Long Distance Relationship - making the move & resentment

Fiona

Hi

Has anybody been in a long distance relationship and had to make the move to be with the other person?

What did you did with your career, were you able to get a similar job? Did you have to take pay cut and loose out on certain benefits?

Were you resentful of what you had to give up to be with the other person?

Just curious to hear other peoples thoughts?

LegacyUser

Making any type of sacrifice for a partner where you're not 100% in acceptance of your decision can lead to resentment and can be destructive to the relationship. That's my experience anyway.

LegacyUser

Your post is vague, OP because each and everyone's experiences will vary. First, I do not know what you do for a living and where exactly you are are moving to. The challenges I experienced was getting adjusted to the way of life and how things work around in Ireland. I come from another EU country and in my line of work there are drastic shortages here. I only needed to take an exam and be part of the order. I started work in my field three months after my arrival. The pay is definitely more here than where I am from but like I said it will vary depending where you go and what you do.

All I can advise is to make sure your partner helps you out in case you are not able to find work quickly. It may take months depending where you are going and work you do. I also suggest turning this into an adventure and new learning experience in addition of gaining the benefits of being with the other person. If you are going over there just for him, then there may be some risk of resentment. But if you go to partake in other things like learning a new language, culture, and possibly furthering your education than it can be worthwhile even if the relationship were not to work out. I know if things didn't work out for me I would go back home with a Masters and the work experience I know that would be harder and longer to get in my own country.

Princess Peach

I haven't started in a career yet, so have no problem moving to be with my boyfriend. He has a career, but would be happy for a change so he wouldn't mind moving to be with me if I couldn't find a job near him.

We will be together 2 years early next year, so have decided we will live together then, wherever in the world that may be. Getting my career off the ground is really the priority, so if I can't find anything good near him we will both move away together. And he has told me he is happy to do this, even though it would be difficult for him.

Not sure what the case would be if both of us were very happy in our careers. In my view, I like to take chances and risks, and try the unexpected. For me, I only regret the things I didn't do, just my way of life.

I guess your really have to look at your priorities and where your heart lies. You fear being resentful of the relationship, but maybe in a few years time you might be resentful of the job you chose over that?

Angeles

Yep, I moved to Slovenia for my OH.
We had a long distance relationship for about 9 months before I came to the decision to make the move with quite a bit of pressure I might add.

Took me about a year to settle in and find a job in the same career and yes i was required to take quite a pay cut, the tax and cost of living here is much cheaper to Ireland and as such, so is the pay grade.

Was i resentful? Nah it was exciting and new, in many ways still is. Some things are very hard like making friends, speaking different language, adapting to food and comforts you are used to, but you tend to see past all of that if the person you are with for it worth it. I'm here 3 years and we are engaged to be married for example.

But even so that question is probably the only one i don't think this could be answered well by me. People moving distance tend to resent it later because of the life they are used to and access to family and friends.
Prior to my move i lived in a depression with no friends and an emotionally damaging family in Dublin, so my resentfulness perspective could be very different.

johnr1

It's a worry, - we have this coming up in the next 12 months or so. We currently live together near her job, but my house, work opportuities and long term plan is elsewhere. Her job is specialised and she may find it difficult to get something closer than a 1.5 - 2 hr commute from where my house is.
I'm worried that this might lead to unfulfillment and dissatisfaction for her in the future.
On the plus side, she is totally behind the move, and is in general a very family/kids oriented person, and has many times stated that her primary goal would be a safe and beautiful place for them to grow up in.

Having said all that, I'd move anywhere in the world permanently in order to be with her, so all options remain open in the future.

I know this isn't really advice, but maybe it helps to know that there are more of us out there struggling with the same issue.

Eta. Most of the types of job available in Dublin also exist in the other cities in Irl.

Fiona

Ok background. I am only with this person a month so i feel a bit silly even discussing it but he keeps dropping hints about how amazing it would be to have me down his neck of the woods and we were looking at houses on daft so that's why i am thinking about my options.

I rent in Dublin. Own an apartment in Ashbourne which is rented out. He rents in West Cork. He will be due money in two years time which should be enough to buy a house and some land in he country.

I am an offshore administrator with an offshore company for the last 7 years. From what i can see there are no 38k a year jobs with flexi time fitting that description down in Cork but i am open to correction.

If i was to make the move i most definitely need to leave the line of work i am used to and take a pay cut. I have worked in the Irish life assurance industry for 6 years previous to my current role so i have lots of on the job experience but none of the financial exams to back up all the hard work i have done.

I am not a very studious person lets say i only flourish and understand things when they are shown to me in action. Sitting with my head in books totally disengages me. I also only did foundation maths for my leaving. I am not even sure i could pass one of those aptitude tests!

I would miss my friends and family but they are only two hours away in a car so that's not really an issue. I think the lack of street lights will bother me more!!

My job and and salary would be the only thing holding me back from a leap of faith like this but then at the same time i would be living rent and mortgage free somewhere. I am just accustomed to a certain standard of living and giving that up or adjusting it would be very hard for me to cope with.

Plus don't want to feel like a free loader so used to providing for myself that i would not be used to being dependent on somebody so much while i try to get sorted although fingers crossed his business would be good so i could help out there in the meantime.

I don't like change but after a while i normally come round to things. I just need to be gently pushed. Even if could secure a 3 day week in work i would be laughing i could commute up and down.

Anyway thanks for reading!

Ellsbells

Op you have outlined an awful lot of detailed personal info there. Just pointing that out in case you are generally a private person.

I wouldn't worry about this for minimum a year from now and see how it goes til then. It's also very soon to be looking at houses with him. I would worry that you are very invested in this already before you even really know him. How much time do you spend alone together per week?

Why would you resent him if you make a joint decision?

Fiona

Hi there

We have been spending weekends with each other and just this morning i am going home after taking a week off to be with each other.

We talk quite a lot via text email and Facebook during the day and evening time. We have also discussed what our future life plans are as in if it were to get serious what we would expect from each other.

Yes its way to soon to be even thinking about these sorts of things but this is the type of people we both are, running around at a 100mph all the time.

I just really want to hear from people who may have been in this situation before.

Ellsbells

I did it, quite quickly as well and it didn't work out as we didn't actually know each other that well.

Angeles

A month? Ok i hate to say that to me comes across as one of you or both of you having some strong attachment issues.
I'm all for taking risks and seeing how life treats me, but i still do it with a pinch of caution, you can't know anything about this guy after a couple of days spent together to judge if its A: worth losing a job over B: Moving in together

Give yourself a bit of time, talking online and text knowing a person is so far different to how they are to actually live with.
Put some worst case scenarios into perspective, on top of losing your job, he could be a complete slob to live with and have far difference expectations to your own and should this be the case your relationship foundation after 1 month is certainly not strong enough to give him a kick to get his arse in gear.

Strongly suggest you put moving out of your mind for the time being and Spend some quality time together seriously first. Get to really know each other, then after a little while longer, take a couple of weeks holidays and just live together and give yourself a preview before making a life decision.

LittleBook

Fiona wrote: »

just this morning i am going home after taking a week off to be with each other.

Actually, this is your problem. I'm in a long-distance relationship and there is a glow, a positivity, an optimism, a feeling of "we can do anything we set our minds to!!!" ... surrounding us both when we've spent some extended quality time together. This is tempered by the pain of separation which can bring it's own intoxicating influence to the mix.

In a way you're drunk and drunk people do not make rational decisions.

Fiona wrote: »

I would miss my friends and family but they are only two hours away in a car so that's not really an issue.

He is only two hours away by car and you would be giving up an awful lot if you made this move. There is no rush whatsoever, you can spend weekends together, get to know the area, research job prospects, etc.

There's plenty of time so take your time.

Princess Peach

If ye are living so close to each other and its only been one month, take your time with it.

Right now you are thinking of moving down there, you've said nothing about whether he has the option to move to you.

There will be no resentment when me and my boyfriend move for each other, even though it will be away from our families, and possibly his job, because we know we want to be together and our relationship is the most important thing. Being sure about that takes time.

cbmonstra

I did this recently.

Moved 2 hours away from home to be with my oh. I took a job that's a step down, so to speak, less money, responsibility etc.

I'm only a couple of months in, but think I made the right decision. I don't mind having to cut back on a few luxuries so I can be with my oh, he is absolutely worth it, more than worth it.

However, we were doing long distance for 3 years before I made the move. It was a huge decision, not taken lightly. I spent about a year thinking about it before I moved to be with him. We looked at loads of other options first, like both of us moving half way, him moving to me, all the possible options really.

In the end, a job came up and I took the plunge. To be honest, my job now, while less compensation, is less stressful with nice colleagues, and I go home happy to see my oh every day.

tl:dr best decision I ever made, after a good long think about it first

Fiona

Ok just to get things straight this is not something i am thinking of doing tomorrow morning! A move of this scale would not happen for at least 3 years if things were to get really serious.

I do know my boyfriend the last two years so he is not a total stranger to me but yes it would be hard to learn how to live with somebody again.

I was with the wrong person for the last 7 years. Its shocking the clarity that you see with when the right person comes along. And you know they are the right person when they force you to
re evaluate everything you thought not believed and stood for and more.

I am starting to learn and understand what the art of compromise is in a relationship. That's something i would never have entertained with my ex. Its scary but nice scary.

ash23

I did it. Moved away from family and friends, left jobs etc....all for a man whose career was "more important" than mine.

I didn't resent it.....until he left me and I realised I was stuck in a place where I had no support and no friends. And then, by god, did the resentment start.

I stayed put because my child was in school and I didn't want to disrupt her. I made an effort and made a life here and am happy out now,good set of friends, really good job, new man, happy child.....some of my family are even moving down nearer to me so that will be great.

So the resentment is gone.

In short, if you make a life for yourself and have a good life in the new place, you won't resent him. You'll be happy. When my ex and I split, I was resentful because I had a crap job, no money and no friends. But a lot of that was my own fault and my own lack of effort. My location was his fault but my life was my own

Belladance

I did it! I was with my guy for 7 months and I made the move to a different city, knowing only him and a couple of his friends. I had found myself a job in this new city before I moved though. Im still here 7 years later and have made some of the best friends here. Also, I have had a massive career change - went back to University as a mature student in this new city. I broke up with this guy only recently but I don't regret making the move as I have had the best 7 years of my life here. Find yourself a job first OP and do it! Take your time doing it, whats the rush? It could be the best decision of your life!

okiss

You have only been with the person a short period of time. You need to take things slowly. If you are planning to leave Dublin, your job and friends you need to know this man very well. You won't know anybody well in the space of a month so don't be in a rush to give up your job & to move.
Over the next few months I would spend as much time as possible together.
I would asked to met his friends and family as you will learn more about him, his values ect.
If thing are going well over the next few months I would pay off any debt you have and start to save money. These savings will help with move if you decide to do this.
I would chat about the house and where you want to live if you leave Dublin at a later time. He might want to live miles away from other people when you want to live in a town or village.

starrynightsky

Fiona - your post struck a cord with me because I'm in almost exactly the same boat right now. Been with new man 6 months and he's "just right" so things are moving fast/talk of future together etc. He has committments which means he needs to stay in the country (3.5 hours drive from Dublin). Meanwhile my career is centered completely on Dublin. I can't see any half-way comparable job I could get where he is. Even though I'm 32 I'm more or less only starting out career-wise as my field is hard to break in to. Moving to the country would mean taking a random job far removed from all my years of qualifications and, I'm not sure, plant flowers or something!! Part of me is ok with this, I love him and I've never met anyone like him. But the other part is pragmatic, and I worry about having nothing of "my own". I know Ireland is small, so what I'm doing is basically seeing how things go because I'm unable to make a decision as yet. The harsh reality is we both want children so I suppose time is ticking...I wish you well in your decisions!

Fiona

Oh interesting post! I understand what your saying about having something of your own. I feel that way myself but i feel like i could make my own things down there if that makes sense?

I know a couple of people from Cork through my car club so i wouldn't be totally isolated if i was to make the leap in a couple of years.

Thankfully kids are off the menu for us so i don't have to worry about that aspect of it. Its a really tough situation to be in and i don't envy you. Keep me updated please xx

Taltos

Hi OP

Pi/RI are for specific issues of a personal nature. If you just want feedback from others who may have been or are in a similar situation then maybe think about trying out some of our other forums - eg The Ladies Lounge, The Gentleman's Club or Humanities (probably your best bet).

Wishing you all the best though
Taltos