contribute something positive to this meeting and it will progress from there.;)

techsavysista

staying together for the kids benefits nobody not even the kids.

I can't believe he's the one who said the hurtful things and not her, he needs to grow up and admit he was wrong as the adult in the situation.

You don't need him, if you don't want to be with him go look for happiness elsewhere. Don't make your kids miserable. A loveless household is a horrible thing to witness.

Think about what you really want, communicate with your daughter and partner before you do anything.

It'll all work out in the end.

Lorna123

I also think OP that it is very important when discipling children for both of you, your OH and yourself to agree on whatever discipline is metted out. Your children need to see a united front coming from both of you. If one parent is saying one thing and the other a different thing then the child acts up even worse. You need to back one another up, it is very important.

Bubbles09

Lorna123 wrote: »

I also think OP that it is very important when discipling children for both of you, your OH and yourself to agree on whatever discipline is metted out. Your children need to see a united front coming from both of you. If one parent is saying one thing and the other a different thing then the child acts up even worse. You need to back one another up, it is very important.

It doesnt even feel like a relationship anymore, more bickering & sarcasm. I've expressed my corcerns civilly twice over the past 6 months, no change & then this out burst. We are both just not talking at the moment just doing our own thing. I'm really upset about it & he just doesn't seem to care! Brought up my fathers daughter who hasn't been in the picture ever!! I don't think it's 1 bit fair on the kids the tension is unreal. Told him this morning we should talk about it before my daughter got up as she heard everything yesterday & he just stayed in bed. Think this is the final straw, a relationship is a two way thing, I can't make it work on my own.

P. Breathnach

He's having trouble with your daughter. Are you also having trouble with her?

What age is this girl?

techsavysista

Bubbles09 wrote: »

Lorna123 wrote: »

I also think OP that it is very important when discipling children for both of you, your OH and yourself to agree on whatever discipline is metted out. Your children need to see a united front coming from both of you. If one parent is saying one thing and the other a different thing then the child acts up even worse. You need to back one another up, it is very important.

It doesnt even feel like a relationship anymore, more bickering & sarcasm. I've expressed my corcerns civilly twice over the past 6 months, no change & then this out burst. We are both just not talking at the moment just doing our own thing. I'm really upset about it & he just doesn't seem to care! Brought up my fathers daughter who hasn't been in the picture ever!! I don't think it's 1 bit fair on the kids the tension is unreal. Told him this morning we should talk about it before my daughter got up as she heard everything yesterday & he just stayed in bed. Think this is the final straw, a relationship is a two way thing, I can't make it work on my own.

It sounds like the problem is your daughter. He seems all round inconsiderate. You need to talk to him about it more and more, maybe twice in six mknths makes it out as not so much a big deal? But keep in mind its not your daughters fault. You need to communicate with him more and see if you can get that two way relationship going again!

mr_edge_to_you

I have no idea about the backgrounds here and no personal experience.

No idea what age the daughter is but your partner has obviously been doing his best over the years in helping raise a daughter that isn't his. It can't be easy for him. If she's at a stage where shes becoming a hormonal teenager it maybe difficult for him. He can't necessarily discipline her. Is it possible that she said something to him along the lines of "you're not my dad, you can't tell me what to do?". I don't know and i'm just offering a different slant. Maybe your daughter needs the talk and not your partner.

I think it is odd if your partner has played a positive and active part in your daughters upbringing that his attitude would change so drastically.

I think if I was in his shoes and my partner had a stroppy teenager from a previous partner I would find it difficult to deal with it. Possibly he's caught between a rock and a hard place?

Lorna123

Bubbles09 wrote: »

It doesnt even feel like a relationship anymore, more bickering & sarcasm. I've expressed my corcerns civilly twice over the past 6 months, no change & then this out burst. We are both just not talking at the moment just doing our own thing. I'm really upset about it & he just doesn't seem to care! Brought up my fathers daughter who hasn't been in the picture ever!! I don't think it's 1 bit fair on the kids the tension is unreal. Told him this morning we should talk about it before my daughter got up as she heard everything yesterday & he just stayed in bed. Think this is the final straw, a relationship is a two way thing, I can't make it work on my own.

I can see where you are coming from OP. It is often very very hard to get back to even ground after a few nasty comments. It requires a bit of work and sometimes it doesn't seem fair to be always the one trying to sort things out and not getting any help. I think myself that oftentimes women are much better at keeping the peace than men are. You are trying and that is a great start. It might take your OH a couple of days to soften up and you will probably feel more irritated with him as the days go on but if you could try and just think in your head that he is going to come around but because he is a man it is going to take him longer (no offense to men here, just the nature of the beast). Sometimes we have to take blame that is not ours at all just to get the atmosphere to improve and then we will get our reward. I am a great believer that women have to box clever. We often have to let a man think that he is winning in order for us to win. I know I will probably be slated for saying this but it has worked a lot in my marriage.

Once there is agro it is very hard to communicate because each side is as thick as the other. It takes the stronger one to start the ball rolling. In my marriage a row would go on for a month if I didn't make the first move. It is very upsetting OP and I can understand a lot of what you are saying, but try not to let your anger fester. Make an appointment with your OH when he gets up if you have to and get things sorted, the sooner the better. Keeping my fingers crossed for you. Children have lot to answer for

Bubbles09

thanks for all your advice peeps