Late 30's...... No children and starting to get a bit panicky!

Whiteflag12

Not sure if this is the right place for this post....... As title says I'm heading into late 30's and have no children. Always thought I'd have 2 but life hasn't panned out this way. Just started dating a new guy recently so it's not immediately on the cards either.....

Anybody else in this situation? Never thought I'd be singleish with no kids at my age...... The biological clock has been ticking loudly for ages!

Can't stop thinking about it lately.......

M_Bovary

Hi Op.

I'm turning 32 next month and I'm also single and without children. It doesn't worry me in the slightest because I'm enjoying life and that's most important to me at the moment. If settling down and having children became my priority tomorrow then I would begin to take steps in that direction, but I wouldn't be worried about not having done it by any arbitrarily selected age. It's a big life decision and in my opinion it shouldn't be rushed or taken lightly.

Dolbert

In fertility terms, there's a fair difference between early and late thirties. It's all well and good to say 'no rush' but sadly us women often have less time than we think.

rainbow kirby

Moved from tLL to PI.

Ellsbells

Dolorous wrote: »

In fertility terms, there's a fair difference between early and late thirties.

No point stressing the girl out further. You would want to be deaf, blind and dumb and living alone for 50 years not to know that....

The worst thing anyone can do is rush into having a kid with a new partner just to have a kid so in that regard there is no rush.

OP have you considered going ahead anyway and maybe getting pregnant by sperm donor? Would you consider adoption. There are alternatives to think of?

I got pregnant within one month of trying at 41 so not everyone has fertility problems over 35.... Some do but not everyone. Ignore the statistics as you cant win against them in that you could be 21 and not able to have kids. Maybe your partner would not be able to have kids so you never know...

Do keep fit and healthy and also it may be no harm talking to your gp about tests to check your hormone levels etc.

Dolbert

Ellsbells wrote: »

No point stressing the girl out further. You would want to be deaf, blind and dumb and living alone for 50 years not to know that....

I was responding to the poster above me who was telling the OP that she has oodles of time which isn't the case. There is a difference between scaremongering and being realistic. It's great that you got pregnant at 41 immediately, but that would not be the norm!

Ellsbells

Dolorous wrote: »

I was responding to the poster above me who was telling the OP that she has oodles of time which isn't the case. There is a difference between scaremongering and being realistic. It's great that you got pregnant at 41 immediately, but that would not be the norm!

She said the decision shouldn't be rushed and when there is a new partner involved that's 100% right.

It's not all doom and gloom for people over 35 trying yo have kids but I know before I had my baby I was scared stiff with prophesies of doom about fertility levels. IMO the additional stress on women about statistics etc means it is even harder for them to get pg. There is no point stalling but op is in a new relationship so why add to the pressure by warning her about fertility issues she may not even have????

stargazer 68

Whiteflag12 wrote: »

Not sure if this is the right place for this post....... As title says I'm heading into late 30's and have no children. Always thought I'd have 2 but life hasn't panned out this way. Just started dating a new guy recently so it's not immediately on the cards either.....

Anybody else in this situation? Never thought I'd be singleish with no kids at my age...... The biological clock has been ticking loudly for ages!

Can't stop thinking about it lately.......

Why are you panicking and thinking about it constantly? Is it because you want to have children or you thought you would have children by now and it hasn't worked out as planned?

Dolbert

Ellsbells wrote: »

She said the decision shouldn't be rushed and when there is a new partner involved that's 100% right.

It's not all doom and gloom for people over 35 trying yo have kids but I know before I had my baby I was scared stiff with prophesies of doom about fertility levels. IMO the additional stress on women about statistics etc means it is even harder for them to get pg. There is no point stalling but op is in a new relationship so why add to the pressure by warning her about fertility issues she may not even have????

I hate the 'get a move on' brigade as much as anyone, that is not what I am trying to do here so please stop representing it as such. Of course it isn't something to rush into, however she needs to be upfront with her new partner that she wants kids within the next few years and make sure he's on board with that.

Pessimist

I'm not sure what help I can be but I do think each of the posters above have some valid points. On the one hand, you want to enjoy life, be set up with a loving partner whom you love and want to have a family with. Then welcome a child into a warm home where you are set up to provide a good home & are ready in yourself and your relationship. But then on the other hand, fertility issues are a very real concern for women over 35 and so you do have to be mindful of time.

I know some people just don't want kids but there are a lot of older women who didn't aim to not have children, life just worked out that way. They always thought they'd have kids but it was never something that seemed a priority until it was too late. I don't think that's you.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, you are conscious of what you want in life and that time is an issue. With that in mind, I think you should enjoy life, enjoy this budding relationship, don't rush it but be mindful that if there are obvious clues that he's not father material then maybe move on.

If you find in 6 months that things aren't progressing or you have this overwhelming ache for children that won't go away, then maybe look at other options suggested by above posters. Either way, I think you have your head screwed on and will get what you want.

curlzy

Dolorous wrote: »

I hate the 'get a move on' brigade as much as anyone, that is not what I am trying to do here so please stop representing it as such. Of course it isn't something to rush into, however she needs to be upfront with her new partner that she wants kids within the next few years and make sure he's on board with that.

OP, I'd be careful with regards to taking this advise. If you're only going out with him a week you might give him heart failure. Do you even know him long enough to think you would you actually want him father your children? My mother got pregnant on my brother at 37 and my sister at 42 without help, both were born perfect, try not to stress overly, you don't need to sort this out today

Best of luck.

Yardleys Lavender

Dovies wrote: »

Why are you panicking and thinking about it constantly? Is it because you want to have children or you thought you would have children by now and it hasn't worked out as planned?

That's a terrible thing to say to somebody. I am 37 and there are days when all I see are pregnant ladies and happy families.

I am in exactly the same position and have an extremely full and busy both work and personal life, but yet there are days (that coincide with the hormones) that I am totally obsessed with getting pregnant, having children, will I have healthy children etc etc. It's a natural and mature thing to worry about. Also, I have found in my own experience, that those who already have conceived naturally and easily are quick to point out that I shouldn't be worrying. Having children is the woman's job that she can only do for a certain amount of years. I think that the OP is fully entitled to worry and think about having children.

It's only my 2 cents, but the OP is certainly not alone.

stargazer 68

Yardleys Lavender wrote: »

That's a terrible thing to say to somebody. I am 37 and there are days when all I see are pregnant ladies and happy families.

.

Why? She didnt say she wanted children -she said she was panicking because she didnt have any by now!

Yardleys Lavender

Dovies wrote: »

Why? She didnt say she wanted children -she said she was panicking because she didnt have any by now!

The OP said that she had previous ideas of a couple of children, was thinking about it all the time and her clock was ticking.

At a guess, I would say that you have at one child. I have none and am thinking about the same thing and can empathise.:o

dory

Hey OP, it's a tough one. If I were you I'd talk to the new guy and see what he thinks. I've a friend who's in her late thirties and also freaking out. She's just back from a clinic in Copenhagen. She's going to get a sperm donation in Autumn. It's one option.

ncmc

Yardleys Lavender wrote: »

The OP said that she had previous ideas of a couple of children, was thinking about it all the time and her clock was ticking.

At a guess, I would say that you have at one child. I have none and am thinking about the same thing and can empathise.:o

I think you’re picking Dovies up wrong, her point was that the OP didn’t actually say she wanted children. She said that she thought she would have a couple of kids by now. I think the point Dovies was trying to get at, is the OP panicking because she really wants a child? Or because she thought she would have some by now, and maybe society expects her to have kids by now? It’s a valid question that Dovies is asking.

I am also having trouble TTC, I am only 33 and it is something that I am beginning to think about more and more as I get older. To the OP, the only thing I can suggest, is maybe get some tests done now and see what the story is with your fertility. You could have everything in working order and this might give you the peace of mind to relax for a couple of years. Also, you could find out that you have issues already in which case, that will give you time to think about your options. Knowledge is power and all that!

I would also be careful about saying it too early to your new partner, you could scare the crap out of him very easily! But I would also echo the previous poster who said you should have a good idea where he’s at on the whole baby thing within 6 months. If he definitely doesn’t want them or wants to wait a few years, you would then have to make a decision, which would not be easily unfortunately.

I would say don’t panic yet, you’re late 30’s not mid 40’s. Get tested now and hopefully you still have lots of child bearing years left!

Ellsbells

Yardleys Lavender wrote: »

Also, I have found in my own experience, that those who already have conceived naturally and easily are quick to point out that I shouldn't be worrying.

Maybe they are trying to help having been in your shoes (as I was til 39)...

Oh definitely don't tell him - that's too much pressure at this early stage. Also, who is to know you will want to have kids with him? He might be grand to date but not father material.

Whiteflag12

Thanks for all the replies guys.....

Just to answer a few of your questions, I do want kids, one definitely but if possible two would be perfect. All my sisters have children so I'm completely aware of what's involved and the huge change of lifestyle it will bring so I'm not going into a situation blindly. I guess I just never considered being a single parent, or even the possibility of sperm donation, can that even be done in Ireland?

Most of my friends have children and I feel like I'm coming to the stage where I need to start seriously considering other options in case I don't meet a partner.... I'd rather bring up a child on my own rather than looking back on my life with regret and thinking I should have taken control of the situation and done something about it before it was too late!

Ellsbells

Yeah it can be done in Ireland and is worth looking in to. Fair play to you for being open minded about it and knowing what you want.

LegacyUser

Not everyone one has a one or a couple of children by the time there in there late 30's.
You may not have met the right person yet. You may think that all your friends who are married and or have children are very happy but this may not be the case.
I would not mention kids to your boyfriend for a while but I admire you for thinking what will I do if he is not mister right or where do I see myself in the next year or two if I don't have a child by that stage. I know one couple who had problems getting pregnant and they had ivf.
I was told my this person that if you are having ivf via the Hari clinic ( Rotunda Hospital) they will only consider ivf treatment if you are part of a couple for at least 2 years. This person also looked into adoption and they both had to be 35 or under.
I would start to do as much research as possible from now to see what your options are if you decide to get pregnant on your own.
good luck.

theg81der

Would you consider adoption if by the time you meet a partner if you have fertility issues? If you feel passionately that you want your own then yes I would start considering your options. There is no way to sugar coat the evidence - fertility decreases with age and you have increased risks associated with the pregnancy.

Maybe there is positives to being a single parent? I`m about to have a baby and I`m wary of the effect it will have on my relationship - have you noticed how many couples break up not long after having a child. Being in a relationship to start is not a guarentee of it continuing.

kjl

I hate to be the downer of this thread, but you must also consider the possibly that you may not have children. Yes there are many options but unless you are absolutely committed to the idea and even if you are they may not pan out.

I would maybe suggest freezing some of your eggs which will give you a couple of extra years.