so lost, don't know what to do anymore

LegacyUser

I’ve been on here before talking about my friends, and let’s just say, the situation hasn’t changed. I said before about how they’re saying I’m not my “happy self” anymore, but now they’re saying I’m being selfish and not treating them right. For all I know, I am the one being mis treated.

The three of them live together, so I have a feeling they feed off one another. My self esteem took a dip this year, and it’s been taking it’s toll on all my relationships. My boyfriend broke up with me, my friend’s don’t seem bothered with me anymore, I don’t know what to do.

One of the girls, who we’re all just recently becoming close with, but who I’ve never had a problem with, and I were meant to be moving in together. She asked me a couple of weeks ago whether I was sure I could do it. At the time, things with my boyfriend were coming to an end, and I was having a really rough tme, so I told her I wasn’t 100% sure, that I was still saving for the deposit and stuff, but that I needed another bit of time to think about it (note that this was at the end of June, and her lease wasn’t up until the end of July). So then yesterday I text her saying that I will move in with her, and she came back and said “look, I don’t think we should move in together, you can’t just change your mind and expect me to go alone with it to please you”. Now, I know I let her down, but I never actually said that I WOULDN’T move in with her, but that I wasn’t sure, am I not allowed to be unsure?

Next she starts saying how my replies were selfish, how me saying now that I’ll move in is selfish, how I’m mis treating my other friends and goes on to say “if you don’t know how you’re being selfish, there is something seriously wrong with you, but I can tell you this, if you keep treating your friends this way, you’ll end up as billy no mates”

All I could do was stare in horror at this. I just don’t know what I’ve done to have them thinking these things. I try to talk to them, but they don’t get back to me. I ask to meet up, but they’re always doing something else. I am making the effort, and she has the cheek to say I’m mistreating them. I know that the issues I am going through at the moment have taken its toll on a lot of things, I know that sometimes I can lash out and say things before thinking, but I never meant to hurt anyone (if I have). I just feel so utterly confused, because to be honest, I feel like the victim here… but maybe that’s my selfishness talking.. I just don’t know who I am any more..

I’ll appreciate any advice given.

dannyc31

my advice would be to seek out a CBT therapist. it is clear from what you're saying you dont think you're a selfish person, what you probably dont realise is thats not what you are projecting onto others by your actions i.e. boyfriends & friends. what i mean is by your behaviours, you are probably ALWAYS putting yourself first without thinking of the other people involved and how it might affect them.

where i agree it is is always a good thing to think of your own well being, but when this results in you never thinking about the feelings and reactions of others close to you is were it becomes a problem.

a CBT therapist will help you spot those situations were you are projecting a selfish point of view and help you to correct them before they happen. like many problems its about accepting you have a problem first before you can fix them. the thing about yours is its been on an unconscious level so you have'nt actually realised you are doing it.

best of luck

thefeatheredcat

I think a bit of understanding regarding your friend and moving in with her needs to come from both your friend and yourself.

I can understand that you being upfront in stating you weren't sure and needed time to raise the deposit might have raised an issue with your friend and to be seen as creating uncertainty for her; after all she has a lease that is about to be terminated or renewed and could be under pressure to find a new place and make plans; at the very least she may well be disappointed or has made alternative arrangements and now doesn't know what to do, but the flip side of that is if had assured full confidence in moving in together and her having made payments and decisions only for you to come along at the last minute saying you could not afford it or bailed out the situation she is now faced with would be worse than the situation she is in now.

On the other side your friend should show more understanding that you have been going through a difficult time and that in your position things haven't been easy; if the situation was reversed I'm sure it would be you showing more understanding and empathy like any friend would following on from a break up and losing confidence and generally feeling like everything is up in the air.

To me it sounds like this friend has an issue with you and that is her issue, not yours. I can only suggest that if you feel like your friends are overall mistreating you that you consider the merit of the friendships as to whether you wish them to continue or not.

LegacyUser

dannyc31 wrote: »

my advice would be to seek out a CBT therapist. it is clear from what you're saying you dont think you're a selfish person, what you probably dont realise is thats not what you are projecting onto others by your actions i.e. boyfriends & friends. what i mean is by your behaviours, you are probably ALWAYS putting yourself first without thinking of the other people involved and how it might affect them.

where i agree it is is always a good thing to think of your own well being, but when this results in you never thinking about the feelings and reactions of others close to you is were it becomes a problem.

a CBT therapist will help you spot those situations were you are projecting a selfish point of view and help you to correct them before they happen. like many problems its about accepting you have a problem first before you can fix them. the thing about yours is its been on an unconscious level so you have'nt actually realised you are doing it.

best of luck

I am already seeing a CBT therapist, I'm on my third week now. I understand what you are saying. I do feel like I've maybe been a bit selfish, but I just can't see where, and they won't tell me where, or just say I don't know. If they came to me with their problems, like they did before, I would very much help, it's what I love to do best, but like I said, they just haven't been getting back to me, so I don't know what's going on in their lives at all now..

dannyc31

thats because their perception of you is pretty much deep rooted at this stage. it was probably the case they always knew you were a little selfish but didnt let it get in the way of you becoming a friend. but maybe its just got a bit too much and instead of bottling it up they are letting you know how they are feeling.

theres probably not one instance were you can ask your friends to give examples cause they probably cant remember exact instances, but its the build up over years of many instances that produced their perception of you being a selfish person.

anyway i would give the CBT more time 3 sessions is nothing, might take about 10 before you start realising all your selfish behaviours.

the point is you want the therapy to get you to a place were you dont need people to point out when you're being too selfish, you want to be able to spot it yourself and take corrective action in advance.

LegacyUser

so I told her I wasn’t 100% sure, that I was still saving for the deposit and stuff, but that I needed another bit of time to think about it (note that this was at the end of June, and her lease wasn’t up until the end of July). So then yesterday I text her saying that I will move in with her, and she came back and said “look, I don’t think we should move in together, you can’t just change your mind and expect me to go alone with it to please you”. Now, I know I let her down, but I never actually said that I WOULDN’T move in with her, but that I wasn’t sure, am I not allowed to be unsure?

Do you think maybe it's your general attitude rather than specific things you've done Op?

Honestly if one of my friends did what you've described above i'd think her really selfish tbh. Ok fair enough you were uncertain and said you weren't sure, that's fine, but if i were in your friends shoes the problem for me would be you texting 2ish weeks later and saying "I will move in with you", like it didn't even cross your mind that maybe she had arranged to move in with someone else, already made other arrangements, that oh yeah I've agreed so drop everything attitude....there's a way of phrasing these things...

I mean you could've texted "hey sorry i kept you waiting so long, but if you haven't made other plans i'd love to move in with you but understand if you have" but instead you texted "I will move in with you".... I mean can you see the difference between those two approaches? ...most people would have show more consideration.

If it is your attitude then that would account for your friends not being able to tell you specifics. It's the subtle things which, build up over time that paint a picture of you and they may just be beginning to realise it's a selfish one.

Maybe i'm way off the mark OP but it's something to consider.

If it was only one friend who had an issue with you OP i'd be inclined to think they were the one with the issue, but if a number of your friends feel the same then you have to accept they could be right

LegacyUser

I agree with what you're saying, but if I have been selfish, I'm not the only one. They've been pretty selfish too, they admitted that they had to be.. But I wish they would come to me instead of talking about me behind my back.

Priori

It's quite possible that you're no more selfish than anyone else, and the fact that you're conscious of it probably makes you a lot less so if you ask me.

What I picked up from your original post was that perhaps these friends you're talking about have convinced themselves you're being "selfish" mainly because you're down in the dumps and they're too selfish to want much to do with you. Fair-weather friends is the term you might use. Are there elements of this do you think? And the three of them living together - it's hard to imagine them being objective about you, and much easier to imagine them reinforcing their own biases.

BarackPyjama

OP - aside from this isolated moving in issue, how about everything else? Now I'm just taking a stab in the dark here... but... would you say that you're the kind of person that flakes at the last minute and cancels arrangement, nights out, parties you've arranged, etc? Are your relationships turbulent at all or did your exes accuse you of mistreating them even if you didn't see it yourself? Do you suffer from any anxiety issues? I just ask these questions because either 1) there's a much deeper issue here or 2) possibly your friends are just overreacting?