invite stress

u_c_thesecond

hi guys

im sorry i know i posted yesterday about something else, but alas another issue:( (my family should just be shot seriously they are causing me untold stress)

Basically my lil sis is with a guy 9 months, and they just moved in together,he a lovely guy.Now that they are living together her and my parents have decided he automatically coming to wedding (which he is not)

im having 70 guests and i had to cut nieces and nephews from the list because i couldnt afford them. If i invite him i will have my other siblings giving out that he is not family and i kicked my own family out and asked him when he not with my sis that long.

I know this sound like a "just tell them to piss off" kinda problem but my family are the biggest bunch of moaners and even now today ive gotten 2 texts from siblings asking "Is it true Daves coming to your wedding?"

My lil sis is adament he should come because the other siblings bringing their partners(they are all either married or with them years) but if i invite him i will have to put in the nieces and nephews too and thats an extra 10 , i know it doesnt sound much but i know they will want to bring their partners too.

Its all one big huge circle and ive actually turned off my phone now because they driving me loopers.:(

Im at the most stressed time of my life and they are making me ill

If she was going out with him 9 months I would be inviting him regardless of whether or not they were living together. That's just me though.

Toto Wolfcastle

I don't see why the nieces and nephews would have to be invited if you invited your sister's partner. I agree with whoopsadaisydoodles, I would invite him.

tinkerbell

OP, she's your sister. She should be far higher up the ranking list compared to nieces / nephews. I think you should invite her boyfriend, leave it at that. You do not need to invite nieces/nephews then just because you invite him. Your sister is in a serious relationship presumably. If people go on at you about inviting nieces/nephews as well just tell them to STFU. Honestly you have to stick to your guns about this. It was the same when we sent our invites - got people going mad over not inviting X but inviting Y and I just said it was not up for discussion, end of. Once they see you can't be walked all over, they'll back off.

Zaph

tinkerbell wrote: »

OP, she's your sister. She should be far higher up the ranking list compared to nieces / nephews. I think you should invite her boyfriend, leave it at that.

^ This

It's a serious enough relationship that they've moved in together, he's not just some random bloke she brought home from the pub one night. Not inviting him is quite a snub towards your sister imo. Inviting him has no bearing on whether anyone else should be invited or not and all you need to remind people is that it's your wedding, not theirs.

Sleepy

I'd agree with everyone else, inviting your sister's partner doesn't by any means give carte blanche to the nieces, nephews, cousins or neighbours tor expect an invite. If other siblings are whinging, tell them it's a no children wedding hence reason nieces and nephews are excluded.

I am pie

I would invite him, as your sister's partner he should get priority over nieces & nephews.

Get whoever the best man, or chief bridesmaid, or you mother perhaps, to speak to them. They should be here to help.

Simple - close family and partners. Not nieces & nephews. I'd get it done this weekend, let them get used to it and move on.

You've got to be tough with them, but yeah, i think most people would go with inviting the sister's partner.

woodchuck

I hate to give you the answer you're not looking for OP, but I agree with the others here. If you're inviting all your other siblings partners and not this one, there will be hurt feelings. It would probably be alright if they were only going out 9 months and not living together, but the fact that they've taken that step shows that he's not just some randomer who she might break up with before the wedding.

If you do invite him though that should in no way effect what cousins/nephews etc you do/don't invite.

stinkle

I'd invite him too, we will have a similar sized guest list and are including partners of siblings, but not inviting certain aunts and cousins. I'm dreading the drama, (and yes I do see the irony of inviting a bf/gf of a sibling versus "family", especially if a couple later breaks up), but I'd rather not offend my immediate family by insinuating that their relationship isn't important, or that you dont approve of the relationship. Put it this way, if they end up getting married then you and your husband will be invited to their wedding!

+1 on the "no kids" re:nieces and nephews, though I assumed from one of your posts that some nieces/nephews are old enough to have partners themselves? That's fairly awkward if that;s the case, but you still aren't obliged to invite their plus ones. It's not like inviting a person that wont know anyone else at the wedding and might appreciate a plus one, all your family will know each other! And sure other halves could go to the afters if you're having one.

Moonbeam

I agree , if your other siblings partners are invited then he should be too.

prettygurrly

+1 on the inviting boyfriend. A serious boyfriend is a different league to nieces and nephews. As long as you treat everyone equally, therefore all nieces and nephews equally then no one has a right to complain. You were right to turn off your phone, sometimes people just need to butt out.

Gatica

I agree, and personally would invite OH of anyone in any kind of a serious (anything other than casual dating of a couple of weeks, especially if he's met the parents) relationship. Your immediate family and their partners, married or otherwise (some ppl may never get married but stay together forever anyway), should get preference over extended family, which includes cousins, aunts and uncles and nieces/nephews.
Parents, grandparents and siblings I believe should be first. After that your best friends. Then the rest of the people in your life. Personal opinion though, as I don't know how close you are to any of them yourself.

I do understand where you're coming from when you compare a 9-month, just moved in, relationship with a married with kids relationship. And if you were having 10 ppl at your wedding ceremony with just parents, bridal party, couple of siblings, then it wouldn't be unreasonable to use that as the reason not to invite him. However, when you're having 70 (and boy do I know numbers can grow quick when you allow ppl dictate or suggest guests), someone so important in your sister's life should be given priority over about 50 or so of the other guests you're having.

tatli_lokma

being together years doesn't dictate how serious a relationship is. Just because other siblings are married or together years doesn't make their relationship more legitimate. Another sibling could just as easily get divorced or split up as anyone - being married or together years is no proof of seriousness.

Your sister now lives with this man. He could very well be your future brother in law. When (if) the time comes when they marry, do you want to have the old hurt dragged up about how you didn't invite him to your wedding?

I really think this snub could come back to haunt you for years and possibly sour your relationship with your sister. If it were my sister who excluded my partner, with whom I was living with, I would be deeply hurt and moreso embarrassed. You can't make fish of one siblings partner and foul of another. Its just rude and unpleasant.

Bid08

I have to agree, there is no reason why you wouldnt invite your sisters boyfriend, if your other siblings have partners coming its not very fair to treat your sister different

and just because your sisters partner is coming does not give automatically mean nieces and nephews have to be invited

LadyTBolt

+1 to all the others - invite the boyfriend

Toast4532

I agree with everyone else. Excluding your sisters boyfriend would be a mean, horrible, nasty thing to do and would quite possibly damage your relationship with your sister.

angeldelight

I 100% agree with what everyone else has said. You should definitely invite him - they're living together and together quite a while.

(And trust me I know the stress of guest lists, weddings etc I'm getting married in a few weeks and had all those horrible decisions to make not so long ago, but this guy is incredibly important to your sister and she'll be very hurt and angry if you don't invite him)

seamus

It's your wedding. If anyone tells you who you "have" to invite, you politely tell them to feck off.

Stick yourself in your sister's shoes for a second and imagine that she was getting married but wasn't going to invite your husband/partner* for whatever reason, but had invited all of the other partners. How long she has or hasn't been going with him is pretty irrelevant - she's in a serious, committed relationship.

Imagine how humiliated you'd feel turning up to her wedding on your own because your partner wasn't invited. Would you even be able to bring yourself to go?

Your sister's partner will likely also not forget the fact that her family collectively turned their backs on him and deliberately excluded him from a family wedding. How do you think that would make him feel?

I could understand entirely if they'd only been going out for six weeks or something, but at this stage you're into serious relationship territory, so that relationship deserves the same respect as the others. He's not in the same tier as the nephews, nieces and cousins.

*Sorry, I'm assuming you're female

u_c_thesecond

hi all

thank you for all the replies

Pretty hurt when i saw posts saying "spiteful" and "mean"

This is the 4th relationship my sisters had in 2 years, she has a 2 year old son and since hes been born this is the 3rd parther hes known of hers (not including his dad) , when she broke up with her babys father she got engaged to a different guy after knowing him a month , then cheated on him and left him for another guy who she moved in with, then after that she met the guy she is with now

I didnt feel the need to mention it before- but seen as im been seen as being spiteful i feel i should show why im wary- she jumps through guys and my family are aware of this- hence why i am worried

Well was worried, she walked out on him today!

stinkle

Hi OP,

hope you weren't too hurt by some of the comments - my take on most was that in the cold light of day it can appear a mean thing to do from the point of view of the "boyfriend vs the rest of the family". I didnt think it was spiteful, it's understandable to be under pressure if you're inviting some people and not others. Especially if everyone has an opinion!!!

The extra info you've given changes my opinion a little though - I can see why your siblings were asking you if he was invited given your sister's history. If my or my OH's siblings were the same I'd be thinking similar stuff re: our guestlist! It must be awkward though, they might get back together or she might meet someone new. I'd steer clear at the moment, their breakup is their own business for now. It might be a blessing in disguise for your dilemma though! Try not to let family bug you too much about the wedding in general - it's your day and you can't please everyone so please yourself and OH

LifesgoodwithLG

Your response below comes across as spiteful so maybe there was something in the feedback you got. You may not have intended to malign your sisters character below but you have. I wouldn't thrash my sister in public or private,
All you had to say was that your sister and her partner broke up so dilema solved.

u_c_thesecond wrote: »

hi all

thank you for all the replies

Pretty hurt when i saw posts saying "spiteful" and "mean"

This is the 4th relationship my sisters had in 2 years, she has a 2 year old son and since hes been born this is the 3rd parther hes known of hers (not including his dad) , when she broke up with her babys father she got engaged to a different guy after knowing him a month , then cheated on him and left him for another guy who she moved in with, then after that she met the guy she is with now

I didnt feel the need to mention it before- but seen as im been seen as being spiteful i feel i should show why im wary- she jumps through guys and my family are aware of this- hence why i am worried

Well was worried, she walked out on him today!

prettygurrly

regardless of someone's history, if she had been going with him for 9 months that's still a sizable amount of time and living together is a sign of commitment hence inviting the guy was still the more appropriate option IMO. it's a pity they've broken up but you never know what might happen with anyone and he could have been the "one" that your sister settled down with. You never know, they might get back together.

Ludikrus

u_c_thesecond wrote: »

hi all

thank you for all the replies

Pretty hurt when i saw posts saying "spiteful" and "mean"

This is the 4th relationship my sisters had in 2 years, she has a 2 year old son and since hes been born this is the 3rd parther hes known of hers (not including his dad) , when she broke up with her babys father she got engaged to a different guy after knowing him a month , then cheated on him and left him for another guy who she moved in with, then after that she met the guy she is with now

I didnt feel the need to mention it before- but seen as im been seen as being spiteful i feel i should show why im wary- she jumps through guys and my family are aware of this- hence why i am worried

Well was worried, she walked out on him today!

I think I know her! Was she on Jerry Springer?

u_c_thesecond

LifesgoodwithLG wrote: »

Your response below comes across as spiteful so maybe there was something in the feedback you got.

I wouldn't thrash my sister in public or private,
All you had to say was that your sister and her partner broke up so dilema solved.

how did i TRASH her exactly? I told the truth, i explained why i felt i had a right to be wary seen this is the 2nd man she has lived with out of four men in the last two years. Im telling how she is with men so how is it trashing her?

I love my sister but she falls for men within days and makes commitments without thinkin. Her son was planned with a man she was dating five weeks and now he has fecked off.

Iv mentioned no names, no one knows who i am or who my sister is on here, i wanted advice on an issue regarding my wedding invites and you think im slagging off my sister? She goes through men like a mad woman and thats the truth and i feel i had a right to be wary, as i said before some my family were going mad because they know how fast she goes through partners and were giving out about him coming to wedding.

Bid08

from the initial post I did think it was a bad idea not to invite your sisters partner but I have to say after you explained the situation I can see your point of view some what

from what I gather your having a small intimate wedding with only close friends and family (seen as nieces and nephews are not going) so of course you are going to want every one there who is more than likely going to be around for the long hall. Perhaps if you were having a large wedding this would not have been an issue?

you dont want to be looking back at family photos of your wedding in a few yrs and think that man in my wedding photo is a complete stranger now. esp when you left other family members out. I know breakups can happen regarding other siblings and their OH but this is probably more likely

All im saying here is I can understand that bit more your reasons for not wanting to invite him

tatli_lokma

I can understand your reservations given your sister's lifestyle choices and it is understandable. However, at the time he was still your sister's partner, with whom she is (was) living with. For the sake of an extra dinner I would invite him regardless of how long they are together. Now that they have broken up, it is less of an issue, but there is a chance they will get back together. If they do, he should be invited.

As to you trashing your sister - trashing is a bit strong, but you do seem to have very strong opinions on your sisters lifestyle choices. As a sister, this is your right, but maybe tone it down for posting on an open forum. I know you say you haven't mentioned her, but given you are getting married shortly, you gave her childs age and sex, and enough other details that someone may well put two and two together and it could get back to her. Perhaps just edit your posts with specific information, and perhaps just say that your partner has had 4 "serious" relationships in 2 years, one of which was an engagement. That would be enough for people to understand your concerns.

LadyTBolt

u_c_thesecond wrote: »

i wanted advice on an issue regarding my wedding invites

You got just that, but you weren't happy with responses and later added further information.
My opinion has not changed, if your sister is with her boyfriend 9 months it is only right he should be invited as her +1. However, since she walked out on him yesterday you don't have this problem to worry about anymore so don't be getting upset about this issue. I'm sure there are plenty other wedding issues you could be putting your energy in to.

woodchuck

Hi OP, for what it's worth I've changed my opinion since your update. I absolutely understand where you're coming from if she has a history of this kind of 'commitment' with men.

If it was me I'd still considering giving her a +1 on the invitation, but I completely understand where you're coming from if you don't (however your sister and family may not; in the long run one extra guest may be worth the potential stress and hassle that goes with inviting your sister on her own)

Gatica

I personally never thought it was spiteful not to be inviting your sister's partner. I don't think that word even makes sense in this context anyway.
Personally I'd have invited someone's long-time OH, especially if they were living together. That's why myself and many others have suggested inviting him. None of us knew the reasons or circumstances behind your reservations.

u_c_thesecond wrote: »

how did i TRASH her exactly? I told the truth, i explained why i felt i had a right to be wary seen this is the 2nd man she has lived with out of four men in the last two years. Im telling how she is with men so how is it trashing her?

Iv mentioned no names, no one knows who i am or who my sister is on here

I agree, I don't think you're bad-mouthing her. This is how she is, I'm sure you love her anyway, but it was the reason for your concerns.
Maybe invite her partner if she's with somebody, or just her if she's broken up now. If there's someone else closer to the date then you could always invite them word of mouth.
That's how we planned our numbers. All our single friends were planned as plus one just in case they had to be invited with their new bf/gf. We've just sent invites and have removed +1's where they weren't needed, but at least we'd already budgeted on the conservative side.

stinkle

Gatica makes some great points. To be fair to the OP, she was originally torn between her parents assuming the boyfriend was going, and her siblings being put out by this assumption, and it all falling back on her with all the complaining texts. I don't think she had really 100% decided herself one way or the other, which is why she posted here looking for advice.

Anyone who's "on again/off again" is a guestlist dilemma, especially if you're aiming for a small wedding, but it's extra difficult when everyone's a critic and giving their opinion. No bride or groom wants to hurt anyone's feelings

LifesgoodwithLG

Op you asked for oppinion which were given, as it wasn't the right answer you were looking for you , you came on board giving your sisters sexual / relationship history and than using BOLD to say that was a different person from your nephews father. Do you think that you are representing her in a good light ? Personally out of respect I would always invite guests with a plus one, I believe that its only polite, Question are you going to invite your sister with a plus one ?


Always good to try and see things from the other point of view, reread your 3 posts and think how would your sister feel if she read them? I am sorry if I offended you , it wasn't intentional however after rereading your posts again they still come across as extremely judgemental regarding your sister.

All said and done best of luck with your wedding, I hope that you have a lovely day and enjoy a life of happiness with your husband, LG

u_c_thesecond wrote: »

how did i TRASH her exactly? I told the truth, i explained why i felt i had a right to be wary seen this is the 2nd man she has lived with out of four men in the last two years. Im telling how she is with men so how is it trashing her?

I love my sister but she falls for men within days and makes commitments without thinkin. Her son was planned with a man she was dating five weeks and now he has fecked off.

Iv mentioned no names, no one knows who i am or who my sister is on here, i wanted advice on an issue regarding my wedding invites and you think im slagging off my sister? She goes through men like a mad woman and thats the truth and i feel i had a right to be wary, as i said before some my family were going mad because they know how fast she goes through partners and were giving out about him coming to wedding.

tinkerbell

I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP.

OP, I can see why you didn't wanna invite the guy - your sister is ploughing through men and no doubt you'd be looking at your wedding pics in years to come and this random fling of your sister's would be in all the pics. It's hard to take her relationships seriously if she's moving in with them / talking babies / marriage within 5 mins of meeting them.

However I see your dilemma has been solved since she's broken up with him. If it's a small wedding, you should be only inviting serious partners and judging by her track record, moving in with someone doesn't really mean serious partner with her.

Good luck with all the wedding planning. It can be a stressful time if you let other people dictate to you, so tell them to mind their own business and invite who you want.

seamus

I think it was fair enough for the OP to provide a little background. If she had just said, "Problem solved, they broke up", I'm sure plenty of people would have slated her for being a heartless cow. Instead she explains a little more and she gets accused of slating her sister. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

In any case, I think the advice is still sound. Your sister is probably quite "passionate", so not inviting him might have caused an almighty row from her POV.

I'm not sure how long you've got till your wedding, but if you can wait for the dust to settle a little and make sure your sister knows that she doesn't have a +1 for the wedding, so even if she has someone new by that time, they're not going. It also means you can close the door on her ex, on the off-chance that they get back together you still have a legitimate reason for not inviting him.
It may save you some headaches down the line if she starts kicking up two weeks beforehand about bringing someone.

Gatica

The forum is anonymous, and unless her sister uses it as well, she's hopefully unlikely to come to the conclusion that this thread is about her. Therefore, I don't see the big deal about explaining the background to her dilemma.
Whether she's being judgemental or not, is beside the point, the question was about how to handle inviting or not inviting her sister's bf. Even if she's being judgemental, that's her prerogative, not like everyone here hasn't done the same to the OP...

LifesgoodwithLG wrote: »

Personally out of respect I would always invite guests with a plus one, I believe that its only polite

I think even this point has been discussed to death on this forum. Not everyone feels that +1 should be the de facto. So I wouldn't push someone to do this, especially when they want a small wedding.

Play it by ear and see how it goes closer to the date....