In a complex and difficult situation. Not feeling good

1ZRed

I'm so stressed right now in my life. I've come out to a few people but for the most part I'm closeted. This will probably be a long enough post but I need to try and get this off my chest for the first time so bare with me please.

I might as well start off by saying I'm 18 and really struggling with myself at the moment. I think I'm ok with being gay BUT I throw down on myself hard for it - like I'm not good looking enough is the main thing - regardless of my personality which loads of people admire about me, it's just not good enough to me.

But now I've kind of been cruising through life while deeply struggling silently and I've seriously considered doing stupid things that I shouldn't mention here.
Because I'm coping with this on my own everyone from the outside peering in doesn't understand why I'm unmotivated or stressed and irritated sometimes.
Doing out the CAO, I was so lost and confused as to what to do and my family is giving me such a hard time for it. They keep asking me why I haven't been seeking a job or doing more but truth of the matter is, I'm so self involved trying to fix myself that I just don't do it.
I was at breaking point one night and said "you don't understand the pressure I'm under" to which they replied; "what pressure could you possibly be under? You seem to have it quite handy for yourself. No job, no responsibilities. If you were out in the real world you'd know about it".
I said nothing. I'm much deeper then I ever let on and I only let people see what I want them to see so in essence, they're usually clueless about the situation. I'm so care free and easy going on the surface and I'm genuine about it- but this is still eating me up inside. And now I'm fighting constantly with my family and they are running out of patience with me.

I really don't know what to do...I'm 100% lost and I have nobody to turn to for help. I wish people understood what I'm dealing with so they could back off or get where I'm coming from but I don't want to tell them. I'm just so tired fighting with myself to do it.
Things hit a low though when I found out my parents couldn't afford to send me to college so I'm really uncertain of my future and I'm disappointing people around me and the pressure just keeps building all the time.

Now this is where things get complicated. I meet this young guy who turned out to be a pornstar and he said I ticked all the boxes and seriously have to potential to enter the adult industry. I thought this could be easy money for me but then I started to think hard about it and how it might damage my future more.
Thing is though, I have such a bad view of myself and pretty much no self worth that I think of accepting the offers out of frustration,wanting be accepted and to be self destructive.

As I said, I'm just completely lost. It's the strangest feeling ever.

And because of my issues I've become more selfish and self involved. How am I so narcissistic when I hate myself? I was never like this before.

I think I'm just in desperate need of help right now.

troposphere

Don't take this the wrong way but you sure you are not overreacting? You are only 18. Also college is overrated and the porn industry is in decline so I would be suspect of anybody promising descent money.

3DataModem

OP, I don't get from your post what the complex and difficult situation is?

edellc

OP welcome to being gay and a teenager, do you think that your self loathing and feelings of inadequacy are unique to you, because they are not....most gay people feel these feelings when they realise who and what they are, eventually they accept who they are and finally love who they are and are happy in their skin, this is all normal, tbh even straight teenagers go through these emotions maybe not to the same drama queen effect but none the less they experience the same feelings of inadequacy

I think you have clouded your college choices with what you are going through personally and until your somewhat comfortable with who you are then you will not know who you want to be personally or career wise, but I do hope you filled in the form, also its not up to your parents to pay for your college thats for you to do, get a loan get a job but its not your parents responsibility

You talk about the strained relationship with your family, and how you say you are "complicated", your family already know your gay, their not stupid most gay people stick out like sore thumbs anyway so all you will be doing by telling them is confirming what they already know, so instead of behaving like an ungrateful spoilt brat towards them speak to them, being gay is not a big deal anymore so dont make it one and once you confirm what they probably know then you can all move on and all that stress and pressure you say you feel will be a whole lot less so seriously do it, you wont know yourself once its done

As for the porn thing thats your call, any sane person wouldnt touch it with a barge pole and Ireland is a very small place and Irish porn well I'm sure its as cheap as it sounds.

I think because you really do think that what you are going through is totally unique, and to you it is, but fundamentally we all go through the same emotions and insecurities yes it varies in extremes but I do think you are creating drama when their is a whole lot less than you realise, so in a nut shell speak to your family, get your cv together and get applying for jobs so you can pay for your college education, and pay a visit to a gay bar and have a bit of fun, you are over analysing situations and making more out of them than there is to make out, so chill

kiwipower

Hi OP. Sounds like you are having a tough time. Being 18 is tough anyway through issues round coming out in &it gets tougher. Add alcohol & you will find it increases negative emotions &depression 10 or 20times.

I'm just wondering, especially if you are having self harm thoughts as you seemed to hint at, maybe a trip to a good GP, who can put you in touch with support services and or a counsellor may help. It's a tough journey but worth trying. (am on it myself at present.)

Also maybe worth checking in with any gay support groups in you area and seeing what support they can provide you with.

Good Luck

woodchuck

I think some people are being a bit harsh here… just because you’re not saddled with a mortgage/job/kids doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to your feelings of stress atm. How quickly people seem to forget what it’s like to be a teenager at school leaving age!! There’s an enormous amount of pressure on teenagers these days; to do well in the leaving cert (complete scare mongering that if you don’t do well you have no future) and to decide what career you want to go down. Sure at that age nobody has a clue what it is they really want to do!

And of course now you’re starting to realise that you have to take responsibility for your own life. But it is daunting at first. And again, it’s very easy for people to say you need to find a way to get yourself through college (and it’s true), but if you’ve been expecting that your parents would help support you, of course that’s a big shock to the system to find out that they can’t. I have no idea what the grant situation is like atm PO, but it would be worthwhile looking into it to see if you’re entitled to anything. But only go down that route if you had your heart set on a particular course. I don’t think there’s any point starting college doing a random course for the sake of it (you’d be better off leaving it for a year to figure out what you want to do or even going back as a mature student at a later stage).

If college isn’t for you atm, then start looking into jobs. You don’t have to think of it in terms of something you want to do for the rest of your life, just something to build up a bit of money and experience. Of course the job situation is particular tough these days though, so it couldn’t hurt to see if you’re entitled to any social welfare (obviously I’m not recommending this as a long term solution, but if you’re staying at home at least you could contribute financially to the household).

In terms of coming out, I don’t have any personal experience with that. It might be worthwhile checking out the ‘lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender’ forum to talk to people who’ve been through the same thing.

As for going into porn… don’t. I think you know that you shouldn’t and no sane person would advise you to do so. Once you go down that road your reputation will be permanently damaged and there’s no coming back from that (think in terms of future jobs and partners).

1ZRed

woodchuck wrote: »

I think some people are being a bit harsh here… just because you’re not saddled with a mortgage/job/kids doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to your feelings of stress atm. How quickly people seem to forget what it’s like to be a teenager at school leaving age!! There’s an enormous amount of pressure on teenagers these days; to do well in the leaving cert (complete scare mongering that if you don’t do well you have no future) and to decide what career you want to go down. Sure at that age nobody has a clue what it is they really want to do!

And of course now you’re starting to realise that you have to take responsibility for your own life. But it is daunting at first. And again, it’s very easy for people to say you need to find a way to get yourself through college (and it’s true), but if you’ve been expecting that your parents would help support you, of course that’s a big shock to the system to find out that they can’t. I have no idea what the grant situation is like atm PO, but it would be worthwhile looking into it to see if you’re entitled to anything. But only go down that route if you had your heart set on a particular course. I don’t think there’s any point starting college doing a random course for the sake of it (you’d be better off leaving it for a year to figure out what you want to do or even going back as a mature student at a later stage).

If college isn’t for you atm, then start looking into jobs. You don’t have to think of it in terms of something you want to do for the rest of your life, just something to build up a bit of money and experience. Of course the job situation is particular tough these days though, so it couldn’t hurt to see if you’re entitled to any social welfare (obviously I’m not recommending this as a long term solution, but if you’re staying at home at least you could contribute financially to the household).

In terms of coming out, I don’t have any personal experience with that. It might be worthwhile checking out the ‘lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender’ forum to talk to people who’ve been through the same thing.

As for going into porn… don’t. I think you know that you shouldn’t and no sane person would advise you to do so. Once you go down that road your reputation will be permanently damaged and there’s no coming back from that (think in terms of future jobs and partners).

Thanks for the reply:) Well the thing is, I was already on a year out from college and I had a course in mind for myself that didn't pan out unfortunately. Anyway with everything that has gone on and coming out being difficult and not exactly taken well in some ways, I needed college for a fresh start. Tbh, I don't know what to do now or where to begin without college being a way forward and a marker for me.

I don't apply for a grant or any other type of financial aid. My parents try every year and this year was no different so far. My other two sisters are in college and my parents earn too much gross income but thats all they seem to look at in terms of receiving a grant- regardless of other expenses.

The job front has been desperate as well with countless CVs being put out and nothing coming back. I'm in a relatively rural area if that puts things into perspective so it's really disappointing that I can't find anything to try and build to what I want but it's still seen as doing nothing by everyone around me.

I did seriously consider porn for a lot of reasons, hardly any of them good. I think for the most part to feel a bit worthy or something. I dunno. Because coming out wasn't an all that great an experience on some fronts and with so much time on my hands, I really started to take it out on my self and threw down on myself a lot because of it. I feel like I'm not good looking enough even though people think I am and I get a lot of interest but it doesn't seem to change anything. It's really funny because I'm told that I'm confidant and good looking yet I don't see that myself.

edellc wrote: »

OP welcome to being gay and a teenager, do you think that your self loathing and feelings of inadequacy are unique to you, because they are not....most gay people feel these feelings when they realise who and what they are, eventually they accept who they are and finally love who they are and are happy in their skin, this is all normal, tbh even straight teenagers go through these emotions maybe not to the same drama queen effect but none the less they experience the same feelings of inadequacy

I think you have clouded your college choices with what you are going through personally and until your somewhat comfortable with who you are then you will not know who you want to be personally or career wise, but I do hope you filled in the form, also its not up to your parents to pay for your college thats for you to do, get a loan get a job but its not your parents responsibility

You talk about the strained relationship with your family, and how you say you are "complicated", your family already know your gay, their not stupid most gay people stick out like sore thumbs anyway so all you will be doing by telling them is confirming what they already know, so instead of behaving like an ungrateful spoilt brat towards them speak to them, being gay is not a big deal anymore so dont make it one and once you confirm what they probably know then you can all move on and all that stress and pressure you say you feel will be a whole lot less so seriously do it, you wont know yourself once its done

As for the porn thing thats your call, any sane person wouldnt touch it with a barge pole and Ireland is a very small place and Irish porn well I'm sure its as cheap as it sounds.

I think because you really do think that what you are going through is totally unique, and to you it is, but fundamentally we all go through the same emotions and insecurities yes it varies in extremes but I do think you are creating drama when their is a whole lot less than you realise, so in a nut shell speak to your family, get your cv together and get applying for jobs so you can pay for your college education, and pay a visit to a gay bar and have a bit of fun, you are over analysing situations and making more out of them than there is to make out, so chill

My family have no clue I'm gay. No body does. It actually shakes things up very badly because it's such a shock because I'm so far from the stereotype.
The only reason you think "gay people stick out like a sore thumb" is because you only notice the flamboyant ones. If all you see is them and make the gay connection to them, then yeah, you would be right in thinking they stick out like sore thumbs. But you'd be wrong. Honestly, that's a really ignorant comment to make.

So instead of insulting me and making bases less assumptions about me, learn the full picture. I'm a lot deeper than I ever let on with anyone and even here I'm not really letting it all off.
I'm not some effeminate weak willed boy. I'm dealing with a lot pretty much alone and I've tried to hold myself up but it's not exactly working so I do get drawn to some bad stuff in order to cope. That one size fits all "kick in the arse" speech is useless on me buddy because all you've done is skimmed the surface.

edellc

My family have no clue I'm gay. No body does. It actually shakes things up very badly because it's such a shock because I'm so far from the stereotype.
The only reason you think "gay people stick out like a sore thumb" is because you only notice the flamboyant ones. If all you see is them and make the gay connection to them, then yeah, you would be right in thinking they stick out like sore thumbs. But you'd be wrong. Honestly, that's a really ignorant comment to make.

So instead of insulting me and making bases less assumptions about me, learn the full picture. I'm a lot deeper than I ever let on with anyone and even here I'm not really letting it all off.
I'm not some effeminate weak willed boy. I'm dealing with a lot pretty much alone and I've tried to hold myself up but it's not exactly working so I do get drawn to some bad stuff in order to cope. That one size fits all "kick in the arse" speech is useless on me buddy because all you've done is skimmed the surface.[/QUOTE]

I am not insulting you OP and its not just the flamboyant ones that stand out, its not about being flamboyant its about different mannerisms, little signs like how you hold things,how you conduct yourself, how sensitive you are which from what you say you like to think your not well you are, yes you have layers like shrek, your an onion I get it, seriously your a teenager who is gay and coming to terms with it, yes its difficult, but i can guarantee your mother knows your gay regardless of if your a pumped up jock or a skinny nerd (hows that for stereotyping) she knows so get over yourself and speak to her, the thought of doing it is aways worse than actually doing it, you are not alone you have family but you choose to shut yourself off and make out that your some unique complicated being, your 18 when you've grown up a bit you will look back and see this

Maybe if you came across as less arrogant and self centred, you may get the support you need from your family as you have said yourself that you are an narcissistic and the only way you can change this is by accepting who you are and talking about that to the people who love and care for you and that is your family and friends...If they knew how your head was thinking Im sure they would be upset that you felt you could not turn to them and have cut yourself off preferring to throw yourself into some kind of teenage angst rather than speaking to them, they love you OP so help yourself and speak to them the situation is not going to get better until you are honest to yourself and your family and morph into the person you are and you can only do that by telling those around you who you are.

You can post back and tell me that I dont know anything like the last one but your wrong, as you do not know me and I can only post on what you have written that is the extent of what I know of you, I have many gay friends, some way out there drag queens and some straight laced suit and tie accountants and lawyers gay people come in all forms just like straight people and everyone has issues its called the human condition, if you dont want to be stereotyped then stop acting like a drama queen and take control of your life

woodchuck

While I don’t agree with the general tone of edellc’s post, I think he’s right that you should come out to your family. I think once you have everything out in the open it will a huge burden lifted that will leave you free to focus on other things. Have you any reason to think that they won’t be supportive?

I know the job situation is desperate for everyone at the moment. You mentioned a course you were interested in though? If you didn’t get it on the CAO, you could look at other ways of getting into it. Are there any evening classes or fas courses that are related to the same topic? Or you could see if there are any entry level jobs or unpaid internships available (I know it’s not ideal, but anything to build up your CV/experience would be great).

RedFFWolf

@ edellec
I have to completely disagree with the "signs" and "mother knows" comments regarding recognising a gay sibling (as well as not being a big deal anymore). From personal experience, my mother (nor any of my family) hadn't a clue in the slightest that I am - they were all quite surprised. From another friend's of mine, neither did any of his family know about him. What's more is that his family, who come across "etiquetted", polite, friendly etc., didn't take it well to hear that he was gay.
From a more generalised perspective, the "signs" of someone being gay are like the signs of someone wanting to commit suicide - the signs are there so long as someone has it presently on their mind. No one has been able to guess I was gay because I never had such signs as I had never an issue with my sexuality, hence never trying to reach out to anyone or express positively or negatively.
That being said, a "trained eye" may pick up the slightest of details, the smallest of signs but clearly not everyone, such as the people in the OP's life, are like this. Furthermore, if the details are so fine, then what is to stop someone mistaking for example, the camp heterosexual as a homosexual?

@ 1ZRed
First off, you don't need to go into the porn industry to feel worthy. Let me tell you from a guy that is often praised by his friends, yet won't believe them himself. I can say this because I hear these words of praise, as clearly you have in your experience.
So, how would entering such an industry help you do you think? What would differ it from other areas of work for example? The porn industry would rate, compare and judge - e.g., suited for this, but not for that etc., especially in the fields of appearances. What you may find is that your lack of self-worth stems from other issues in which these other issues at first causes stress, and then elevates other feelings such as these lack of self-worth issues - you only have to look at the kind of people who feel down and then after a couple of drinks feel worse.

I found that the more I opened up with other people, the more the feelings of self-worth rose. I realised as well that often I felt low was because not just of some prior stress, but caring too much for my friends and family that I tried not to do anything wrong - anytime I felt I had done something wrong or was interrupting something, as minor and completely harmless as they were, the feelings hit.

Does any of this apply to you? Does any of it feel or seem comparable? Would you consider taking any action after this? The reason I mentioned so much about myself is that we have some comparability, and experience from me that may help in some way.


As for your CAO and family, it will be hard if you do not open up a bit more. Some people feel stressed with what they have to do; others get stressed not being able to do anything. You seem more in the latter case. That is to say, the fact that you cannot get something may be driving you mad - heck, the CV rejections could be part of the lack of esteem you feel! Forget the porn industry in particular, you may just want any kind of work. Before you even jump at those thoughts though, you want to go to college too though, don't you? Well, if money is an issue, then you just have to get a job first, which as you say, is a problem. Do not forget though, if you can't afford it now, getting a job between now and September will probably not help you afford college anyway! It may do depending on finances etc., but if not, then you can afford to take more time finding a job. Explain this to your family that you are trying and the pressure you feel is partly due to their expectations - I've seen something happen similarly with my little brother. Because myself and my older brother did well enough in school, he felt under pressure to do well and my parents saw it as more natural that people got a certain number of high results and went into college with a little ease (that being said, my older brother wasn't that great at it, but it didn't stop the pressure on him as we were both already in college come the time of his leaving certificate).

If you find it hard opening up to your family, then you may have to be more firm with them. A family member of mine is at times, a bit of a "bully", but the more I responded back with backbone, the less hassle I get to the point where the tides are not so much turned, but there are no waves to stir. So, if you hear more comments such as "what pressure could you possibly have?" or "in the real world", you have to reply. Something like I'm not being given the chance is a blunt response (seriously: it's not your fault if employers don't respond, you can keep trying but "keeping trying" means time continues on; also, the fact that no one has the money for college), as well as pointing out that the real world (if it only revolves around money and work as they seem to imply) is not nearly half as pressuring or complicated as what goes in the mind, or even that the fact that I can't get out to the "real world" is what is causing the problems. Also refer to the previous paragraph about their expectations putting pressure on you. Only you know what way your family will respond. Honestly, if I got the kind of responses you get, I'd let them have it with a little more vulgarity, but that is really inappropriate advice, even if it does highlight to them the strain you're under.


In relation to what edellc said about many going through what you do,
just because others go through what you do, does not trivialise the matter in the slightest - cancer is so widespread and kills many, but who would say that some very rare yet harmless disease needs more attention? I know edellc's response was probably just to calm the matter and not over-dramatise it, so don't read it as an attempt to make you feel lesser - some people respond with tough love, and you should read back what he/she says again - sometimes they are the best eye-openers
If anything though, the fact that many do go through what you do is good reason to seek out help groups or similar who could give a lot more better advice than I could in what is quite clearly a horrifically piece of written advice, broken up into pieces here and there, and not really getting to the heart of the matter at all - and I'm not just saying this, I find it really messy so please get back to me if you want anything clarified

Don't let your feelings develop into something worse (as they already are according to you, you becoming more selfish as you say) - open up to whoever will listen, and even posting here is a good start, but don't keep it anonymous for much longer

dgt

OP are you 100% sure you are gay? Are there any doubts atall? Some people I know thought and were sure they were gay but years later began to have an interest in women again (one such chap I went to school with for example)

Just something to consider

Beruthiel

1ZRed wrote: »

I did seriously consider porn for a lot of reasons, hardly any of them good. I think for the most part to feel a bit worthy or something.

I believe the opposite to that could happen. You may loose respect for yourself and feel less worthy.
You come across as a smart enough 18 year old, but, no matter how clever you are at 18, you still have a long way to go before you become a fully fledged adult. So, don't limit your options at this stage in your life.
Don't consider the porn thing.
It will bring you down a certain path and to determine that path at age 18 would be one of the biggest mistakes of your life.
Forming any kind of loving relationship would be difficult for you and at some point in the future, you may well crave to be out of a business like that just so you can have some semblance of a normal life.

My family have no clue I'm gay.

Are you afraid to tell them?
Will they not approve?

How about your sisters, would they not understand?

I remember being 18. It is a very stressful time in a teenagers life.
LC done and not knowing the next step.
Being a closet gay on top of that cannot be easy.

You say nobody knows you're gay, perhaps just telling one person that you can trust might help to release some of that pressure.

Is it possible for you to go to college while staying at home or living with your sisters? That would bring the cost down.
You could also get a part time job to help with funds.

Though it is difficult to see right now, everything will be grand and will work itself out.
Try not to melt your head and just go with the best option for now (apart from the porn one ).

1ZRed

I said I'd leave this for a while and see how it all went for me afterwards.

Yeah I appreciate the advice and it has helped me along. I suppose I am feeling a bit better now but that's only because I've started to ignore the situation which isn't very healthy at all. But it keeps things more level for me.

The college problem is a big thing tbh because it would have given me a fresh start and it's something I really wanted to do. I always saw it as a natural progression for me and now that it's not an option right now, it really messes things up. I've tried out for grants and student loans and all other options but it's just not working out at all. The reality of it is, I just won't be going to college. And the fact that I've sent out countless CVs again and nothing is coming back is very very disheartening. Ffs I'm not eligible for social welfare even!


I know it's so easy for some people to look in and say I'm being overly dramatic but I have nowhere to go and nothing to do for myself. It's a bad thing when you see nothing in your future in terms of desires or aspirations.

With my family, I have opened up and I have voiced my frustrations and how I'm feeling but it's as if nothing was heard or said. I didn't even get a reply out of them. I thought if I told them how I was feeling things might be easier on myself but it made no difference which is quite sad really.
Like I know I've made things hard on them as well and that's where a lot of this fighting is coming from. The CAO thing in particular though because I put down a course for biomedical engineering but I lack honours Maths.
Last August I got enough points for it and so I applied to sit the entrance exam in order to get it but I didn't pass. I was 5 days in the college going to lectures, tutorials and meeting new people. I loved it and I really hit it off. Because of that I decided to repeat Maths at school again but I just couldn't motivate myself at all to do it, I took it hard and things started to go down hill a lot. So when I was stressed out of my mind and put in down as an option my family basically said "why are you doing that? You've had your chance and you wasted it. Just forget about it, it's not an option!".

I didn't realise it but I know why I wasn't working for it, it's because I wasn't looking ahead to my future and the damage I was doing to it. It's because I felt I wasn't going to be around for it. And now that I've seen a bit more sense of it all, I know I've fucked everything up. Twice.
To be perfectly honest, that time I was in college for those 5 days was the last time I was happy. Pretty sad considering it's nearly a year ago.
So I feel it's something I really need for myself to sort things out. That's why it's the centre of my distress because I think I need it to be happy. That's a fact. Taking the year out as it was took a heavy tole on me and I didn't move forward, only backwards so it's not something I'm not jumping for again because I know it's just going to be the same exact shit again.

This is probably sounding really all over the place (I had it wriiten out better on my iPad but I lost it) but it was quick and just an "update" kind of of how things are going. I'd like to get back to some of the replies individually but that'll be a bit later.

Thanks for the help and advice though, it did clear a lot of this up for me:)