acting on impulse; any advice?

no_matter

Hi,

I've been reading through the various LGBT threads, which has some really helpful stuff, and was inspired to add one of my own, and see what feedback is out there.

I'm in my mid 30's and have spent the last 20 years pursing a mostly hetro sexuality, a couple of LTR's etc. I've always had desires for guys too, and from time to time have indulged in some anonymous seedy (generally light) gay sex. I also have a teenage child from an old relationship and we have a great relationship and I see him very often.

In recent years, I've been deliberately single, partly because of some because of some heart bruises from my last girl relationship but mainly because I've wanted the space to work through my sexuality and figure out what I want to do about it. This is now becoming tricky as some male friends are asking some tricky questions (I don't mean to be a pain in the arse but I do get some attention from girls when I'm out, not that I'm gods gift or anything). While I have been with some girls and continue to feel attracted to them, I get very bored with it very quickly as I have this gnawing question that I want to resolve. So in my head, it's very simple, go out and meet some guys, see how it goes with them and figure out where I sit on the straight / gay / bi spectrum with some underlying confidence. But it's not really that simple because,

1. I don't really know where to meet similarly minded guys. I've not much interest anymore with elict anonymous sex, and I don't want to jump into some lonely corner of a gay bar, sinking pints until I'm ready to pull their trousers down. I have had guys I've clicked with as part of a social group with my friends, but this is the exception, and I haven't had the courage to discreetly ask for their number. So I'm wondering if there's any option c, where you can meet guys for a coffee or whatever have a chat and see where it goes. There's also the fear of being seen out and about by my friends, but this isn't the biggest factor at all.

2. I am terrified of any damage to my relationship with my son if I was to start dating guys. I know I am probably getting ahead of myself, and I could deal with that if or when I get there, but there is a large part of my that says I would forgo exploring this more if the potential result was to damage the relationship (in terms of him finding out and reacting badly). This creates a fear in me that is stopping me in my tracks.

Sorry if this is a bit rambling and any advice appreciated.

Thanks.

Goodshape

Online dating sites maybe? Post a profile, browse profiles, send/receive messages, meet for a coffee... see how that goes.

Worrying about your son finding out... I guess that's a valid concern but I'd agree with you that it should be dealt with if and when, rather than letting it stop you living your own life. I'm sure you wouldn't tell your son of every romantic encounter you have? This should really be no different. If something more serious does develop... well, deal with that if it does.

brokenice

Acting on impulse is a very apt title. You should always go with your gut! It won't lead you wrong. First of all, my reading of your post would suggest that you seem happy enough with the fact you are attracted to men. This is the first step, so well done.

Regarding meeting men, there's multiple options available to you. You say you don't want to go to a bar because you'll just end up getting drunk and chatting up drunk guys. But you don't have to get drunk at all. You could just use it as a means to talk to other men...and not everyone is going to be off their head drunk. Just strike up a conversation and go from there.

You could also try a club, wet and wild sports for example.

All these things are pretty low key, so I really don't think your son would find out. When it comes to the time to tell your boy, I'm sure he'll be cool. You seem like a clued in Dad. Best of luck.

Aurongroove

I have a friend about my age who's dad came out in sometime in his middle age.
He took it very gracefully and it doesn't seem to bother him (it was a shock mind, but you know, it would be a shock wouldn't it?).

it's a backwards situation I'll warrant, most children live in terror of rejection from parents, but these past few generation with homosexuality finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, you sometimes have parents coming out to children as well!

For dad's especially of teenage or older children, I imagine the biggest complication is bringing up a personal sexual topic with your child.
No one wants to hear of or imagine their parents having any kind of sex. so just choose your words wisely when you do break the news.