Childhood coming back to haunt me

LegacyUser

I don't really know where to start with this but I'll type from the heart and see where it goes.
I'm a new mum and the last week or two I've been feeling so depressed and traumatic events from my childhood have being coming back to haunt me and I'm feeling so closed in and not really coping with it all. I haven't thought about this stuff in years.
Both my parents were heavy drinkers who fought all the time, very often in public and voilently in front of all of all us kids. I was the youngest of 4 and the age gap between me and the rest of them was very big so I was more like an older child.
All my siblings have a history of alcoholism and drug abuse. I don't, thankfully.
My father sexually abused my sister in the same room as me when I was a child, I recall it happening but was too young to realise what was going on at the time. I often wonder if I was abused too but I just can't remember. I do recall my brother trying to touch me and making me strip naked, again I was too young to realise this at the time.
After my sister's abuse became knowledge, my father left home but returned years later to live with us.
I asked my mother about this recently and she was very nasty about my sister, blaming her for it somehow. She was just a child too
One of my brothers blamed me for it even though I was only 5!
I suffered such terrible depression as a young child, looking back it was probably down to all this. I tried to tell my mum but she brushed me off saying children don't get depression. I struggled for a few years dealing with all this on my own. I'm now so terrified it's back because all these memories are coming back to me vividly. I don't want to go through this again. I love my baby so much but I'm scared I'll be a bad mum because of how my parents were. I sometimes worry I have alcoholism in me too because when I'm down I feel like I could drink and never stop.
I can't talk to my husband, I'm too ashamed as I don't want him thinking bad of my family. His are so normal. While he is a wonderful husband and adores our child, I don't feel he loves me and I don't think I care anymore. We never talk, only about the children. There is no affection in our relationship, we are more like a parent partnership, if that makes sense.
I can't make sense of anything anymore and I'm crying as I write this.
I need help but I don't know where to go or what to do. I don't want to take antidepressants as I am breastfeeding.
My father and brother have both passed away so I don't understand why this is all coming back to haunt me 30 years later.
I'm so sorry for the long post and hope someone can give me a bit of advice.
Thank you

Davidth88

OP , firstly congratulations on the birth of your child.

Is this co-incidence this is coming up now , ie post natal ?

I think the first step has to be your GP , or talking to a friend , maybe even the PHN. Have you even broached the subject with your husband , is he aware of your history at all ?

Good Luck , please seek help , you deserve it .

Merkin

You poor girl, you've been through so much. How old is your new little one? Pregnancy and birth do funny things to people and invoke all sorts of memories and pain from their own childhoods and effects peoples ability to cope. Rather than speculate about PND or anything else, I think you should talk to your healthcare visitor or GP or midwife about this as soon as possible and come clean about how you are feeling. You could even show them this post. You're not alone and it is important you reach out and get the help and support you need at this difficult time.

dellas1979

Youre ok OP. You are. You are a fine and shining example of facing serious adversity in a lifetime and coping with it - until now. You've been through an enormous amount in your life, and it has all become over whelming. You might ask, why now. But its always been there.

Please take the next part of the first step (first part is realising you need help which you are doing here) of asking for help and get yourself to your GP immediately.

You do not and should not have to cope like this, on your own.

Ask for help. Please do it, if for nothing, for the sake of your little one. There is absolutely no shame in asking for help - its a very stong thing to do.

Big Bag of Chips

Please talk to your husband.

How would you feel if he was the one going through something so harrowing but felt he couldn't or shouldn't share it with you?

You need support.

LegacyUser

Hi OP.

I urge you to consider councelling for yourself and couples councelling. I had severe depression and post natal depression with my daughter, who is now a year old and our relationship is just getting on good terms. It's only on good terms because I decided to face up to my depression. It affected my relationship so so bad and I didn't even realise it.

Being in a partner-parent relationship is because half of you has let it become this. let him in, communicate with him, try to make him understand what you are going through. Often men are slower to understand what us women are feeling and they sometimes need a helping hand from an ourtside source. You need him more than you know, I don't imagine your family are much support.
Are you on Medication for depression?

Also why doesn't your husband know about your family? All family has secrets but there's no point in hiding anything from him! he loves you for being you today.. he doesn't 'love' your family.
I too am quite shameful of my parents but the more I hid about my parents to my partner,the more I wasn't being truthful to myself about who I really was. If he resents you for your past and your parents then he isn't worth worrying about. but i'm sure that isn't the case! I put my partner through alot with depression and trying to work my childhood out,but he is still by my side! it was tough on him but we are so happy now.

Sound Bite

Congratulations on the birth of your child. Its probably only natural to think more about your own childhood given you've just had a baby.

I understand you're scared you'll be a bad mum because of how your parents were but its a lot more likely to be the opposite...you're very aware of what you lacked in your own childhood as a result probably wish for and will provide for your own child a hell of a lot better.

There are two very strong positives in your post - firstly, its very clear you love your child and want the best for them. Secondly, you have the strenght of character to realise you need some help -you've already taken the first step by posting here.

Talk to your husband, or a close friend and talk to your doctor. Also, depression does not always require anti-depressants and also as far as I know there are some anti-depressants which are more suitable for breast feeding mums. Your GP will know more and will have dealt with many patients in a similiar situation.

P. Breathnach

OP, I read your post last night, and was troubled by it. When I woke up this morning, I found it was still on my mind. You have been through a lot of bad stuff, and you have done wonderfully well in holding yourself together as much as you have.

You are here seeking some help and support from strangers. There's nothing wrong with that but, like other posters here, I think you should also seek your husband's support. When you married, you made a strong commitment to one another, and I would expect that he is still willing to honour that deal. I imagine that he is worried about what has happened to you and to your relationship: it could well be that by opening up to him, you will not only get support that you need, but he will see a possibility of getting back the woman that no doubt he loves.

You tell us what is stopping you: that you don't want him thinking badly of your family. Come on! You think badly of them; we think badly of them: why shouldn't he? They have done you great damage. In one sense, it should make it easier that the ones who did most wrong have passed away, because he will not have to deal with them as individuals. The others (your mother included) can be seen as victims.

It is a big thing to deal with the history you have experienced, and you will probably need a lot of assistance. Having your husband onside with you would be a great start, but you will probably need a lot of professional help. Talk to your GP, and don't confine it to coping with feeling depressed. Tell him/her what you have told us here.

In coming here, you have taken a first step on the road to recovery. Stay on that road; don't quit now. Do it for yourself; do it for your children; do it for your husband.

I offer you a virtual hug. Please look after yourself.