im so down...

LegacyUser

Over two months ago i met the most amazing guy ever.we spent every day together and then out of the blue one evening he told me that we had to end things because hes a recovering alcoholic(which i didnt know about!)and that relationships trigger it so he has to start going back to meeting etc. he wanted us to remain friends which we did do,we hung out a few times but i found it so difficult cuz all i wanted to do was kiss him.i told him last week that i cant be friends with him cuz it hurts me so much and we talked about it and he understood where i was coming from.it hurt so much because even though we hadnt known each other that long i got really close to him and loved being in his company.since i have sent a message on fb saying i miss him,we talked again and then i left it.and monday he did the same to me saing he missed me etc.i deleted him yesterday because it keeps reverting me back to being so down.i havent heard from him since but i cant snap out of this depression(if you will!) i dont feel like going out and seeing people,even my friends,i just want to cry all the time,which im doing and i just cant see a way through this right now,i know they say time will heal al and in the past it has but this is different for some reason.
i spoke to my friend on skype the last day and told her everything and her advice(shes a shrink by the way) was that she doesnt think relationships trigger his need for alcohol(as he has had long relationships before me)but that he uses that as an excuse of sorts because he might not know his real trigger or doesnt want to come to terms with it!
i dont know what to think and not really sure why im writing this but i guess writing it down is some help.
im sorry for the long post but i had to get some of whats going on in my mind out!

EGAR

I don't know when he last drank but in the first few years after quitting, RA can usually not relate to relationships as they need to be nurtured etc and they have to learn to value things other than alcohol. It is not as clean cut as *I stop drinking and everything is ok*, it is a constant struggle.

LegacyUser

Oh i know that.its been over 2 years and he started a relationship pretty quickly after it and only now is seeing that he shouldnt.im the kind of person that likes to help people though and being rejected(in a sense) has really affected me.i just want to be there for him but he only wants me in the friend way now and im struggling with that change given we were so close.i guess because it happened so quickly,one minute we were talking about what way our "relationship" was going and literally a few days later...that! it hard to handle on top of everything else that is going on in my life right now

daisybelle2008

Recovering alcoholics are actively discouraged to enter romantic relationships for the first year or two. Your boyfriend is now recognising the reasons for that. It is very good that he is doing that.
You say you like helping people, his idea of being helped now is to keep relations platonic. Only do this if you are able yourself.
Look it was only a very brief relationship. Spending every day together, to me sounds too excessive and full on, that is very intense for anyone never mind someone in recovery who needs to keep their emotions on an even keel. Early intensity and dependency in relationships are big red flags.
You also say you have a lot of other issues in your life and you are taking this very seriously, maybe the bright side is that you are not ready for a serious relationship, especially one with a recovering alcoholic. He really is doing you both a favour, although you might not see it for a while.

dellas1979

Could you cut the ties for a while and then try remain friends?

I dont think its wise though to be in a relationship where you are "helping" the other person - i.e. that that is your role in the relationship. Wanting to be needed because you feel you can help him. He doesnt need a carer, or a gf at this stage, he needs a friend. Thats the help/support he wants. He is telling you this.

Are you sure you are not overly thinking your feelings for him because you see him as needing you? He should want you, not need you.

omgitsthelazor

He sounds like a smart guy taking his recovery seriously. I really don't think you should cut ties with him, it sounds like he has very understandable reasoning for not wanting the responsibility of a relationship right now. If you care about him why aren't you helping him through this, good relationships are built on good friendships.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies guys.hearing other people say the things i already knew really does help. I know what hes doing is roght for him but it still hurts cuz i miss him a lot but i think what im going to do is steer clear of him for a while until i sort myself out and then try and be friends with him cuz i dont want to lose him and he doesnt want to lose me either so i think thats the best thing to do.
Again thanks everyone for your help.i really appreciate it
guess theres always a bright side to things eh?!!

LegacyUser

It's early days. Do you really want to begin a serious relationship within a newly recovering alcoholic? Is this a good choice in life partner?

Regardless, are you just looking for excuses to disrespect the boundaries this guy feels the need to set to aid his own recovery? Is this not a bit selfish on your part?

LegacyUser

moveonswiftly11 wrote: »

It's early days. Do you really want to begin a serious relationship within a newly recovering alcoholic? Is this a good choice in life partner?

Regardless, are you just looking for excuses to disrespect the boundaries this guy feels the need to set to aid his own recovery? Is this not a bit selfish on your part?

we all have problems in life and i like to see the good in people so why not?!and he is an amazing person,he just has a problem so he would be a good choice for anyone but not now,i realise that now.
granted it may have been a tad selfish on my part but i really liked him and we grew very close to one another so it was hard to step back from that.anyone in my position would probably be the same.if you like someone,you like someone.you cant help that!!

Ellsbells

You can like them without having to act on it...

Its for the best. Relationships are hard enough even without this issue. There is no point being friends - it only delays the healing process

LegacyUser

Ellsbells wrote: »

You can like them without having to act on it...

Its for the best. Relationships are hard enough even without this issue. There is no point being friends - it only delays the healing process

I know thats why ive deleted him off fb and dont see me texting him.already feel better not seeing him online so...thats something i guess.roll on the healing process.thank god for friends

LegacyUser

we all have problems in life and i like to see the good in people so why not?!and he is an amazing person,he just has a problem

He may be an awesome guy but this isn't "just a problem".
They don't call it a disease for nothing.

Alcoholism is life defining.
It's a daily battle which will influence every decision this guy makes for the rest of his life.
It will influence the choices he can make and the life he will lead.
It changes everything and has a massive impact on relationships.

At least do some research about what it's all about.
Go into this with your eyes open.

johnr1

This is a subject that I know a bit, and in order to explain why it might be better to wait a bit, I'll tell you a little of my story.

I quit the drink at 28 without the labels or any recovery programme, and almost straight away jumped into a very serious relationship.
Everything was rosy for a while, I rebuilt my business, became uber-sensible, we intertwined our lives, and two years later got married.
I haven't drank in almost ten years now.
However, the marriage didn't last for a number of reasons, some to do with her issues, but also due to the fact that I rushed into sensible stability too quickly. I was, as someone else above has said, looking for nurturing, looking for order after the chaos of my drinking days, and in my rush to find these, made an unsuitable choice of partner for me. We were very close, enjoyed many of the same things, but ultimately our foundation wasn't strong enough to survive the bumps along the road.
Today, ten years on, we are dealing with the financial fallout from the marriage, I'm fighting banks to keep my house where my family have lived for generations, and she (being older than me) has missed out on the chance to have children. This is huge for her.
Happily, for me, I'm in a better relationship now, where neither is trying to 'fix' the other, and despite a series of huge kicks in business, I'm optimistic about the future.
She however, is not, and feels that she lost vital years.

My advice would be to talk with this guy, - tell him you want to be more than a friend to him, and agree to meet up in a year or so to see where you both are then. If he feels the same about you, he will agree, and this gives him time to concentrate on all the other stuff in his life which he needs to sort out and put right before trying to make someone else happy.
If, after this time he still isn't ready, then he's not the guy for you.

By the way, I'm not suggesting that you put your life on hold for this guy for a year, - more that you accept that it is possible to meet the right person at the wrong time, and if this is the case, then you'll both still want to be together then.
In the meantime, you have to just carry on with your life, and if you meet someone else along the way, give them a chance.


To summarise, he really doesn't know what he wants right now, but with tome it will become clearer to him. Don't muddy the waters and risk doing what we did without realising it.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

johnr1 wrote: »

This is a subject that I know a bit, and in order to explain why it might be better to wait a bit, I'll tell you a little of my story.

I quit the drink at 28 without the labels or any recovery programme, and almost straight away jumped into a very serious relationship.
Everything was rosy for a while, I rebuilt my business, became uber-sensible, we intertwined our lives, and two years later got married.
I haven't drank in almost ten years now.
However, the marriage didn't last for a number of reasons, some to do with her issues, but also due to the fact that I rushed into sensible stability too quickly. I was, as someone else above has said, looking for nurturing, looking for order after the chaos of my drinking days, and in my rush to find these, made an unsuitable choice of partner for me. We were very close, enjoyed many of the same things, but ultimately our foundation wasn't strong enough to survive the bumps along the road.
Today, ten years on, we are dealing with the financial fallout from the marriage, I'm fighting banks to keep my house where my family have lived for generations, and she (being older than me) has missed out on the chance to have children. This is huge for her.
Happily, for me, I'm in a better relationship now, where neither is trying to 'fix' the other, and despite a series of huge kicks in business, I'm optimistic about the future.
She however, is not, and feels that she lost vital years.

My advice would be to talk with this guy, - tell him you want to be more than a friend to him, and agree to meet up in a year or so to see where you both are then. If he feels the same about you, he will agree, and this gives him time to concentrate on all the other stuff in his life which he needs to sort out and put right before trying to make someone else happy.
If, after this time he still isn't ready, then he's not the guy for you.

By the way, I'm not suggesting that you put your life on hold for this guy for a year, - more that you accept that it is possible to meet the right person at the wrong time, and if this is the case, then you'll both still want to be together then.
In the meantime, you have to just carry on with your life, and if you meet someone else along the way, give them a chance.


To summarise, he really doesn't know what he wants right now, but with tome it will become clearer to him. Don't muddy the waters and risk doing what we did without realising it.

Good luck.

WOW.thanks for your input and honesty. I know what im to do now.the whole,see where we are in a year thing and keeping my distance is gonna be tricky as he lives VERY close to where i live but we have already talked bout it and he knows where i stand and that im always here to talk to if he needs it but right now,given i want more than friendship and he cant give that,I think i should try and forget about him but still be friends in time!
everyone has been so helpful on here so i really want to say a huge THANKS for that.you all have helped me loads and its made it a lot easier.