Did I just offended her?

HonorRoller

Sorry if I would sound naive in my post because I haven't had a girlfriend before but I need your help guys. I have feelings for my friend and she is a liberal muslim. I was planning to tell her about it yesterday but she suddenly said she is not able to meet up with me because her mother ( a super conservative muslim) suddenly called her back to their place at the last minute. Well I don't know if she is telling the truth but I'm afraid it's because I have been 'protective' and may have annoyed her. Before the planned meet up, she sent me a text message saying there is a guy flirting with her on text. I'm not jealous because it's just flirting, she maybe interested in the guy but there is a likelihood she has feelings for me because she gave hints (at least I think they are). However I feel I didn't gave enough hints.

Anyways this is the last text message I about the guy: Well I dunno but I think this guy sounds shady to me. And you do know women tend to fall for flowery words?

I said shady because the guy asked her 'are you sexual?'. Presuming if he is asking 'are you into sex', she told me it surprised her because it was so sudden and she is not that kind of girl if you know what I mean. Though she still thinks the guy could be nice because they've been texting for about two weeks now and tells her how she looks special and all that. So that text was my response. I've sent caring messages before to her to give her hints (I don't know how to flirt or give 'good' hints) but I may have sound 'too protective'. Then in her reply she said 'men use flowery words to treat a lady special but I ain't stupid either'. Do you think I offended by implying to her that she is stupid? She is a complicated woman. She ignored one guy in college awfter few months of mutual understanding and I'm afraid she is doing the same to me! She hasn't replied to my text yet because she has ran out of credit and couldn't reply back by webtext because of her all-seeing mother.

MrScootch

a) Super conservative Muslim mother!? Danger Will Robinson!

b) Women are strange creatures, maybe there is no other guy and she is trying to make you jealous or work out if you are interested in her in that way. (Girls play these kind of games instead of talking about their feelings.)
If you like her you need to be less in the 'friend zone'. If I were you I'd get right in there with the flowery words and start telling her her new hair looks nice or something. Why not make a joke of the flowery words thing?
"Speaking of flowery words, you looked great..." etc. etc.

Lorna123

It must be very hard to try and form a relationship with this woman when she is openly getting these kind of texts from some other male. I don't understand why she is rubbing your nose in it to be honest with you. That would put me off her. You are worried about her going off you well she needs to be worried about you going off her with this behaviour. She is being insensitive and I would not be interested in discussing this other male with her at all if I were you.

What the heck does she expect you to say when she is discussing some other male coming on to her? Does she expect you to say "he sounds like a very nice chap to me, I would say he is really into you, so keep on texting him".

She doesn't mind telling you what the man is saying and then takes offense if you aren't jealous !!!

I don't like the sound of her at all. I would not get involved in this conversation with her anymore. It is pointless. Don't just accept how she wants to run this friendship, have your own self worth and don't accept what you don't like. She is there teasing you telling you about this other guy and you are taking the bait. Tell her you are not interested in analysing this man's texts, that you have no idea what is going on in his head and what's more you are not interested. If she wants to be your g/f in the proper sense of the word then she needs to cop on first.

You could do without this sort of a g/f.

HonorRoller

Thanks for your replies it made me feel better! I felt miserable after that incident

Lorna123 wrote: »

It must be very hard to try and form a relationship with this woman when she is openly getting these kind of texts from some other male. I don't understand why she is rubbing your nose in it to be honest with you. That would put me off her. You are worried about her going off you well she needs to be worried about you going off her with this behaviour. She is being insensitive and I would not be interested in discussing this other male with her at all if I were you.

What the heck does she expect you to say when she is discussing some other male coming on to her? Does she expect you to say "he sounds like a very nice chap to me, I would say he is really into you, so keep on texting him".

She doesn't mind telling you what the man is saying and then takes offense if you aren't jealous !!!

I don't like the sound of her at all. I would not get involved in this conversation with her anymore. It is pointless. Don't just accept how she wants to run this friendship, have your own self worth and don't accept what you don't like. She is there teasing you telling you about this other guy and you are taking the bait. Tell her you are not interested in analysing this man's texts, that you have no idea what is going on in his head and what's more you are not interested. If she wants to be your g/f in the proper sense of the word then she needs to cop on first.

You could do without this sort of a g/f.

Thank you for your reply Lorna. Yes I did talk to my friend about it. He said maybe she is making me jealous but the thing is, when we met for the first time I didn't have feelings for her. We became friends and my feelings developed in the last couple of months. I was planning to tell her the other day but it was cancelled. I'm thinking of calling her and tell her how I feel. But there are two problems:

1. I believe it is better to say it to her personally. Calling by phone may be 'insensitive'.

2. Her 'Big Mother' maybe watching her and her phone. I have to be considerate of her situation considering she is a Muslim.

Lorna123

God OP I would not be telling her how I feel just yet. If somone is into you, you know it.
If you don't feel that this woman is into you then say nothing until you feel there is some chance that she may be into you. You don't have to tell her how you feel, she knows it. Take my word for it. If she wants to meet you she will find a way, mother or no mother.
Hold off on telling her OP and wait until the time is right. It is not right now.

HonorRoller

Thanks for the reply again Lorna. Though I'm not sure if she 'knows it'. Anyways, thank you so much I feel much better now. I'll take your advice and hold off on telling her . If she hasn't contacted me for a long time, then I guess I have no choice but to wait for college.

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Pa Dee

HonorRoller wrote: »

Sorry if I would sound naive in my post because I haven't had a girlfriend before but I need your help guys. I have feelings for my friend and she is a liberal muslim. I was planning to tell her about it yesterday but she suddenly said she is not able to meet up with me because her mother ( a super conservative muslim) suddenly called her back to their place at the last minute. Well I don't know if she is telling the truth but I'm afraid it's because I have been 'protective' and may have annoyed her. Before the planned meet up, she sent me a text message saying there is a guy flirting with her on text. I'm not jealous because it's just flirting, she maybe interested in the guy but there is a likelihood she has feelings for me because she gave hints (at least I think they are). However I feel I didn't gave enough hints.

Anyways this is the last text message I about the guy: Well I dunno but I think this guy sounds shady to me. And you do know women tend to fall for flowery words?

I said shady because the guy asked her 'are you sexual?'. Presuming if he is asking 'are you into sex', she told me it surprised her because it was so sudden and she is not that kind of girl if you know what I mean. Though she still thinks the guy could be nice because they've been texting for about two weeks now and tells her how she looks special and all that. So that text was my response. I've sent caring messages before to her to give her hints (I don't know how to flirt or give 'good' hints) but I may have sound 'too protective'. Then in her reply she said 'men use flowery words to treat a lady special but I ain't stupid either'. Do you think I offended by implying to her that she is stupid? She is a complicated woman. She ignored one guy in college awfter few months of mutual understanding and I'm afraid she is doing the same to me! She hasn't replied to my text yet because she has ran out of credit and couldn't reply back by webtext because of her all-seeing mother.

She sounds immature and is playing games. You are best rid of her

LegacyUser

I think she is getting to see what you are like by using these texts and asking such questions. A lot of my Muslim friends I studied with were shocked about how openly sexual people are at a young age here. Even if this friend is a liberal Muslim, liberal is rather a loose term so to speak. Being liberal in her faith does not mean that she may go out and date any guy and can still be conservative when it comes to sex and relationships. I knew some that would be considered quite liberal in their country of origin but they would never engage in premarital sex. Perhaps, she is trying to see what your views are regarding sex and relationships by using these texts?

She sounds a bit inexperienced and trying to sound experienced. I would go by actions rather than her words. Who initiates contact most of the time? Does she call and text you too? Or is it you doing all of it?

HonorRoller

I am contemplating about that Pa Dee. However I wouldn't say that she is immature. It seems that she is not used to being with men given that she is a Muslim. I also suspect that she is not telling something me about the guy she had a mutual understanding with. She reveal me some things when they used to hang out but not why she stopped talking to him. Errr..... I think I gave her idea that I wasn't completely in to her. I appeared to be indifferent when I am with her. Before, I didn't have feelings for her and I said 'we're just friends'. Maybe she is trying to make me jealous and thought it is not working and got angry. Countless possibilities of what is going on with her are occurring in my mind.

She lives in different county but when she is in the same county as I am in now she is able to communicate more freely with me. I will give it some time and when she doesn't contact me until September, then there is something wrong. I will just have to wait and see.

EDIT: This was not the first she hasn't texted me for a long time. Before, a week or two went without replying. This is one is bothering me because she was supposed to text me when she is able to meet up with me the night before. When I called her the next day whether she is able to, she said no and didn't give a reason why. Only that she said her mother called her back to her home at the last minute. She did sound unhappy though.

Lorna123

I really think that if this woman was into you OP she would be texting you with a reason why she can't meet up with you not waiting for you to ask her why she isn't texting you. She is putting you off as far as I can see so don't start delving deeper for answers as you mightn't like what you hear. If she doesn't text you for 2 weeks then that is a bad sign, not a good sign.

You have to just deal with the message she is giving you. Don't try and analyze what might be between the lines. I would leave her alone until she texts you and gives you some reason to believe she is into you. If you cannot put your finger on anything that makes you believe she is into you, then she isn't and quit texting her.

At the moment all of this is playing havoc with your mind because you feel that you are misreading the signals. I will tell you what I think, based on what you have told us here, I think she is playing games with you but you need to stop responding and only then will she stop playing them. Refuse to discuss this other guy and if she persists in telling you about him just say this is something you haven't a clue about and she needs to form her own opinions. She knows damn well that you will think that she is interested in this other guy and if she thinks that this will bring you closer together then she has a lot to learn. Do not encourage any more of this sort of treatment from her. Stop all the texting and just leave it and the truth will out. You don't have to accept what she is dishing out.

Stavro Mueller

I wonder does she have an inkling that you fancy her but she doesn't want to go there? it might be one way of letting you down perhaps? Telling you that she has to go home to her mother. Mentioning these other texts?

HonorRoller

I do realise that this is going crazy and possibly out of hand now. I do feel better now than it was 2 days ago. Well as I said she doesn't normally get phone credit unless it is during college since her mother controls spending. She also uses 02 internet mobile (I use the same and it has 1 month expiration and 20GB limit) and when I called her on the day of the meet up, she said the internet expired. So she wasn't able to meet up.

Thanks guys for the advice. I'm not going to dwell on it any further. I will just ride the flow and see what happens. Also thank you guys for putting up with me :-D it's just that I haven't been this madly in love with a girl and how to deal with girls I like. We actually have the same more or less personalities. Philosophical, thinks like a psychologist, loves movies and videogames, both immigrants with strict parents (of course her mother is worse).

And Lorna, I assure you I feel better. I slept better last night without thinking about it, without hearing my loud heartbeat thumping on the mattress. And I'm aware Lorna that you are skeptical of her. She is not the kind of a wild woman. I didn't tell before but we are good friends and she confides in me when she has problems. The reason she tells me the text messages is because I am sort of her 'psychiatrist'. I didn't have feelings before but overtime it developed. That feeling was cemented when she told me she got a boyfriend and I got jealous. However they broke up after 2 months because the guy was telling her what to wear etc. It was partly my fault that she got into relationships not with me because I said before 'we're just friends'. Despite that, she showed some hints that she likes me. Like I said before, I was planning to tell, regardless of the outcome, but it didn't happen.

I think the reason I got so bothered was because I was looking forward to the meet up and tell her how I feel. If she was actually playing games, then she broke the good image I have of her. If that is the case then I would just have to move on. Yet again, I feel better now and ready to accept whatever happens.

HonorRoller

cymbaline wrote: »

I wonder does she have an inkling that you fancy her but she doesn't want to go there? it might be one way of letting you down perhaps? Telling you that she has to go home to her mother. Mentioning these other texts?

Maybe it was personal and she doesn't wanna tell it. She doesn't wanna talk about her father. But not telling me a good reason for not meeting up with me did get me worked up.

And I was the one who sorta put it in her mind that I am the one not interested. My feelings developed over the months and I do not know how to give a good hint and I sent her texts with what I think 'good' hint.

The worst case scenario is maybe she is making me jealous and thought it didn't work and finally gave up. The ugly scenario, recently her cousin got married at 21 (arranged marriage), it is possible that her mother is preparing one for her! She told me she is going to run away if that happens. It is likely she will have a heated argument with her mother if that ever happens. There is the possibility that her mother found out she texts with men and banned her from using phones.

Well, who knows what is actually happening. Lorna is right, I shouldn't be over-analysing. I just flow with the flow and expect neither the best nor the worst and calmly respond to the outcome accordingly like I always do before all this.

Lorna123

Okay OP then because you gave us a little bit more information i.e. that she tells you her problems and you are her friend and advisor then maybe she isn't interested in you as a b/f at all because if she was she needs to stop telling you about other guys she is interested in.

You could wait until September and then if the friendship develops again you will then have plenty of opportunties to let her know how you feel. All is not lost. However, I feel that if she was interested in you as a boyfriend she would be finding a way to get credit for her phone in order to keep in touch with you. What country is she in at the moment?

HonorRoller

Lorna123 wrote: »

Okay OP then because you gave us a little bit more information i.e. that she tells you her problems and you are her friend and advisor then maybe she isn't interested in you as a b/f at all because if she was she needs to stop telling you about other guys she is interested in.

You could wait until September and then if the friendship develops again you will then have plenty of opportunties to let her know how you feel. All is not lost. However, I feel that if she was interested in you as a boyfriend she would be finding a way to get credit for her phone in order to keep in touch with you. What country is she in at the moment?

EDIT: Yeah sorry for causing confusion and not telling earlier that I'm her advisor.

She is here in Ireland, unless she went back to Pakistan without telling me.

A possible reason I think for telling me about these guys was probably she thinks I am not into her. Whenever we're together I would avoid people who knows my mom and I don't want other people teasing. I don't want my mom, who tends to exaggerate, say anything so I lie who I am with. I'm from Philippines and like in any Asian countries: Education first and no boyfriend or girlfriend. Why not just say don't get laid? I'm 19 hello.

She did show signs that is interested in me. Now I never had a girlfriend before but I can tell if a girl is interested in me, of course not 100% sure and it could be misinterpretation. There were several girls who were interested in me but I ignored them. Firstly, they're not my types. Secondly I am not a 'cool' type or whatever type guy to get a girlfriend and finally I think it was impractical especially during Leaving Cert.

One time she gave me a hint. She asked me what type of girl I like. I responded and she said: 'What about Anna (our college friend), she is like me.'

Also, I was with her when she was waiting for the bus. She said she was in-love with this guy during the first semester but the guy 'doesn't like' her. After some guessing she then said 'you don't know him'. Well I was a guy who wasn't interested in her during first semester.

I was eager to tell her as soon as possible because I have been bottling it up and if she is genuinely not interested in me, then I am ready if she puts me on the 'friendzone'. A real man is never afraid of rejection ;-). I'm aware if I wait for so long then she might get angry for not telling her and breaking the friendship. Well that was the plan and you know the rest.......