Boyfriend still in the closet to his parents

bikeman1

Hi guys,

My partner and I have been going out for over three years now. I am 23 and he is 26. I am out to my parents and everyone who needs to know, and never hide the fact that I'm gay to anyone. My bf and I don't live togather at the moment, due to work / social reasons, but normally stay over with each other about 3 nights a week.

Anyway, he is out to his friends and his brother but not to his parents. His brother dos not want him to tell his parents as they are very old fashioned and traditional and much older than my parents, nearly 20 years difference in age. My bf also thinks it would be a bad idea and says his dad will probably have a heart attack and it's the last thing the family need.


I have respected his will for years, but I feel that he should be open to his parents about who he really is as opposed to lying. I have spoken to him about it loads of times but, he won't change his mind.

While wedding bells are not on the cards at the moment, it would be nice to know that at least his parents knew about his sexuality and my existence, which at the moment is not the case. While my parents have met him a good few times and have no issues what so ever with our relationship (not that it's any of their business!)

So I'm a little confused as to what to do from here??

Should I keep pressuring him or leave it be?

Cheers,

foggy_lad

bikeman1 wrote: »

Hi guys,

My partner and I have been going out for over three years now. I am 23 and he is 26. I am out to my parents and everyone who needs to know, and never hide the fact that I'm gay to anyone. My bf and I don't live togather at the moment, due to work / social reasons, but normally stay over with each other about 3 nights a week.

Anyway, he is out to his friends and his brother but not to his parents. His brother dos not want him to tell his parents as they are very old fashioned and traditional and much older than my parents, nearly 20 years difference in age. My bf also thinks it would be a bad idea and says his dad will probably have a heart attack and it's the last thing the family need.


I have respected his will for years, but I feel that he should be open to his parents about who he really is as opposed to lying. I have spoken to him about it loads of times but, he won't change his mind.

While wedding bells are not on the cards at the moment, it would be nice to know that at least his parents knew about his sexuality and my existence, which at the moment is not the case. While my parents have met him a good few times and have no issues what so ever with our relationship (not that it's any of their business!)

So I'm a little confused as to what to do from here??

Should I keep pressuring him or leave it be?

Cheers,

I would say unless they are living with their heads buried in the garden they have a good idea that their son is "a confirmed batchelor". But telling them and confirming this for people of that generation needs a lot of thought as while they are probably as loving and accepting as parents can get they will be thinking of the overall reaction to such news in the locality and what will the neighbours think etc.

Unless ye were staying over in his parents house a few times a week and you were expected to take the sofa I would say nothing, It is up to him to decide how he tells his own parents and he may never feel the time is right but this does not have to affect the relationship you have with him!

stephen_n

How much impact does it have on your life and on your relationship? To me this is the important question you need to ask yourself. If the answer is an awful lot then your partner needs to hear you, if the answer is not much then maybe you should respect your partners feelings and give time,time.

1ZRed

I think this is a legitimate want from him. You've been together for 3 years in a serious relationship and you want there to be a future but it's hard to imagine it if he's still closeted so how could you go about getting married if he has no notion of coming out to his parents.

I know it's easier said than done but though sh1t, he needs to come out so you two can be completely open and at ease. As I said, if he's not out, nor has the intention to, I doubt you'll have much of a significant future- as in getting married.
Well this is obviously something that you're understanding about but not content with and you've put enough time into the relationship to have this. I think it would kind of block the progress overall and keep the relationship from getting further if he stayed in the closet. He's 26 now and that's more than time enough to be out if he's already told his friends and brother. It might not be half as bad as he thinks, coming out is ALWAYS worse in your head than reality so he shouldn't ignore it. What's he waiting for? For them to die?

Your wants are just as valid as his but if he's still reluctant to come out, do you see yourself sitting around and waiting for something that's not guaranteed to happen?

Dwn Wth Vwls

I think you need to ask yourself why you want his parents to know. Is it really what's best for everyone, is it just because you think that's how things "should" be, or is it because it'll make you feel better somehow?

If it's not directly affecting you, I'm inclined to think it's not a particularly important thing to do. If it's damaging your relationship, then that's something else.

bikeman1

Thanks for the first few replies. Firstly I forgot to mention that my bf lives in his own place, so it's not a question of me sleeping on the couch!

I have only ever seen a photo of his mother and father.

You ask how much does it effect our relationship. Of course it doesn't affect the relationship in a serious way, but it is something that is niggling there in the background all the time.

Imagine, the person you love, for over three years, who's parents don't even know I exist. My thinking is god forbid, if anything ever happened to him, I would be totally blanked out by the family, as I would just be some randomer, when the reality is I am the most important person in his life.

I know of plenty of people who come from older more traditional family backgrounds who are out. Also his cousin is out to the whole family and they don't seem to have a big problem with it.

1ZRed

bikeman1 wrote: »

Thanks for the first few replies. Firstly I forgot to mention that my bf lives in his own place, so it's not a question of me sleeping on the couch!

I have only ever seen a photo of his mother and father.

You ask how much does it effect our relationship. Of course it doesn't affect the relationship in a serious way, but it is something that is niggling there in the background all the time.

Imagine, the person you love, for over three years, who's parents don't even know I exist. My thinking is god forbid, if anything ever happened to him, I would be totally blanked out by the family, as I would just be some randomer, when the reality is I am the most important person in his life.

I know of plenty of people who come from older more traditional family backgrounds who are out. Also his cousin is out to the whole family and they don't seem to have a big problem with it.

Oh read to much into this!:o

But yeah I think that's very understandable and a fair ask of him. I suppose I can't give advice on coming out to family but I plan on telling my sister soon and I know it's not going to be a problem but it's still in my head that I'll fcuk up the dynamic of the family so that's something stopping me right now even though it's all in my head.

But in fairness I'm 18 and although my family isn't very traditional (just normal) I am from a rural area and I would be the first gay person ever (that anyone knew of) in my family on both sides so it would be difficult but I'm going to do it and be out to everyone in under a year or so. I think I owe myself that.
Now he's 26, so you'd think he would have built the confidence in order to do it. It's just the last push to tell his parents, he's out to everyone else.

alot of my friends waited till there parents were dead to starting having realationship sad but true

in my parents eyes im a bacholor dont wanna be with any girl

im doing the same as my friends ill live a lonely life till theyll die

i just wish they didnt have so much control over me

so i like guy what the big deal

i_am_joey

maybe they knew about it but prefers not to talk about it?

baby and crumble

OP, I've been with my GF for nearly 9 years, and there is a large proportion of her family she's not out to. For the first few years it really bothered me, much like you. I was out to my family, friends, everything. However, my family have always been a bit odd and liberal, so I knew nothing terrible would really happen when I came out to them.

However, some of her family members who do know about us have asked us not to be out as a couple around the rest of the family. AS far as I see it now, having the benefit of a god few years together behind us- it doesn't hugely impact upon my life. Yes,there are a few things we need to be extra discreet about, but in the grand scheme of things, it's not a big deal to me. It used to be.

Look at this objectively for a minute. If you had something that you were extremely uncomfortable about that your boyfriend kept pressuring you to do- how would you feel? Do you really want to risk what seems to be a great relationship by giving your bf some kind of ultimatum- "it's me or your family"? Because most of the time, family will win.

All I'd say is really think about how much this directly effects you now. Don't get so caught up about the future yet, you never know what will happen, both bad and good. Yes, in a perfect world everyone would be out, no-one would give a crap about who their children were in love with and that would be that. But if he's not comfortable with coming out to his parents, you need to respect that, and rather than try to change his mind of manipulate him into coming out, you need to look at yourself and see if it's a make or break for you.

1ZRed

Deleted User wrote: »

alot of my friends waited till there parents were dead to starting having realationship sad but true

in my parents eyes im a bacholor dont wanna be with any girl

im doing the same as my friends ill live a lonely life till theyll die

i just wish they didnt have so much control over me

so i like guy what the big deal

Why would you knowingly do that if you've seen first hand what it does?

If you feel you're going to be lonely until they die, why not just come out and tell them? If they take it badly, you're still going to be lonely on that front anyway so what difference would it make. At least you can go about looking for a guy to be with. He's the one that's going to be with you for your life, not your parents.

They have control on you? It's always your happiness above theirs, why would you waste your life away miserable running out of time and missing experiences just to please others? Honestly, fuck that! Take control of your life and do what you like;)

Beruthiel

bikeman wrote:

Should I keep pressuring him or leave it be?

Don't put pressure on him, it won't help and if anything, will just get his back up.

His brother dos not want him to tell his parents

It was wrong of his brother to ask that.
Does he realise what it was he asked?
That your b/f should deny who he is.
He should deny the fact that you are his partner and that ye have a life together.

My thinking is god forbid, if anything ever happened to him, I would be totally blanked out by the family, as I would just be some randomer, when the reality is I am the most important person in his life.

Have you said that to him?

Do you think his parents will take it badly if he is honest with them?

Deleted User wrote: »

im doing the same as my friends ill live a lonely life till theyll die

You might die before them.

i just wish they didnt have so much control over me

They have control over your life because you allow them to.

stephen_n

bikeman1 wrote: »

Imagine, the person you love, for over three years, who's parents don't even know I exist. My thinking is god forbid, if anything ever happened to him, I would be totally blanked out by the family, as I would just be some randomer, when the reality is I am the most important person in his life.

it.

That is a really horrible sittuation to be and it's very easy to see where your coming from. However relationships are about compromise and asking someone who is not ready, to come out to their parents is a very big thing to ask.

It seems you want the acknowledgement of your relationship by his family which is perfectly understandable. However what happens if even after he comes out, his family refuse to acknowledge you or the relationship and you are left with a partner resenting you for making him do something he didnt want to.

There is no easy answer, you will have to decide which is worse for you, leaving things as they are or risking damaging the long term future of your relationship by forcing this. In essence are you strong enough to live with either choice?

Chuchoter

On the one hand, I don't think anyone should come out for anyone other than themselves, so while ultimatums should be avoided, I think you do need to have a serious conversation about where this is going.

I don't really think being out to his immediate family is a massive ask from you. At 26, that shove out the closet door might be what he needs to not be closeted forever. I don't think anyone has ever had a heart attack over a coming out. You've been going out a long time, I think you deserve for him to make some steps forward. The longer he leaves coming out, the scarier its going to be.

Pedant

Nobody is the same, people come from different backgrounds. Not all people are as accepting of same-sex relationships as others, unfortunately. I know Ireland isn't the Middle East but it's still not fully open to these things.

I don't know exactly how closed minded his parents are to the idea, but if they're really conservative they could totally turn against him if he came out. That might in turn effect his relationship with you because he could think you made him come out, thus jeopardizing his relationship with his parents. It's just one way of looking at it, I know. But say that was the case, would you rather he stayed silent about it to his parents not to jeopardize his relationship with them and also be in a relationship with you?

I certainly wouldn't blame him if he felt like coming out to his parents would jeopardize his relationship with them, it's not his fault they're like that. I think you should leave it up to him. It mightn't be a case of him not being ready to come out to his parent, he might be ready but his parents mightn't be ready.

I know that it'd be a while yet until I come out to my parents as they're kind of backwards. They're from that old conservative rural Catholic type of background and they're also quite involved with their local Church. Sometimes I think they're stuck in the 60/70s with some of their views.

ThatsAWrap

I think you should keep brining it up to be honest. You guys have been together 3 years and his parents should know you exist. Everyone might be underestimating his parents too - my parents would would have been very old fashioned in their views about gay people until I came out to them and they've been great.

floggg

A couple of things. Firstly, if his bro told him not to tell them, maybe that might tell you something about their possible reactions. If their kids don't think they'll take it well, the chances are they weren't.

Secondly, everybody is looking at this from the OP's point of view. Do you think your bf is ready for this? Is he confident and secure enough to confront them on this. Is he strong enough to take it in his stride if they take it badly? Is he close to his family, or dependant on them?

Obviously, you need to do what's right or yourself OP. But part of being in a relationship is making sacrifices and putting your partners needs above yours sometimes. You need to make allowances for the insecurities or idiosyncrasies.

One of you has to make a sacrifice of sorts here - either he comes out to his parents and deals with the consequences or you accept his difficulties in doing so, and wait until he's ready to do so in his own time (letting him know you are there for him when he feels ready).

Do you think this is important enough to you to ask him to come out? Or is this a something you can accept out of love.

bikeman1

Thanks lads for your responses.

Ok to answer a few points, his brother fully knows what he said. I have met him loads of times and is a lovely guy, but he feels that his parents would be better off not knowing. Also, this brother was married to this stunner, but she divorced him last year and things are a bit fragile. My BF's parents are dying for grandchildren and thought this would come firstly through his brother and his wife, but that is all over. Now my bf is going to come out as gay, so it would be the final straw for them.

It is just the brothers, who know their parents best, but still doesn't make it ok.

I have talked through this at length with my bf, and he has said for two years that he would tell them, but he cant.

It is by no means a deal breaker for me. I have had no problems with this for the last three years, but it is starting to ware thin. He is 26 and totally comfortable about being gay. He has been happy with that since he was 18, so it;s not something new.

Like I said, god forbid, if something happened, or even better if I wanted to marry him, I wouldn't be known to his parents, which after 3 amazing, fun, up and down years is not good enough for me. I don't want to meet the parents or anything, just let them know that their son has been going out with me for 3 years and that he is gay (and not a bachelor like his father thinks). That is all.

I am not going to force this, he too much of an amazing guy to do that to, but I need to know I'm not going mad thinking that his folks should at least know of me!!

stephen_n

bikeman1 wrote: »

I need to know I'm not going mad thinking that his folks should at least know of me!!

Nothing wrong with what your heart desires at all, in an ideal world, what you want would be the most natural desire and easiest to fulfill, but the world we live in is far from that. It's such a pity but on a positive note you seem lucky enough to have found a good relationship with a great guy.

DubArk

My Partner never really had that conversation with his parents they been Traditional Country Irish folk who moved to the UK back in the late 50’s…. His father passed away never knowing about us or Him, his mother knew much later on, but never discussed it and she is now very old with dementia, bless her…. We love her so much and yet she doesn’t really know who I am, to her son!!

We, very early on in our relationship, especially when we started to spend money, buying things like a home, cars and other shi*e, we got in contact with a solicitor and made our Wills and Declarations of Trust, so that may be a way for you to alleviates any worries you may have going forward. Leave him alone is my advice and let him handle the coming out thing to his parents when/if he’s ready… just be there for him!:)

Conor30

Good post DubArk.
@ Bikeman1 I think the best thing is to just be there for your bf. Leave it to himself to come out if and when he's ready. Otherwise, he could end up resenting you for pushing you or for not supporting him, as he sees it.