Delinquent family member

LegacyUser

My sister was arrested for shop lifting yesterday. She is 17 and just finished her leaving cert. She wanted to move out of home so my parents rented her a flat where she's been living for about a month now, they give her money every week to live off too because she doesn't work.

She has been caught doing something similar before, at a family function she decided to help herself to some really expensive make up from a friend of the family's handbag.

When she was brought home from the garda station she pulled the whole tears routine, claiming to be an idiot and that it was her first time and she was led astray by her housemate. She did all that in such a convincing way that my parents bought every bit of it. Who knows, most of it could be true, I don't buy it tho. She would have to be pretty thick to get caught the only two times she's ever attempted stuff like that, so I reckon it's not an uncommon thing for her to do.

Her housemate wasn't caught stealing anything and the housemates parents believe the girl to be totally innocent. So my parents decide to totally ignore what their child did and start complaining about how it's unfair the other child didn't get in any trouble with the guards and how her parents are idiots and that sort of thing. I was just sitting there the entire time cringing at the hypocrisy of it all.

Don't get me wrong I do believe the housemate was involved, I think she was just clever enough to let my sister do most of the thieving while she waited outside 'keeping watch'. That's irrelevant tho, my parents should have punished my sister regardless of the housemates actions.

She's always been trouble, she had a terrible name in school for being a slapper and is always getting caught texting lads that are much older than her.

I have no idea what to do. I've been thinking I could let her move in with me, I have a spare room. I could make her get a job and maker her pay rent in the hopes that it teaches her some responsibility and maybe make her grow up a bit. I have no idea if I'm biting of more than I can chew tho if I do that, I'm very worried she'll do all sorts of stupid things and take advantage of my hospitality by throwing house parties when I'm not there and that sort of thing.

My parents are such bad role models, their idea of good parenting is to lie to her about the repercussions of what she did in order to scare her. The guards just let her off with a warning, but my parents are filling her full of crap about court and social workers. I really don't think lying to her is going to help, she will figure it out eventually when none of the stuff they mentioned actually happens. I think if she stays there nothing will change and she will just continue to be a spoilt, immature delinquent.

Any advice would be appreciated.

daisybelle2008

I would stay a million miles out of it. Under no circumstances would I make a wild 17 year old my 'fix up project'.
You are already complaining about her behaviour, your parents handling of the situation, the other parents etc. etc. You already have a lot of negative judgements, opinions and attitude towards her and your parents. You are only going to get more frustrated and annoyed if you take responsibility for her.
What hospitality are you talking about her taking advantage of: You are not exactly offering her a house guest opportunity?. You are inviting an opportunity to go head to head with a strong willed, trouble making kid. Welcome to hell!!
Of course she is going to have house parties and do stupid things when you are not there! Why would you invite that hassle on yourself when your parents are already doing things their way.
Now you want to move her into your house and try to force her to live her life the way you see fit. Jesus wild horses would be easier to handle. Thank God every minute that she is not your responsibility and let your parents handle her the way they see fit.
Mind your own business on this one. Let her figure out her own path and learn about life and responsibility whenever, don't make it your issue unless you like to be a stressed out miserable thankless martyr.

Sleepy

UnsureWhatToDo wrote: »

She is 17 and just finished her leaving cert. She wanted to move out of home so my parents rented her a flat where she's been living for about a month now, they give her money every week to live off too because she doesn't work.

Here's the problem: your parents are clearly spoiling her.

she is spoilt. unbelievably spoilt. who pays for their 17 year old to go 'play house'?

she has no value on money, she doesnt need to obviously.

anyway, this is not your problem. i would stay well out of it. do not under any circumstances bring her to live with you!! are you crazy???
you will not change her behaviour. she probably already thinks your a mug, working, paying rent, bills etc. she doesnt need to!!

if your parents are blind to their little angels behaviour and cant see what they are doing to her, than thats their problem. im sure she will eventually do something that will end up in a huge shock/dissappointment to them, but not to sound harsh, thats their look out!!

i wouldnt get involved OP, seriously, why bring a world of hassle into your life??

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

I would stay a million miles out of it. Under no circumstances would I make a wild 17 year old my 'fix up project'.
You are already complaining about her behaviour, your parents handling of the situation, the other parents etc. etc. You already have a lot of negative judgements, opinions and attitude towards her and your parents. You are only going to get more frustrated and annoyed if you take responsibility for her.
What hospitality are you talking about her taking advantage of: You are not exactly offering her a house guest opportunity?. You are inviting an opportunity to go head to head with a strong willed, trouble making kid. Welcome to hell!!
Of course she is going to have house parties and do stupid things when you are not there! Why would you invite that hassle on yourself when your parents are already doing things their way.
Now you want to move her into your house and try to force her to live her life the way you see fit. Jesus wild horses would be easier to handle. Thank God every minute that she is not your responsibility and let your parents handle her the way they see fit.
Mind your own business on this one. Let her figure out her own path and learn about life and responsibility whenever, don't make it your issue unless you like to be a stressed out miserable thankless martyr.

You seem to have picked me up wrong on a couple of things.

I actually get on well with and like my sister. She just does really stupid things at times. She stays over at my house regularly and there is no issue, I'm just worried that it will be a totally different ball game if she moves in. I'm not trying to make her my 'fix up project'. I would like to see her in an environment that's likely to help her grow out of the attention seeking thing she has going on. She does not have that where she is now while under the thumb of my passive aggressive mother who likes to brush things under the carpet and forget about them. I'm not trying to become a parent figure for her, just offer her an environment where she can act and be treated like a grown up.

I am not currently at all frustrated or annoyed, just worried. Nothing will change for her where she is now. There isn't a hope of my parents letting her move out on her own again and they are talking about not letting her go to college in September for fear of what she might get up too. She is on a bad road at the moment and if nothing changes I fear she will just continue down that road.

I will be riddled with guilt if in a year or two she ends up on drugs, pregnant or locked up knowing there is a chance I could have made a difference to her.

Maybe I'm looking at it wrong, maybe her being confined to my parents house is just what she needs. I don't know. I guess I've already made my mind up that I'd be willing to let her move in and I dont' really think she will give me that much trouble. I'm just not sure if that really would be the best thing for her.

daisybelle2008

UnsureWhatToDo wrote: »

I guess I've already made my mind up that I'd be willing to let her move in and I dont' really think she will give me that much trouble. I'm just not sure if that really would be the best thing for her.

UnsureWhatToDo wrote: »

I have no idea if I'm biting of more than I can chew tho if I do that, I'm very worried she'll do all sorts of stupid things and take advantage of my hospitality by throwing house parties when I'm not there and that sort of thing.

OP it is really up to you to do what you see fit. I would advise don't rush into anything. You are a bit close ot the situation to be objective. You are contradicting yourself on what you think will happen if she moves in. In your first post you say you are really worried she will act up and then you say that you are sure she won't in your second and you are not even sure if it is the right thing for her.

You really don't know what will happen, to be honest I would not do it and would not see it as doing my best for her, she will find her own path, I would be there if needed but only when asked by her. I would need to be unconflicted about it. But it might work for you all, but go in with your eyes open don't blame her or your parents if it goes tits up.

Neyite

UnsureWhatToDo wrote: »

You seem to have picked me up wrong on a couple of things.

I actually get on well with and like my sister. She just does really stupid things at times. She stays over at my house regularly and there is no issue, I'm just worried that it will be a totally different ball game if she moves in. I'm not trying to make her my 'fix up project'. I would like to see her in an environment that's likely to help her grow out of the attention seeking thing she has going on. She does not have that where she is now while under the thumb of my passive aggressive mother who likes to brush things under the carpet and forget about them. I'm not trying to become a parent figure for her, just offer her an environment where she can act and be treated like a grown up.

I am not currently at all frustrated or annoyed, just worried. Nothing will change for her where she is now. There isn't a hope of my parents letting her move out on her own again and they are talking about not letting her go to college in September for fear of what she might get up too. She is on a bad road at the moment and if nothing changes I fear she will just continue down that road.

I will be riddled with guilt if in a year or two she ends up on drugs, pregnant or locked up knowing there is a chance I could have made a difference to her.

Maybe I'm looking at it wrong, maybe her being confined to my parents house is just what she needs. I don't know. I guess I've already made my mind up that I'd be willing to let her move in and I dont' really think she will give me that much trouble. I'm just not sure if that really would be the best thing for her.

May I ask why you think she would respect your personal boundaries, when she respects nobody elses? Your parents, your relative she stole from, etc. You do know that your possessions, and money will be fair game. She helps herself to other peoples stuff. That is not something that just a teen trait. Most people dont do that because they know it is wrong.
She simply has no regard for anyone bar herself at the moment.

I admire that you want to help her, but does she want to be helped? She wants freedom, yet cannot be a responsible person when she gets it. You cant stop her from sleeping with men if thats what she wants to do, or stop stealing when she sees something she wants, no more than your parents can. I take it you work? if so, then you cannot watch her 24/7


The other worry I would have is if she did get caught commiting a crime or get pregnant while on "your watch" your parents may be only too delighted to blame you for the situation, since they seem to be incapable of holding your sister responsible for her own messes.

For this last reason alone, I would not personally take responsibility but find other ways to help her - find her employment, guide her towards a qualification, mentor her, spend quality time with her and become close so she has a non judgemental person in her corner who can give her good advise when she needs it.

thefeatheredcat

Staying at someone else's house for a night or two is a very different situation from them being there 24/7 permanently and it being regarded as their home.

As it stands you have created a boundary that she's a guest and it's temporary. If she is to settle there permanently she might resent not being able to do things that would suit her but would not suit you and that you would see as a potential problem or disapprove of. She would see it as her home and to do what she likes while currently she is only ever a temporary guest. And you need to take into consideration that your own perception of your sister might alter in a permanent living situation together which could damage things between you.

I think you probably could do more for her by allowing her to stay over as a guest; it could be a refuge to her and maybe it would be easier for her to see you as someone to go to for space in trouble, to go to looking for help or advice as and when she needs rather than it turning into her regarding you as parent no 3 by taking responsibility for her which could diminish the good relationship you have between you.

Have you considered talking to any agencies/organisations that help youths for any advice on what you can do? They might be able to give some really good advice on how you can offer support to her and also might provide a few avenues of help for both of you if she should get into trouble (or rather, a positive influence to help keep her away from trouble and negative influences and people) or what sort of options she has if going to college isn't an option and work is hard to come by.