Next step in this mental r/ship!?

LegacyUser

I've posted about this r/ship before and found the advice really helpful in helping me see things in a different light so I'm hoping it will be as helpful second time round...

OK - To keep it simple. I met a guy back in October, we hit it off - did the dating thing and were a couple by December. Then he'd a huge crisis in his life and wanted to keep things going with me but was becoming increasingly distant and busy (due to crisis) I almost felt bad for wanting to see him and I ended things but we both really missed each other so almost immeadiatley tried again and things seemed to get worse, he got even more distant (although he was constantly explaining that he wanted to be with me just the timing was crap and he was doing his best etc etc) So, not wanting to dump him again - and not wanting to be a total bitch I told him that he needed to either make a little bit more effort or maybe give up.

So, he suggested starting fresh when his life got easier, we stayed in touch a little to begin with then I got some advice from a colleague who suggested that I was being quite judgemental towards him which might have been encouraging his distant behaviour -so, I have tried to be more supportive and encouraging and not only do I feel better for it but so does he...or he seems to. He's found much more time for me now we are "friends" although we have slept together a few times (neither of us are sleeping with anyone else). If this had been his attempt at being my boyfriend I would have been fine...but when I got drunk a few days ago and this issue was brought up via texts I said "Aw, babe do you think we'll ever sort this out" and his response was "Well I can't have a broken head forever can I?"

I don't want to go in to the details of the crises because it's fairly specific and if anyone knew him etc....however it was mega and the fal out is still ongoing. He has said his head feels different and he finds it hard to think about being involved with someone emotionally but he's expecting and hoping it will pass.

I like him so much, I'm 31 and I've had enough boyfriends to know that he is genuine and we are well suited I think. Maybe I'm deluded lol...anyway, I feel like a dope "waiting" for him. I just don't feel like there is any card I can play.

If I told him I would no longer wait, I know he would say "That's a shame, I think the world of you and I wish I'd met you 6 months before everything kicked off" I know he would be 100% genuine too - and I would feel terrible walking away from someone great....I also feel when/if he does get his head around everything that's happened - we'll have built great foundations to something special....maybe

I don't want to manipulate him either - just a lil frustrated

Beruthiel

figuringstuffout wrote: »

I' He has said his head feels different and he finds it hard to think about being involved with someone emotionally but he's expecting and hoping it will pass.

And what if it doesn't pass?
It's been how long now, 7 months?
It is difficult for us to comment when we don't know what this crisis is, but 7 months seems like enough time for him to know whither he wants to be with you or not.
Especially as you have been there for him during all that time.
Is he getting professional help to get through this crisis?

At this stage, if it were me, I'd be thinking that life is too short to be hanging around on the never, never.
I believe I'd be telling him to get in touch when he's ready and if you are available, you might be still interested.

Honestly, no matter what the crisis is, if he had any fear of loosing you, he'd have done something by now.

Raven_Melody

Beruthiel wrote: »

And what if it doesn't pass?
It's been how long now, 7 months?
It is difficult for us to comment when we don't know what this crisis is, but 7 months seems like enough time for him to know whither he wants to be with you or not.
Especially as you have been there for him during all that time.
Is he getting professional help to get through this crisis?

At this stage, if it were me, I'd be thinking that life is too short to be hanging around on the never, never.
I believe I'd be telling him to get in touch when he's ready and if you are available, you might be still interested.

Honestly, no matter what the crisis is, if he had any fear of loosing you, he'd have done something by now.

100% this OP.

I've been in both of your situations and to be honest...if he cared that much then he wouldn't leave you hanging on. They say if you love someone, let them go..and it's cheesy but it's true. Sometimes, you have to realise that someone might be happier without you in their life; if he can't give you the love and commitment you need then he should leave you free to find it elsewhere.

ash23

How long are you willing to wait for his head to be "fixed" OP? That is what you need to be asking yourself.
I remember your last thread and iirc the jist of it was that he was very distant and not good with making an effort. And then you ended it and he upped his game and you were getting sucked back in.

And I think my point now is the same as it was then.....why can he up his game when he thinks he's going to lose you?
If he can make the effort now but still refuses to commit to you.....well what has changed?

So from my take on it, he had you as his girlfriend and he didn't bother making an effort, you dumped him and he became more attentive, you went back sleeping with him (without officially getting back together with him) and now he is more attentive but won't get back together.


He keeps giving you 50% of a relationship. You either have committment and no time or time and no committment.
So, how long are you going to wait? And what is he doing to sort out his issues?

LegacyUser

Thanks

Yes, that's the thread I posted before

I guess I feel like I have found the right approach for him, he seems happier and more available to me to do things etc - before I was always asking why he was being distant and complaining he wasn't giving me enough notice, hadn't met my friends etc. Maybe I was too hard on him?

I feel like if I say anything negative I will lose him - although a friends with benefits relationship is the very last thing I need

I think you're all right - maybe I should just say I need to move on and he knows where I am should things change....I just hope that isn't being unfair

SineadMarie

Basically he has you as a friend and has s*x so why would he want to commit to you, hes a free man with you on the side. You deserve better than that, you shouldn't have to wait around if he really wanted to be with you he would. I would walk away if i were you its only gonna hurt you more in the long run.