Girlfriend's Pushy Boss

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Just a message to see what people think of this. Sorry for the long post!

A bit of background, Iv been with my girlfriend for under a year and we get on as well as any other couple - have a great laugh together and love spending time together without smothering each other. She's a really honest, loving, sincere girl - maybe a bit naive in certain situations but plenty of fire aswell!

Anyway the basic story is she recently started a new job in a sometimes demanding professional role, at times the attitude is work hard play harder though!

So one of the bosses recently asked her along to a last minute boat trip after work. She said she felt obliged to go. This trip also consisted of dinner beforehand and a couple of drinks afterwards. Now there was also another female on this trip (not a colleague though). When she told me about this my gut reaction was to be a little bit suspicious (of her boss mainly as she previously told me has a reputation for cheating on his wife!). I decided not to say anything though as it was a last minute thing and thought it might be a once off.

But about two weeks ago he asked her along again to basically a drinking session near his home town with some of his friends (again he didnt ask anyone else in the office and asked her to keep it quiet from colleagues!) When she was hesitant to accept his invitation he was also putting pressure on her to go. She told me about this and I basically told her about my concerns. I explained that number one I wasnt comfortable with the situation and that it was inappropriate behaviour on both their parts. Apart from anything else I told her that she was leaving herself wide open to all kinds of accusations from her work colleagues if they found out about these little gatherings. I also told her that he was using his more senior role to take advantage of her and that she should think about how she would feel if it was the other way around.

It was a pretty reasoned discussion between the two of us to be honest and she agreed that she had been naive about the whole situation. She raised her concerns to her senior manager and he advised her go to this second gathering but not to drink and to just drive home early (which she did) She's also said she'll just say no in the future.

So what do the boardsies think about this? Was I being totally pigheaded and unreasonable, possessive, jealous etc or more sensible and protective? Probably a combination of everything but Im just curious to know what others think!

Kimia

I think your advice was good actually. It's true - colleagues could start talking about the little gatherings and your gf needs to be very careful. It sounds like the boss is taking the piss big time. It's a very difficult situation because clearly she doesn't want to insult the man by not going either. It's a good sign that she spoke to a senior manager - at least they know what's going on.

P. Breathnach

I think you and your girlfriend are both dealing with an awkward situation very sensibly.

The senior manager's advice was mostly good, as it focused on her protecting herself. But I'm a bit puzzled about why he thought she should go to this second gathering at all. Was it the case that she had felt pressured by her immediate manager, and had half-accepted the invitation? If he is using his professional relationship with her to intrude coercively on her private time, then he is seriously out of order, and senior management should treat that as a problem they should address.

A simple strategy that your girlfriend could employ is to make it clear that if he invites her to social events again, she make it clear that she will accept only if you are also invited. I'd bet that no more invitations would be forthcoming.

curlzy

"So what do the boardsies think about this?"

Well that depends to be honest.

If you are annoyed because you don't want her drinking with other guys then I think you're a rather crap boyfriend and self-centred and you've completely missed the fact that your girlfriend is being put into a horrible position by a scumbag. This is bordering on full blown sexual harrassment, which is deeply upsetting to the victim, and victim-blaming is almost as damaging as the harassment. It's quite obvious that her boss is a leach and a scumbag. If you're more worried about her cheating than the fact she's being taken advantage of then you're not going to win any prizes for cop on, intelligence, or being boyfriend of the year.

If you're annoyed because your lovely girlfriend is being taken advantage of and pressured and you're worried about her then I think you're completely in the right.

If I were you OP, I would pop in and get an introduction to this boss and squeeze his hand very very very hard when you shake hands. Maybe meet her after one of these drinks he drags her to and say something like "so you're the guy that's been dragging my princess out for drinks". Then put your arm around your girl and glower at him, then smile and leave. Basically piss a big circle around her so he just leaves her alone. I know that's not very feminist but I've a boyfriend that's 6'4" and covered in tattoos and this is extremely effective way to get lecherous f*ckers to leave you alone. As much as I'd prefer to be able to handle it myself this is sometimes just the simplest way. Are you bigger than him?

Best of luck to your girlfriend.

Beetlebum

Oh man, had to reply to this thread as I was in the exact same position as your girlfriend a few years ago. I wonder if it's the same company actually!!

My boss at the time was also married but his wife lived in the UK and he would often regale us with stories of his shenanigans over the weekend on a Monday morning.

Anyway, he started inviting me out for drinks after work and if I said no, he'd say that he needed to discuss 'business matters' with me so I'd feel obliged to go. I was a receptionist for christs sake and he was the CEO!

I was very aware that he had ulterior motives but it was still a difficult and delicate issue to have to deal with. One evening though he invited me out for 'business' drinks and made a pass at me. I saw it coming a mile off. He was from the UK but had an apartment near the office. He said he needed to go home first to change out of his suit and made me go with him. Once we got there he opened a bottle of wine and well, you can guess the rest. I left and never went back. I hated the job anyway and was really young so didn't really care but what gets me is how much of a scumbag he was on so many levels.

People abusing their power really pisses me off and I would put money on the fact that your girlfriends boss has ulterior motives too.

My advice - Tell your girlfriend to politely decline every invitation. There are a multitude of excuses she can come up with. He'll get bored eventually and will stop asking her. If it's an occasion whereby everyone is going then ok, she should go but maybe not hang about too long.

Best of luck to her, tell her to keep her eyes wide open.

Lorna123

thinkingoutloud wrote: »

Hi All,

Just a message to see what people think of this. Sorry for the long post!

A bit of background, Iv been with my girlfriend for under a year and we get on as well as any other couple - have a great laugh together and love spending time together without smothering each other. She's a really honest, loving, sincere girl - maybe a bit naive in certain situations but plenty of fire aswell!

Anyway the basic story is she recently started a new job in a sometimes demanding professional role, at times the attitude is work hard play harder though!

So one of the bosses recently asked her along to a last minute boat trip after work. She said she felt obliged to go. This trip also consisted of dinner beforehand and a couple of drinks afterwards. Now there was also another female on this trip (not a colleague though). When she told me about this my gut reaction was to be a little bit suspicious (of her boss mainly as she previously told me has a reputation for cheating on his wife!). I decided not to say anything though as it was a last minute thing and thought it might be a once off.

But about two weeks ago he asked her along again to basically a drinking session near his home town with some of his friends (again he didnt ask anyone else in the office and asked her to keep it quiet from colleagues!) When she was hesitant to accept his invitation he was also putting pressure on her to go. She told me about this and I basically told her about my concerns. I explained that number one I wasnt comfortable with the situation and that it was inappropriate behaviour on both their parts. Apart from anything else I told her that she was leaving herself wide open to all kinds of accusations from her work colleagues if they found out about these little gatherings. I also told her that he was using his more senior role to take advantage of her and that she should think about how she would feel if it was the other way around.

It was a pretty reasoned discussion between the two of us to be honest and she agreed that she had been naive about the whole situation. She raised her concerns to her senior manager and he advised her go to this second gathering but not to drink and to just drive home early (which she did) She's also said she'll just say no in the future.

So what do the boardsies think about this? Was I being totally pigheaded and unreasonable, possessive, jealous etc or more sensible and protective? Probably a combination of everything but Im just curious to know what others think!

I can't believe that your g/f cannot suss this out for herself. She knows damn well that being the only one asked out by this man and being told not to tell anyone else is a sure sign of improper intentions. It couldn't be clearer. It was a great idea to go along, not drink and then drive home early. I mean to say OP if your antenna didn't come out big tme over this you wouldn't be normal.

Piliger

thinkingoutloud wrote: »

So what do the boardsies think about this? Was I being totally pigheaded and unreasonable, possessive, jealous etc or more sensible and protective? Probably a combination of everything but Im just curious to know what others think!

Hi OP. I think you dealt with your feelings and position well. You didn't force her to make decisions or demand she act in a particular way. So I think you have nothing to be concerned about in how you behaved.

This kind of situation arises regularly in life, unfortunately, and it happens to men too.

This manager was very inappropriate and will end up in trouble if he carries it too far one day. I see no evidence in your post of him acting in any kind of seriously offensive or legally wrong way, whatever other people say. Power corrupts and weak people get corrupted very easily and then think they can do things they shouldn't be doing. Women need to be taught how to deal with men as they grow up instead of always being shocked and looking to the law. Unfortunately too many girls are 'protected' by their parents and not taught about life.

I think you did well and your GF is now a wiser and more mature women as a result. I hope her career goes well now that she knows how to handle men a bit better.

Pa Dee

thinkingoutloud wrote: »

Hi All,

Just a message to see what people think of this. Sorry for the long post!

A bit of background, Iv been with my girlfriend for under a year and we get on as well as any other couple - have a great laugh together and love spending time together without smothering each other. She's a really honest, loving, sincere girl - maybe a bit naive in certain situations but plenty of fire aswell!

Anyway the basic story is she recently started a new job in a sometimes demanding professional role, at times the attitude is work hard play harder though!

So one of the bosses recently asked her along to a last minute boat trip after work. She said she felt obliged to go. This trip also consisted of dinner beforehand and a couple of drinks afterwards. Now there was also another female on this trip (not a colleague though). When she told me about this my gut reaction was to be a little bit suspicious (of her boss mainly as she previously told me has a reputation for cheating on his wife!). I decided not to say anything though as it was a last minute thing and thought it might be a once off.

But about two weeks ago he asked her along again to basically a drinking session near his home town with some of his friends (again he didnt ask anyone else in the office and asked her to keep it quiet from colleagues!) When she was hesitant to accept his invitation he was also putting pressure on her to go. She told me about this and I basically told her about my concerns. I explained that number one I wasnt comfortable with the situation and that it was inappropriate behaviour on both their parts. Apart from anything else I told her that she was leaving herself wide open to all kinds of accusations from her work colleagues if they found out about these little gatherings. I also told her that he was using his more senior role to take advantage of her and that she should think about how she would feel if it was the other way around.

It was a pretty reasoned discussion between the two of us to be honest and she agreed that she had been naive about the whole situation. She raised her concerns to her senior manager and he advised her go to this second gathering but not to drink and to just drive home early (which she did) She's also said she'll just say no in the future.

So what do the boardsies think about this? Was I being totally pigheaded and unreasonable, possessive, jealous etc or more sensible and protective? Probably a combination of everything but Im just curious to know what others think!

Very obviously her manager was after the ride. Your gf really needs to be less naive

LegacyUser

You were right to tell your girlfriend to be weary of this man.
I worked in big company a few years ago. I had a boss who groped me when I was out one night. One of the girls I worked with said if you sleep with him you will get your promotion & I replied not if he was the last man on earth.
This mans wife lived outside Ireland for a while due to family reasons. He would go out drinking, chatting up woman and was seen doing this by people working in his company.
He was sued for sexual harressment by a woman working in the company.
It is good that she has told a senior manager about this man.
The senior manager could say something to him about the way he is behaving as no manager wants a problem like this.

Big Bag of Chips

If he has a reputation - and your gf is "the new girl" then I'd guess he has been around the office - maybe he has had his way with some of the girls, maybe he was turned down by them all, but you can be sure everyone in the office knows his game. And chances are when he gets nowhere with your gf, he'll move onto the next one.

Tell your gf to "have plans" in future. If the invites are always last minute, it's not unreasonable to think she might be doing something else.

Also tell her to try not engage with him in anyway other than on a professional level in work. The good thing about a work environment is it's usually easy to excuse yourself from someone's company. She can be polite to him without being friendly with him.

Ham Sambo

thinkingoutloud wrote: »

Hi All,

Just a message to see what people think of this. Sorry for the long post!

A bit of background, Iv been with my girlfriend for under a year and we get on as well as any other couple - have a great laugh together and love spending time together without smothering each other. She's a really honest, loving, sincere girl - maybe a bit naive in certain situations but plenty of fire aswell!

Anyway the basic story is she recently started a new job in a sometimes demanding professional role, at times the attitude is work hard play harder though!

So one of the bosses recently asked her along to a last minute boat trip after work. She said she felt obliged to go. This trip also consisted of dinner beforehand and a couple of drinks afterwards. Now there was also another female on this trip (not a colleague though). When she told me about this my gut reaction was to be a little bit suspicious (of her boss mainly as she previously told me has a reputation for cheating on his wife!). I decided not to say anything though as it was a last minute thing and thought it might be a once off.

But about two weeks ago he asked her along again to basically a drinking session near his home town with some of his friends (again he didnt ask anyone else in the office and asked her to keep it quiet from colleagues!) When she was hesitant to accept his invitation he was also putting pressure on her to go. She told me about this and I basically told her about my concerns. I explained that number one I wasnt comfortable with the situation and that it was inappropriate behaviour on both their parts. Apart from anything else I told her that she was leaving herself wide open to all kinds of accusations from her work colleagues if they found out about these little gatherings. I also told her that he was using his more senior role to take advantage of her and that she should think about how she would feel if it was the other way around.

It was a pretty reasoned discussion between the two of us to be honest and she agreed that she had been naive about the whole situation. She raised her concerns to her senior manager and he advised her go to this second gathering but not to drink and to just drive home early (which she did) She's also said she'll just say no in the future.

So what do the boardsies think about this? Was I being totally pigheaded and unreasonable, possessive, jealous etc or more sensible and protective? Probably a combination of everything but Im just curious to know what others think!

You are 100% right in what you are thinking, this guy is taking complete advantage of the situation and his role as her senior, At least your GF had the cop to listen to you advice.

Taltos

All - as this is an advice forum - please refrain from posting unless you have civil advice on the issue at hand. As per our charter posting without advice is considered a breach of our rules and will result in mod action.

Regards
Taltos