How to help someone through a tough time

ncmc

I am looking for advice on how to help someone through a really tough time. A bit of backround, I have a relative who I was incredibly close to growing up. We were like brother and sister crossed with best friends all the way through childhood and young adulthood. We started to drift apart when we both got married about 10 years ago. There were a few reasons, I was living the other end of the country, I didn’t like his wife for various reasons, but mainly I would say the fault was with me and just not making the effort to maintain the friendship.

Fast-forward to this year and his marriage has hit the wall big time. It seems they have been having severe difficulties for some time and I feel very guilty that I wasn’t there to help him through it and be a shoulder to cry on. He has moved out and is now living on his own. The separation is shaping up to be an absolute train wreck, there are kids involved and there are other issues that mean it is not going to be straight forward. I have been trying to make up for the years of not being there for him and I speak to him on the phone about once a week. He confided in me last night that he was finding it difficult living on his own and was finding it very lonely. He also admitted that he was drinking too much and drinking on his own. I could just cry thinking of him on his own. I still live the other end of the country so visits are going to be few and far between. He lives in a small town, so there isn’t much in the way of social outlets or entertainment. He would have friends from before his marriage, but to be honest, they would be the sort that drinking would really be there only social outlet too, so not sure they are the best person for him to be around. He has siblings, but they are away working/at college. I know his parents help out as much as they can, but he isn’t living with them and there isn’t a huge amount they can do to help with the loneliness.

I guess I’m just looking for any advice that I can pass on to him or any help I can offer him. I would hate to see him spiral into a life of drinking and loneliness, he is a good person and I think he knows himself that the answer isn’t in the bottom of a bottle, but I guess he just sees it as an escape from the boredom and loneliness. How can I help him?

thefeatheredcat

OP firstly I'd stop feeling guilty about not being there while you were out of contact when things went wrong for your friend. There's two of you that could have made an effort and didn't for whatever reasons. So don't look to beat yourself up about it; yes it would have been fantastic to provide the support then, but you can't change that even with efforts now except be genuine in your willingness to support your friend without guilt of not being there clouding your judgement or force you to over-extend yourself and generosity to your friend.

There is quite a lot you can do from a distance in providing support such as offering to be someone for him to talk to... but from your perspective you have to realise that you are going to feel helpless in that you can only do so much at the same time; excessively worrying for your friend will not help you because of the impact it potentially can have on your health and well-being.

You can only try and encourage him to help himself more and seek help from those around him such as family and friends who really should be rallying around him with support and checking on him; it is particularly worrying that he is spending time drinking alone and is lonely and he has to address this and has to take control of that since he acknowledges that is happening as a direct result of the marital break up; you can only encourage more positive and healthier ways to deal with the situation.

I don't know if it is appropriate or helpful to suggest it, but have you considered perhaps offering him a change of scenery where you are?

ncmc

Thanks for the reply featheredcat. You’re right, a lot of the anxiety I am feeling on his behalf is because I wasn’t there for him while he was going through a bad time in his marriage. I know it wouldn’t have made any difference, but I still feel bad that I wasn’t a shoulder to cry on during that time.

I think a lot of the problem is that I am from a small town (where he still lives) and there is absolutely nothing to do except drink. It’s one of these places where there seems to be a pub for every 50 people in the town! Most of our mutual friends have moved away and the ones that have stayed – I am aware of how awful this sounds – are professional unemployed who live for the bookies and the pub. I don’t want this relative of mine to fall into the same trap. At the moment he has a good job which is a real life line for him, but it’s very hard to gee him up and take his mind off the loneliness when there is no outlet for him apart from the pub.

I know there are meetings of separated fathers in some larger towns and cities, but in a small town, there’s just no support outlet for him.

thefeatheredcat

At least he has his work so there is something to get up in the mornings for and to keep him busy. But evenings and weekends, depending on what arrangements are made with the children will be particularly hard for him.

If there are support groups in the region, it is probably best that he is encouraged to find one in close proximity that can be part of the process of having support from someone who has been through the same thing including emotionally in relation to the children so that there is an outlet there for him that evenings can be filled in a way that helps.

If you are worried for his safety and well being, suggest about meeting up in person where possible. In the meantime all you can do is encourage the idea of reaching out for support; you're very good to be there for him and possibly he doesn't want to be a burden on you or for you to have to facilitate his need for support outside of what you can do when he might need more than that.

Encouraging him to spend his evenings/weekend in a meaningful way that is positive and healthy will take time, particularly if he has already fallen into nursing the situation and his emotions through drinking and that is something he might have to go through until he's ready to deal with it in other ways.