Reading your teen's diary...

LadyMayBelle

This is an issue that's come up for a friend of mine and I'd love opinions and experiences on it! My mother read my diary when I was about 13 and to this day I still hold a little bit of 'how could you!!' inside me..ok, not as bad as I did at the time

If her daughter's diary is 'accessible', she will have a read. Says she doesn't snoop for it. Daughter is now 14. Has been doing this since she was 11. Daughter completly unaware. Usual stuff like boys, friendship issues and more recently 'I hate how I look', some stuff about feeling so ugly, 'wishing boys liked me' etc

Pretty ok relationship as far as she is concerned with her daughter, have good times and talk about boys and feeling low with Mum. Mum says she reads it because she 'wouldnt know half the stuff that's going on otherwise'.

What ye think? Invasion of privacy and denial of human right or something acceptable for a concerned parent? It also throws up the idea of accessing their facebook/blackberry if they accidently stay logged on...

The Lovely Muffin

Invasion of privacy most definitely, her daughter may only be 14, but still is entitled to privacy just as much as anyone else.

If the mother was 14 again and kept a diary and her mum read it, how would she feel?

Personally, I never kept a diary cos I could never trust my mother NOT to read it. If I left my FB/Boards etc logged in, given half a chance she'd go through them.

If she was worried her daughter was having unprotected sex, involved with drugs, crimes, depression, suicide etc, then I can understand her snooping, but what her daughter is writing into the diary is typical teenage stuff, nothing to be overly worried about.

Neyite

Your friend can dress it up however she likes, its being nosy. If her daughter exhibited behaviour that concerned her such as suspicion that she is taking drugs or something, then maybe it could be justified, but thats not the case here, just nosiness.

It reads like the diary of a normal 14 year old girl, and at that point your friend should have stopped reading.

echo beach

LadyMayBelle wrote: »

Mum says she reads it because she 'wouldnt know half the stuff that's going on otherwise'.
...

She still doesn't know half the stuff that's going on. Unless her daughter is a very innocent 14 year old she hasn't been leaving something very personal lying around where her mother can see it for the last 3 years. I'd say it is a very selective version that gets written down.
As a teenager I wrote in a code only I knew, e.g 'went for a walk' meant something else entirely. Sadly I didn't write down the code and have of course forgotten it so despite keeping a diary for years I have no idea what it was I was actually doing!:)

LadyMayBelle

echo beach wrote: »

She still doesn't know half the stuff that's going on. Unless her daughter is a very innocent 14 year old she hasn't been leaving something very personal lying around where her mother can see it for the last 3 years. I'd say it is a very selective version that gets written down.
As a teenager I wrote in a code only I knew, e.g 'went for a walk' meant something else entirely. Sadly I didn't write down the code and have of course forgotten it so despite keeping a diary for years I have no idea what it was I was actually doing!:)

Ha, I had a code too! I would leave messages too saying 'If you read this please know it is a complete invasion of my privacy and I'm so disappointed in you!'..bizarre!

I agree it is an invasion but it's been difficult to encourage my friend to think otherwise; I have tried getting her to think about what would happen if her daughter found out..that wedge between them would be huge! Major trust issues! In my professional practice I would tell the parents to stop, but it's harder with a friend who insists they are doing the right thing! Just wanted people comments on it as it's interesting.

eviltwin

Never ever would I read my teenagers private things, what a massive breech of trust. I don't think any teenager with an ounce of cop on is going to write anything in a diary that could incriminate them anyway

echo beach

LadyMayBelle wrote: »

In my professional practice I would tell the parents to stop, but it's harder with a friend who insists they are doing the right thing!

You can't tell your friend what to do. You can tell her what you think she should do but she'll do whatever she wants to anyway.
You've warned her. There is nothing else you can do. If you've had the discussion once make a point of not having it again.

Ellsbells

I dont agree. I think parents need to be on top of what the kids are up to these days. Those kids on tv drinking and having sex at 13 are someones child and everyone thinks not theirs...

Our generation were very different to most teenagers now especially as we did not have access to internet and mobile phones. I would read it.

echo beach

The kids who are drinking and having sex aren't writing about it in diaries.

LadyMayBelle

echo beach wrote: »

The kids who are drinking and having sex aren't writing about it in diaries.

That's a very generalised statement!
Some will, some wont.

Ellsbells

echo beach wrote: »

The kids who are drinking and having sex aren't writing about it in diaries.

Really?

They will be talking to their friends about it and at that age facebook and phones should not be out of bounds either.

The Big Red Button

A close childhood friend of mine has always kept diaries.

When she was around 14/15, she had a really bad fight with her mum - not about anything crazy, just normal stuff - and afterwards, she went up to her room, and ranted about her mum in her diary. From what she's told me, it was fairly viscious stuff that she wrote right then - but it was her diary, her way of venting, and releasing the anger, and getting past the fight.

When she left the house that day, her mother searched her room, found that diary, and was extremely upset by what had been written. And, while they're on talking terms now, their relationship has never recovered.

A diary is like the inside of someone's brain. What we think about someone or something, in a moment of anger or hurt or pain, is not necessarily how we feel, at all!!! But, I can see how writing it down on paper would be therapeutic.

By reading someone's diary (someone of any age), you are intruding into their inner headspace, the place that should not be accessible to anyone. It's completely wrong and unfair. You're violating any sense of trust they may have thought they had in you.

The idea of Facebook has also been mentioned. I have an 11 year old sister who I'm sort of like a mother to. She has a Facebook account, and I'm not happy about her having it. But, I asked her for her account password, when she set it up, and she gave it to me no problem. I have only ever used it once, when their was some school-related trouble about a photo she'd put up - BUT, I asked her for permission, first, to use it, to see what was going on. And, I didn't delete the photo (it wasn't contraversial in itself, but her friends' comments on it were) - I asked her to delete it herself, and explained to her why, and she was happy to do so.

It's a mutual trust thing - I have explained to her in detail how to be responsible online (and that includes allowing family members have her log-in details, at least until she's older.) In return, she knows well that I would never, ever, randomly log in to snoop at her e-mails etc. She's entitled to her privacy.

In my opinion, everyone, of any age, should really be allowed their own space and their own privacy.

echo beach

There is no comparison between Facebook and a diary. Facebook is intended for others to see, and anybody who puts something on Facebook that they don't want their mother/partner/employer to see is just plain stupid.
A diary is intended to be private.

Gumbi

echo beach wrote: »

There is no comparison between Facebook and a diary. Facebook is intended for others to see, and anybody who puts something on Facebook that they don't want their mother/partner/employer to see is just plain stupid.
A diary is intended to be private.

Facebook can be made somewhat private too. There are many comparisons.

Daisy M

Chatterpillar if your friends relationship with her mother has never recovered from what a 14/15 year old wrote in her diary it says very little about that mother, I would doubt that it would ever be possible to have a decent relationship with someone who holds things against a child.

I would only be tempted to read my childs diary if I thought there was something major wrong in their life, it would be a last resort and not something I would ever want to do.