important lie?

LegacyUser

Hi,
I was with my bf for just over 6 years. He broke up with me about 4 months ago (we had problems, I wanted to talk about them, he didn't, the end), after 5 weeks he wanted to get back together.
I asked if he had been with anyone, he said he hadn't, we got back together (this is an abridged version, there was a lot of talk about other problems).
I found out recently that he lied, to what degree I don't know but there were definitely other people. I don't think there is any point asking again, was lied to once, wouldn't expect anything but another lie.

I get that what happened before he met me is none of my business, is whatever happened while we were apart the same, is it just none of my business?
Am I being weird that I care? Is it weird that I didn't want to see other people in this time?

I've always been really trusting even when some suspicious stuff has happened, I'm not sure I can be like that anymore.
Is this a white lie or is it an actual betrayal of my trust?

Gweniver

I found out recently that he lied, to what degree I don't know but there were definitely other people. I don't think there is any point asking again, was lied to once, wouldn't expect anything but another lie.

I get that what happened before he met me is none of my business, is whatever happened while we were apart the same, is it just none of my business?
Am I being weird that I care? Is it weird that I didn't want to see other people in this time?

No, you are definatley not been weird for caring about who he was with during those four months, I think that is actually very normal. It is obvious you care a lot about him and no, you did'nt want to see anyone as you had your own heartache to deal with. Honestly there is nothing unusual about this.

But..... I would worry that he was unable to be truthful when you brought this subject up initially. You say at this point you would just expect him to lie if you asked again.
Is this a good basis for any relationship? Surely trust is a key to a solid foundation in any relationship.

ihsb

Op. To me this would be a HUGE deal. And a deal-breaker. Firstly he wouldn't talk about your problems, then he lied to your face. Of course you are allowed to be bothered by something that happened while you were not together. No one is allowed to tell you when to be annoyed or not.

Everyone deals with breakups differently. I can understand that. But he should have been honest as he is causing more issues in your relationship by lying. This would set off alarm bells for me.

dearg lady

while I would find it hard to deal with knowing my OH had been with someone else on a 5 week break, I personally wouldn't feel that alone is enough of a reason not to be with them. However, along with the lying it's a different story. How did you find out he was lying? Are you absolutely sure?

username123

confused78 wrote: »

I don't think there is any point asking again, was lied to once, wouldn't expect anything but another lie.

Theres the deal breaker right there. You would expect your partner to lie to you? So why bother be with them? The trust is gone.

Lorna123

I just think that he felt it was better not to discuss what he did when you were apart. He might feel that it would be on your mind and is trying to shield you from it. I think this was just a white lie to avoid multiple questions about anyone he might have been seeing and he might also feel it is none of your business. I would let it drop. Okay he was seeing others but he wanted to go back to you, so just accept it for what it is and get on with it. It would be different if he was seing someone behind your back and then lied when you asked about it. As it stands he did whatever he did when you were on a break. So I would forget about it if I were in your shoes.

stargazer 68

Lorna123 wrote: »

It would be different if he was seing someone behind your back and then lied when you asked about it. As it stands he did whatever he did when you were on a break. So I would forget about it if I were in your shoes.

I have to agree. You werent together and he was sparing your feelings as far as I can see. I would have done the same. Did you really want all the details of what he did when you were apart? What would you have done if he had said yes he had slept with 5 women - would that have made you happy?

P. Breathnach

confused78 wrote: »

... I get that what happened before he met me is none of my business, is whatever happened while we were apart the same, is it just none of my business?
Am I being weird that I care? Is it weird that I didn't want to see other people in this time?...

In personal relationships you get to make your own rules. It seems to be acceptable for a woman to have a rule, for example, that she does not want to be involved with a man who is shorter than her. In my book (and I am not a woman) if OP wants to take a view on her boyfriend's behaviour while they were broken up, that is her prerogative.

Six years together, and after breaking up he was involved with somebody else within a month, and then wanted to get back with OP. Okay, it's possible that he went out with another woman, and that was enough to bring home to him what he was missing, and led to him trying to get back with OP. Or it might be a different story - we don't know.

But here's the rub: she asked a question about something that mattered to her, and he lied. In my book, that is a major breach of trust at a critical point in a relationship. Sparing OP's feelings is not a sufficient excuse.

Piliger

I don't believe this is a breach of trust at all. However I do believe that we get to set our own conditions by which to judge people.
This relationship was not in operation. He was with someone else. They got back together. He has no moral obligation to be totally truthful about his life when they were not together.
It is a ridiculous proposition that partners are obliged to to tell nothing but the 100% truth about their lives before the relationship. It might be nice and desirable and wonderful - and I would like it to be like that. But life is way too complicated; our lives are way too complicated; and setting rules like this in relationships only sets us up for disappointment when people are people, and human beings are human beings, and no one can live up to them. Loving someone and having compassion for people, and the crap we have to go through some times, means being flexible and understanding when their frailties are exposed.

P. Breathnach

Piliger wrote: »

... I do believe that we get to set our own conditions by which to judge people.

... He has no moral obligation to be totally truthful about his life when they were not together....

Those two statements do not reconcile very easily. If OP requires a reasonably full disclosure as a condition for getting back together, it seems to me that there is an obligation on him either to be truthful or to give up on getting together.

Lorna123

confused78 wrote: »

Hi,
I asked if he had been with anyone, he said he hadn't, we got back together (this is an abridged version, there was a lot of talk about other problems).

Is this a white lie or is it an actual betrayal of my trust?

When you asked him if he was with anyone what did that mean to him? He could have thought you meant did he sleep with anyone and if the answer was no than he felt that was enough to say. He might have been on dates but none of them led to "being with that person" as in sleeping with them so in his mind he was answering honestly. He is probably happy to have you back and doesn't want to get into discussions that could lead to another row. Give him some slack here OP. Does it matter who he was with, he wanted you back, you wanted him back. I agree with Piliger.

Lorna123

Piliger wrote: »

Loving someone and having compassion for people, and the crap we have to go through some times, means being flexible and understanding when their frailties are exposed.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Piliger

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Those two statements do not reconcile very easily. If OP requires a reasonably full disclosure as a condition for getting back together, it seems to me that there is an obligation on him either to be truthful or to give up on getting together.

I disagree.

One party can set up whatever standards they chose. It's their life. But the other party doesn't have to conform if they chose not to. The second party has no obligation to accept those standards in relation to a period when they were not together.

Of course this is only how I see it

LegacyUser

dearg lady wrote: »

How did you find out he was lying? Are you absolutely sure?

Through a friend, 100% sure.

Dovies wrote: »

I have to agree. You werent together and he was sparing your feelings as far as I can see. I would have done the same. Did you really want all the details of what he did when you were apart? What would you have done if he had said yes he had slept with 5 women - would that have made you happy?

I see were you are coming from but I don't think he lied to spare my feelings, I feel like he lied to get what he wanted & the truth could possibly get in the way of that.
If he had said he had slept with 5 women I wouldn't have gotten back together with him, at that stage I would feel it was completely over, I wouldn't have been happy but no more sad. Why break up with someone, sleep with 5 people & then decide you want to get back together? Would that not just be wanting some freedom & then going back to a safety net? Could I expect that every few years? I don't think I understand the logic of doing that but that is probably just the way I view things rather than it being strange. I don't think this was the case with him though, just wanted to answer your question.

Piliger wrote: »

I don't believe this is a breach of trust at all. However I do believe that we get to set our own conditions by which to judge people.
This relationship was not in operation. He was with someone else. They got back together. He has no moral obligation to be totally truthful about his life when they were not together.
It is a ridiculous proposition that partners are obliged to to tell nothing but the 100% truth about their lives before the relationship. It might be nice and desirable and wonderful - and I would like it to be like that. But life is way too complicated; our lives are way too complicated; and setting rules like this in relationships only sets us up for disappointment when people are people, and human beings are human beings, and no one can live up to them. Loving someone and having compassion for people, and the crap we have to go through some times, means being flexible and understanding when their frailties are exposed.

He didn't have to be truthful, if he felt it was none of my business he could have said so.
I asked him 4 times if anything had happened (there is ambiguity here but there wasn't when I asked him), the first response was that nothing had happened, the second time he looked shocked, eyes wide open amazed that I felt the need to ask the question again, 3rd & 4th times were a repeat of the first. All 4 times were the same day, I didn't mention it again after that. I accept that I am not with someone who is perfect & can do no wrong, neither is he.

I'm not going to break up with him but if anything happens in the future that raises my suspicions he will not get the benefit of the doubt, that may be unfair but I don't have unconditional trust in him anymore.

Thanks for the advice.

Lorna123

confused78 wrote: »

If he had said he had slept with 5 women I wouldn't have gotten back together with him, at that stage I would feel it was completely over, I wouldn't have been happy but no more sad.


I'm not going to break up with him but if anything happens in the future that raises my suspicions he will not get the benefit of the doubt, that may be unfair but I don't have unconditional trust in him anymore.

Thanks for the advice.

Okay he wanted you back and was prepared to do anything to get you back, but you are not happy with that, you would prefer to zone in on what you call the "important lie". I just don't get it. You cannot accept that he isn't going to tell you everything and just be happy, instead you want to control him.

I feel if you are not happy with him at this stage OP then break up with him now. You will just be tormenting yourself looking for the "important lie" from now on.

You don't trust him so -

Set him free.