Soccer vs. Girlfriend

LegacyUser

I cant be the only person who has had this problem so I'm hoping someone has some advice to deal with it...

Im 31. I play soccer and have done since I was 8 years old. I'm pretty committed, I don't drink before matches and i don't like to miss training.

I love being part of a team and I love the sense of achievement. I love the camaraderie and the banter and all that.

I met my current Girlfriend a year ago online. My profile stated from the off how important soccer has been and continues to be to me. I know im going to spend the rest of my life with this woman as i love her very much but the soccer is causing a problem now, in that pre-season starts soon which means training twice a week and then matches on sunday mornings will start in September.

She is p1ssed that im going to be gone for an hour or so twice a week and then for a few hours on a sunday morning...

My argument is we live together do everything together and I think its healthy that i have my own thing..its not going to be for the rest of my life as, as i said im 31, so i wont be playing for years and years.

Anyone have any idea how to make her understand my point of view as anything I say is falling on deaf ears...

Podgers

I take it your girlfriend wouldn't have any hobbies as such herself?

your right you do need to do your own thing and have time to yourself, living in each others pockets isn't good at all. the only problem i would see is every Sunday morning, does that effect weekends away as such? how long does it last in the year?

eyescreamcone

Soccer is every weekend from late august to late may.
No ski holidays or weekends away unless there is an unexpected break (bad weather or a funeral).
It could be worse - you could've been in the Volvo Ocean Race - then you'd be gone for 9 months

stargazer 68

football issue wrote: »

in that pre-season starts soon which means training twice a week and then matches on sunday mornings will start in September.

She is p1ssed that im going to be gone for an hour or so twice a week and then for a few hours on a sunday morning...

...

Of course its healthy to have your own interests and I would be all for that however - training twice a week is not an hour or so twice a week!! Realistically how long is the training and then the Sunday morning game? Do you play Sat morning too -the odd time? Out of season do you play at all?

Getting her to see your point of view is falling on deaf ears but do you see hers?

ash23

I don't see anything wrong with you are saying.

But I will ask, do you also follow soccer? Like, on top of playing, do you also watch matches, support a team etc. Because that can put another number of hours that you are "absent" per week.

I know guys who play soccer but who also watch every match, all the soccer and sports shows, highlights at night etc.

If it's just playing then she should be ok with you having a few hours a week to spend on your own interests. However, if you are a soccer bore then she may have a point.

LittleBook

football issue wrote: »

My argument is we live together do everything together and I think its healthy that i have my own thing..its not going to be for the rest of my life as, as i said im 31, so i wont be playing for years and years

She is p1ssed that im going to be gone for an hour or so twice a week and then for a few hours on a sunday morning

Personally I think your argument is sound. You've made it clear from the outset how much you love football, does she honestly expect you to just give it up because you're living with her now ... and when you've only a few years left to do it?

What's worrying to me is that this is her first season living with you so she has no experience of this part of your life yet, but she's complaining before it even starts.

LegacyUser

I could maybe see the issue with matches every weekend if you wanted to go away somewhere or something but two days a week for training when you live together I'm not seeing what the issue is - do you go out after training and come drunk? Is she expecting you two to sit in every evening during the week together or is she looking to do something else together on those evenings? Has she no life of her own?

Are you expecting her to come to every match and shout for you? Do you talk never ending about training and up coming games when your alone together? Do you watch every match on tv? Do you go out socially with your teammates outside of matches/training? Is your house covered in soccer stuff - clothes, balls, dvds, books, statues?

My own position would be you both need to have interests and hobbies otherwise you'd just go cracked. My dad was in the FCA for years before meeting my mum so it's was very important to him and my whole childhood he was gone one evening a week to meetings and then most weekends and one full week during the summer but on the flip side my mum was very into her golf and come the summer that was every weekend gone for that but we still had plenty of family time and they made time for just each other as well. So if you can be honest about answering some of the questions above and if you really feel you've got a balance between relationship and pastimes then tell her to go get a hobby of her own. But if maybe your a little more into the sport then you realized maybe have a chat to her about setting aside definite couple only time.

LegacyUser

OP, your GF is being very unreasonable. It's good for you to have such an interest, it's good for couples to have their own time away from each other.

Does your GF want you to give up your interest purely to spend time with her? If so, that's not healthy.

Let her get a dog, for walks, if she has a hole to fill, or why doesn't she take up classes when you're training, or go to watch you play when you have matches?


I don't like to hear of such negative tendencies in a relationship, it's not good to hear one party want to clamp down on the other. There's room for it all in your relationship she shouldn't be trying to cut it out. You'll be old enough, long enough, when you cannot play sports. Enjoy it while you can.

LegacyUser

OP here thanks for the replies...

No I don't go out after training ever...
After matches herself and I normally go for dinner to her family or mine so its not like im getting hammered every Sunday with the lads. The main argument is the Saturday night thing where she may want to go out I wont drink so I don't want to go to a pub or that....That said there have been nights where i went out and didn't drink.

I don't demand to watch matches on weekends or during the week. I would prefer to go cinema or whatever.

I think the crux of the problem is that she doesn't have a hobby or something she does away from me...

Piliger

It's simple OP - she knew what you are and what you do when she signed on. Trying to change you is not on and you need to take a stand. She has no grounds to complain whatsoever and in my view this is the early signs of someone who is intent (perhaps unconsciously) to mould you into the man she really wants and not who you are.

LegacyUser

I don't have any major interest in watching football..I wont go out of my way to watch a match unless its a final or so on.

I don't really socialize with my teammates apart from and end of season thing which is a few drinks in bar 1 night and maybe the odd event which i will have spoke to her about long in advance.

After training's i come home and we spend the rest of the evening together..
After matches we generally go one of our families for dinner and maybe the two of us then go for a few drinks in the evening.

I'd much prefer to go to the cinema than sit and watch a football match

I think the crux of the problem is that she doesn't have a hobby or something she does away from me
And I'm at the stage now where i almost feel guilty for playing(but that's my own issue)

Kidchameleon

There's no way she should be saying this to you. What next? You cant go out with friends? Cant go to the stag night? She sounds very insecure.

DB21

Try and get her involved in something that's on when your football is. Yoga or something like that will keep her mind off you.

moco

I'm in a similar situation but I'm the girl. My fella has hurling training twice a week, then a match at the weekend. It doesn't bother me really other than we can't plan any weekends away for most of the summer which can be frustrating when the weather is nice and everyone else is heading off. Apart from that I don't mind the training in the evenings cos I can have the tv to myself and make myself nice things for dinner that he wouldn't eat.

I don't think your gf has a right to be trying to make u give up football when she knew about it from the start. Try and see it from her point of view too though on the weekends away. If there's something she really wants to do or somewhere she wants to go as a one-off, maybe u could miss a match or a training session.

Piliger

football issue wrote: »

And I'm at the stage now where i almost feel guilty for playing(but that's my own issue)

I don't want to be too negative against her ... but this is not you. It is manipulation. It's as old as the hills.


Kidchameleon - is on the money above, and the tough thing is, when we are in a relationship that is happy in every other respect we have a tendency to sacrifice and compromise on these core activities early on. But before we know it we have lost something precious and we have lost more things along the way too. We are so reluctant sometimes to take a stand and be unpopular.

W86indow

I drop my man to soccer and pick him up twice a week
no bother he needs this it keeps him happy and one of us has to have a hobby

we live together also ,, and we go out from time to time , its healthy he plays and i love to help out

she should put up with it.... im sorry like , men are men thats it , they do man things .

but at the same time a romantic night in for 2 or out and flowers always a great thing and small presents ... actually big presents lols. but in no way should he stop the soccer , the enjoyment he gets out of that , and if you get in your mans way of being happy , good luck to ya

he will resent her if she cuts the soccer out !

Boskowski

It depends what level you play at but I take it you're not semi-pro or something and you're 31 that means it's a hobby. You may take your hobby seriously and rightly so, but it's a hobby nonetheless.

Now if I was you - and just a few years ago I was - I'd just be reasonable about it and expect her to be reasonable about it too.

Means I'm not going on the tear the night before match day and I'm probably not going on the tear all that often to begin with. Thats what I do, I'm a sporty guy. Means I'm going to do the training and pre-season possibly even 4 times a week. Means I'm working to get/stay into the starting 11 and I'm not going to miss a Sunday just because she feels like having a lie in or wants to do a beach walk together.

But it also means I'm not going to be a total freak about it. If a holiday happens to happen during the season, so be it. The team will be alright for two matches without you. There will be other guys on your team going on holidays too.
If you're invited to a wedding on a Saturday night you will just have a few, let the girlfriend enjoy herself and only have 4 or 5 hours of sleep before the match. So what, you're not going to be total crap in the match because of it. I played my best matches being a bit wobbly at the start.
But you're not going to miss the wedding and generally speaking go out on Friday nights if you want to have a night out with a couple of more drinks.

What is a concern is that you're saying 'she's pissed about it'. How pissed is she? If she was seriously pissed that would raise alarm bells with me. What if you are going to have a child? Will you be allowed to leave the house at all?
Relationships are full of compromise and give and take and partners influence each other, but controlling my hobbies and interests is just that - controlling. It's not as if you're studying a satanic cult 5 for hours every day or something. You're playing soccer for a few hours every week which is a healthy activity, keeps you fit and trim and simply is part of who you are.

Summary: No way would I give it up and I would resist attempts to 'eat into it slowly' but I wouldn't be totally religious about it either. I would go to her uncles dads funeral on a Sunday morning. Well, I'm making a little fun of it now, but you know what I mean.

Beruthiel

football issue wrote: »

pre-season starts soon which means training twice a week and then matches on sunday mornings will start in September.

She is p1ssed that im going to be gone for an hour or so twice a week and then for a few hours on a sunday morning...

If that is all you do, then she needs to take a chill pill.

Now, I can get that perhaps there are some weekends when she might be pissed, especially if she wanted to go away somewhere.
How long is the season and does it prevent you from doing anything at the weekend for a considerable amount of time?

My argument is we live together do everything together and I think its healthy that i have my own thing..

Not only is it healthy, it's something that people in a couple should do if possible.
Living in each others pockets 24/7 is a recipe for disaster.
If she cannot find a way to amuse herself during this time, that's not your problem, it's hers.
There's a complete lack of imagination in someone who cannot entertain themselves imo.
There is so much in this life to explore and learn. If you lived for a 1,000 years you couldn't cover it all.

Anyone have any idea how to make her understand my point of view as anything I say is falling on deaf ears...

Well, were it me, I'd be pointing out that you are doing something to keep you fit and healthy.
It is something that helps to enrich your life and make you feel good and happy.
She reaps the benefits of that.
That you expect her to encourage you in this and that she knew what she was getting into when ye met.

username123

Its the set in stone matches on a sunday morning that are the issue Id imagine - from late August to late May.

What is your attitude about socialising on a saturday night? I mean, if you want to not drink thats your business, but are you still willing to go out or is she expected to go to every invite that extends to both of you alone? Or is she expected not to go because you dont want to? That would annoy me if you were refusing to go to anything. Or if you were insisting we leave everything early. How tied up are your social lives? Does she have friends she goes out with without you? Or is her social life being totally curtailed by your hobby? I mean, sure, its nice to go out with friends, but its also nice to go out with your partner. Do you go out with her on other nights than saturday to make up for it? Because if you never ever go out and socialise at all from late August to late May then thats not that normal.

Then there is not being able to go away for a weekend or a holiday. From late August to late May? What about attending a wedding or a weeks holiday?

It depends your rigidity. Give and take is always a good thing. If you are being painfully rigid on this then I can see how it is annoying. My husband spends more time at the gym than you do training, but if I need him for something he can go later or earlier, or miss a day if necessary. Its not cast in stone that it happens at this time, every week, and nothing is allowed happen to change that.

I agree with Boskowski - dont be a total freak about it. Give and take.

HowItIs

Everyone's said it already OP. But I'll say it again jsut for good measure

Your gf is being pretty selfish and tbh seeing as how she entered into this relationship knowing your love of soccer wtf is her problem all of a sudden?

Fiona

That's a shame that she does't share your hobby.

My boyfriend is into motorsport and I attended my first event at the weekend and had the best craic ever can't wait for the next one.

Is there a way that you can get her involved in the team, make her feel like she is needed and that might change her tune?

Maybe organise a mini bus to a match and then she might feel a sense of achievement that she did something for the team

LegacyUser

Just to agree with a lot of others here.

It's a problem which I see often but it's totally ridiculous. She needs to get involved in something to entertain herself. Why can't she come along to the matches or spend the time doing something else?

It's only training and some games. I mean, it's not the end of the world if you have a holiday planned ahead and missed a game here or there but in fairness, wanting you to stop it outright is just mad. Ye already live together and sounds like ye do most things together. She needs to cop on or you can see where this is going in the future.

eyescreamcone

beentherebefore wrote: »

Just to agree with a lot of others here.

It's a problem which I see often but it's totally ridiculous. She needs to get involved in something to entertain herself. Why can't she come along to the matches or spend the time doing something else?

It's only training and some games. I mean, it's not the end of the world if you have a holiday planned ahead and missed a game here or there but in fairness, wanting you to stop it outright is just mad. Ye already live together and sounds like ye do most things together. She needs to cop on or you can see where this is going in the future.

...missed a game here or there???
It does my head in when lads come to training and say their bird has booked a holiday/weekend away for next week.
Every game counts towards a league so to miss one could cost you a league title.
Also by fecking off mid season you might not get your spot back too easy. A month on the bench could be the reward for taking a weekend off.
Girls need to realise that their guy also has a responsibility to his friends and teamates.
I wouldnt let any girl dictate to me on this issue.
Would she prefer a fat slob to sit on the couch with???

fatmammycat

OP, my other half right this second is charging around playing 5-aside and no doubt soaked to the skin, he will play 5-aside on Sunday with the lads and plays league 11 a side on Tuesdays-and watches football whenever he gets interested in a match.
That's his passion and not in a blue fit would I ever make him feel bad about it. I do long distance running and Crossfit and he's brilliantly supportive- even came to watch me run in Edinburgh this year. That's what couples do, support each other and be happy that the other person has a passion in life, especially if that passion-as in your case- is balanced with other things. Sounds to me like your partner needs a hobby she can enjoy as you enjoy football.

username123

eyescreamcone wrote: »

It does my head in when lads come to training and say their bird has booked a holiday/weekend away for next week.

Are your team mates all ornithologists?

eyescreamcone wrote: »

Girls need to realise that their guy also has a responsibility to his friends and teamates.

A noble sentiment, adults need to realise that unbending attitudes are not the healthiest way to live life.

eyescreamcone wrote: »

I wouldnt let any girl dictate to me on this issue.

Generally in healthy relationships no one is dictating to anyone. One person may express dissatisfaction about something to the other and then ensues discussion, followed by compromise and a mutually acceptable outcome. Making the assumption that someone expressing their thoughts on something is dictating to you is an immature way to view an adult relationship.

eyescreamcone wrote: »

Would she prefer a fat slob to sit on the couch with???

I genuinely dont see how this is relevant, are you saying that if you cannot play football you will be a fat slob? Why would that be? Will you suddenly begin to eat much more and never exercise at all?

Its all about priority and choice. If, as the above poster seems to feel, the football is the most important thing and there is an absolute refusal to discuss or entertain any discussion on the subject, then you can expect a consequence of that choice to be the possibility of being single or having an unhappy partner. An unbending attitude of that magnitude in any area of life would be a massive turn off for a lot of people.

mood

I think the main problem is that you don't want to go out because you can't/won't drink before a match. If I were her it would p*ss me off as well. Why should your and her social life stop because of your hobbie? My suggestion is to go out with her of a Fri/Sat night before a match. It is possible to go out and not drink and still have a good night.

Piliger

eyescreamcone wrote: »

...missed a game here or there???
It does my head in when lads come to training and say their bird has booked a holiday/weekend away for next week.

I agree. It's about commitment and being mature.

Every game counts towards a league so to miss one could cost you a league title.
Also by fecking off mid season you might not get your spot back too easy. A month on the bench could be the reward for taking a weekend off.
Girls need to realise that their guy also has a responsibility to his friends and teamates.

Absolutely 100% right. Especially ... when it's a girl friend who arrives on the scene knowing full well the hobbies and commitment of that guy.

I wouldnt let any girl dictate to me on this issue.
Would she prefer a fat slob to sit on the couch with???

Well it is all about respect isn't it. Arriving on the scene and then expecting a man to drop his commitments and hobbies is disrespectful and selfish and controlling.

A women with an attitude like this will be one who continues to be like this throughout your lives together. It will be all about her, her needs, her opinions, her style, her taste, her friends, her interests.

There are times like this when you have to take a stand and establish your own identity and needs. It is a healthy thing to do also because it will force her to face up to the fact that she will have to accept you for who you are and not a man SHE can mould into a different man, the man she really wants.

Then you find out who this girl really is. Does she love you ... or are you just her latest 'project'.

December2012

Op it's clear that you're committed to this girl. And you want it to work.

There has to be a way to make this work.

You need to commit to your football and your team, but also you have to have something for yourself.

She wants a bit of fluidity in the things you do.

So how about she can decide what happens on the off season and you decide what happens during season?

Go out Friday nights?

Don't suggest she gets a hobby, she might take offence and think you are calling her boring, which won't help this situation.

She, I'm guessing, wants more time with you, not just something to entertain herself?

Im guessing that you are in good shape and she benefits from that??

More importantly it's a bit soon for her to be demanding that change, are there other football-y things that are bothering her?

Fentdog84

OP, what you're doing with the soccer thing, its just a hobby, just as any normal person is entitled to have. It dosent sound any way OTT on your time and tbh your partner is making a mountain out of a molehill here. It just sounds like controlling behaviour to me. Explain to her again that this is important to you and its your social life, and you think that she's being totally unreasonable. If she cant handle you out playing a bit of football with the lads a few nights a week(as a lot of guys do), then personally, for me, she wouldnt be a keeper.

eyescreamcone

Fentdog84 wrote: »

... she wouldnt be a keeper.

Boom Boom
I see what you did