will I ever regain the trust?

LegacyUser

I love my boyfriend very much, we've been together for 2 years now. However some things have come to light in the last year. Basically for about the first year we were together he was still registered on a dating site on the sly, he was engaging in dirty chat over IM, fb etc with different people, flirting, flattering them, very sexual stuff. He was also saving pictures of girls that we both know on his computer and getting off to them, sometimes even posting them messages saying how good they look etc. One particular thing that hurt me was he was flirting with this girl online, they met on a night out one night, I wasn't there but from what I read afterwards he was leading her on in my opinion, she came on to him (wanted to kiss him), he declined, however he continued to engage in dirty, sexy chat with her online for many months and saved pictures of her to his desktop.

I had learned some of the details of all this before but not the full extent and gave him the opportunity to come completely clean about everything many many times. Yet he lied time and time again which is really hurtful. This stuff came up again the other day and he admitted a few new things, claims now that he has told me everything and would never lie again. I just don't know what to believe, he had the chance to come clean countless times before when I approached him but never did. I've already struggled so far in the relationship to get over some of the stuff I knew about, now that I've learned a lot more I just don't know how I'm supposed to get over it. I feel like he has been cheating on me for the first year together, I definitely don't trust him, I want to forgive him, some of the things I put down to extreme immaturity on his part, however at his age I really think he should know better. I do love him very much and we've been living together for the last 6 months so things are complicated. No idea what to do, I can let it slide for a while and see if I can get over it but how long am I supposed to let that go on. Any opinions appreciated.

ah OP, i dont think you had a good start here, the first year you're with someone they should be all about you. seriously.
you know when you're mad about someone you just have no interest in anyone else.

i dont know about you but if it was me i would never trust this guy loves me the way he should. i wouldnt even think about whether i could trust him now, as far as im concerned if he was doing all this stuff with other people in the beginning than he just doesnt feel the way i would want him too.

you can find someone that will be as mad about you as you are about them.

LegacyUser

OP come on now, what would you say to a friend if they came to you with this? Seriously now? He has more than likely cheated on you, and regardless of that, all of his behavior is pointing towards a massive lack of respect to you. Have some respect for yourself, kick him to the curb and never look back.

The Princess Bride

You don't list any of his good qualities.
But tbh,it sounds like he has some serious flaws.

Trust is a huge issue in any relationship,and I'd question why or how you could let any of the things you've mentioned 'slide'. These are serious things he's done.

Sounds like he wants to keep his options open, just in case.
Ask yourself if you want to be posting these same questions again,in a few years from now- he doesn't sound like he's a keeper to me.

Best of luck.

Magicmatilda

Three months into my last relationship I discovered my bf on dating sites. I wasn't looking but he had then on his laptop screen while I was in the room. We talked about it and I made it clear that I considered this unacceptable. He could either be with me or do that but not both. He swore he never met anyone etc and deleted the account.

A year later I got a gut feeling something was up. So I went on a dating site and put in a search that would meet his criteria. As he doesn't drink, this narrowed the field a lot and sure enough there he was. Profile updated in the last month, looking to meet girls for walks in the park!!!! We were talking about emigrating together only that day.

So I asked him. He said he was bored and that he never met anyone blah blah. I gave him another chance. I shouldn't have. I had very low self esteem which he manipulated and I thought/felt I wasn't good enough. I was also a bit deluded. Anyway I never trusted again. A month later he left me alone in his flat and I did some digging. Now I should have walked before it got to that because if I'm in a relationship that has me going through my bf's stuff, well, frankly I shouldn't be in that relationship. Anyway I found that he had been sleeping with several other people over the course of our relationship. People I knew, people hd introduced me to and mutual aquantainces!!!

That was all 8 months ago and since ending it. I have gone from strength to strength. I have been working on myself and why I stayed so long etc. But my life is fab, i don't feel tense and worried all the time. Anyway that was my experience. Perhaps yours will be different but I doubt it.

LoYL

You have to understand that the pattern of behaviour is everything. Once you grasp how pattern governs you can understand people; you can trust but not in the same naive way.

LegacyUser

You have being going out with this man for 2 years. Over the past 12 months you have discovered that he has signed up on dating websites, is meeting up with people, sending dirty text messages ect.
He wants you as a girlfriend but thinks that he can meet other woman on dating sites, send dirty text message ect even though you have been living with him for the past 6 months.
What is to stop him going out some night and sleeping with one of these woman?
He could give you a sti which you may not know about for a long time. How would you feel in a few years time if you were told your could not have children or had hiv because of him?
This man is using you and you have no trust in this relationship. He has constantly lied to you and thinks this is fine because you are letting him do this to you.
You need to end this relationship. I know you have spent 2 years with him but your relationship is going no where and will not improve. At this stage you are better off on your own for a while, go out with friends and enjoy your life. In time you will meet a man who treats you with respect and not like this waste of space.

LegacyUser

bubblypop wrote: »

ah OP, i dont think you had a good start here, the first year you're with someone they should be all about you. seriously.
you know when you're mad about someone you just have no interest in anyone else.

i dont know about you but if it was me i would never trust this guy loves me the way he should. i wouldnt even think about whether i could trust him now, as far as im concerned if he was doing all this stuff with other people in the beginning than he just doesnt feel the way i would want him too.

you can find someone that will be as mad about you as you are about them.

Yes I do know that feeling actually and what you said kinda struck me because that's normally how I am with people too, it is all about them, I wouldn't even look at anyone else.

come_on wrote: »

OP come on now, what would you say to a friend if they came to you with this? Seriously now? He has more than likely cheated on you, and regardless of that, all of his behavior is pointing towards a massive lack of respect to you. Have some respect for yourself, kick him to the curb and never look back.

Well I already call what he has done cheating. I don't think someone has to kiss or sleep with someone for it to be characterised as cheating. I don't think he has slept with anyone else, I have my doubts about whether he has kissed anyone else. And believe me I fully understand that he has shown a complete lack of respect for me especially in the early days.

msthe80s wrote: »

You don't list any of his good qualities.
But tbh,it sounds like he has some serious flaws.

Trust is a huge issue in any relationship,and I'd question why or how you could let any of the things you've mentioned 'slide'. These are serious things he's done.

Sounds like he wants to keep his options open, just in case.
Ask yourself if you want to be posting these same questions again,in a few years from now- he doesn't sound like he's a keeper to me.

Best of luck.

ofc he has good qualities, they are not the issue here so I didn't think to mention them. I really really want to trust him but so far I am not able to, as much as I want to get over these things, it's involuntary that they plague my mind regularly, I lose sleep, I lose my appetite etc and I've been feeling like this on and off for nearly the whole relationship at this stage. I had a period of feeling really great and not thinking about anything anymore for a few months before we moved in together and after we had just moved in together, but then I found out about some other stuff and some more lies so it's back to square one now. Even within the space of a day I will feel grand for a while, then it will hit me again at some stage in the day, just not sure if that will ever leave me fully.

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Three months into my last relationship I discovered my bf on dating sites. I wasn't looking but he had then on his laptop screen while I was in the room. We talked about it and I made it clear that I considered this unacceptable. He could either be with me or do that but not both. He swore he never met anyone etc and deleted the account.

A year later I got a gut feeling something was up. So I went on a dating site and put in a search that would meet his criteria. As he doesn't drink, this narrowed the field a lot and sure enough there he was. Profile updated in the last month, looking to meet girls for walks in the park!!!! We were talking about emigrating together only that day.

So I asked him. He said he was bored and that he never met anyone blah blah. I gave him another chance. I shouldn't have. I had very low self esteem which he manipulated and I thought/felt I wasn't good enough. I was also a bit deluded. Anyway I never trusted again. A month later he left me alone in his flat and I did some digging. Now I should have walked before it got to that because if I'm in a relationship that has me going through my bf's stuff, well, frankly I shouldn't be in that relationship. Anyway I found that he had been sleeping with several other people over the course of our relationship. People I knew, people hd introduced me to and mutual aquantainces!!!

That was all 8 months ago and since ending it. I have gone from strength to strength. I have been working on myself and why I stayed so long etc. But my life is fab, i don't feel tense and worried all the time. Anyway that was my experience. Perhaps yours will be different but I doubt it.

I dig through my bfs stuff from time to time too, hence how I found out most of this stuff, his initial reaction is always 'I can't believe you went through my stuff', but I don't feel bad about it, in my opinion he shouldn't have anything to hide from me. I would feel worse had I only found out about this stuff way down the line. Ofc I don't want to dig through his stuff like that, I jsut feel like nearly every time I end up proving he has been lying to me, if he had just come clean in the first place it would have been so much easier and the amount of opportunities that he has been given to come clean about certain stuff is so unreal that I just can't fathom how he managed to lie time and time again, like I would ask him very direct questions about it and he would plain lie to my face.

fab lady wrote: »

You have being going out with this man for 2 years. Over the past 12 months you have discovered that he has signed up on dating websites, is meeting up with people, sending dirty text messages ect.
He wants you as a girlfriend but thinks that he can meet other woman on dating sites, send dirty text message ect even though you have been living with him for the past 6 months.
What is to stop him going out some night and sleeping with one of these woman?
He could give you a sti which you may not know about for a long time. How would you feel in a few years time if you were told your could not have children or had hiv because of him?
This man is using you and you have no trust in this relationship. He has constantly lied to you and thinks this is fine because you are letting him do this to you.
You need to end this relationship. I know you have spent 2 years with him but your relationship is going no where and will not improve. At this stage you are better off on your own for a while, go out with friends and enjoy your life. In time you will meet a man who treats you with respect and not like this waste of space.

this is something I'm already worrying about, at the start of our relationship I asked him about had he ever had unprotected sex before etc and he lied, I only found that out the other day. For me I can't understand someone lying about that, I was jsut being the mature adult and going through some basic safety concerns, it was nothing got to do with who he had sex with before or my morals or anything, it was for our own sake and I feel like he put me at risk.


I know the general consensus here seems to be obviously this is not acceptable and I should dump him, it's always different when you're in that situation yourself. He hasn't done any of this stuff in the last year (from what I believe) apart from the lying about it obviously, as much as I might even believe he wont do any of it again and he was just immature back then, I don't know if I'll stop feeling bad about it. I haven't stopped feeling bad in the last year, ofc the lying didn't help, how was I ever to get over stuff if someone is still lying about some of the details. Now that he claims the lies have stopped too, I feel I'm probably going to ride it out for a while and see if I'm feeling any better, how can I just cut him off now when I he hasn't done anything in the past year.

Typer Monkey

OriginalPoster wrote: »

how can I just cut him off now when I he hasn't done anything in the past year.

Because as a result of his behaviour you are in a relationship that makes you paranoid, distrustful, unsettled and unhappy??

That really should be enough of a reason. A relationship should enhance your life not stress you out and make you unhappy

SheFiend

If you cannot forgive him and you are unhappy then you can cut him off. But I think the hysteria caused by associating dating sites with cheating and contracting sti's is blowing this way out of proportion.

snafuk35

OriginalPoster wrote: »

I love my boyfriend very much, we've been together for 2 years now. However some things have come to light in the last year. Basically for about the first year we were together he was still registered on a dating site on the sly, he was engaging in dirty chat over IM, fb etc with different people, flirting, flattering them, very sexual stuff. He was also saving pictures of girls that we both know on his computer and getting off to them, sometimes even posting them messages saying how good they look etc. One particular thing that hurt me was he was flirting with this girl online, they met on a night out one night, I wasn't there but from what I read afterwards he was leading her on in my opinion, she came on to him (wanted to kiss him), he declined, however he continued to engage in dirty, sexy chat with her online for many months and saved pictures of her to his desktop.

I had learned some of the details of all this before but not the full extent and gave him the opportunity to come completely clean about everything many many times. Yet he lied time and time again which is really hurtful. This stuff came up again the other day and he admitted a few new things, claims now that he has told me everything and would never lie again. I just don't know what to believe, he had the chance to come clean countless times before when I approached him but never did. I've already struggled so far in the relationship to get over some of the stuff I knew about, now that I've learned a lot more I just don't know how I'm supposed to get over it. I feel like he has been cheating on me for the first year together, I definitely don't trust him, I want to forgive him, some of the things I put down to extreme immaturity on his part, however at his age I really think he should know better. I do love him very much and we've been living together for the last 6 months so things are complicated. No idea what to do, I can let it slide for a while and see if I can get over it but how long am I supposed to let that go on. Any opinions appreciated.

He's an immature idiot. Do you always want to be chasing down everything he looks up on the internet? If you can't forgive him or trust him then what's the point? Dump the fool and find a new man.

purplepapillon

Hey op,

I am so sorry you're being mistreated like this. I could have written an almost identical story to yours about my now ex, whom I had been with for two years, and lived with for 7 months.

OriginalPoster wrote: »

He was also saving pictures of girls that we both know on his computer.

This stuff came up again the other day and he admitted a few new things, claims now that he has told me everything and would never lie again. I just don't know what to believe.

I do love him very much and we've been living together for the last 6 months so things are complicated. No idea what to do, I can let it slide for a while and see if I can get over it but how long am I supposed to let that go on.

He was saving pictures of his ex on my laptop, as well pictures of him with my and his female friends. I didn't know why these pictures, and confronted him and he promised to delete them and never fully explained why he had them. You don't know what to believe - go with your gut feeling. I "let it slide" for months and ignored my doubts. My logical side said I couldn't go on with it but I was so in love and so naive. I found out later that he had online dating profiles. A friend of a family member found it, how humiliating to be told your BF has an online dating site, where he is "single". He had used these pictures of him with me and with my friends and other girls on this site, so as to appear "popular" with the ladies I'm guessing. After looking on the online dating thread yesterday in TGC, I looked at a site recommended there. And I found another profile of my ex's, with me in the profile photo beside him. I still have some of his stuff at my house, and believe me, I felt like setting it alight last night.

LoYL wrote: »

You have to understand that the pattern of behaviour is everything. Once you grasp how pattern governs you can understand people; you can trust but not in the same naive way.

Completely agreed. I only discovered this in the last few months.

OriginalPoster wrote: »

Well I already call what he has done cheating. I don't think someone has to kiss or sleep with someone for it to be characterised as cheating. I don't think he has slept with anyone else, I have my doubts about whether he has kissed anyone else. And believe me I fully understand that he has shown a complete lack of respect for me especially in the early days.

Even within the space of a day I will feel grand for a while, then it will hit me again at some stage in the day, just not sure if that will ever leave me fully.

It is cheating. It is all characterised by not being faithful. I don't necessarily mean just sexually faithful, but the meaning of faith related to truth and devotion to one's partner in the relationship. My BF had a revelation one day that he thought an open relationship would be a good thing for both of us (this was a year in) and I freaked, it is most definitely NOT for me. I can see how some people would like it, but I know myself. This warning sign was like a red light, but I failed to see it as such. I was "grand for a while" too, especially when he was thoughtful or we had some good times, but it'd all come hurtling back afterwards.

OriginalPoster wrote: »

at the start of our relationship I asked him about had he ever had unprotected sex before etc and he lied, I only found that out the other day. For me I can't understand someone lying about that, I was just being the mature adult and going through some basic safety concerns, it was nothing got to do with who he had sex with before or my morals or anything, it was for our own sake and I feel like he put me at risk.

We had this discussion, somewhat maturely I thought. We both had STI checks at the start anyways. Then he cheated on me. He was somewhat shady for a few weeks, and I was sitting beside him one day when he got a text about a clinic appointment flashing up on the screen. Now, I'm not a girl that would usually go through phone/email. I had my passwords saved to my laptop so I dunno if he checked up on anything but I wouldn't mind. But I asked him what clinic, was he ok etc. And he brushed it off saying it was routine. I then did go and look at the text a few days later. It was a HIV clinic, where he was receiving treatment. I was devastated. He hadn't told me. And we were having unprotected sex, because I trusted him after a year and a half and am on the pill for yonks. Luckily enough, we hadn't had sex in a while before this happened, and he tested negative. I saw the results, I can't trust his word. And you know what? I'm a complete fool. I believed it was a drunken encounter and I'd try to trust him again. He was my first love. I was completely stupid. I just couldn't trust him at all, and ended it two weeks ago.

OriginalPoster wrote: »

I feel I'm probably going to ride it out for a while and see if I'm feeling any better, how can I just cut him off now when I he hasn't done anything in the past year.

Trust is hard to be regained. Between two people in a relationship, and in general. I honestly don't know how I will ever let myself be vulnerable again. I am so hurt I loved him completely and he treated me like crap. I let these feelings of distrust go on for way too long, probably the best part of a year. That's the time I wasted, ignoring my gut instincts. The time we had together previously, I cherish early memories of our first dates, but I feel that was actually with a different person, someone I didn't know at all, and never saw again in our relationship, somebody who fooled me into thinking he was the best man in the world, who I was so lucky to be with. All the same, I feel lost without him. I don't know the girl I was before I met him. She was an absolute idiot. Now I'm alone, recently unemployed and depressed. My sense of identity was wrapped up in being his girlfriend. It's a bit lost now. But I'm hoping the only way is up. I'm trying to get involved in new things, and am pushing myself so hard to get up and do something each day, however small.

Best of luck with everything OP. You deserve so much better. I know I do too. x

ihsb

OriginalPoster wrote: »

Yes I do know that feeling actually and what you said kinda struck me because that's normally how I am with people too, it is all about them, I wouldn't even look at anyone else.



Well I already call what he has done cheating. I don't think someone has to kiss or sleep with someone for it to be characterised as cheating. I don't think he has slept with anyone else, I have my doubts about whether he has kissed anyone else. And believe me I fully understand that he has shown a complete lack of respect for me especially in the early days.



ofc he has good qualities, they are not the issue here so I didn't think to mention them. I really really want to trust him but so far I am not able to, as much as I want to get over these things, it's involuntary that they plague my mind regularly, I lose sleep, I lose my appetite etc and I've been feeling like this on and off for nearly the whole relationship at this stage. I had a period of feeling really great and not thinking about anything anymore for a few months before we moved in together and after we had just moved in together, but then I found out about some other stuff and some more lies so it's back to square one now. Even within the space of a day I will feel grand for a while, then it will hit me again at some stage in the day, just not sure if that will ever leave me fully.



I dig through my bfs stuff from time to time too, hence how I found out most of this stuff, his initial reaction is always 'I can't believe you went through my stuff', but I don't feel bad about it, in my opinion he shouldn't have anything to hide from me. I would feel worse had I only found out about this stuff way down the line. Ofc I don't want to dig through his stuff like that, I jsut feel like nearly every time I end up proving he has been lying to me, if he had just come clean in the first place it would have been so much easier and the amount of opportunities that he has been given to come clean about certain stuff is so unreal that I just can't fathom how he managed to lie time and time again, like I would ask him very direct questions about it and he would plain lie to my face.



this is something I'm already worrying about, at the start of our relationship I asked him about had he ever had unprotected sex before etc and he lied, I only found that out the other day. For me I can't understand someone lying about that, I was jsut being the mature adult and going through some basic safety concerns, it was nothing got to do with who he had sex with before or my morals or anything, it was for our own sake and I feel like he put me at risk.


I know the general consensus here seems to be obviously this is not acceptable and I should dump him, it's always different when you're in that situation yourself. He hasn't done any of this stuff in the last year (from what I believe) apart from the lying about it obviously, as much as I might even believe he wont do any of it again and he was just immature back then, I don't know if I'll stop feeling bad about it. I haven't stopped feeling bad in the last year, ofc the lying didn't help, how was I ever to get over stuff if someone is still lying about some of the details. Now that he claims the lies have stopped too, I feel I'm probably going to ride it out for a while and see if I'm feeling any better, how can I just cut him off now when I he hasn't done anything in the past year.

I could have written most of this myself. The bit in bold happened to me too and I was given an STI. Luckily everything is clear and fine and dandy now but I too felt like it could have been something WAY more serious.

I have also been lied to in a relationship, the same one as the STI. I spoke to him about it and he always said that it just came out so he didn't have to upset me. The one time he tried honesty from the beginning was the one time I didn't get upset. What he didn't seem to grasp was the fact that it was the lies that was hurting me.

I don't know if your boyfriend has physically cheated on you but I understand the emotional aspect. I had to have passwords to everything of his online. Just so I could check if I needed. He gave me these to try to help me to trust him again. I know that this would not be classically the best and strongest base of a relationship but when you don't want to let someone go what can you do?

I wish you all the luck n the world working this out OP. Just remember there is only so much you can take before you stop being you.

Zoria

I would be long gone. He has implanted doubt and trust issues in a relatively new relationship. As somebody else here said, if you're in love with someone you don't behave like that, you make yourself unavailable. He is doing the opposite. He's updating his profile because he is not committed to the relationship. Sorry to be harsh about it, but I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. You deserve better than that.

Merkin

Not to be terse here but if he loved you and really cared about you he wouldn't have done this. It's as simple as that, he's a dirty rat-bag and if you persevere with this relationship (and it will be a case of putting up and shutting up) then it will just grind you down. Of course you can't trust him. If he was like this in the knicker-ripping first year or two imagine what he'd be like further down the line...the mind boggles

pastry2010

As someone who has also been there, I'd like to tell you I've totally forgotten about the hurt and the lies but really I would be lying, I forget about it for a while and then something happens & I'm right back there the day I found the incriminating email from another girl. I think the trust is verrrrrry slowly coming back at least that's what I'm telling myself, we have talked endlessly about it and it was totally my choice to stay and give it another go, not because I'm weak or could not live without him but because I believe it was something that will never happen again but obv. You can't turn feelings off like a light switch and if you decide to stay it will be at the back of your mind but that's what you have to weigh up, is he worth the work? I also have commitments with my boyfriend but he knows how close he came to losing me and he knows if I ever found anything again, I'd be gone for good.
I really hope you move on from this, he has really messed up here but you're not on your own
X

Ellsbells

pastry2010 wrote: »

but he knows how close he came to losing me and he knows if I ever found anything again, I'd be gone for good.

X

But that makes no sense. Most right minded people would think before they cheat that they will not get caught but realise that if they are caught that they will be dumped. Most people who get tempted don't do it cos they love their partner and also don't want to run the risk being caught and losing them.

What real incentive does he have not to do it again knowing you let him away with it once??

pastry2010

You really never know until you're in that position, I really would have never thought I would stay with someone who did that to me but I took time to talk it through ( screamed for some of it) My situation is slightly different from the OP though, my boyfriend never cheated on me as such although I see it as a betrayal so he might aswell of. A girl from his past sent him a naked pic of herself and he sent a pic back, it turned my world upside down and I packed my bags and left, because we have a house & dogs it was hard to walk away & never look back. During that week I was gone I think it really hit home that I was gone & it really upset him, i've never seen my boyfreiend cry ever & it was a bit scary when thats all he did, he made me all sorts of promises & I decided to give him another chance and that was my decision nobody else's. Nothing is ever black & white and although the OP has been through the betrayal , she can only decide what she wants to do.

ShaShaBear

I was inches away from asking you his name, he sounds just like my ex Joe. To a tee. Even the forms of excuses!

He won't ever stop, he's not sorry. Just sorry he got caught.