just got some bad news about an ex

LegacyUser

i broke up with my ex over 2 years ago now and it ended pretty badly i suppose. we met once at a party of mutual friends and it was frosty to say the least and we didnt stay in touch, which i suppose is normal enough..i think. i just found out today that they have breast cancer and was diagnosed in april. im still close with some mutual friends and i thought they would have told me. i think im in a bit of shock to be honest. why wouldnt they tell me, its kinda a big deal i think. or am i wrong to think i should be aware of whats going on in an ex's life.

puffishoes

You're out of their life for two years, you don't talk.

why would the state of her health be reported to you? if you didn't talk before cancer why would you talk or care now that they have it?

eviltwin

If you and your ex have mutual friends its possible your ex asked them not to tell you.

She might not be in the frame of mind to have people outside her close circle knowing about it, its a very personal thing and you have to respect her decision to keep it private and not be angry with your friends who were only doing the right thing.

And please don't take matters into your own hands and get back in contact with her to wish her luck etc.

Ellsbells

I don't agree. I was seeing a guy long distance for a couple of years and it ended badly. Didn't speak for about 3 years but when I got bad news last year he emailed me and I really appreciated. So our romance didn't work but I really appreciated the gesture for what it was - support and the hand of friendship at a bad time in my life.

Also if she is facing cancer she might realise life is short and grudges are futile. Drop her a text / mail wishing her best and it's up to her to respond or not.

eviltwin

Ellsbells wrote: »

I don't agree. I was seeing a guy long distance for a couple of years and it ended badly. Didn't speak for about 3 years but when I got bad news last year he emailed me and I really appreciated. So our romance didn't work but I really appreciated the gesture for what it was - support and the hand of friendship at a bad time in my life.

Also if she is facing cancer she might realise life is short and grudges are futile. Drop her a text / mail wishing her best and it's up to her to respond or not.

But if they have mutual friends and the friends know its not too much of a leap to assume one would have told the OP. The fact they haven't could be down to them making that decision themselves but it could be down to the fact she has asked them not to tell him.

If that is the case getting in contact might not only be upsetting to the woman in question it could cause an issue between her and the person who told him ( if that is how he found out )

It could also be very early days for her in terms of the illness, she may not want it to be out there just yet.

Bottom line is if she wanted you to know she would have told you herself or gotten someone else to do it. Its none of your business either, 2 yrs on what goes on in her life has nothing to do with you.

Also the OP doesn't mention getting in touch, just the fact he wasn't told which makes me wonder if the issue from his point of view is not to do with her and her illness but his friends. Self centered much?

wylo

Honestly, I thought this OP was gonna be about whether you should contact her or not, which would be fair enough.

But instead, your core issue is that you werent told, no offence, but who cares??
You have weighed the importance of not being told about it , over the importance of her breast cancer. Maybe thats something you should examine about yourself. I dont mean that in a harsh way, but its just something you could look at.

Ellsbells

Oh yeah you do need to find out why you were not told

Pessimist

If I was diagnosed with cancer and my ex's reaction was 'why wasn't I told' I'd be heartbroken. I really don't think you should contact her especially if you aren't primarily concerned with her wellbeing but instead focused on why she didn't share such a big aspect of her life with you. She is going through the hardest time of her life and if she chooses to contact you then I think you should offer her support.

Stavro Mueller

If I was unfortunate enough to get the bad news your ex has gotten, just about the last person I'd want to know about it would be my ex. You said yourself that last time you met, things were frosty. You're not friends, you don't keep in touch. Why on earth do you think you should be told?

Ellsbells

Ellsbells wrote: »

Oh yeah you do need to find out why you were not told

I'm assuming he wasn't told because they're not close friends now? The OP seems more offended by the fact he wasn't told more so than the actual thing itself.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here,
wow, im actually shocked at some of the comments here. Genuinely i thought that me being concerned about her health was a given and not need to be put in writing here. a few of you are making some pretty rash assumptions about me too which is a little unsettling.
so just to clarify, yes i am extremely concerned about her health and her situation and am quite upset by it.
this forum is usually pretty helpful, until this evening that is. some of you said I should look at myself because according to some people here i am more concerned about not being told. I think you people should look at yourselves for making such rash judgements about people on here.

Stavro Mueller

Everyone's entitled to their own opinion. You might not agree with everything that's said and people can get it very wrong.

You still care about her which is nice and it's admirable. But you might need to stop and look at things from her perspective for a minute. Your relationship didn't end well (were you the one who broke up with her by any chance?) and you weren't exactly best buddies next time you met. For all you know, she might not have wanted you to be told. Her friends might not have wanted to upset her by telling you? Or she may have specifically asked them not to tell you.

Bluntly, there's no reason why you should be told. You're broken up, finito, have no reason to talk to each other. That said, I can see why you might feel aggrieved. Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of your story. Ultimately, neither your ex nor the friends have an obligation to tell you. It's very kind of you to care about her but maybe she doesn't feel so kindly about you?

EGAR

If I were in her shoes and you would contact me re illness, I'd be seriously peed off with whoever told you.

Meauldsegosha

concernedfriend wrote: »

Hi OP here,
wow, im actually shocked at some of the comments here. Genuinely i thought that me being concerned about her health was a given and not need to be put in writing here. a few of you are making some pretty rash assumptions about me too which is a little unsettling.
so just to clarify, yes i am extremely concerned about her health and her situation and am quite upset by it.
this forum is usually pretty helpful, until this evening that is. some of you said I should look at myself because according to some people here i am more concerned about not being told. I think you people should look at yourselves for making such rash judgements about people on here.

OP I think you should read your first post again as it does come across as you were more concerned about your mutual friends not telling you about your ex's illness rather than your ex. That is the reason you received the responses you did.

Wacker The Attacker

Issue like this are hard enough to handle when it involves a person you are currently involved with.

Inviting it into your life unnecessarily will only end in tears.

I know it robably sounds cold but you should only get involved if you have no choice in the matter

eviltwin

concernedfriend wrote: »

Hi OP here,
wow, im actually shocked at some of the comments here. Genuinely i thought that me being concerned about her health was a given and not need to be put in writing here. a few of you are making some pretty rash assumptions about me too which is a little unsettling.
so just to clarify, yes i am extremely concerned about her health and her situation and am quite upset by it.
this forum is usually pretty helpful, until this evening that is. some of you said I should look at myself because according to some people here i am more concerned about not being told. I think you people should look at yourselves for making such rash judgements about people on here.

Sorry if I took you up wrong in your original post but you never mentioned her health at all only your reaction to not being told. I just took it that was your issue. Mea culpa.

But you still haven't clarified your position.

What exactly is upsetting you? If your asking should you contact her then NO. Think about it. You have mutual friends, they know but for some reason have neglected to tell you. Unless they are the type to like having secrets then its probably fair to say your ex has asked them not to tell you and given that you haven't been in touch for 2 yrs its not hard to see why. In her shoes I think I would want only those closest to me to know, its not really something for public consumption.

If you do contact her you will be doing that for you not for her.

goat2

if you know for certain that she has this illness, and that it is not a rumour, send her a get well card, i am sure you know her address,

CathyMoran

When I was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago two of my ex's were of great help to me but we were still friends (they both knew my then fiance). It is a tough call but you could send her a card with your email on it and say that you are there if she needs to talk?

concernedfriend

concernedfriend wrote: »

Hi OP here,
wow, im actually shocked at some of the comments here. Genuinely i thought that me being concerned about her health was a given and not need to be put in writing here. a few of you are making some pretty rash assumptions about me too which is a little unsettling.
so just to clarify, yes i am extremely concerned about her health and her situation and am quite upset by it.
this forum is usually pretty helpful, until this evening that is. some of you said I should look at myself because according to some people here i am more concerned about not being told. I think you people should look at yourselves for making such rash judgements about people on here.

Sorry OP, but we only know as much as you tell us and it's obvious that from your first post, everyone drew the same conclusion. Maybe you should look at why it bothered you so much before you make contact again.

goat2

take no notice that the friends did not tell you, maybe they were nervous of giving you the sad news and felt that you may tell her that they told you, which would mean she may not have like being discussed when she were not present, i can understand for them also,
i have been very ill in the past and i was a bit out of it while it was at its worst, some people are like that when it is like that.

but the nub of your worries is your ex,s health,
so send her a card wishing her good luck and get well, and as someone else said, let her know your number of email address on the end of it. keep it simple.
after all you may have known her far better as you were in a relationship with her in the past,
let us know how you get on.

LegacyUser

I'd imagine she has enough family and friends looking after her and I would not contact her. I think it'd be a negative distraction of the past for her on her mind. she needs to be focusing her energies on positive present thoughts as much as possible. Obviously it's up to you and you know your ex best. But I know I prefer less people to know if I was unwell and def would not want a card from my ex from 2 yrs ago.

missyb

I'd be happy to hear from my ex's, I actually did get an email once, albeit it was about some good news, but I appreciated it. I think its a very nice gesture which she is under no obligation to respond to. I dont understand how people dont get your concern about her health, this was someone you probably cared for very deeply at one point, I dont get the reaction you have gotten here. I'd say go for it, send an email and keep it short and supportive. She may not reply but I think its a good thing to do.

LegacyUser

I recieved some bad health news lately, and while I am still waiting for test results the craziest/worst case scenarios are going through my head. For some reason my ex who I don't speak to anymore came into my head. I was just thinking of how I would tell the people close to me, and how the news would spread, and I'm sure he would hear.

I would not like him to contact me if he heard. Honestly, how he feels about it is irrelevant to me. He is no longer in my life for good reasons for both of us, and an illness should not change that. I would feel very awkward speaking to him after all this time, even if it were for a carin reason such as yours.

She has enough issues going on right now, the last thing she wants is the past getting dredged up. You have no idea how it may affect her. If she had wanted your support, she probably would have contacted you. I think you should leave it be. I know I would not that anyway. When I was thinking about my illness and how people might react, one thing that will probably annoy me is old friends I haven't spoken to in years suddenly being interested again. I know it sounds mean, but I don't want people to just be there for me for sympathy, when they didn't care through the good. I would feel it is more to make themselves feel better and less guilty than genuine support.

Powerhouse

concernedfriend wrote: »

am i wrong to think i should be aware of whats going on in an ex's life.

To answer the above question directly - yes.

You'll always get the people who 'really appreciated their ex getting in touch' at a time of stress, but you'll get as many more who would find it a needless and pointless and maybe even inappropriate distraction.

If the person 'needs to talk' I imagine they'll have a current partner/family members/friends with whom they can do that. In the same way that they have had them when they were well too. They might not need an ex partner shadowing around the periphery of a probably quite private situation.

There's a reason why you are not in contact constantly and you need to keep that in mind. It could come across as patronising or 'I'd better be seen to do something' to make contact at this particular stage. You've moved on - stay moved on.

BraziliaNZ

You have nothing to do with her anymore and it's none of your business. I'm sure she can do without the drama of hearing from you if it ended badly, it's not like you're still friends. I wouldn't want any of my exes contacting me even if I was on my deathbed, when it's over it's over in my opinion.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I am appalled at the responses you've received, sorry about that :mad: Reading your original post it's quite obvious you're shocked at hearing this news and deeply concerned.

Speaking as someone who understands what it is to be sick, send her a card. Simply say "I heard you were ill, I'm really sorry to hear it, if there's ever anything I can do at all here's my number". At the end of the day just because she's an ex doesn't mean she's dead to you the way some people assume she should be.

I can gaurantee her head is all over the place. I know mine was when I was dianosed. I appreciated every single message of support I got, from everyone. I really can't see the harm in sending her a message of support.

Best of luck.

P. Breathnach

There seems to be a strong division of opinion on this question. I think that tells us one thing: that people are different, and what works for some does not work for others.

OP, you know this person better than we do. You should have some idea of how she might feel, but I would understand that you might have a worry that you might get it wrong. Can you seek guidance from somebody better placed than us, from one of her friends?

cats.life

hey op, she must be finished first part of treatment by now if she was told back in april, im a excancer lady who went through it all and people who you dont exspect to get in touch with me at that time was so up lifting cos what ever the reason why ye split up in the firstplace is water under the bridge, cos all thoughts are like ''oh my god this is really bad to happen ''why me'' am i going to die of this'' so do go on if you know her address send a get well card , her life now is consumed with cancer cancer, chemo, surgery, radiotheraphy, loads of doctors apointments so even a card from an ex would be a good inerruption .:)

Ellsbells

The bulk of people who say to contact her have been through a trauma and appreciated all support offered.

I never understand the whole ex is a 'persona non grata' sentiment on these threads. Unless you treated your ex Like total crap or vice versa they are a person you loved at one point so can't be all bad...