Not really physically attracted at all anymore

LegacyUser

I'm very happy with my partner, we're perfectly suited in so many ways and are extremely close, to the point where we really don't wouldn't know what we would do without one another.

However, there is little to no physical attraction remaining what (we live together and have been with each other for 3 years). We could go a couple of months without sex and it being no big deal. In fact we regularly joke about it.

It does sometimes worry me a little though. I'm just looking for some outside feedback on this, as there is a slight niggle within me that if this is the way it is then it really needs to be examined before we commit long term (i.e. marriage).

And if there is practically no tendency for either of us to behave in a sexualized manner towards each other, is there much point "making an effort" to spice things up? How much of an effort should it be?

Toast4532

try talking to your partner to see about making changes for the better and hopefully being able to have a sexual relationship

sex is very important in an adult relationship, sex every few months isn't normal for a happy, healthy, relationship unless there is a good reason you can't have sex.

if it niggling at you now it will only get worse if you don't sort it out soon

dannyc31

I'm very happy with my partner, we're perfectly suited in so many ways and are extremely close, to the point where we really don't wouldn't know what we would do without one another.

i worry that your first sentence was not i love my partner very much. i'm no expert but it does take that extra spark that will trigger love & attraction to make a serious relationship last. sounds to me you two have entered the friends zone which will kill most relationships. i'm sure if you were to question couples who end things together mutually after this same period of time they may say exactly your opening two statements.

imo its not the basis of a long term relationship. it seems it would be all too easy for either of you's to run off with someone that you found you were incredibly attracted too.

i would sit down and have a serious talk to your partner about this, its not really a laughing matter.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Nowadays it's made out that sex is the most important thing in life, and in a relationship, but it's totally, totally, not. Now don't get me wrong I love a mind blowing orgasm as much as the next girl but it's nowhere near as important as people/media make out. For instance respect, trust, honesty, affection, humour, support etc are all just as important.

It sounds to me like you love you guys love each other deeply and are quite content with the sex life that you have. I wouldn't "try to spice things up" in the bedroom unless you are feeling a lack of sex or of excitment if you know what I mean? I suppose I'm saying if it ain't broken don't fix it.

I think from telly/magazines people feel this pressure to be having sex every day hanging from the ceiling, wearing PVC, with a vibrator in their as*, don't believe the hype OP, it's just used to sell stuff. Not everyone is uber sexual but guess what? It's ok to be content with sex every couple of months. I studied marketing in college and it's amazing how much sex is used to sell stuff, it's made out that you're a freak or a loser if you don't want to be at it morning, noon and night and it does get into your subconscious after a while which may be why you're questioning your sex life?

Honestly if you're happy together, still having fun, still excited to see them after an absence, look forward to telling them about your day then you've got a good relationship.

Stop putting pressure on yourself and enjoy your lovely loving relationship.

Best of luck.

ibarelycare

OP it sounds like you and your partner are best friends who love each other's company, rather than two people in a relationship.

Are you and your partner intimate in any other ways? Do you kiss, cuddle, hold hands?

When you say there is no physical or sexual desire anymore, does that only apply to each other, or to other people as well? This is a very serious issue that you both need to sit down and discuss. If you both decide that you're just not very sexual people, you've little interest in having sex with anyone, let alone each other, and you're happy to have infrequent sex for the rest of your lives, then that's fine.

However if either of you still has any sort of sexual needs, just not with the other person, then this situation is a problem.

Sex is a very important part of a relationship. It's intimate and special, it helps build closer emotional and loving bonds. Sex differentiates a romantic relationship from a platonic relationship.

Piliger

Hi OP.

There are NO rules about relationships, other than the partners being happy. That's it. Period. Who the hell cares what is 'normal' ????

What matters here is whether the two of you are happy and in love with each other and want to stay together. The world is obsessed with sex, mainly because it earns the Media gazillions. But the range of actual behaviour involves an astronomical range of tastes. From those who think about and engage in sex every day, multiple times, to those who think about it once a year. Even less.

What matters is what you two people want. Have you discussed it ? Are you happy that both of you are happy with the way things are ? Because if you are, then please don't listen to the 'normal' people. Don't listen to the Media. Don't accept the pressure to 'conform'.

Just listen to each other and continue being happy together.

SheFiend

I agree with Philiger. If you are both happy and satisfied then this simply isn't a problem. In fact, it's a big bonus that the two of you are sexually compatible!
Honestly: do not judge your relationship by other people's standards.

The Princess Bride

Everything is great but wrote: »

We could go a couple of months without sex and it being no big deal. In fact we regularly joke about it.

If this works for you both,that is great.

IMHO,it would only be an issue ,if either of you wanted it more often or less often than the other one.

There is no such thing as "normal" in any relationship- only what is acceptable to both .

Best of luck!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. Really appreciate it.

dannyc31 wrote:

i worry that your first sentence was not i love my partner very much

Well I guess I should have mentioned that if it wasn't clear. We actually tell each other several times a day, really meaning it.

ibarelycare wrote:

Are you and your partner intimate in any other ways? Do you kiss, cuddle, hold hands?

I also should have mentioned this too - we are very 'cuddly' I guess you could say, and would always hold hands when walking together.

Piliger wrote:

The world is obsessed with sex, mainly because it earns the Media gazillions. But the range of actual behaviour involves an astronomical range of tastes. From those who think about and engage in sex every day, multiple times, to those who think about it once a year. Even less.

What matters is what you two people want. Have you discussed it ? Are you happy that both of you are happy with the way things are ? Because if you are, then please don't listen to the 'normal' people. Don't listen to the Media. Don't accept the pressure to 'conform'.

Thanks Piliger, really refreshing to hear that. We're happy to have things this way - it's quite possibly the physical side may rekindle, but it just doesn't feel like a deal-breaker at all. At the end of the day, nobody will remain young and attractive forever, so best to build on something that truly matters.

dannyc31

Hey OP,

Nowadays it's made out that sex is the most important thing in life, and in a relationship, but it's totally, totally, not. Now don't get me wrong I love a mind blowing orgasm as much as the next girl but it's nowhere near as important as people/media make out. For instance respect, trust, honesty, affection, humour, support etc are all just as important.

It sounds to me like you love you guys love each other deeply and are quite content with the sex life that you have. I wouldn't "try to spice things up" in the bedroom unless you are feeling a lack of sex or of excitment if you know what I mean? I suppose I'm saying if it ain't broken don't fix it.

I think from telly/magazines people feel this pressure to be having sex every day hanging from the ceiling, wearing PVC, with a vibrator in their as*, don't believe the hype OP, it's just used to sell stuff. Not everyone is uber sexual but guess what? It's ok to be content with sex every couple of months. I studied marketing in college and it's amazing how much sex is used to sell stuff, it's made out that you're a freak or a loser if you don't want to be at it morning, noon and night and it does get into your subconscious after a while which may be why you're questioning your sex life?

Honestly if you're happy together, still having fun, still excited to see them after an absence, look forward to telling them about your day then you've got a good relationship.

Stop putting pressure on yourself and enjoy your lovely loving relationship.

while this all sounds dandy in principle, its not always enough in the real world. if sex was of little importance in relationships then there would be no booming prostitution trade ( a large amount of the punters being married men) and no affairs going on.

now i know people cheat, or use sex services for many reasons but one of the primary reasons is because they may not be getting what they want in the bedroom.

but i definitely agree with the point about there is no such thing as "normal" everyone is different and has different sized sex drives. some are not happy with twice a day some are perfectly happy with once a month if that works for you and your partner then who has the right to argue against. especially dont go by the media, its a sexed crazed industry because of the fact it sells so many products but they dont reflect the real world so they should never be seen as some sort of model to follow.

i just sensed from your tone that you were not overly happy with the frequency of sex in the relationship as it stands which is why i felt you may be entering into the friends zone which shouldnt really be happening after only 3years together. but if this is'nt the case then just keep doing what your doing. no rule book for relationships and if its working for you two no need to change for anyone or anything.

BraziliaNZ

What I don't understand about relationships in general is that when the sex fizzles out, what do you do if someone comes along and blows you away in every way? I.e. makes you weak at the knees, makes you want to go at it like rabbits for the rest of your life, are you supposed to go with that person? Should a relationship be based on how you get on, and lust? I wish there were clear answers to this sh*t!

Piliger

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

What I don't understand about relationships in general is that when the sex fizzles out, what do you do if someone comes along and blows you away in every way? I.e. makes you weak at the knees, makes you want to go at it like rabbits for the rest of your life, are you supposed to go with that person? Should a relationship be based on how you get on, and lust? I wish there were clear answers to this sh*t!

I guess this is the difference between dating and commitment to a life together and a mature relationship.

As you get older I assure you that you discover that sex is not the be all and end all of pleasures in life. You may not think it so now, but you will find it out.

People who chose to commit to a life together, by agreement or by marriage, do so knowing that temptation may arrive one day. But make the decision that if and when it does, they know that there are better things than sex and there is also such a thing as integrity and a personal commitment. This is why leaping into such a commitment based on short term passion and sex is such a dumb thing to do, yet millions of people do it every year and regret it later.

While you are dating, such an encounter is solid ground for a change of partner I agree. This is where it all changes.

Hey ... who said life would be easy ! :rolleyes:

Lorna123

Sex always fizzles out after a while and what you are left with is real love or nothing. OP you give the impression that you have real love now, so why take a chance on having great sex with someone new and being left with nothing when that fizzles out. Are you prepared to hop from partner to partner in search of the thrill of new sex every couple of years. I think that what you have is worth more.

dannyc31

What I don't understand about relationships in general is that when the sex fizzles out, what do you do if someone comes along and blows you away in every way? I.e. makes you weak at the knees, makes you want to go at it like rabbits for the rest of your life, are you supposed to go with that person? Should a relationship be based on how you get on, and lust? I wish there were clear answers to this sh*t!

what you're really asking is what does it mean to be truly in love with someone? its not a question easily answered but the answer is definitely not how great a time you have with each other in the sack.

really temptation will always be there it never goes away but thats really were the self control has to kick in. would you be really willing to risk all you have with a loving partner for a short term fling? for many they foolishly do take that chance and regret it later for others it really is just an excuse to escape what they are in because they were never truly in love in the first place but made the commitment thru marriage with only a short term view point in mind. i.e i'm really physically attracted to this person and the sex is amazing.

as piliger said millions of people a year make that commitment and many have no idea of what that means just blinded by the short term madly in love view point and not asking themselves how will i feel about this person in 10, 20 years were the sex will of fizzled out and they may not be as attractive as they once were.

if all of this doesnt sound like a good deal well den hey, dont do it. just stay single and if you're happy to just date without any need for permanent commitment then so be it. but i think most people dont go for this option because most at some stage would like to start a family one day so you kinda need to find someone that you feel you can commit too.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

It's an old adage but I think it's true - as long as you are both honestly and truly happy then there is no issue...at no point should you be changing your harmonious relationship dynamics because you think it isn't "normal"...

There are pairings that have active and regular sex all through their relationships, some fizzle out, some only have sex very infrequently from the get go. If it's working for you both - and you are both confident and happy in a relationship in which there is no sexual attraction then I don't think you have anything to be concerned about.

I think there is only going to be a problem with low libido when partners are mismatched and one or other is unhappy/unsatisfied/resentful...or partners find their libido stirring with someone outside the platonic relationship.

All the best.