My Grandfather Is About to Become a Father Again...at 80

LegacyUser

I'm going unregistered for this as I post here quite a lot and I don't really want this getting back to me. It's just an unbelivable situation quite frankly...

I have just found out that my Grandfather is about to become a father again at 80. He's my Dad's father and I'm more posting here for my Dad then me. My Grandfather married a much younger woman a few years ago (he did this in the US btw where this kind of thing seems to be more common) and there were a couple of problems surrounding the marriage - the kind of "this is a disgrace" that you'd expect from family members and inlaws on my Grandmothers side - believe me, you think this kind of thing only happens on TV, until you find out your own family is doing it.

At first we didn't ask questions on whether the marriage was consumated or not (why would you) but now it seems that my Grandfather is actually sexually active with this woman and has now concieved a child.

I've Googled this online and found out a couple of famous examples, Irish Rebel leader Michael Collins father was about that age when he was born, the guy who played Scotty in Star Trek fathered a daughter at 80...and even my Uncle had his youngest daughter when he was in his 60s (not that late, but still)...so it seems to be the norm (asides from my own Dad) to have children later in life in this family.

I'm not condemning what he's done, but I'm a little worried, I'm thinking it was a little selfish to bring a child into this world. How old does he expect he will live? If he does see his/her 20th birthday he'd be 100....surely that's a pause for concern?

My Dad is really cut up about it. He never taught in a million years that his elderly father would be remarrying...let alone having children in his 80s...and it's seemed to hit him hard. I'm obviously there to support my Dad but I do question how I'm supposed to act around my Grandfather and his wife, should I be pleased for them or should I just pretend like it's not happening....

Beruthiel

WeirdSituation wrote: »

should I be pleased for them or should I just pretend like it's not happening....

Why wait for other people to tell you how you should feel?

How do you want to react to this news?

ElleEm

WeirdSituation wrote: »

I'm going unregistered for this as I post here quite a lot and I don't really want this getting back to me. It's just an unbelivable situation quite frankly...

I have just found out that my Grandfather is about to become a father again at 80. He's my Dad's father and I'm more posting here for my Dad then me. My Grandfather married a much younger woman a few years ago (he did this in the US btw where this kind of thing seems to be more common) and there were a couple of problems surrounding the marriage - the kind of "this is a disgrace" that you'd expect from family members and inlaws on my Grandmothers side - believe me, you think this kind of thing only happens on TV, until you find out your own family is doing it.

At first we didn't ask questions on whether the marriage was consumated or not (why would you) but now it seems that my Grandfather is actually sexually active with this woman and has now concieved a child.

I've Googled this online and found out a couple of famous examples, Irish Rebel leader Michael Collins father was about that age when he was born, the guy who played Scotty in Star Trek fathered a daughter at 80...and even my Uncle had his youngest daughter when he was in his 60s (not that late, but still)...so it seems to be the norm (asides from my own Dad) to have children later in life in this family.

I'm not condemning what he's done, but I'm a little worried, I'm thinking it was a little selfish to bring a child into this world. How old does he expect he will live? If he does see his/her 20th birthday he'd be 100....surely that's a pause for concern?

My Dad is really cut up about it. He never taught in a million years that his elderly father would be remarrying...let alone having children in his 80s...and it's seemed to hit him hard. I'm obviously there to support my Dad but I do question how I'm supposed to act around my Grandfather and his wife, should I be pleased for them or should I just pretend like it's not happening....

I understand that you are shocked by this.

You shouldn't pretend it's not happening, cos it is!
How does your grandfather and his wife feel about it? If they are pleased, then you should congratulate them and be pleased for them.
I find it strange that you sought validation through Google to find celebrities who have fathered children late.

Your own feelings are obviously important, but I don't think you should inflict your judgements on your grandfather and his wife.

Motley Crue

Interesting topic OP, I dunno what I'd do if this happened to me, but I guess people are having children much later in life these days for whatever reasons so it's probably best to just wish them best and (if you want) be prepared to be there for your Uncle/Aunt as they grow up (as weird as that sounds....)

My two cents, your Grandfather has had this child with his current wife so that she can have someone to be with once he's gone, maybe he realises his own mortality and they decided it would be nice for her to have someone to care for once he'd gone, someone who would represent an equal part of them...she obviously doesn't feel as if there will be much of a support network from his family once he does go and that people won't care for her much.

You don't address her as Grandmother in your post which might be out of respect to your late (?) Grandmother but I suspect it's also because you don't like this woman assuming that kind of space in your family.

Skuxx

WeirdSituation wrote: »

I'm not condemning what he's done, but I'm a little worried, I'm thinking it was a little selfish to bring a child into this world. How old does he expect he will live? If he does see his/her 20th birthday he'd be 100....surely that's a pause for concern?

Motley Crue wrote: »

My two cents, your Grandfather has had this child with his current wife so that she can have someone to be with once he's gone, maybe he realises his own mortality and they decided it would be nice for her to have someone to care for once he'd gone, someone who would represent an equal part of them...she obviously doesn't feel as if there will be much of a support network from his family once he does go and that people won't care for her much.

As soon as I started to read the thread, the first thing that came to me was he more than likly won't be around to see his childs 18th, and tbh I feel thats very wrong, but then I read Motley Crue's point which I think is very valid, so now I don't know what to think!!
Fact of the matter is there is nothing that can be done about it now, so best to be supportive of everybody involved as best you can!

username123

I think its brilliant that an 80 year old man can find love and have an active sex life. Would the family prefer if he was lonely and infirm?

Its not ideal to be having children in your 80s, but presumably as his wife is young enough to conceive then she is young enough to raise a child.

I understand people saying that its selfish, but its no more selfish than many other people who have children, those who expect the state to support them and every child they have, those who have addiction problems, those who have illnesses that would impact their raising a child, those who have illnesses that they are passing onto a child etc...

No situation is perfect, but in this case Id be happy for the man and the fact that he has been able to gain a new lease of life at such a late age.

irishbarb

It's not ideal, but the way I see it what's done is done. So you might as well be there for them and support them rather then being bitter and keeping your distance. Your family should especially be there for the baby. I mean, chances are the baby will only have it's Father for a few years of it's life.

Honey-ec

It's a very delicate situation. I don't think anyone would begrudge an elderly man a happy relationship after the death of his wife, but there's a natural order to things and having children at 80 who are going to be younger than your own grandchildren is not a part of it, for valid biological reasons if nothing else.

OP, only you can decide how you feel about the whole thing. It's going to be very difficult for everyone to deal with, especially your dad and his siblings (if he has any), so don't be afraid to speak to a professional counsellor if things start to get on top of you.

MicraBoy

I think it's just ageist to see this as anything other than a wonderful thing for your Grandfather and his wife.

As for your Dad well if he's upset it just goes to prove that no matter what age a child is, it is always difficult to see a parent move on with their own life after a marriage ends.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't know what the problem is. I understand the shock that family are probably feeling that your grandad moved on and remarried a much younger woman when your grandmother died. And maybe out of loyalty to your grandmother don't want to "accept" her too easily.

BUT....

It's your grandad's life. And he doesn't need his children's permission. It is very likely that he will not see his child into his/her teens. But I'm sure that is something he is very aware of, and doesn't need it pointed out to him!

The decision to have children is between him and his wife. Nobody else's business really.

I know it's weird, and strange for the extended family - but for your grandad & his wife it is wonderful news. It's probably bitter sweet for your grandad & his wife who know he won't get to see much of his child's life. So they will be happy and excited and saddened in probably equal measure.

I think give it time, and the family will get used to the idea.

Unless his wife has hinted at financial support and free childminding from your dad & aunts & uncles then I can't really see why it should affect them too badly.

knotknowbody

Don't mean to offend the OP, but her being pregnant, does not necessarily equal him being the dad.:(

I hope he is, and if he is fair play to him he is living his life how he wants, and not worrying about what other people think, let him enjoy himself, as for the child well it may or may not have a father growing up but if it doesn't them the onus is on the mother to support it, she has been a equal participant in this event and needs to take responsibility for it, she knew what she was potentially getting into.

Toast4532

congratulate them and get on with your own life.

what your grand father does is his business unless it affects you so you shouldnt get involved

KamiKazeKitten

Congratulate him, after all he's going to be a dad (again), and your family is going to gain a new baby.

It's his life, not yours. I do get that he will probably not live all that long and be that involved the childs life, but...I'd imagine this is something he's well aware of. So OP, if I were you I'd be there for him and his wife, support them and get ready to welcome the new arrival.

kiwipower

I understand it can be tough to get your head and the rest of your families head around it. And I wish you, your dad, your family and your Grandfather and his wife the best, and that you will all be comfortable and happy with the situation.
I also wish you all a happy healthy baby to extend your world.

If it helps any, I had a great uncle that remarried on his 80th birthday, after the death of his first wife. (He wanted to be a good catholic boy! Even if the new wife was also in her 70s!)
I understand it was very difficult for his children (and the new wife's children) to accept that he was seeing a new woman within a couple of years of their mothers passing. He explained to his children though, that he was not abandoning their mother, he still talked to her (memory) daily. For a long time he kept her ashes/urn in his bedroom. He felt he had his first wife's blessing. Maybe things have been similar for your grandfather? (I like everyone else am assuming that he is widowed. And my sympathies for the loss of your grandmother.)


As for those expressing a view about the fact that an 80year old father may not be around to raise his child. Unfortunately there are no guarantees for any baby or child that their parents will always be around. We wont all live till we are 80.

Besides watching my own grandparents (via their iPad on Skype and other technology that they teach me about,) Im beginning to think 80 might be the new 50!

Delancey

Great story ! Seriously I think its great that an 80 year old man can have an active sex life when so many people would write off someone at that age - yes it does mean he won't get to see his child grow up and that is a pity .
I'd love to think that were I alone at his age I could still find love ( and sex ).

I'd be happy for the man.

Such huge age differences were/are not as uncommon as one might think in the US. The US Veterans Administration was still paying American Civil War pensions at the dawn of this millenium ( war ended in 1865 ) - the receipents were elderly women who as teenagers or 20 somethings had married elderly war veterans in their 80's and 90's - these old guys died soon after but their widows kept their veterans widows pensions

calex71

As man I just wish we had a menopause like woman in cases like this, great he is still active at his age and more power to him but what has happened is that there is a child who will know a father in reality 5-10 years max

To be perfectly blunt and honest I find it quite appalling as even at the age of 32 I would be lost without my dad , yes yes she can remarry etc but the next guy is not going to be the child's dad and that matters to me at least.

Each to their own and his business is his own etc. go out the window imo when this happens .... I think it is completely selfish to deprive a child of a parent so needlessly .... and for the record this is coming from a guy who does not want kids of is own.

robman60

I know it's strange but I think it's just a situation you should accept and be happy for your grandfather.

For the people saying the man is selfish: I presume your basis is the child's father will not be around (presumably) for many more years. Would you hold the same view if a forty year old terminally ill person had a child?

Big Bag of Chips

Whether people think its selfish or not is irrelevant.. because it doesn't concern us!

This was a decision taken by 2 adults. Who, I can only guess, know exactly what is ahead in the next 10 years or so.

But it's THEIR decision.

Maybe it was an unplanned pregnancy?
Maybe it was a very much discussed and debated pregnancy?

Either way, it doesn't really affect his family, unless he is expecting them to take in the child or something.

xzanti

The woman is obviously still of child baring age.. there are plenty of children out there who's Fathers are no longer around for one reason or another, and they are perfectly happy and well adjusted..

You're Step Gran obviously loves him very much or she wouldn't have married him.. I think it's a little selfish of anyone else to begrudge her the chance to bare his child..

It's a new baby in the family.. be happy for them..

That's my thoughts on it anyway.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I can understand your distress and your father's distress. Have any of you met this woman? I suppose what I'm wondering is, is you grandfather rich? Like does she love him or his money? If she's of childbearing age I'd imagine it's not his saggy ass and toothless grin that's she's after, not trying to be insulting just very straight forward. If she is after his (hypothetical) money then there's really not a whole lot you can do, other than visit regularly and make sure he's comfortable.

If he's not rich then maybe she is in love with him, very much doubt it but there you go. Either way I think having a child when you're gonna die in the next ten years is a pretty sh*tty thing to do to that child. Never mind the slagging it's gonna get pretty much forever for having a father 40 years older than it's mother.

So yeah OP, I can understand all of your distress. The only advice I can give is to be civil to them and see what happens. It may become clear that they are in love and this was an accident, that's probably the best outcome. Oh and try to be there for your grandad and uncle/auntie should they need you.

Best of luck.

midnight_train

My mother was older when she had me, then got Alzheimer's when I was only 22.

To say it's been an extreme hardship would be a massive understatement.

Do regret my own birth? Of course not.

Are there good reasons why you shouldn't have children when you're too old? YES!

Oryx

You can't change this. The child is on its way. So all you can do is choose to accept it, or not. Your grandfather may be old, and what he is doing may be unorthodox, but if you love him you have to accept that he can make his own decisions, be they good or bad. In the same way that your family must accept the decisions you make as an adult.

The choice you have is whether to be party to this. My own feeling would be to love this child regardless of how you feel about the rest of it. This baby is going to have a hard time as they will be subject to stigma and ridicule from having such an aged parent, and they will lose their father at a young age. They will need all the support their extended family can give.

Partizan

WeirdSituation wrote: »

I'm going unregistered for this as I post here quite a lot and I don't really want this getting back to me. It's just an unbelivable situation quite frankly...

I have just found out that my Grandfather is about to become a father again at 80. He's my Dad's father and I'm more posting here for my Dad then me. My Grandfather married a much younger woman a few years ago (he did this in the US btw where this kind of thing seems to be more common) and there were a couple of problems surrounding the marriage - the kind of "this is a disgrace" that you'd expect from family members and inlaws on my Grandmothers side - believe me, you think this kind of thing only happens on TV, until you find out your own family is doing it.

At first we didn't ask questions on whether the marriage was consumated or not (why would you) but now it seems that my Grandfather is actually sexually active with this woman and has now concieved a child.

I've Googled this online and found out a couple of famous examples, Irish Rebel leader Michael Collins father was about that age when he was born, the guy who played Scotty in Star Trek fathered a daughter at 80...and even my Uncle had his youngest daughter when he was in his 60s (not that late, but still)...so it seems to be the norm (asides from my own Dad) to have children later in life in this family.

I'm not condemning what he's done, but I'm a little worried, I'm thinking it was a little selfish to bring a child into this world. How old does he expect he will live? If he does see his/her 20th birthday he'd be 100....surely that's a pause for concern?

My Dad is really cut up about it. He never taught in a million years that his elderly father would be remarrying...let alone having children in his 80s...and it's seemed to hit him hard. I'm obviously there to support my Dad but I do question how I'm supposed to act around my Grandfather and his wife, should I be pleased for them or should I just pretend like it's not happening....

Go on the old codger. Fair play to him

Taltos

Partizan wrote: »

Go on the old codger. Fair play to him

Partizan - you have been in PI long enough now to know that this type of post is not acceptable. A repeat performance will now earn you a ban so please review our charter before posting again.

Thanks
Taltos