Living at home, unemployed and depressed!

LegacyUser

First off, I really apologise for the long post. Please read through though, if you can

I'm 20 and male.


I'm living at home still, with a mother who is going through probably one of the worst cases of menopause possible, a three year old sister and a brother who is a year younger than me that is a sponge on the government. The three year old sister is mean, spoiled and becoming overweight and unhealthy by the day. They all are.


My brother stays in bed all day long, goes out at around 6 and might be gone for the night. He is on social welfare and completely exploits the system with no CV, job hunt, etc. All he does is get his payment, give 35 to the house and spends the rest going out, going to his friends house, getting high, etc. When he isn't high coming home he's often in a horrible mood. He comes home giving out to my baby sister and my mother for menial things. He doesn't ever physically abuse anybody. He doesn't give out to me, knowing I'm older and bigger than he is. He is putting serious strain on the house, financially and more. He expects our mother to buy him all of his food (he only eats certain foods)
and in return, sponges around all day doing nothing.

My mother? She has three of us in the house, is on single parent family allowance and unemployed. This of course makes it hard for her financially. I and my brother give 35 euro each to her on top of her allowance each week but it's not enough. She's constantly buying things that she cannot afford and shouldn't be buying - boxes of cereal, crisps, sweets, 2l bottles of coke/fanta/etc, etc etc. for the house. Only my brother and sister will eat the stuff, she is on a diet right now. She wakes up every day in a bad mood, complains all day and wonders why things are so bad. It's so bad now that I am more or less the husband of the house, and she puts most of the responsibility on me to do everything. Constant shouting, constant headaches.


She SPOILS my little sister and will not listen to my reasoning - she's "had three kids before" and "none of ye turned out so bad". My little sister now is fat, unhealthy (catches everything going around, never touches any veg other than carrots), and mean. She'll make faces at people, she'll hit people, she'll be a very, very angry child and will do whatever she can to get what she wants. My mom has the habit of putting youtube on the laptop in front of sister when eating dinner - so she'll eat it while being distracted. Now she won't TOUCH her dinner if the laptop isn't there.


I have no idea what to do. The rational thing is to get a job, go to college and move out ASAP. I was in college 2 years ago but couldn't continue due to some very important missed days - I'd more or less failed the course because of one or two important dates. These days weren't dossing, there were funerals and a few other scary family events.

I've been looking for a job now since January 2011 with only partial luck - I had a contract in an electrical retailer last Christmas but since then, not even a call back. I check every single day, on jobseeker and all of the other sites. I am constantly refining my CV, constantly handing it out. No luck whatsoever. I am looking into volunteering.

Over the last two years however, I have been obsessed with health, nutrition and fitness. I've been studying myself online, through books, my own research etc. and have seen a dream college course that starts in October that'll allow me to enter the fitness industry with the right qualifications. The deposit is paid for but that's about it. I have no idea how I'm going to afford this. There are no grants in place, I am saving as much as possible but it's a monthly payment scheme - the only way to afford it is if I get a job between now and October. Other than that, I'll have to sell some things or take some loans. I'm joining a credit union today and putting as much as I can each week into it.

My girlfriend of 3 years (whom I cannot thank enough for being with me, she's the only thing I am sure of right now) is suffering too. She's sad because I am sad, and with the exception of some great days, both of us are just moping around most of the time now. She has a great future ahead of her, with passed exams and a guaranteed course come September. She doesn't deserve what I'm inadvertently putting her through! My other friends are either after moving away, are busy working, or are busy with their own lives.


Everybody is moving on except for me and I want this to change.


Thanks guys, I feel better even typing this out!

miec

Hi Op

I'm really sorry that you are being put in this situation. It is a difficult one because your mum is putting you in the role of parent but with none of the authority.

Have you spoken to FAS about a training grant for this fitness course? Also I am not sure if you are aware that you can get a back to education allowance for college if you have not got a degree. There are numerous courses in food science / nutrition. I think it is great that you are taking care of yourself as best you can and I suspect that your mother's diet (and your sisters) is contributing to their behaviour / problems. The thing is your mum is enabling your brother's behaviour. Your mum needs to take responsibility for her behaviour and life, not expect you to carry the can and it would help her if you stepped back and didn't get as involved, although doing that is very difficult. It would be easier if you could find somewhere else. The good news is that life does change and nothing stays the same for ever (just ask those people who want to keep everything the same and dread when change takes over).

LegacyUser

miec wrote: »

Hi Op

I'm really sorry that you are being put in this situation. It is a difficult one because your mum is putting you in the role of parent but with none of the authority.

Have you spoken to FAS about a training grant for this fitness course? Also I am not sure if you are aware that you can get a back to education allowance for college if you have not got a degree. There are numerous courses in food science / nutrition. I think it is great that you are taking care of yourself as best you can and I suspect that your mother's diet (and your sisters) is contributing to their behaviour / problems. The thing is your mum is enabling your brother's behaviour. Your mum needs to take responsibility for her behaviour and life, not expect you to carry the can and it would help her if you stepped back and didn't get as involved, although doing that is very difficult. It would be easier if you could find somewhere else. The good news is that life does change and nothing stays the same for ever (just ask those people who want to keep everything the same and dread when change takes over).

Thanks for the post

Re: FAS grants, I am emailing an officer to book a meeting. The BTEA will only cover third level but this course isn't run by any colleges/institutes, it's a private company from Dublin. I'll find some way around it hopefully!

I don't know what to do with regards to mom/brother relationship and the effect it has on the house but I do know that as soon as I have a stable income, I'm out the door.



Thank you loads

purplepapillon

Hi OP,

This is a really tough situation to be in. You sound like you know what's happening, and what's best for you, which is very mature.

The situation with your mam and brother is difficult. You are all adults. Your brother might need a few years and some perspective on life to decide what he wants out of it. Perhaps try and have a chat with your mam to see what the two of you could do together to convince your brother that he needs to find an interest or something to occupy himself, rather than be idle.

You could stay at home for college. Albeit, it might not be the best solution, you would be out of the house a lot, so maybe not get so bogged down in these issues.

You should ask your Community Welfare Officer about Back to Education Allowance or VTOS (I think it's called). Maybe check out the welfare website and citizens information site too to see what your entitlements could be. You can still apply for a grant (studentfinance.ie) even if you don't know what course you're doing. With your mam being out of work, you could very well be given some sort of assistance or maintenance grant.

Go for the course you're interested in. You know where your interests and talents lie and want to pursue them - that's great. Best of luck with everything!

LegacyUser

purplepapillon wrote: »

Hi OP,

This is a really tough situation to be in. You sound like you know what's happening, and what's best for you, which is very mature.

The situation with your mam and brother is difficult. You are all adults. Your brother might need a few years and some perspective on life to decide what he wants out of it. Perhaps try and have a chat with your mam to see what the two of you could do together to convince your brother that he needs to find an interest or something to occupy himself, rather than be idle.

You could stay at home for college. Albeit, it might not be the best solution, you would be out of the house a lot, so maybe not get so bogged down in these issues.

You should ask your Community Welfare Officer about Back to Education Allowance or VTOS (I think it's called). Maybe check out the welfare website and citizens information site too to see what your entitlements could be. You can still apply for a grant (studentfinance.ie) even if you don't know what course you're doing. With your mam being out of work, you could very well be given some sort of assistance or maintenance grant.

Go for the course you're interested in. You know where your interests and talents lie and want to pursue them - that's great. Best of luck with everything!

Thanks purplepapillon (nice name btw!)

I have tried time and time again to talk to my mother but she doesn't listen. If she keeps going the way she does, she'll end up with either a heart attack or worse! I need to think of something alright, soon.

I am gonna stay at home alright, but I'm looking into different clubs/organisations so I can get out of the house more

I don't think those grants would be in place for me, due to the reasons I said above - it's a private course

Thank you, I hope it turns out okay. If not, I'll probably leave Ireland ASAP :P