Slightly Urgent: Asking for her father's blessing.

Hugely Confused Ted!

Evening everybody,

I am planning to propose to my wonderful OH next week. I have everything planned. I picked up the ring this morning. I know where I'm going to pop the question and most of what I'll say.

About 10 minutes ago, I got into a bit of a tizzy. What am I going to do about asking for her father's blessing? He's a lovely man and we get on really well. The problem isn't that I think he'll say no. Far from it. The problem is (and you'll probably laugh) the man CANNOT keep a secret. Not to save his life. He'll tell the mother of the (fingers crossed) bride and although he'll swear her to secrecy, telling her is like sending up a flare! She's lovely too - but the excitement would get the better of her.

They live pretty far away and there would be at least a week in between me asking them for their blessing and me proposing. I really can't risk word coming back to my OH. I've been preparing this for a long time and as of now, the only people who know about my plans are me, my jeweller and all of you fine people.

What do I do?

Would it be acceptable to ask for the father's blessing after I've proposed? Could I use it as a way to tell them we're engaged?

As I said, they are lovely people. My OH is the last single one in the family and I would like to be as respectful to them as possible, without endangering my plans.

Any ideas gratefully received. I'm all ears.
Ted

UDP

Why would you bother asking for her fathers blessing? Its not 1950.

Forest Demon

UDP wrote: »

Why would you bother asking for her fathers blessing? Its not 1950.

Unless you want him to pay for the wedding.

Hugely Confused Ted!

If it was 1950, I'd be asking for his permission, not his blessing. I'm asking because I'm being considerate to my future (hopefully) in laws.

The Big Red Button

Hugely Confused Ted! wrote: »

Would it be acceptable to ask for the father's blessing after I've proposed? Could I use it as a way to tell them we're engaged?

I'd go with this. After you get engaged, you could explain to her why you didn't do it in advance - I'm sure she'll understand! And maybe you could go ask for his "blessing" together.

I guess it depends on the family dynamics really.

I know that, personally, I'd be quite annoyed if a man asked for a blessing from either of my parents before I got engaged.

Similarly, my parents wouldn't be too happy about it either - I know well that my dad's response would be "Well, what does she think about it? Ask her, and then get back to me!" He'd actually probably lose a bit of respect for the person, if they were to come asking for his blessing, when we weren't even engaged! He'd (rightly!) feel that it was none of his business really, that it was a decision to be made between the people getting married, and he wouldn't be comfortable knowing about it or having anything to do with it until we were actually engaged.

Do you know how your (future!) fiancee feels about it?

Daisy M

I really don't like this asking for the fathers blessing thing. It is not something I would have liked my husband to have done. But that might just be me. However I think approaching both parents after the proposal and assuring them that you plan on takng good care of their daughter would be a nice gesture.

Hugely Confused Ted!

chatterpillar wrote: »

Do you know how your (future!) fiancee feels about it?

You make some very good points.

She would definitely understand and most likely agree with me asking her first. I think I'll do that. Everyone would be mostly concerned that me and her were happy with what we were doing.

Besides I'd look like some kind of eejit if I asked her parents and her reply was anything other than an instant yes.

Thanks for the reply - it's clarified things for me a lot. I guess I got in a tizzy cos it's the only factor I hadn't considered.

helimachoptor

Call him on the morning or afternoon or whatever thats what I did, he lives on the other side of th country so want practical.

Also you don't have to do it but you know your OH and chances are you know she'll appreciate it

PCPhoto

I had a similar situation ..... so I popped over to her parents the evening before I proposed (her parents were due to call over the following morning)

... so after I received permission I told them it will either happen later that night or early tomorrow morning .....either way - their daughter would be asked by the time they called over.

Best of luck !! (nothing to worry about)

and ...early congrats !!

ABajaninCork

My now husband only spoke to my parents AFTER we got engaged...

Family dynamics meant he told my mother first, then my father who gave his blessing in any case.

Mind you. Years ago a boyfriend wanted to propose and decided to do the decent thing and ask my father for permission. My father's reply? 'Well you already went in and helped yourself. It's now you're asking me for permission?'
When I was told later about it I wished the ground would open up!

But that's my father for ya!!

Congrats to you both anyway!

Theboinkmaster

helimachoptor wrote: »

Call him on the morning or afternoon or whatever thats what I did, he lives on the other side of th country so want practical.

Also you don't have to do it but you know your OH and chances are you know she'll appreciate it

This is exactly what I'd do - call him a few hours before or whatever so there's no time for him to let the secret out.

I asked for the blessing and delighted i did - you already know the answer before you do it but IMO it's still the polite thing to do. My now wife (and her family) was also delighted i did it and just shows respect and consideration.

Now that I'm married and want to start a family soon, if i had a daughter id be chuffed for the boyfriend to ask for my blessing.

It's just an extra touch of class - and the respect for the special bond between a father & daughter, and the father "giving away" the daughter.

deskgirl

It was one of the first things I asked my OH after we got engaged!! He hadn't had a chance to get my dad on his own without me to get his blessing but at least he tried. When we arrived out to my parents to show the ring, he had a quiet manly word & a nod with my dad then. If you think your partner would appreciate the gesture I would stick with your gut on this one.

whiteandlight

I'll just come in on the other side of this. I'm only recently married and my husband askedy father for his blessing before proposing two years ago. Having said that everyone-and I mean everyone!- knew that he would be proposing. He had booked the theatre that we met in to do it

Dad loved the gesture and I thought it a really nice touch.


Ultimately it is you and your prospective wife's point of view that is important here. It meant a lot to me, it wouldn't to many of my friends. Only you know these people, we cannot judge for you!

Best of luck

bp

My husband asked my dad (the poor boy had a lot trouble getting my dad alone) and then proposed a few days later.

My dad was chuffed that he knew a secret that my mother didn't :-)

I think it is personal, my dad was thrilled to be asked and my mother thought it was insulting to me! Personally I thought it was sweet....my dad doesn't get to do much but he got to do that part for the wedding.

I would ring the dad right before hand or that morning and go from there!

good luck and congrats in advance!

tightropetom

Two things you could do:

Ask him a very short time beforehand (ie that day) and tell him you won't be asking her for a couple of days so to keep it under his hat. That should hopefully hold him for the couple of hours till you actually propose!

The other option would be to get the proposal out of the way without asking him, then ask him (pretendeding you haven't asked her). You can then let him know later that it went well.

Everybody wins

Hugely Confused Ted!

Thanks to everyone for your great feedback. It's very constructive.

I think I have come up with the plan. My OH and I are going to go away for 2 nights to somewhere romantic. There's a lovely spot on the way to where we're staying. I'm going to ask her there, on the way to the hotel. Once I get the answer (touch wood, fingers crossed etc ), we will have 2 full days on our own to get used to the idea.

The following weekend then, when we go to (hopefully) tell her parents, I'm going to have a quiet word with her dad. I'll tell him the news but ask for his blessing before we tell ANYONE else and I'll tell him we won't be telling anyone until I have his blessing. I'll also tell him that I tried to see him beforehand but didn't get the chance.

That seems to be the best plan for me. Hopefully it'll all work out. :cool:

ABajaninCork

That's exactly what we did. Got engaged in Portugal, and didn't tell the family until we returned. Took me ages to get used to the idea, I have to say...

I'm sure it'll work for you. Lots and lots of luck and happiness in the future to you both!

Theboinkmaster

Hugely Confused Ted! wrote: »

Thanks to everyone for your great feedback. It's very constructive.

I think I have come up with the plan. My OH and I are going to go away for 2 nights to somewhere romantic. There's a lovely spot on the way to where we're staying. I'm going to ask her there, on the way to the hotel. Once I get the answer (touch wood, fingers crossed etc ), we will have 2 full days on our own to get used to the idea.

The following weekend then, when we go to (hopefully) tell her parents, I'm going to have a quiet word with her dad. I'll tell him the news but ask for his blessing before we tell ANYONE else and I'll tell him we won't be telling anyone until I have his blessing. I'll also tell him that I tried to see him beforehand but didn't get the chance.

That seems to be the best plan for me. Hopefully it'll all work out. :cool:

Sounds good, let us know how it goes!

whiteandlight

Good luck!!

Gatica

I think that sounds like a good plan!

My friend's now-husband asked her dad for his blessing before the engagement. The father assumed she'd already know about it and blabbed. She had to pretend not to know for the next few weeks til he popped the question half way through their around the world tour.
Another friend's now-husband asked the dad and they both agree not to tell the mam cos she can't keep her mouth shut. At least the engagement came as a surprise in the next couple of days and when the mam found out that the dad knew and didn't tell her, she was furious. Didn't last that long though, at the end of the day, everyone was just happy about the special occasion.
Our own proposal, we waited til the weekend after we got engaged and had family over for dinner and told them while we popped a bottle of Champagne. Everyone was delighted. Father wasn't involved in the conspiracy though, didn't get offended either thankfully.

Hugely Confused Ted!

Morning everybody.

The deed is done. I popped the question and the answer was a very enthusiastic yes.

As for her father, I asked him afterwards. He was delighted with the news and with the consideration of me asking for his blessing. His mood was tempered by the fact he had a major tooth-ache. Maybe that worked in my favour.

Thank you all very much for your help on this one. Evening invites for all!!

As I am no longer "Hugely Confused Ted".... I can go back to just being Greg.

All the best,
Greg

ABajaninCork

YAY!! Huge congrats to you both!!!

luckyinlove

Congrats Greg, good job

I am now in exactly the same boat as you were when this thread started. I plan on proposing to my lady on the August Bank Holiday weekend. My (hopefully) soon to be father in law would very much appreciate if I asked for his blessing. It's definitely not an "ownership" thing, just more of a token gesture for him. Everybody involved wouldn't give a flying flip whatever his answer would be. It's more that the question was asked. My OH has no objections to this, and would think it was nice of me to do that for her dad.

Problem(s): He's a blabber mouth. There will be at least 24h between seeing him last and proposal. If I call him up in advance and ask him to meet me either in his house or somewhere else, he is likely to ring my OH after and invite her along too. If I surprise visit him at home, it is likely both parents will be there and they will think something is wrong. In all fairness I can't exactly go "F-off OH's mam, I need to chat to your husband". . My saving grace in this regard is probably that both her parents are really cool & we get on really well.

Please help

A mate of mine was in this position before where we waited outside the house. The mother in law spotted him, invited him in for tea with herself and her husband. He had no choice but to ask in front of them both and then one of the bride's siblings walks in on them also. He was gutted, but the show obviously went on.

ABajaninCork

• Take him out for a drink the night before
• Pretend you're buying a car and need his opinion.
• Invite him round to your house to look at a pretend job.

clint_silver

find something he's really good at or interested in and work it so that only the 2 of you have to be there to look at it/work at it/play it.

golf/pitch and putt
need a hand with electric stuff

Hugely Confused Ted!

I don't think it needs to be too complicated. If he's a blabber-mouth (and everyone knows that) no one will think badly about you asking after the event.

I knew long ago that my future father-in-law couldn't keep a secret. My OH's brother in law asked for his blessing 2 days beforehand, swore him to secrecy and by all accounts, the last one in the family to hear about the proposal was the girl herself.

If you avoid him for a couple of days beforehand it will make life simpler. That way you can tell him that you didn't get the chance earlier.

Once you propose (and best of luck with that), go to them first and ask for the blessing. Also tell them that you're not going to tell anyone else, since you wanted to get the blessing first.

Incidentally, if you're looking for a spectacular place to get down on one knee - Glencar waterfall in Leitrim is spectacular. Just watch out for the tourists and the torrential rain.

Best of luck and let us know how it goes. It would be interesting to compare notes.

Greg

luckyinlove

luckyinlove wrote: »

If I surprise visit him at home, it is likely both parents will be there

so? ask them both?