Keeping Contraceptive Secret from Husband?

LegacyUser

Going anon for this. Long story short. Recently married. Originally we were going to try for a baby straight away. Then just before the wedding I suggested that we gave ourselves a few months and he reluctantly agreed. I came off the pill in advance but we have been using protection. He is now pushing for us to stop using protection, i.e. try for a baby. I can't explain why or how but I just know I'm not ready. Its hard enough to get my own head round this without trying to explain it to him.

Would it be terrible if I secretly went on the pill for a few months just to give myself some more time? Alternatively, I could take a risk that I won't get pregnant straight away. But I'm afraid that if I did, I'd end up resenting him and, worse, the baby too. I don't know how I got to this point. My head is just a big mess over it all.

Squiggler

You need to sit down with your husband and talk to him about it. Explain why you don't feel ready. This has to be something you both decide on, and you're the one who is going to have to go through the pregnancy and labour. Having a baby has a massive impact on a woman, more so than on a man.

Openness and communication are really important in every relationship and it's not a good way to go to start out hiding stuff from one another, and he would probably be very upset if he accidentally found out.

Mink

As Squiggler says, don't start your marriage out hiding a secret. You've every right not to feel ready, you just need to talk it out with him and come to an understanding/compromise.

I'm sure he'll understand. He would probably feel very deceived if you went on the pill while he thinks you're off it.

I was married 10 yrs before we got pregnant. We just wanted to enjoy our time together first & never got around to it. I started bringing the topic up a couple years ago but my OH wasn't ready so we revisited it every 6mths or so (not in a naggy way) and at some point the idea really grew on him.

It would be very hard going through a pregnancy if one of you is not behind it 100%

Lorna123

I definitely would agree that you need to keep your husband informed on what you plan to do. I don't know what age you are but bear in mind that you also don't know whether you will be able to conceive when you both decide to go ahead with this, so if there are any problems at all the younger you are the better for solving them. These things cannot always be planned. Hope it all works out for you.

P. Breathnach

While I agree you should discuss this with your husband, this is a matter in which I would give you the casting vote. The agenda for the discussion should not be "having a child right away"; it should be "why we are not having a child just yet". But it would be best if you did not have to lay down the law, but rather that he came around to recognising and accepting your needs.

It's a long time since women were regarded as something akin to brood mares.

Merkin

You can't just make a unilateral decision on this and keep your husband in the dark about it. In fact to do so would be a pretty bad start if you ask me. Sit him down and talk to him and between you reach an open (and honest) compromise which you have agreed between BOTH of you.

Piliger

Marriage is a joint venture, a joint journey. No one has the casting vote or else it's just a joke venture.

OP - this is not the way to start things off. You MUST start talking to your hubby. Show trust in him. Tell him how you feel. Don't just tell him 'what you want' ... tell him how you 'feel' and that you want both of you to be together in the decision. This is the way to start a journey together.

Best of luck.

username123

Ask yourself this: how would you feel if you thought that you and your husband were trying for a baby but he was secretly using contraception to ensure you didnt get pregnant. Wouldnt you feel deceived? Let down? Betrayed? Wouldnt you wonder why he wouldnt just talk to you about it?

IMO it would be totally unfair to deceive him in this way.

dannyc31

i would be honest with him if i were you. just tell him you're not ready right now and explain why not.

it really has to one of the biggest life changing things that could possibly happen to 2 people so you need to be sure thats what you both want.

that said there is a saying "theres never a right time to start a family" not sure i totally agree with that statement myself as in i agree there may not be a right time to start a family but there definitely can be a wrong time to start one i.e. when either involved are not ready.

Ickle Magoo

Tbh OP,

I'd be more concerned about why you feel you have to lie to your husband, rather than it just being second nature to just sit down and having a discussion with him about how you are feeling.

Pregnancy is one of the few things couples cannot compromise on - and so it really should be by mutual agreement. If you don't want to be trying for a baby and your husband does then you need to have an honest discussion so you can both thrash out some kind of consensus on time-frames.

All the best.

LegacyUser

You need to chat to your husband and tell him that you don't feel ready to have a child just yet and give him the reasons why. Some men seem to think we married so we must have a baby as soon as possible so people don't think I can't preform. Or maybe his mother has made comments about grandchildren.
I think it is important to have time as a couple after you get married before having children.
Having a child is a big decision and you both need to want to have a baby. One of my friend put off having a baby for a few years due to various reasons. They had some problems and had a baby by ivf. They had a strong relationship and both wanted children before this.
You should not have a baby because your husband wants one or because what other people think. You could have a baby with health problems, who cry's non stop for a few months with colic, with special need ect and unless you have a strong relationship you will find it very hard to cope.
A baby deserves to have two parents who both want them. I think if you got pregnant now you would be very unhappy and resent both your husband and the baby. You could also suffer from post-natal depression because of this. Within a few years your child could feel like mammy does not like me or want me and no child deserves to feel like this.

snafuk35

secret user wrote: »

Going anon for this. Long story short. Recently married. Originally we were going to try for a baby straight away. Then just before the wedding I suggested that we gave ourselves a few months and he reluctantly agreed. I came off the pill in advance but we have been using protection. He is now pushing for us to stop using protection, i.e. try for a baby. I can't explain why or how but I just know I'm not ready. Its hard enough to get my own head round this without trying to explain it to him.

Would it be terrible if I secretly went on the pill for a few months just to give myself some more time? Alternatively, I could take a risk that I won't get pregnant straight away. But I'm afraid that if I did, I'd end up resenting him and, worse, the baby too. I don't know how I got to this point. My head is just a big mess over it all.

It's your body.
Whether you want to have kids or not is your business and not his.
If he doesn't like then tough.

P. Breathnach

snafuk35 wrote: »

It's your body.
Whether you want to have kids or not is your business and not his.
If he doesn't like then tough.

I recognise that it is for the OP to consider all advice tendered and decide for herself what is helpful to her. But I would urge her not to give much weight to this.

tinkerbell

snafuk35 wrote: »

It's your body.
Whether you want to have kids or not is your business and not his.
If he doesn't like then tough.

Eh it IS his business, he is her husband, not some random guy.

OP, it is a rotten thing to do to lie to your husband about this. Be honest.

kiffer

snafuk35 wrote: »

It's your body.
Whether you want to have kids or not is your business and not his.
If he doesn't like then tough.

If she didn't want kids (at all) she should have said so before they got married... If she knew she didn't want kids right away she should have said so before the wedding...
People change their mind, and if it's just a case of "I'm not ready yet" nerves then a nice talk to him might sort stuff out, he should be understanding and not be pressuring you (more chance of conception that way anyway ). It's probably going to take a while to get pregnant anyway so what's another six months...
but let's face it if you've flipped from "let's have a kid soon!" to "I want to wait 5 years" then there's a good chance there's going to a bit of a problem...

Who was more pro kids before the wedding, him or you?

LegacyUser

You need to speak about this with your husband. I think what is making him reluctant and disappointed is the fact you changed your mind quickly. From the point where you wanted to try straight away and then wait. You need to ask yourself what happened between the two time frames and the changes. You state that you are not ready. Did something happen that changed your mind? By no means this is not your fault as things do happen, however it is important and something that needs to be discussed further with your husband. Maybe it can help with your fears and ease some of the anxiety?

Communication is VERY important whether you agree with each other or not. When I married my husband I always told him from the beginning I did want children but wanted to wait. He didn't seem bothered and I thought he accepted it. Things did not work as planned and I got pregnant earlier. I had to get off the pill because I had an adverse reaction and was told I can no longer be on it. The pregnancy may have resulted from not being on the pill and relying on condoms which have a lower successful rate and I accepted it as that. I was organising and dusting around the house and I found condoms hidden in some area. These were condoms that looked tampered! When I asked my husband he admitted that he switched condoms around and pricked them. Whether the switching and pricking of condoms were responsible for the unplanned pregnancy or not, it took months of couples counselling to forgive him. Instead of communicating to me that the waiting made him more anxious, he decided to go behind my back. I would not dismiss his fears because someone close to him had gone through a nasty divorce because someone changed their mind about having children through all of the extended wait time. They kept using the time excuse until eventually they admitted that they never wanted any kids from the beginning.

Lorna123

secret user wrote: »

Going anon for this. Long story short. Recently married. Originally we were going to try for a baby straight away. Then just before the wedding I suggested that we gave ourselves a few months and he reluctantly agreed. I came off the pill in advance but we have been using protection. He is now pushing for us to stop using protection, i.e. try for a baby. I can't explain why or how but I just know I'm not ready. Its hard enough to get my own head round this without trying to explain it to him.

Would it be terrible if I secretly went on the pill for a few months just to give myself some more time? Alternatively, I could take a risk that I won't get pregnant straight away. But I'm afraid that if I did, I'd end up resenting him and, worse, the baby too. I don't know how I got to this point. My head is just a big mess over it all.

Waiting for another few months shouldn't be a problem but if it turns into years then that would be a problem. I can't see your OH not being prepared to wait another few months, say until January 2013 before trying. That would be a reasonable wait. I think now that you should just discuss this with him and I am sure there will be no problems.

woodchuck

Don’t lie to your husband about this. You need to have a proper talk with him about why you want to wait. Is age an issue here?

Imagine if you lied to him and he started coming home with pregnancy tests or prenatal vitamins or even worse baby clothes… imagine how humiliated he’d feel if he knew it was all in vain. Or if you’re on the pill for 6 months say and obviously nothing has happened… he might start worrying about his/your fertility and suggest getting medical tests done. This could all spiral out of control VERY easily. Seriously; just talk to him!

Big Bag of Chips

I was just about to post almost exactly what woodchuck posted.

You would not just be lying about contraception. Every month his hopes would be raising at the thoughts of a missed period. So every month you would have to lie to him about "maybe next month". And every month you would have to see his disappointment.

Then, as woodchuck says, how long before he starts suggesting going to see the GP?

What you might think is a white lie to buy you some time, will grow and grow as you have to continue to cover it up - and also see him devastated every month that you are not pregnant.

You need to talk to him.