Problems with step-daughter

LegacyUser

Hi all,
I'll try keep this as short and clear as possible.
My partner has a 12 year old daughter, parents have been separated since child was 2 and they have joint custody.

In the last 2 years or so I have noticed that she is lying, a lot, and about silly things as well as big things. I've spoken to my husband and we've spoken to her together and separately and nothing changes. He has spoken to her mother and she might ground her etc but then usually forgets about it and goes back to normal.

My husband has tried everything, even wanted to bring her to counselling but the mother flat out refused and said 'there's nothing wrong with her'.

I feel in a very awkward position, on one hand I have no right to do anything but on the other hand I do not want to be in the company of a liar, nor do I want my child to be in the company of one (she's 3). My step-daughter's lies can be very dangerous imo, accusing people of doing and saying things they haven't. I work with children and am very wary about being alone with her.

My husband, for now, seems to have forgotten it but I can't and it is making me very uncomfortable. Look I know children lie and teenagers do too but in my eyes it has gone too far.

Please I am at the end of my tether.

Moonbeam

Has anyone spoken to her school?
Being 12 is not easy and having a baby step sister might not be easy,is her mum dating anyone new ?

cynder

Troubledcailin wrote: »

Hi all,
I'll try keep this as short and clear as possible.
My partner has a 12 year old daughter, parents have been separated since child was 2 and they have joint custody.

In the last 2 years or so I have noticed that she is lying, a lot, and about silly things as well as big things. I've spoken to my husband and we've spoken to her together and separately and nothing changes. He has spoken to her mother and she might ground her etc but then usually forgets about it and goes back to normal.

My husband has tried everything, even wanted to bring her to counselling but the mother flat out refused and said 'there's nothing wrong with her'.

I feel in a very awkward position, on one hand I have no right to do anything but on the other hand I do not want to be in the company of a liar, nor do I want my child to be in the company of one (she's 3). My step-daughter's lies can be very dangerous imo, accusing people of doing and saying things they haven't. I work with children and am very wary about being alone with her.

My husband, for now, seems to have forgotten it but I can't and it is making me very uncomfortable. Look I know children lie and teenagers do too but in my eyes it has gone too far.

Please I am at the end of my tether.

If your hubby is ok with it there is not much you can do, I presume the 3 year old is your husbands child too? you cant stop the sisters from seeing eachother, at 12 she is still a child prehaps if you had a better relationship with the 12 year old things might improve, your husband and his child are a package deal.

and you are right children do lie, so do teens and so do adults. Its not your place to pull her up on these lies, its her mothers and fathers job, if the lies directly involve you then you can have your say. Does you husband ground her or is all the punishment left with the mother?

Can you give any examples on what you are dealing with?

LegacyUser

grindelwald wrote: »

If your hubby is ok with it there is not much you can do, I presume the 3 year old is your husbands child too? you cant stop the sisters from seeing eachother, at 12 she is still a child prehaps if you had a better relationship with the 12 year old things might improve, your husband and his child are a package deal.

and you are right children do lie, so do teens and so do adults. Its not your place to pull her up on these lies, its her mothers and fathers job, if the lies directly involve you then you can have your say. Does you husband ground her or is all the punishment left with the mother?

Can you give any examples on what you are dealing with?

Hi OP here again,

Her mum is engaged to someone, her partner would be more forceful for want of a better word, I know he has spanked her for lying.

Well my OP is not really ok with it, her mother refuses to acknowledge there is a problem and to be honest I can only see it worsen as she gets older. Instead of the problem being dealt with, it is brushed under the carpet. Also there has been issues with her mother and lying too, for example, last weekend she told the child she couldn't bring her where she had promised to bring her as she was working and turns out she went to London for a mini-break.

My child is my responsibility (and my husband's) and if I don't feel comfortable with my child being around someone who lies constantly then I won't. I won't apologise for that, I don't abide lying at all. It was the same when I was growing up, lying was never tolerated, I'm also a school teacher so I am well used to teenagers and their behaviour but this is different.

I do have a good relationship with her but I don't try to take a mother role as she has one and that is not my place. Of course they come as a package but that doesn't mean I should have to tolerate it surely?

Her father does pull her up on them, he hates lying too, he's honest to the point I wish he'd keep some things to himself. He does try to discipline her when she is at her house.

What kind of things has she lied about....well she told her mother I bad mouth her (the mother) which isn't true, to be honest we have never even met or spoken, we don't feel the need, so why would I bad mouth her.

She said that her dad told her she couldn't be part of our wedding when we married, again untrue. She said we told her we were emigrating, untrue. She has told us her mother has given all her stuff to her own step-daughter, untrue. She jumped out in front of her teacher's car, the teacher wrote a note home, she ripped it up and when teacher followed it up, she denied it.

Her grandmother (my husband's mum whom I'm close to) told me that she catches her out in lies all the time from small ones e.g. she said her mother had taken her mobile phone and then it rang in her bag, to bigger ones.

As I said I'm a teacher, I know teenagers and children lie, adults too but this just doesn't seem 'normal' to me. Fair enough it's not my place to discipline but it's affecting my life so I'm not just going to accept it. I wouldn't accept lying from anyone.

cynder

She seems to be attention seeking, also seems like she has competition half sisters / step sisters! Its bad enough being 12 let alone dealing with everything else that is being thrown at her.

Does she get attention? Does she only get attention when she is lying?

Does she only get listened too when she is making up stories?

Does she get any specail one on one time with daddy? (she should)

Do you ever have one on one meaningful chats with her (without her sister)?

Do you ever take her out for a coffee or coke or go to the cinema (just her)?

You say you dont want to spent time in the company of a liar but something gone wrong in her life has made her need to seek attention . If she isnt getting enough attention she can act up and tell lies to get that attention. Bad attention is better than no attention at all.

Can you not make a deal with her and step up to being her step mom and bond with the child, tell her if she tells lies then she wont get to go places and do things with you, have you told her you want to be her friend but you dont want to be friends with a liar. That is presuming you want to be her friend!


At 12 she is too young to be written off.


You said that her father does TRY and discipline her. You ether discipline or you dont! What would be normal discipline?

quote: She jumped out in front of her teacher's car, the teacher wrote a note home, she ripped it up and when teacher followed it up, she denied it.

Why did she jump out in front of the car? To scare the teacher? To get hit by the car? For a dare? or just because she felt like it? as for ripping up the note, thats no supprise many kids would do that. She lied to get her self out of trouble. Now put that lie up againt this one, How many adults have called in sick to work when they are not? too many! day in day out we all lie to save our skins, its just kids get caught out more times than adults do.


Her grandmother (my husband's mum whom I'm close to) told me that she catches her out in lies all the time from small ones e.g. she said her mother had taken her mobile phone and then it rang in her bag, to bigger ones.

Why would she lie about the phone? I have no idea! did granny want it and she didnt want to hand it over?


prehaps if you look at the lies and see what she gets from them, does it give her attention? does she get out of trouble (saves her own skin)? does she cause trouble ? if so for whom? does she get attention and get listened too if she tells a lie? Are they lazy lies (where she couldnt be bothered doing something)?

If you know why she is lying prehaps you can see where the lying is steming from! To me though it seems like she is craving attention!

Squiggler

I've got to agree with grindlewald. This is a 12 year old child, with no firm base to her life and parents who now have other partners and children.

Maybe try putting yourself in her position for a few minutes. It must be a horrible and scary place to be. Mum and Dad have their own little families now and you're batted back and forward between them.

If she's picked up on the fact that you don't like her (which seems evident from your post) she feels unwanted when she is with her Dad and your family.

I also don't think it is appropriate that her Mother's partner has spanked her, I don't think any child should be physically disciplined by someone who is not a biological parent, but particuarly not a pre-adolescent or adolescent.

She has no safe environment, no security blanket. Lying is wrong, and she certainly knows that, but she needs love and attention. She needs friends and people she can rely on to protect, help and love her.

What an awful situation for anyone to be in, let alone a 12 year old!

Das Kitty

Have you noticed that her lies are all representative of fears she would have considering how she lives. She's gauging other people's reactions to the things she fears by presenting them as real.

Rather than discipling her, I would be working towards making her feel secure. No, you can't be a mother to her, but you can be a parent.

TBH, the whole his kids, my kids thing in merged families depresses the hell out of me. If you're going to be with someone who already has kids for the longterm, you should be committing to the child in equal measure as you are to their parent.

She's a child in a very difficult situation, she deserves compassion.

LegacyUser

grindelwald wrote: »

She seems to be attention seeking, also seems like she has competition half sisters / step sisters! Its bad enough being 12 let alone dealing with everything else that is being thrown at her.

Does she get attention? Does she only get attention when she is lying?

Does she only get listened too when she is making up stories?

Does she get any specail one on one time with daddy? (she should)

Do you ever have one on one meaningful chats with her (without her sister)?

Do you ever take her out for a coffee or coke or go to the cinema (just her)?

You say you dont want to spent time in the company of a liar but something gone wrong in her life has made her need to seek attention . If she isnt getting enough attention she can act up and tell lies to get that attention. Bad attention is better than no attention at all.

Can you not make a deal with her and step up to being her step mom and bond with the child, tell her if she tells lies then she wont get to go places and do things with you, have you told her you want to be her friend but you dont want to be friends with a liar. That is presuming you want to be her friend!


At 12 she is too young to be written off.


You said that her father does TRY and discipline her. You ether discipline or you dont! What would be normal discipline?

quote: She jumped out in front of her teacher's car, the teacher wrote a note home, she ripped it up and when teacher followed it up, she denied it.

Why did she jump out in front of the car? To scare the teacher? To get hit by the car? For a dare? or just because she felt like it? as for ripping up the note, thats no supprise many kids would do that. She lied to get her self out of trouble. Now put that lie up againt this one, How many adults have called in sick to work when they are not? too many! day in day out we all lie to save our skins, its just kids get caught out more times than adults do.


Her grandmother (my husband's mum whom I'm close to) told me that she catches her out in lies all the time from small ones e.g. she said her mother had taken her mobile phone and then it rang in her bag, to bigger ones.

Why would she lie about the phone? I have no idea! did granny want it and she didnt want to hand it over?


prehaps if you look at the lies and see what she gets from them, does it give her attention? does she get out of trouble (saves her own skin)? does she cause trouble ? if so for whom? does she get attention and get listened too if she tells a lie? Are they lazy lies (where she couldnt be bothered doing something)?

If you know why she is lying prehaps you can see where the lying is steming from! To me though it seems like she is craving attention!

Hi,
Thanks for your reply and yes to all your questions. She does get one on one time with him, I do do things just her and I, yes to all your questions. We have made extra effort to ensure she isn't left out, she gets plenty of attention, not just when she lies. I feel she lies to get herself out of trouble and also to cause trouble for others. I have sat her down, just her and I and told her I want to be her friend and I care about her but I do not like lying or liars. She was great about it but nothing changed and she lied again that evening! I'm just so frustrated, if she were my biological child I would take action but the fact that her mum is ignoring everything (hence her partner stepping in) is preventing any action from being taken.

My OH has tried all disciplines from taking things away, grounding, talking to her like a young woman, not a child, showing her the consequences of lying, how it hurts people etc but all to no avail.

Why did she lie about the phone? I don'y know either, no the granny did not want it she just asked her did she have her phone on her so she could contact her if needed, then it rang.
I don't know why she jumped out in front of the car, the story she tells and the teacher tells are two very different stories.

I know we all tell white lies, it's human nature but surely these go beyond white lies and normal teenage antics, her lies and constant.

She was lying about personal hygiene as well, saying she had showered etc when she hadn't, we can't stand over her in shower! I brought her shopping and bought her loadsd of toiletries and sanitary towels and explained the importance of keeping yourself clean.

The most recent situation has been that she was spending the day with some cousins and their friends (all these children are under 7), at the end of that day 2 of the mothers came to us very upset that their children had been told all about sex and blow jobs etc and that the children said my step daugher told them about it. She has said it wasn't her. Those children are not allowed to be with her anymore. She told her mum she was being bullied by a girl in school, we went to deal with it and turned out she was the one doing the bullying, the other child's parents had been in and the school were monitoring it.

What can I do in my position as step-mother?

LegacyUser

Squiggler wrote: »

I've got to agree with grindlewald. This is a 12 year old child, with no firm base to her life and parents who now have other partners and children.

Maybe try putting yourself in her position for a few minutes. It must be a horrible and scary place to be. Mum and Dad have their own little families now and you're batted back and forward between them.

If she's picked up on the fact that you don't like her (which seems evident from your post) she feels unwanted when she is with her Dad and your family.

I also don't think it is appropriate that her Mother's partner has spanked her, I don't think any child should be physically disciplined by someone who is not a biological parent, but particuarly not a pre-adolescent or adolescent.

She has no safe environment, no security blanket. Lying is wrong, and she certainly knows that, but she needs love and attention. She needs friends and people she can rely on to protect, help and love her.

What an awful situation for anyone to be in, let alone a 12 year old!

If you will read my previous post you will see that I have tried a lot to make her feel special with one on one time and we have tried as a family as well. Her parents have other children and partners, that can't be changed. I have put myself in her position and have made extra effort, I don understand it can be hard. To be honest though, in my own classes kids whose parents are together are the exception so our situation is not uncommon.

I take a lot of offence to your suggestion that I don't like her, I'm sorry but I have treated her like my own from the day I met her, I've worked hard to forge a relationship with her and if I didn't care about her would I actually be bothered trying to get advice on dealing with the situation. I am frustrated and feel at the end of my tether, that's what you are reading from my post. Please do not make any assumptions as to my feelings for the child.

No safe environment? Where are you getting that from? Are you saying that every child that comes from a family where the parents are separated has no security or safe environment. We are a loving family that do everything for our children to ensure they are happy and healthy. She obviously has some problems and I am looking to work on this but how dare you suggest she has no safe environment or security.

LegacyUser

Das Kitty wrote: »

Have you noticed that her lies are all representative of fears she would have considering how she lives. She's gauging other people's reactions to the things she fears by presenting them as real.

Rather than discipling her, I would be working towards making her feel secure. No, you can't be a mother to her, but you can be a parent.

TBH, the whole his kids, my kids thing in merged families depresses the hell out of me. If you're going to be with someone who already has kids for the longterm, you should be committing to the child in equal measure as you are to their parent.

She's a child in a very difficult situation, she deserves compassion.

I appreciate your advice but do you really think if I didn't give a damn I would be on here looking for help? I have treated her as my own from day one and regularly have alone time with her, as she does her dad, but she's not my child, what do you expect me to call her?

I'm not on here asking how do I get rid of her so why would you think I am not committed to my relationship with her? I am at the end of my tether with frustration, worry and a million othere emotions.My biggest fear is that this continues and she gets herself or someone else into serious trouble or that people won't want to be around her, which is happening already. She has lost friends at school because of this.

I want to bring her to see the school counsellor to talk things through and get to the root of this, her dad agrees but her mother says no, she just said 'She's not going to one, she's not crazy'
Please tell me where I am not being compassionate, I am doing exactly for her as I would my own flesh and blood.

gagiteebo

Grindelwald I think you have given some good advice there.

I am shocked at Squiggler's comment. I think it was highly unnecessary for you to imply that the OP doesn't like her step daughter. If she didn't care would she really be on a parenting forum looking for advice. I assume she is trying to help the little girl as opposed to coming on here asking how can she get rid of her. As for implying that she has no safe environment, she obvioulsy has a step mother who cares enough to want to solve the little girl's problems, her biological mother seems to think that there is no problem.

I am a step mother also, we've had a problem, not with lying but something else, even though it wasn't my place I kept at it for something to be done about it and it was. I looked like the bad guy for a while but I didn't care, my priority was the child. We haven't looked back since. I get the frustration from the OP's post I really do. When you live with someone who is lying constantly it can really affect the whole family dynamic AND have consequences for the child herself, socially, emotionally etc so I say fair play for the OP for trying to sort it out and not just letting it go.

Nowhere in her posts did I see that she wants to write her off.

I also work with pre-teens and teens and to be honest a lot of famillies nowadays are blended families etc. It's more 'normal' than your traditional familes. Also lying constantly and getting others into trouble is not ok so I really don't buy the 'ah she's only 12, parents are split up.....' If it were just the usual white lies I don't think she'd be on here at the end of her tether. Yes there are two new familes but from what I can gather they haven't just thrown her to oneside. My step child always said they felt lucky as they had two families who loved them instead of one.

OP my advice is to really talk to your husband, surely he has as much power as the mother to have something done about it i.e. to talk to a professional etc I would not just stand by and let it pass, that to me is unsafe and unsecure. Bring your step daughter to the cinema or for cake or something and have a little chat with her and reassure her that she is cared for and important.

Good luck x

Squiggler

gagiteebo wrote: »

I am shocked at Squiggler's comment. I think it was highly unnecessary for you to imply that the OP doesn't like her step daughter. If she didn't care would she really be on a parenting forum looking for advice.

Some extracts from the OP's posts which formed the basis for my suggestion that the child might believe that she is not liked by her step-mother. Certainly the OP does not once refer to the child as part of her family... which she is.

Troubledcailin wrote: »

My partner has a 12 year old daughter...

I do not want to be in the company of a liar, nor do I want my child to be in the company of one (she's 3).

I work with children and am very wary about being alone with her.

My child is my responsibility (and my husband's) and if I don't feel comfortable with my child being around someone who lies constantly then I won't. I won't apologise for that, I don't abide lying at all.

I do have a good relationship with her but I don't try to take a mother role as she has one and that is not my place. Of course they come as a package but that doesn't mean I should have to tolerate it surely?

I understand that it can be difficult to separate the child from the behaviour, which is why I suggested that the OP try to look at things from the child's perspective. Hate the sin, but love the sinner...

I've a cousin who had similar feelings, and made similar comments, about her husbands daughter from his first marriage. I've seen first hand the damage that a step-mom protecting "their child" from "his child" can do to a family, and particularly to "his child".

Blended families work particularly well in cases where the child has two full sets of parents.