Needs advice

Ommc

Hi I'm 23 years old and new to this thing, I'm choosing this as I really don't know where else to go.

Me and my partner are together 4 years now and have a son who's 2,

Befor I found out I was pregnant we never argued, on the same week I found out I was pregnant I also got a private mail message on fb from annonmous saying that my bd had cheated on me while I wa on holiday. He denied it and after a few weeks And scared of bein by my self with an unplanned pregnancy I decided to believe him

From here we moved in together, he worked early mornings and not back to late at night normally around 8 but then most nights he wouldn't of came straight home but instead go to the pub for a couple of hours. At this time I was unemployed so spent most of the time sitting in by my self with friends who had deserted me cause I was pregnant ( these r no longer in my life). As annoyed as I was I never said anything as I thought it was just hormons

Which led to a hungover man in the deliver room and a man having to leave early of each days visiting time to go to the pub. Still I said nothing

6 weeks later he came back from the pub in the afternoon this time unable to stand he had corned me telling me I was unless lucky enough his ather has have him a lift so he was der to take him away again. He came back that evening after more drink stubbing around at this stage I was scared but his sister came to take him away

It's two years on and we still have this going on... We were on holiday recently and everyone else went out and I stayed in to watch our kid. Only to be woken up by a drunk giving out for putting the chain on the door ( it was a rough hotel and I was quite scared hence the chain) this made him flare up he started telling me I was a terrible mother and he was leaving he pushed me up against the wall and hurt my arm, at this point I was scared ad angry and I felt this fire in my stomach so I started to push back

We have tried to talk about it but we keep ended up back in the same situation

My bf is great and I know he's trying to change he stopped goin to the pub after work, and now only goes out once a week

But when there's drink involved I'm still scared and normally ends up in me not being able to sleep

My question is

1) am I being silly and is this normal

2) I work part time and pay Hal to all the bills, but is it a woman's way to stay in the house, like my bf may go out to the pub once a week an not home till 2 an out to a night club once every couple of months but I only go our maybe once every couple of months and don't see anyone in between this time. And when I do go out I feel like its held against me so if I went out tonight then he would have to get all day on the beer the following dy but when he goes out he gets to sleep all day

Again is this normal?

Can anyone help me cause this is constantly on my mind

P. Breathnach

No, this is not a normal situation. More important, it is not acceptable.

It looks to me as if your boyfriend wants to have all the freedom of a single man, and none of the responsibilities of being a parent to your child or a partner to you. It also looks as if he does not to allow you any freedom. In order to get what he wants, he is willing to bully you in a very aggressive way, going towards violence.

Sorry to be so blunt: I don't think you should stay in this situation. Have you somewhere to go? Would your parents take you in until you can get sorted?

a fat guy

You have become the victim of this assholes bullying and immaturity.

I know it would be ideal for him to gain some sort of empathy, but I severely doubt that he's ever going to cop on if he hasn't since getting a kid and being committed to a long-term relationship.

I'm sorry, but you really should get rid of him. It has to be done, no matter how hard or harsh this may seem.

Ommc

Thanks for showing interest guys

As u can tell its not just me that's walking out but it's me and our son, and I know that he's a great father and our son Is defo a daddy's boy

I feel like I'm all questions, but Could it be me? like I know ive become very controlling and I'd say I keep him back from a lot of things he wants to do, but I'm still stricter on my self

As I've said I've tried talking to him about it and sugguesting counciling but I just get a reply of this isnt one of your tv program's now

I have always a place to stay at my mums home but when there's a kid involved I wana make sure if I leave that later down the rd I'll not be thinking i could of done this...

And if I do move on and out, it's not like the step father has any obligation to sit in when I can't go out nor want to go out when my sons in bed.. Could I be looking at worse possibilities

LegacyUser

I am sorry OP from reading your first post he seems that he wants the single life. What do you mean that you are controlling? And you hold him back? Also who goes out and drinks almost everyday after work when there is a child at home? If this is your only issue I do not thing it is being strict, it's common sense. Most people grow out of that phase well before having children. Now he has a son he needs to grow up and be responsible now, end of. It takes two to have a child, all the responsibility should not be fallen on your shoulders, he too needs to take part.

If you think this relationship is worth saving you need to have a heart to heart with him. I would suggest the counselling and tell him why. His behaviour is INEXCUSABLE. Violence is not accepted; drunk or not! That is no way to behave. Speak to him about his behaviour and how it is affecting you and your son. If he is unwilling to change this and continues on he has no choice. You both get out. If you are serious about this maybe he will wake up and smell the coffee. I don't think it's an environment for anyone including your son. How is your son going to react watching his father behave the way he does to his mother? Not a very good message to be sending to your child.

Right now your concern is about you and the child not about night outs and possible step father. You are looking way into the future without even considering what is happening in the present. If you have to leave, leave! If he is a good father as you say he his I am sure you will allow him access and nights with him therefore giving you some free time and him a responsible parent.

P. Breathnach

You say that you have become very controlling, but I don't see that in what you have told us. What sort of things are you keeping him from doing? Do you mean nights out with his mates in the pub? Or are you so upset at the moment that you are not managing to tell us how you are contributing to the difficulties in your relationship?

His refusal to consider counselling is a bad sign. More and more you make him seem like a bully.

You have said two positive things about him:

My bf is great

he's a great father and our son Is defo a daddy's boy

but you have told us a number of ways in which he treats you badly, and nothing about his treating you well.

I could be wrong in what I say next, but don't rush to disagree with me until you have thought about it:
- it looks to me as if he is treating you with no respect;
- it also looks to me as if you have become used to it, and are not really able to stand up for yourself;
- you are even wondering if it's your fault that you are being treated badly.

That's the classic pattern of an abusive relationship. Abusive relationships are very difficult to fix. They are also very difficult to escape from, because the victim (that's you, not him) feels powerless.

You need to empower yourself, to feel that you have some control over your life. That's very difficult to do when you are still with him, and you probably need help. Even if he won't agree to counselling, if you find the right counsellor for yourself, it might be helpful to you.

I still think you would be better off moving out while you try to take control of your life.

Now that you are discussing your difficulties, please don't stop.

Ham Sambo

Hi. You poor thing, how you have put up this little bully for so long is anybody’s guess, this guy would appear to think that he is still single with no responsibilities, he also sound very immature and very very self centred and selfish, sit down and talk to him and if he can’t or won’t change his ways then why stay in a relationship because of your son, nobody wins if this happens, good luck.

LegacyUser

op i know you say your bf is a great dad and your little boy is a daddy's boy, but think about that for a second. your little boy is going to grow up in a household where it's acceptable for daddy to treat mummy with zero respect, go the pub and come home drunk, and push and shove and bully mummy whenever he wants. he's going to grow up thinking that's normal. which it most certainly isn't.

whatever you do is ultimately your decision to make. but think about whether you want that life for your son, and if you don't, you either need to make your bf see that things need to change, or leave.

Ommc

Thanks again guys

Positive things about him is he is my best frien I tell him everything, he doesn't go out and buy presents out of the blue or anything but I think we're by that stage plus he knows I'm a firm believer in if u want something u work hard to get it. Dates we rarely go on but that's more on babysitter issues ( I choose to work and along wit crèche I have to call in favored from family to help babysit, therefor I hate asking when it's to go out)

I've become quite controlling and again it's about drink, he went out for a work mettin the other night which took 10 mins but instead came bck 2 1/2 hours later after the pub. He says I'm just over reacting ? And u often hear about relationships in struggle over this?

Thanks to the last comment I often think of my son and realiSe that he is at the age that he knows what's happening around him.. Hence the more weight on my mind. I've often thought I don't want him to grow up like this but never thought that he coul in turn grow up doing the same

P. Breathnach

Hi again.

It's starting to look to me as if your problems are centered on his drinking, and it looks to me as if when he drinks, he becomes a very nasty drunk. Is that right?

How about when he refused to consider counselling? Was that in a sober calm conversation, or was that drink speaking?

Ommc

That was sober,

LegacyUser

hi op. i didn't mean that by watching his dad treat you with a lack of respect he might turn out the same. of course, he might. but equally he might not.

what i was getting at is that childhood experience can have much deeper effects on a child than simply mimicking the behaviour they see. self confidence, self esteem, feelings of security, feelings of safety and lots of other things come from a happy home life. your home life doesn't sound like that kind of environment at the moment.

i don't think your bf should be 'popping out for ten minutes' and coming home a few hours later from the pub without a cursory text or phonecall is acceptable, specially if it's an ongoing thing, but i do think he's got you convinced that any objection from you is nagging. and that's the behaviour of someone with control issues. couple that with the drinking, the immaturity, the unwillingness to work on your relationship - that doesn't sound like the kind of situation i personally could stay in, sorry.