Teenage behaviour at 9 ?

J500

This evening my 9 year old daughter turned on me. I explained that the visit we were supposed to be making on Saturday would have to be made another week as a friend has died and I must attend the funeral. She is "sick of living in this house" and would like to leave, "your not my mother etc. etc." she packed a bag and decided to go. I had to physically (pulling arm) stop her from leaving twice. I said that we would discuss all tomorrow. She is at the end of a week of camp and is really tired. I kept repeating that the reason she cannot leave is because she is only 9 and it is bedtime. Eventually I walked away and started googling this behaviour. I would expect similar from a 14 year old but not 9. I am so distraught, hurt and don't know how I can stop this escalating, this has been the worst one yet, I tried to keep calm after initially reacting. Oh God, what is ahead? I am so upset. Is this normal behaviour? I am very hurt at what she said but know that it is because something is making her angry. Definitely Pre-pubescent! Do other 9 year olds have this aggression ?

Morag

Some do and it can be hormone related, but it is honestly not that much different then the sort of tantrums they throw at 3. Other then they know better how to push our buttons and we then feel like we have failed them. You haven't failed her, if you were looking to sort it out and find a better way then you'd be failing her.

You are in a very emotional place atm with your recent lost and that makes it harder to deal with.

If either of mine were to pack a bag and declare they were going, I'd be ringing a friend or relative to get them to take them for at least an over night. To give them time and space to think about what they are saying then come home.

As for how to stop it escalating, they test us and push against the boundaries we set for them, it's what they do , it's what we did as kids. As parents we have to then reinforce the rules and not let them away with anything until they settled down again.
Hard to do at the best of times, harder when you've lost someone.

Is there a close relative who can take her for an over night to give you both a break?
Who you know will back you up, if the conversation comes around to her behaviour?

Rosy Posy

What your daughter is experiencing is absolutely natural for her age. Its sometimes called the Rubicon or the nine-year old change. The child passes a 'point of no return', where a new level of individuality is attained and her family suddenly ceases to be infallible. This can be a frightening experience which can cause her to lash out at and deny her parents. There is a lot written about getting through this stage by Rudolf Steiner and Waldorf Edcuational Theory which might help you.

Just want you to know that this is completely normal for all kids to a degree but the kids that seem more robust to it, in my experience, are the ones who have a lot of physical and outdoor activities to throw themselves into. Best of luck, OP!

LadyMayBelle

J500 wrote: »

This evening my 9 year old daughter turned on me. I explained that the visit we were supposed to be making on Saturday would have to be made another week as a friend has died and I must attend the funeral. She is "sick of living in this house" and would like to leave, "your not my mother etc. etc." she packed a bag and decided to go. I had to physically (pulling arm) stop her from leaving twice. I said that we would discuss all tomorrow. She is at the end of a week of camp and is really tired. I kept repeating that the reason she cannot leave is because she is only 9 and it is bedtime. Eventually I walked away and started googling this behaviour. I would expect similar from a 14 year old but not 9. I am so distraught, hurt and don't know how I can stop this escalating, this has been the worst one yet, I tried to keep calm after initially reacting. Oh God, what is ahead? I am so upset. Is this normal behaviour? I am very hurt at what she said but know that it is because something is making her angry. Definitely Pre-pubescent! Do other 9 year olds have this aggression ?

Lots of things jumped out at me from your post, OP. Firstly, that recent loss must have been a blow to you, and your little girl would have absolutely felt something from you about that. You also mention she was tired after a week long camp. She's also nine, pre pubescent. Three things straight away that might have been a push factor in this situation!

Few things: where would she have gone had she left? Just curious about this one. What happened in the the aftermath; you only mention you walked away and googled; what happened to her and what happened at the next 'encounter?'. You mention you told her ye would talk tomorrrow.. Also was this behaviour a once off, or have things been like this for a while? Anything you feel might have triggered it other than the above suggestions?

Would love to help, and importantly, Im sorry for your loss.

Acoshla

Yeah I started this sort of crappy behaviour when I was 9, my mum always says I went through puberty from 9 to 13, by 13 I was a perfectly well behaved mature teenager and never gave her an ounce of grief again. I did hit puberty early-ish, I was my full grown height by 12 and started to develop around 11, so just went threw the whole thing early.