In love with a guy who is taken

LegacyUser

Hi all,

You may think I'm an awful person but my problem is that I'm in love with a guy who is taken. He has periodically cheated on her with me. Maybe once every 6 months or so. We swear it won't happen again and lo and behold it happens again. The last time we vowed it wouldn't happen again.

How do I get over this guy? It kills me that he is still with his girlfriend. Please help as this is eating me up.

Beruthiel

Can't Have Him wrote: »

Please help as this is eating me up.

It will continue to eat you up while you repeat the same cycle.
Go find your self respect. You wouldn't allow a man to treat you like this if you had any.
I don't mean that to sound harsh, I want you truly face this situation honestly.
Why do you allow this man to come alone every six months and throw you a bone?

Until you truly walk away from him and move on with your life, nothing will get better.
Realise he is not for you.
If he was, he would not be with his girlfriend.
Also, he's a cheater.
I have zero respect or time for cheaters.
I pity his poor girlfriend, she deserves to be treated better than this.

You should be out looking for a man who will treat you like you are the only woman in the world for him.
While you continue to pine for this man, that won't happen.

Taltos

Can't Have Him wrote: »

We swear it won't happen again and lo and behold it happens again.

OP - snow happens, rain happens. Cheating does not - it is a choice. Sorry to be brutal about it - but if you really want this to stop only you can make this "happen". Choose not to cheat again and to be 100% sure cut him out of your life. Warn him that if he ever ever contacts you again you will tell his loving girlfriend...

Remember - it is not just you being affected by your joint decision - his girlfriend is also being impacted.

It is clear from your post that you want this to change - so change it now. Make the decision and stick to it. Clearly if he really wanted to be with you he would be - all you are to him is a quick fix - a diversion from real life. Surely you are worth more than that...

Ellsbells

I wouldn't give him the pleasure of thinking (a) that he can have two women and (b) that he can pick me up, have sex and drop me when he wants.

Op seriously what is the attraction to him? He is a cheat, a user and too spineless to leave his gf who he appears to be unhappy with?

What is the future here?

username123

Imagine if he left his girlfriend and came to be with you! Wouldnt you just be the happiest girl in the world??

NO YOU WOULDNT. Because you would never be able to shake the worry that he was cheating on you with someone else. The interlude with a cheater is one thing, exciting, sexy, forbidden etc... The reality is something else, they are secretive, sly, unreliable, manipulative.

If you got to be with him full time you'd always wonder. Everytime he was late, everytime he didnt answer his phone, everytime someone said they thought they saw him somewhere unexpected, youd wonder.

Why on earth would anyone want this for themselves!!! Unless you are some kind of masochist.

Ellsbells

username123 wrote: »

you would never be able to shake the worry that he was cheating on you with someone else.

Great point!!

"When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy."

One to think about OP.

curlzy

Ewwww sorry OP but that's disgusting. You allow him to sleep with you even though you know he has another woman at home? Have you gotton an STI check? If not, you certainly should, who knows what he has.

Go and get some counselling and find out why you're willing to be with a man who's blatantly such a cheating scumbag. If it turns out you're doing it for the trill take up sky diving or something instead. I feel sorry for his poor clueless girlfriend, I find it mad that you don't. You need to grow a conscience, what you're doing is wrong, true he's even worse but that's no excuse, you know he's taken. The power to stop this is yours.

belle2

I cant bear people like you. You have no respect for anyone, mostly yourself. What do you say to yourself to make what you are doing ok. Why would you settle for a partner and situation like that. Pathetic:mad::mad:

neveah

belle2 wrote: »

I cant bear people like you. You have no respect for anyone, mostly yourself. What do you say to yourself to make what you are doing ok. Why would you settle for a partner and situation like that. Pathetic:mad::mad:

That's very harsh. I can't bear people like you who are so black and white about situations :rolleyes:

We don't know the OP but it's obvious she isn't happy with the situation. People are human and make mistakes all the time.

This guy has become somewhat of an obsession with you OP but really he's not a nice guy and he's not the right guy for you because the previous posters are right, if he liked you he would have left his girlfriend by now. Stop daydreaming and living in fantasyland about what is going to happen between you in the future. You do need to take back control and refuse any of his advances going forward. The feeling of rejection and loneliness afterwards are not worth the quick fumble. It is about building up your self respect and working on your confidence and self esteem.

Carrying on this situation with this guy is only going to be detrimental to all of the above. Obsessing and hanging onto the crumbs that he is giving you means that potentially you are overlooking some very nice lads who are interested in you. You are worth more than being the 'bit on the side', from what you say you don't want to be in this position anymore.

Just remember no matter what he says to you, watch what he actually does. He always goes back to the girlfriend and he is still with her, that speaks volumes to me. Move on OP, anytime you start thinking about him just think 'scumbag', soon you will start to believe it to be true best of luck

belle2

neveah wrote: »

That's very harsh. I can't bear people like you who are so black and white about situations :rolleyes:

We don't know the OP but it's obvious she isn't happy with the situation. People are human and make mistakes all the time.

This guy has become somewhat of an obsession with you OP but really he's not a nice guy and he's not the right guy for you because the previous posters are right, if he liked you he would have left his girlfriend by now. Stop daydreaming and living in fantasyland about what is going to happen between you in the future. You do need to take back control and refuse any of his advances going forward. The feeling of rejection and loneliness afterwards are not worth the quick fumble. It is about building up your self respect and working on your confidence and self esteem.

Carrying on this situation with this guy is only going to be detrimental to all of the above. Obsessing and hanging onto the crumbs that he is giving you means that potentially you are overlooking some very nice lads who are interested in you. You are worth more than being the 'bit on the side', from what you say you don't want to be in this position anymore.

Just remember no matter what he says to you, watch what he actually does. He always goes back to the girlfriend and he is still with her, that speaks volumes to me. Move on OP, anytime you start thinking about him just think 'scumbag', soon you will start to believe it to be true best of luck

Absolutely not harsh and I am certainly not a black and white person I am a person who will always see every side and absolutely agree that we are all human and make mistakes but this girl has admited that she has cheated with him periodically every 6 months or so, thats not a mistake. As much as he is a cheat he is the one with the girlfriend she is cheating too and both have to be responsible for their own actions. This brings me back to my original response I cant bear people who cheat:mad:

neveah

belle2 wrote: »

neveah wrote: »

That's very harsh. I can't bear people like you who are so black and white about situations :rolleyes:

We don't know the OP but it's obvious she isn't happy with the situation. People are human and make mistakes all the time.

This guy has become somewhat of an obsession with you OP but really he's not a nice guy and he's not the right guy for you because the previous posters are right, if he liked you he would have left his girlfriend by now. Stop daydreaming and living in fantasyland about what is going to happen between you in the future. You do need to take back control and refuse any of his advances going forward. The feeling of rejection and loneliness afterwards are not worth the quick fumble. It is about building up your self respect and working on your confidence and self esteem.

Carrying on this situation with this guy is only going to be detrimental to all of the above. Obsessing and hanging onto the crumbs that he is giving you means that potentially you are overlooking some very nice lads who are interested in you. You are worth more than being the 'bit on the side', from what you say you don't want to be in this position anymore.

Just remember no matter what he says to you, watch what he actually does. He always goes back to the girlfriend and he is still with her, that speaks volumes to me. Move on OP, anytime you start thinking about him just think 'scumbag', soon you will start to believe it to be true best of luck

Absolutely not harsh and I am certainly not a black and white person I am a person who will always see every side and absolutely agree that we are all human and make mistakes but this girl has admited that she has cheated with him periodically every 6 months or so, thats not a mistake. As much as he is a cheat he is the one with the girlfriend she is cheating too and both have to be responsible for their own actions. This brings me back to my original response I cant bear people who cheat:mad:

You can't bear people who cheat, fair enough, you are entitled to your opinion of course, I just found the tone of your post unnecessarily harsh, attacking and unhelpful when the OP is looking for advice to help get herself get out of the situation.

What you said above of course is true when you look at things in a clinical, black and white sense. I suppose the point I was trying to make is that we don't know the OP or any of the people involved and having seen situations like this occur in real life from all points of view I try and keep an open mind that unfortunately sh*t does happen, and it happens all the time!

With regards the OP, I tend to wonder why she feels the way she does and why does she get herself into these situations? Why has she low self respect/self esteem? Is she desperate for love? Has she been cheated on herself in the past or had her heart broken? Maybe the guy is a manipulator who is feeding her lines to make her think something may happen? What is the history of the relationship with this guy? Is he a friend? Is he the one making the advances and she is weak and gives in? Are there drink/drugs involved when these encounters take place? Or does she actively pursue him? Why does she think she loves this guy based purely on random sexual encounters? Is there more to this story? There are so many factors that influence people's behaviour when it comes to situations like this, they are not necessarily evil or bad people.

Only the OP knows the full story but she has been given good advice by most posters here, she has realised she's in a bad place and she is working on getting herself out of it. That's the first step.

As I said OP, don't let your mind convince you of anything else other than what a cheating scumbag he is. Keep repeating it to yourself, followed by 'I am worth and deserve more' and 'I am only open to healthy relationships'. Affirmations can help the mind to get back to basics when your emotions get the better of you. Chin up, you can do it. There is someone out there who will love you for you and will not be interested in anybody else but you, focus on meeting that person.

desertcircus

If it's possible, avoid ever seeing him. It can be difficult to remain steadfast when you're in each other's company and you both know there's an attraction, so don't agree to meet him, defriend him on Facebook, and delete his number. A huge factor in cheating for a lot of people is opportunity, so engineer it to make sure the opportunity never arises.

And don't listen to people calling you horrible things over this; cheating is a crappy thing done by millions of otherwise lovely people, and the fact they cheated or were party to cheating says very little about them.

Motley Crue

Can't Have Him wrote: »

How do I get over this guy? It kills me that he is still with his girlfriend. Please help as this is eating me up.

If it was me, and I was you, I'd tell his girlfriend. As a man I am disgusted by the behaviour of individuals like this who give people like me (by extension) a bad name

No wonder I feel like I always have to work harder in life with the opposite sex when there are assholes like this in the world. His girlfriend will be upset to hear what you say, but she has a right to know the kind of cheating bastard who comes home to her every night, the kind of man who probably buys her a gift when he has spent that night away, or that night late at the office, or that night out with the lads. The kind of man who lies in the bed beside her, holds her close and tells her she is the only one...just before he goes to see you.

Funny enough, she's probably the kind of girl who knows inside, who allows it because it means he'll at least stay with her for most of the time.

The world is a dark and confusing place

belle2

belle2 wrote: »

I cant bear people like you. You have no respect for anyone, mostly yourself. What do you say to yourself to make what you are doing ok. Why would you settle for a partner and situation like that. Pathetic:mad::mad:

belle, welcome to PI. please read the charter re: helpful posting and keep replies civil and helpful to OP. Tone it down
thanks

Amy33

Please do not take Motley Crue's advice. Whatever you do, DO NOT tell his girlfriend. It will only open a can of worms and she won't believe you anyway.

analucija

I have no intention of calling you a bad person or similar and as someone who once very badly wanted to do what you did I can understand how you feel.

Be rational about it. He doesn't love you or he would sleep with you more often than every six months. He seeps with you when he wants to and not when he absolutely can't help himself. You have to decide if that is enough for you and I think you know the answer. Go out, start seeing other men and have fun and sooner or later there will be somebody who will make you forget him. He will not leave his girlfriend or wife for you so you have to find somebody else. You will forget him very quickly once you stop hoping that there is a future for you two.

EGAR

People in a relationship fall in love with a third party quite often. Such is life. But they usually LEAVE their old partner to start a relationship with their new love interest which clearly isn't the case in your story.

Take the hint. The guy is using you for casual sex.

Ellsbells

Amy33 wrote: »

Please do not take Motley Crue's advice. Whatever you do, DO NOT tell his girlfriend. It will only open a can of worms and she won't believe you anyway.

Why not? Thats why a$$holes get away with it. The gf could be exposed to a sti without knowing and needs to know if her sexual partner is sleeping with other people.

LegacyUser

O.P. how do you know you are the only one. I was tempted to get involved with someone in a relationship. Found out they had a string of affairs. It's all about ego, getting their cake and eating it. He must be deeply unhappy to need another women to validate that he is desirable. You are missing out on all the dimensions of a relationship; companionship, support, commitment etc.. I think you know that otherwise you wouldn't be asking this question.