My relationship story. Need help.

Alex071

Hi, i'm new here at trying to seek some help. Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost 3 years now, she's studying in my town most of the year, but now on holidays she goes back to her hometown 1000km away. I'm 23 years old, and she is 21. The 1st year and a half it was all magic, we were deeply in love and rarely any fighting occurred, we seemed to get along nicely and actually see a future together. She's beautiful, cute and I really love her, my parents love her also, and so does her family love me. About a year or so ago, we started fighting almost everyday for stupid stuff, it's not lies, cheating, violence, etc. It's really about small and stupid stuff like for example: I'm studying at home and she asks me to go help her buying groceries or something, and i tell her i cannot at the moment because i'm studying and i really need to finish this, if you can wait like 1-2 hours then maybe i can go. And she starts saying "no, forget about it i'll go alone, you don't like me, you never help me when i need help". And she gets mad and that lasts for 1-2 days, I try not to argue about it and have patience and forget about it so things don't get worse. To be honest, i'm a very "anti-discussion" guy, I very RARELY argue about something, only if it's really serious. 99% of the time, she's the one who starts arguing, and most of the time it's about those things.

This happens lately like 2 times a week, and sometimes its really bad. She has very low self-esteem, each time i tell her i love her, and that she's beautiful she says "no i'm not, you are, but i'm not, sometimes i think i don't deserve you". The first times i heard this i just tried to support her even more and told her "no, you are really beautiful for me" and eventually she stops saying bad things about her. But more and more she started talking bad about her, and when we fought for about 2-3 times, she even said that she didn't want to live anymore, that she didn't deserve me, no one liked her, she wanted to kill herself, etc. Hearing all that stuff really got me sad for a long time, and even if i kept being supportive, and things would get a bit better later, she would come back with the same story again and again. I even told her she was hurting my feelings for saying those bulls**t things, that was childish, and that she must not treat herself like that. When I tell her she's being childish she says "oh i'm childish for you? Then why are you with me? Go find some other girl who isn't childish". And i really get sad when she says those things again. I try to be patient, not argue and not make things worse because i love her, but sometimes i really cannot because i'm tired of listening to the same things again and again. We fight, we don't talk for 2 days or so, we say sorry to each other, things get better, then 3-4 days later another discussion happens. It already happened for a couple of times that we fight for stupid things, and I know what caused it, I know it was her, but I just assume the fault and say "I'm sorry honey, it was my fault, i hope you can forgive me." Just so the arguing stops there, and the same old story doesn't happen again. Also, she's jealous if I talk to another women, specially from my university class, or if I meet some girl friend of her and after I say to her "She's really friendly and nice to talk to, she even watches that same series I do, you should have a look at it, it's really nice even if it's not your style." - and she answers something like - "Oh she's nice and friendly and likes to watch that same series? Then go watch with her in bed and be "nice" with her." - To that i really need to bring my patience up and try not to argue, but sometimes i just cannot. She has a lot of friends, male friends even, and i completely trust her, I know how she is, she's not some bitch, she's just very friendly and likes to socialize, either with men or women and I know that, so I have absolute no problem with her talking to men or even have a coffee with them or something, It's fine for me, even though a few of them liked her in the past, I know I trust her so I don't get jealous with that, I can even joke with that a few times and it's ok. But I simply cannot talk to any other girl, things like these happen.

I'm going to be honest here, I almost have no friends. She's truly my best friend as well as girlfriend. I told her things that I would never tell anyone, she knows me inside out, and I know her the same way. When we are not fighting, things are good, we talk a lot about everything, we have a great time, we have great sex, everything's great. But these good things, i feel they are less common more and more often. I look back and I really get depressed, I'm almost crying right now while writing, because things were so good in the start, and now they are falling apart more and more often. We had 2 really HUGE fights that were her fault again, and I almost broke-up with her because i couldn't hear anymore all those bad things she thought about her, or the distorted way she see things, or the lack of logic in her way of thinking. She's 21 and only daughter, so I know only-sons are a bit spoiled, and to be honest she's a bit spoiled, but that combined with her way of thinking just completely takes things out of control sometimes. She gets really sad and depressed when she says bad things about her, or when we fight, and seeing that kills me on the inside also because i love her, and i'm supposed to make her happy, and I cannot.

I tried so many things to stop this non-sense and nothing worked. Yesterday she argued with me again just because I completed my car license and was going to celebrate it with my parents with a dinner at a japanese restaurant. She's away in her hometown island, of course she cannot come with me, so she says "You never took me to a japanese restaurant, you don't like me, I just make people sad, I should really shut up and not bore you anymore" - to which i responded "Honey, stop saying those things please, i'll take you to a japanese when you come back I promise. And you DON'T BORE ME, I love you, stop saying bad things about you, that makes me sad also." - Then she answers "Yeh I only make you sad, I've never made you happy, you should find another girl who doesn't bore you, or that doesn't make you sad. I should just be burried in the earth." And she hasn't talked to me yet until right now. This happens a lot as I've explained. She's been childish, but I simply CANNOT tell her she's being childish, simply because that would make another arguing appear, make her more sad, etc.

When stuff like this happens lately, when I go to bed I just start crying because I see no solution for this. As i said I tried breaking up 2 times, but then I started thinking how bad, depressed, and utterly sad she would be if I did that. Also how sad her family would be, how sad my family would be specially my mother who loves her so much, and what if she could really do something crazy if I broke up with her. I start crying and thinking of solutions for this, then I remember the best memories we had and keep crying, and there I am in bed crying like crazy in complete silence without knowing what to do. The next day I just gave her a really long text, trying again to make her see that we need to stop arguing, to see what's wrong, and to believe in herself and in me if she really loves me. She cries like hell, ends up saying sorry and promising that she will try for it not to happen again. Needless to say, 1 week later the arguing returns.

I've ran out of solutions, and I really don't know what to do. I feel that my love for her has decreased with so much arguing and problems. She even told me the other day "i hope one day we can live together in our own apartment and be happy together «3". I instantly cried because I wanted that to happen but it seemed just a dream that will never happen if things keep like this, and I know that. I just responded "I hope that too honey «3" and kept crying. I now don't know if I miss her or not, I don't know if I should keep like this or not, I don't know if I can handle this much longer. And the problem is, I know she misses me, I know she loves me deeply, I know she trusts me. And everything feels so twisted.

I keep thinking "What if I breakup? What will happen? Will she be fine eventually? Will she find another guy who can make her happy even if it takes some time? Will her self-esteem improve with age and maturity?" I just want her to be truly happy and have a solid relationship without all this crap in between. As for me I'm not an attractive guy, but she finds me attractive and likes everything about me, she says i'm cute, beautiful, super intelligent, sexy, smart, "sex-beast", etc. For me i'm not half of those, she is my first girlfriend and I often think that if I break up i'll never find a girlfriend ever in my life, because i'm shy, not attractive, etc.
But in the end I love her so much that I just don't know if I keep fighting for something that only herself can fight for, or if I should just let her go, even if it would cost me this world and beyond, I know I would get really depressed and would miss her forever, and that I would never find someone like her ever again.

Sorry about the long post, a bit too much emotional for me.

Hope someone can help.

snafuk35

Alex071 wrote: »

Hi, i'm new here at trying to seek some help. Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost 3 years now, she's studying in my town most of the year, but now on holidays she goes back to her hometown 1000km away. I'm 23 years old, and she is 21. The 1st year and a half it was all magic, we were deeply in love and rarely any fighting occurred, we seemed to get along nicely and actually see a future together. She's beautiful, cute and I really love her, my parents love her also, and so does her family love me. About a year or so ago, we started fighting almost everyday for stupid stuff, it's not lies, cheating, violence, etc. It's really about small and stupid stuff like for example: I'm studying at home and she asks me to go help her buying groceries or something, and i tell her i cannot at the moment because i'm studying and i really need to finish this, if you can wait like 1-2 hours then maybe i can go. And she starts saying "no, forget about it i'll go alone, you don't like me, you never help me when i need help". And she gets mad and that lasts for 1-2 days, I try not to argue about it and have patience and forget about it so things don't get worse. To be honest, i'm a very "anti-discussion" guy, I very RARELY argue about something, only if it's really serious. 99% of the time, she's the one who starts arguing, and most of the time it's about those things.

This happens lately like 2 times a week, and sometimes its really bad. She has very low self-esteem, each time i tell her i love her, and that she's beautiful she says "no i'm not, you are, but i'm not, sometimes i think i don't deserve you". The first times i heard this i just tried to support her even more and told her "no, you are really beautiful for me" and eventually she stops saying bad things about her. But more and more she started talking bad about her, and when we fought for about 2-3 times, she even said that she didn't want to live anymore, that she didn't deserve me, no one liked her, she wanted to kill herself, etc. Hearing all that stuff really got me sad for a long time, and even if i kept being supportive, and things would get a bit better later, she would come back with the same story again and again. I even told her she was hurting my feelings for saying those bulls**t things, that was childish, and that she must not treat herself like that. When I tell her she's being childish she says "oh i'm childish for you? Then why are you with me? Go find some other girl who isn't childish". And i really get sad when she says those things again. I try to be patient, not argue and not make things worse because i love her, but sometimes i really cannot because i'm tired of listening to the same things again and again. We fight, we don't talk for 2 days or so, we say sorry to each other, things get better, then 3-4 days later another discussion happens. It already happened for a couple of times that we fight for stupid things, and I know what caused it, I know it was her, but I just assume the fault and say "I'm sorry honey, it was my fault, i hope you can forgive me." Just so the arguing stops there, and the same old story doesn't happen again. Also, she's jealous if I talk to another women, specially from my university class, or if I meet some girl friend of her and after I say to her "She's really friendly and nice to talk to, she even watches that same series I do, you should have a look at it, it's really nice even if it's not your style." - and she answers something like - "Oh she's nice and friendly and likes to watch that same series? Then go watch with her in bed and be "nice" with her." - To that i really need to bring my patience up and try not to argue, but sometimes i just cannot. She has a lot of friends, male friends even, and i completely trust her, I know how she is, she's not some bitch, she's just very friendly and likes to socialize, either with men or women and I know that, so I have absolute no problem with her talking to men or even have a coffee with them or something, It's fine for me, even though a few of them liked her in the past, I know I trust her so I don't get jealous with that, I can even joke with that a few times and it's ok. But I simply cannot talk to any other girl, things like these happen.

I'm going to be honest here, I almost have no friends. She's truly my best friend as well as girlfriend. I told her things that I would never tell anyone, she knows me inside out, and I know her the same way. When we are not fighting, things are good, we talk a lot about everything, we have a great time, we have great sex, everything's great. But these good things, i feel they are less common more and more often. I look back and I really get depressed, I'm almost crying right now while writing, because things were so good in the start, and now they are falling apart more and more often. We had 2 really HUGE fights that were her fault again, and I almost broke-up with her because i couldn't hear anymore all those bad things she thought about her, or the distorted way she see things, or the lack of logic in her way of thinking. She's 21 and only daughter, so I know only-sons are a bit spoiled, and to be honest she's a bit spoiled, but that combined with her way of thinking just completely takes things out of control sometimes. She gets really sad and depressed when she says bad things about her, or when we fight, and seeing that kills me on the inside also because i love her, and i'm supposed to make her happy, and I cannot.

I tried so many things to stop this non-sense and nothing worked. Yesterday she argued with me again just because I completed my car license and was going to celebrate it with my parents with a dinner at a japanese restaurant. She's away in her hometown island, of course she cannot come with me, so she says "You never took me to a japanese restaurant, you don't like me, I just make people sad, I should really shut up and not bore you anymore" - to which i responded "Honey, stop saying those things please, i'll take you to a japanese when you come back I promise. And you DON'T BORE ME, I love you, stop saying bad things about you, that makes me sad also." - Then she answers "Yeh I only make you sad, I've never made you happy, you should find another girl who doesn't bore you, or that doesn't make you sad. I should just be burried in the earth." And she hasn't talked to me yet until right now. This happens a lot as I've explained. She's been childish, but I simply CANNOT tell her she's being childish, simply because that would make another arguing appear, make her more sad, etc.

When stuff like this happens lately, when I go to bed I just start crying because I see no solution for this. As i said I tried breaking up 2 times, but then I started thinking how bad, depressed, and utterly sad she would be if I did that. Also how sad her family would be, how sad my family would be specially my mother who loves her so much, and what if she could really do something crazy if I broke up with her. I start crying and thinking of solutions for this, then I remember the best memories we had and keep crying, and there I am in bed crying like crazy in complete silence without knowing what to do. The next day I just gave her a really long text, trying again to make her see that we need to stop arguing, to see what's wrong, and to believe in herself and in me if she really loves me. She cries like hell, ends up saying sorry and promising that she will try for it not to happen again. Needless to say, 1 week later the arguing returns.

I've ran out of solutions, and I really don't know what to do. I feel that my love for her has decreased with so much arguing and problems. She even told me the other day "i hope one day we can live together in our own apartment and be happy together «3". I instantly cried because I wanted that to happen but it seemed just a dream that will never happen if things keep like this, and I know that. I just responded "I hope that too honey «3" and kept crying. I now don't know if I miss her or not, I don't know if I should keep like this or not, I don't know if I can handle this much longer. And the problem is, I know she misses me, I know she loves me deeply, I know she trusts me. And everything feels so twisted.

I keep thinking "What if I breakup? What will happen? Will she be fine eventually? Will she find another guy who can make her happy even if it takes some time? Will her self-esteem improve with age and maturity?" I just want her to be truly happy and have a solid relationship without all this crap in between. As for me I'm not an attractive guy, but she finds me attractive and likes everything about me, she says i'm cute, beautiful, super intelligent, sexy, smart, "sex-beast", etc. For me i'm not half of those, she is my first girlfriend and I often think that if I break up i'll never find a girlfriend ever in my life, because i'm shy, not attractive, etc.
But in the end I love her so much that I just don't know if I keep fighting for something that only herself can fight for, or if I should just let her go, even if it would cost me this world and beyond, I know I would get really depressed and would miss her forever, and that I would never find someone like her ever again.

Sorry about the long post, a bit too much emotional for me.

Hope someone can help.

You keep indulging her and trying to patch things up when what you should do is call her bluff. Don't back down. She playing games with you and I think how she sees it is she is thinking you might be the man for her but she is not too sure because you don't have a backbone. She'll respect you if you stand up for yourself more and stick rigidly to your position.
Women, I find are always thinking in several different directions and always second guessing things whereas as I find with myself and with others I can be stubborn when I want to be.
You seem have this notion that everything should be perfect in a relationship but it's never that way.
Relationships are continuous hardwork and constant rows which is what happens when two people have different opinions and perceptions and desires and wants. Some people preach compromise when what I think you should do is set boundaries and stand up for yourself.
She keeps nagging you and giving you brief and questioning your devotion and loyalty to her because she doesn't know where you stand.
She doesn't believe you.
The reason for that is you bend like a reed in the wind.
Develop more back bone and don't be afraid of a row.
A row helps to clear the air and lets out all the aggression and lets out the real emotion you feel.
Being reasonable might seem fine but in fact in can bottle up the real anger or fear or love you feel for the other person.
My parents row all the time and shout and roar at eachother and they are still together all these years later.
I find that other couples drifted apart because they gave in too much and we looking for perfection before the heat and desire fizzled out.
No matter how you look at it a relationship will always wreck your head.
You should get suspicious when it doesn't.
So the solution is wise up, toughen up, develop a backbone, fight your corner and act like a man. She wants a man, not a weakling.
You want a woman and not a doormat and this rowing petulant woman full of passion is what you really love.
You wouldn't want a doormat yourself would you?
Don't fear rows but rather relish them because the truth comes out.
Listen to what she says and take heed.

batsherlashes

It sounds like quite a volatile relationship, and you seem to get upset very regularly. Some relationships have bad patches like this that can be solved, as long as you talk it through properly. This means having the guts to stand up to her and put her straight. You are not happy with the relationship and tell her in no uncertain terms that she has to trust you completely and quit with the nagging arguments and the pity comments or it will be over. You love her but you question whether it is enough for you to stay with her while she is arguing with you. It isn't enough to love someone in a relationship if they don't make you happy. You seem more concerned about what your family think and how it will affect her emotionally. Look out for yourself for once and put your happiness first. Break ups happen all the time, and I can guarantee you, if you break up with her, you will meet someone again and you might realise how unhealthy your this relationship was. If someone you love is making you this upset, it can't be right or good enough to put up with.

Roisy7

OP, this sounds like emotional abuse to me.

The starting rows and "I'm going to kill myself" drama is bad enough, but what really raises red flags is the fact you say you rely on her for everything, you have no friends, and she gets jealous whenever you talk to a girl, even about the most trivial things. Yet she has plenty of friends...

She is isolating you and making you totally dependent, imo.

I think you need to take a step back from this relationship. At the moment you're way too enmeshed with each other for this to be healthy. A healthy relationship is one where both parties aren't totally reliant on each other. All this talk of "you complete me" and "you are my other half" that is so common in romantic literature, film etc is bull.

No one person completes you. They enhance your life and you love them, but you can survive without them.

I'd suggest you google "detaching with love" for more ideas on the kind of manipulative behaviour you're dealing with.

Next time she threatens suicide or says she's not good enough, tell her calmly that you can't deal with her behaviour and if she really feels like this maybe she should call the Samaritans or get counselling.

It's not your place to be everything for another person; friend, lover, counsellor etc. It's not healthy. This relationship is making you unhappy, and she needs to change. Unfortunately you cannot change another person, but you can change how you react to them. Don't let yourself be manipulated and abused, you're worth more than that.

Good luck OP x

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Your post really struck a chord with me and I've been thinking about it since I read it. I feel like my now-ex-boyfriend could have written your post in the months before we broke up.

You're perfectly right when you say she has low self-esteem, and is probably having difficulty believing that you do love her. I would suspect that these fights that she is picking are attempts to test your love. Unfortunately though these tests won't satisfy her. There's really nothing that you can do to make her happy in herself.

In the end, I drove my boyfriend to break up with me through my behaviour. I've now started counselling and am trying to rebuild my self-esteem. I wish I had started this while we were still together as it would have been far easier with his support, but unfortunately in my case it took him breaking up with me to give me the kick-start that I needed.

I hope that this won't be the case for you and your girlfriend. I would suggest that you should encourage her to seek counselling to try to address the root of her problems. It's unlikely that your relationship will be able to survive this constant testing.

Just as an additional point for consideration - you said that your relationship went very smoothly for the first 1 1/2 years and then around a year ago these problems started. Can you think of anything that happened or changed around that time that may have caused her to start having these doubts around her self-worth?

I wish you all the best and hope you can find a way to work things out.

Lorna123

She is looking for attention all of the time OP and you are giving it to her. Ignore her when she carries on like this. Don't reply and see what happens. She will probably have a major tantrum and threaten to end the relationship, but let her. She will soon come back if you stand your ground.

LegacyUser

OP, I am now 29, I could have written this word for word when I was 21. Back then I felt exactly like you.

Hindsight is a great thing, so I'll just say this. Get out now. You are not responsible for her happiness. She is manipulating you. Then putting on this lovely front to tell you how much she loves you and can't live without you. If she loved you, she wouldnt threaten such things.

Be prepared for her to threaten to do all sorts of horrible things but ignore it. You are not responsible for her happiness and she is in no position to put you or anyone through such a relationship until such time she deals with this.

You are young, you will meet many girls. No question about it, you are very young and will meet many people in the coming years. Do not let her make you believe otherwise.

With all due respect to Guest2056694481, your girl needs to osrt herself out before being in a relationship. If she will or not is up to her and you can't force it. Under no circumstances allow her to make you believe this is what a normal relationship is like, it isn't! It is not up to you to stick around and deal with this when she won't accept she needs help and it will only get worse.

I'm sorry if anyone disagrees but as I said, I could have written this myself several years ago, I'm speaking from experience. She is responsible for herself not you and its not your responsibility to make her happy or sort out the issues she has.

Threatening you with suicide or hurting herself is just not on and anyone who loved you would never do such things. She wants the attention and the drama and is addicted to it. I'd advise you to get away and KNOW you will meet better people in the future who will never put you through such a relationship.

Priori

She sounds as though she could be quite seriously depressed. If she's saying things like she should just kill herself and that she should be buried in the earth, real intervention may be necessary before she does something everyone will regret.